How to erase one's life and start over?

[Belle Vie]

I was wondering if anyone else here felt as I do--do you ever want to just walk away from your life and start over? I just look at everything I have to do in my life on a daily basis and just want to cry. I hate doing my job (writer), I feel out of place with my friends, I don't feel I have anything in common with my family. Where I live, what I do, the man I'm engaged to--everything is wrong.

 

But I can't change all of it at once. I hardly have the energy to change even one thing, given the upheaval just that would cause, let alone trying to change all of it . Not to mention that I have to support myself somehow, and writing is all I know how to do.

 

I'm just looking ahead at the next few days, weeks, and months and I just want to walk away from it all, from all the wrong choices I've made to bring me to this point. But then what? Food, clothing, and shelter is obviously a necessity...I don't know how to walk away from it all and still manage to survive. It's just all so overwhelming.

 

Was just wondering if anyone else felt the same? Or if anyone else had lived through the same. If so, what did you do?

[CarrieT]

I have. And I have "wiped everything out" and started from scratch a number of times.

 

When I got divorced 20 years ago, I moved from San Diego to Northridge and started from scratch with new friends, a new job, and a new direction.

 

Twelve years later, after getting a master in fine art, I did it again and moved to Napa "to be part of the wine industry." Again, new friends, new job, new life.

 

The first time I did it, I was barely talking to my family and after the Northridge earthquake, all they knew was that I survived, but was homeless and living in my car; I had no interest in accepting their offers of help.

 

I have survived and sometimes thrived. However the interesting part is that now with Facebook, many of these ghosts from 25 years ago are coming back to haunt me and wanting to re-acquaint themselves.

 

Do I recommend it? I'm not sure. There are a lot of things I would have done differently but I can have no regrets because it was a life's journey. But I also have had no stability and now at almost 46 years of age, no life partner and no shared history with anyone.

[Belle Vie]

Do I recommend it? I'm not sure. There are a lot of things I would have done differently but I can have no regrets because it was a life's journey. But I also have had no stability and now at almost 46 years of age, no life partner and no shared history with anyone.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience--that's exactly one of my fears. In addition to the fears of cutting ties and moving on, I also hate the idea of the guilt involved as well as leaving behind a life that supports me well, even though it's not making me happy.

 

I'd love to be able to figure out a way to like the life I have, but so far that hasn't been working. I feel as if I have no options, even though I know that's not true. I know there are always options, but I just don't know how to take the steps--or what steps to take.

[TouchedByViolet]

You sound like you are going through a mid life crisis.

 

You should take time to feel your emotions, understand where they come from, and find the direction you want to go in life.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

I'm sorry to touch on matters spiritual, but to an extent, self-improvement and well-being can occasionally touch on spiritual areas, and sometimes even hinge on them.

I think this is appropriate.

 

The big problem many have is that they base the attainment of happiness and contentment on changing what is happening to them. They think that by effecting a change in their environment, job, social circle, income, and general personal circumstances, will mean that they will then be happy.

This is never, but never the case.

Sure, temporarily, it might bring a transitory relief, a general sense of achievement and satisfaction. But it never lasts.

 

This reminds me of the story of three monks who decide to walk many miles from their monastery, in a pilgrimage to a sacred site on a beach, coinciding their arrival with the setting of the sun, and the appearance of the full moon....

They arrive at the location, only to find their path blocked, and progress impeded by a wide broad swathe of sharp stones, separating them from the sandy beach.

 

*1st Monk* We must send message to the monastery immediately, to send a million squares of silk, in order to wrap these stones and render them all individually beautiful yet harmless.....

 

*2nd Monk* There is no time! We must send message to the monastery immediately, to send thick carpets, to cover and conceal the stones, and make our progress smoother and more comfortable!

 

*3rd Monk* Wouldn't it just be better to put our sandals back on....?

 

There is no point trying to change what's "Out There". The best, most effective, and more durable and reliable change we can effect, is of our perception of what is happening, and metaphorically sit quietly and become serene and accepting of external factors.

 

Note: This is not a question of throwing up your hands in despair, and declaring that you can't change anything, so what's the point, we might just as well roll over, take it on the chin and put up with it.

 

The Monk still had to negotiate the stony barrier. he just did it by protecting himself in the best way possible. By dealing with his own progress, rather than trying to change how things were externally.

Know that whatever you do, Life will continue its flow of up-and-down, good, bad, satisfactory, unsatisfactory, stressful, stress-free....

That what Life does.

It moves.

Rather than rebel against it, and try to swim against the current, what can you do to go with it, improve matters, enjoy where and what you are, and cultivate serenity as things stand?

As a Buddhist 'motto' states:

If you cannot find peace, joy and serenity where you are, right now - then where else do you expect to find it?

 

Consider the above, at least, with an open mind......

 

Be well.

 

TM

[nobody's girl]

I hear ya! I actually had something in the works for it last year. I had the location picked out and was looking at jobs in the area. Then the economy tanked and the jobs were so sparse I had second thoughts. I had planned on socking away enough money to live on for a few months but if it took any longer to find a job I would be in deep trouble. And if I severed all ties I wouldn't be able to call family/friends and ask to borrow money or stay with them if I came back with my tail between my legs.

 

The desire hasn't left me and I still may do it, but not until jobs are a bit easier to come by. My plan was fairly simple: pick the location, put everything in the house up on craigslist to make a few bucks, I stopped spending any money on movies, eating out, etc. and tried to put at least $50-$100 from each pay check aside. I was looking on craigslist for rental properties in the area and checking careerbuilder and monster for jobs in the area. I also wanted to go in the spring or summer just in case I had to sleep in my car before finding a place to live. I even considered changing my name to make it harder to trace me. LOL!

 

The only thing that gives me pause is that 20 years ago I relocated to an area where I only knew one person. Although I did stay in touch with family and friends. But with time I ended up in pretty much the same position I was in when I left 20 years ago. Some habits and tendencies don't ever change and you end up sticking with what is familiar and safe so things never really change. Just something to consider.

[skydiveaddict]

I was wondering if anyone else here felt as I do--do you ever want to just walk away from your life and start over? I just look at everything I have to do in my life on a daily basis and just want to cry. I hate doing my job (writer), I feel out of place with my friends, I don't feel I have anything in common with my family. Where I live, what I do, the man I'm engaged to--everything is wrong.

 

 

 

I am feeling exacly that way now too. Except my job is pretty fun

[Belle Vie]

As a Buddhist 'motto' states:

If you cannot find peace, joy and serenity where you are, right now - then where else do you expect to find it?)

 

I really wish I could do this....I've tried pretending I liked my life, thinking that maybe eventually I'd feel that way. I've read "The Power of Now" and other similar books, trying to reach that state of mind where I can enjoy what I'm doing at this moment. Invariably, I move back into "despair" mode. Not sure how to convince myself that things are OK.

 

Sometimes I think it's just how I view the world--like some people are genetically disposed to being friendly and outgoing, others are predisposed to being dissatisfied and sad. Probably just the way I'm wired. Not exactly a cheerful thought, but at least it's a way to make sense of the choices I've made and where I am now.

 

And, yes, this is very much a mid-life crisis! I just turned 40 and feel like my life has just gone away. I know it's just a number, but it really seemed to me like an end to things, like no other birthday has seemed in the past.

 

This may just be the way my life is going to be. Maybe THAT'S what I need to accept--not necessarily be happy about it, but just accept it.

[minniezz]

Well, we all feel that way once in a while, and its called life.So the best way to solve this is to relax, I mean, just pack your stuffs, go travel or go on a trip for few days if you can,i think it really brings you some good improvements. Just stay away from what u are currently doing at the moment for few days, rest your mind. When your mind is relaxed, you will know all the answers.

[Belle Vie]

Well, we all feel that way once in a while, and its called life.So the best way to solve this is to relax, I mean, just pack your stuffs, go travel or go on a trip for few days if you can,i think it really brings you some good improvements. Just stay away from what u are currently doing at the moment for few days, rest your mind. When your mind is relaxed, you will know all the answers.

 

Some time away from here WOULD be nice, although difficult to try to explain to my SO why I'd need time away from HIM. I also have many obligations that would make it impossible to leave at the moment (I work full-time, go to school part-time, AND have a few clients on the side that I must work with for the next few months)

 

But perhaps in June, when classes are over and my deadlines are managed, I might be able to take some time away to think. For now, I just have to get through each day. I tend to procrastinate in getting everything done, which makes everything worse. (My typing this message right now is actually a way to avoid doing work that I must do, because I so much DON'T want to do it.)

 

If I could snap my fingers, I'd be away right now, and leave all of this behind! My life---erased! Do over!

 

But I'm too responsible for that. I'll get this stuff done now and erase my life later. Sigh.

 

I do very much appreciate everyone's insights here, though. It has been very helpful. I have felt better after I've read your thoughts on this!

[sedgwick]

First of all, I'm so sorry you hate your job writing! I've worked all my life to make my living as a writer, and now that I finally do, I feel lucky as hell!

 

That said, yes, I have indeed hated my life and walked away from it. When I lived in the south, where I grew up, I felt like a complete alien because I wasn't a conservative Christian. I wanted to go to college and major in fine arts, and when I told people I wanted to be an artist and writer when I grew up, all I ever heard was, "Yeah, right." It was like it was something people from there simply didn't do.

 

I did go to college in the state where I grew up, but that was miserable too. I couldn't find very many people who weren't Christian Republicans. So I took off. I moved to Ohio, went to grad school, moved to Boston and taught for a year, and then moved to NYC, where I've lived for 11 years now. I've grown very tired over the last year of how exorbitantly expensive it is to live here, so I'm taking a break for a year and moving to Mexico. Might as well write on the beach, right? I don't really know anyone there, and I have a lot of friends and a strong support network in NYC, but I'm not afraid to run off for a while, because I've proven to myself that I can do that and survive, and that I usually end up happier.

 

So...if you hate your life, just visualize your wildest dream and go for it at all costs! That's what I did, and I've never looked back. I've made my world a place I love, and all it took was a lot of hard work! If you can work hard, you can have the life you want. It really is just that simple.

 

(By the way, why are you staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy?)

Edited February 26, 2010 by sedgwick

[Belle Vie]

First of all, I'm so sorry you hate your job writing! I've worked all my life to make my living as a writer, and now that I finally do, I feel lucky as hell!

 

I've always done what I'm good at, but I've never known what I want to DO. My wildest dream is to know what I want to do, so I could do it! I DID go back to school for that reason--I'm studying art and design, thinking perhaps I would like it better. I'm good at it...one of my projects even placed in a student design competition last week. Does it make me happy? Not really, but I'm only a year into the program.

 

(By the way, why are you staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy?)

 

Guilt. Fear. Mostly guilt. People seem to break up with people so easily, and I envy them for it. I have a friend who broke up with no less than five boyfriends in a short span of time (all in love with her, of course), with hardly a twinge of guilt. I can't even do it ONCE. I could have broken up with him long before now if there was something wrong with him, other than the fact that he isn't as creative or spontaneous as I need. He is a good and intelligent person. He loves and wants to take care of me. His friends love him. MY friends love him. It just tears me apart to think of making him so unhappy. So I stay (which I know doesn't make him all that happy either). I know that's wrong, but I haven't been able to bring myself to tear it all apart. I just wish he'd get sick of it and break up with me. It would solve a lot!

 

if you find yourself being negative and unhappy all the time. You might need to consider for "therapist" You might have depressions.

 

I really have no one to talk to about this--I've tried therapists (I'm up to three over the last few years). They're all very nice, but I can't get them to understand. I've paid a lot of money to feel worse coming out than I did going in. That's why I was glad to find this forum. At least I can tell SOMEONE who might understand and not think that I'm a horrible person.

 

I DO try to look on the bright side: I'm self-sufficient and educated. People like my sense of humor. I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent in most areas, except this one. In this one, I'm incredibly stupid and stuck.

 

I wish I could be someone else (or rather, someone else could be me) for just one day--someone who could do everything I find so impossible and difficult.

 

So, perhaps my question shouldn't be "How do you erase your life?" but "How do you make those changes AND live with hurting someone (or many someone's) to do it?"

Edited February 26, 2010 by Belle Vie

[califnan]

I was wondering if anyone else here felt as I do--do you ever want to just walk away from your life and start over? I just look at everything I have to do in my life on a daily basis and just want to cry. I hate doing my job (writer), I feel out of place with my friends, I don't feel I have anything in common with my family. Where I live, what I do, the man I'm engaged to--everything is wrong.

 

But I can't change all of it at once. I hardly have the energy to change even one thing, given the upheaval just that would cause, let alone trying to change all of it . Not to mention that I have to support myself somehow, and writing is all I know how to do.

 

I'm just looking ahead at the next few days, weeks, and months and I just want to walk away from it all, from all the wrong choices I've made to bring me to this point. But then what? Food, clothing, and shelter is obviously a necessity...I don't know how to walk away from it all and still manage to survive. It's just all so overwhelming.

 

Was just wondering if anyone else felt the same? Or if anyone else had lived through the same. If so, what did you do?

 

----------------------

 

Belle: You have rung My Bell, ha .. There is much in my life that I wish I could have turned around.. Of the factors you have mentioned, it would seem that all can at least be put on standstill with one exception - and that would be your job .. Writing takes inspiration ? They say that walking (aside from being good exercise), also clears the head .. Would that be helpful? In the meantime, if you are unhappy with your occupation - think of what you would like to do, what God has Blessed you to do, and pursue it with perhaps - further education .. more later...

[Belle Vie]

Since therapy didn't work, I'm actually thinking of consulting with a hypnotist! (yes, I'm that desperate). I figure if someone can hypnotize me to make me THINK I can make changes, then I'll be able to approach my life with a clearer mind (less muddled by sad thoughts), know more about what I want to do, and take the actions I need to make.

 

However, they rarely talk about hypnotism when they talk about therapy. I wonder if that would work. Maybe that would be a way to mentally "erase" my life--or at least handle my fears--and move forward.

 

I'm so stuck right now, I'm thinking anything is worth a try!

[niktsang]

“If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul.”

quoted from Drew Barrymore in the film of "My Date with Drew".

 

Most of people dare not to take their step to make change in their life, particaularly in the first step, but some people opt to really take their steps to fulfilling or realizing their goals or dreams, and absolutely knowing what they want to do and keeps the process recurring in their life. So, I think the first thing you have to do is to find clear target, then list out a "to-do-list" , step by step out from your stuck life. I personally disagree to make absolute changes at once, it may be too difficult and people may not accept them easily.

God cannot make the world in a day as well! Take it easy~

[Belle Vie]

Thank you for the thoughtful response! I know that all the changes I need/want to make must start with one--my relationship with my fiance. And I've been "stuck" there for years, by my own doing. I simply cannot face the aftermath of breaking up with him. I always thought I'd be broken up WITH--I never, ever wanted to be the one to have to do the breaking. Particularly when no real reason presents itself. "I just don't love you the way I should" just seems so lame when so many other factors are right. I obsess about this almost constantly-it's a constant source of pain for me, but I just can't seem to make THAT change.

 

Keep in mind that this is my first and only serious relationship in my life (I'm 40 now.) I've never had a break-up or a previous relationship to measure things by. Just this one.

 

Unfortunately, this is not a "step-by-step" change. It's an "all-at-once" change. One minute I'm here and we're together. The next minute, I have to move out and we're not.

 

We need to talk this out, I know. But we're both real cowards, and we don't talk about it. We haven't even talked about a wedding since we got engaged four years ago. Me, because I don't want to get married but I feel too guilty to face the alternative, and him, because he doesn't want to upset me so much that I might break it off. So we just continue as we are.

 

But THAT'S the big change I need to make. That's what I need to erase. I just don't know how to do it. (OK, I know how to do it. I don't know how to face the guilt and sadness afterward.)

[Luv2dance]

Thank you for the thoughtful response! I know that all the changes I need/want to make must start with one--my relationship with my fiance. And I've been "stuck" there for years, by my own doing. I simply cannot face the aftermath of breaking up with him. I always thought I'd be broken up WITH--I never, ever wanted to be the one to have to do the breaking. Particularly when no real reason presents itself. "I just don't love you the way I should" just seems so lame when so many other factors are right. I obsess about this almost constantly-it's a constant source of pain for me, but I just can't seem to make THAT change.

 

Keep in mind that this is my first and only serious relationship in my life (I'm 40 now.) I've never had a break-up or a previous relationship to measure things by. Just this one.

 

Unfortunately, this is not a "step-by-step" change. It's an "all-at-once" change. One minute I'm here and we're together. The next minute, I have to move out and we're not.

 

We need to talk this out, I know. But we're both real cowards, and we don't talk about it. We haven't even talked about a wedding since we got engaged four years ago. Me, because I don't want to get married but I feel too guilty to face the alternative, and him, because he doesn't want to upset me so much that I might break it off. So we just continue as we are.

 

But THAT'S the big change I need to make. That's what I need to erase. I just don't know how to do it. (OK, I know how to do it. I don't know how to face the guilt and sadness afterward.)

 

PLEASE, if you truly feel this way, try to find the strength to make this change! I can totally understand the fear and guilt b/c it is hard to let something go that has been there for this long, but trust me you DON'T want to get married b/c then it is much harder to end things. I am in this situation w/ kids and 16 yrs invested....

 

The "I don't love you the way I should" is a good reason to end a relationship esp. if you are the type of person who loves passion and excitement. Life is short!!

 

In my opinion if you get out of this relationship that you are obviously unhappy in the other parts of you life may improve. They may not, but when you have something weighing so heavily on your mind it is hard to be happy in anything else. (or this has been my experience)

 

Hope you can find an inner peace and strength to move forward.

[Rudderless]

Your state of mind currently makes you vulnerable. Be wary of instant and empty promises, you can read self help books, have therapy as you like but these aren't instant cures, in fact, sometimes they can exacerbate the problem. Oh and watch out for fantasists telling you you might have a wasted soul and this is the way to live your life... blah blah blah

 

Perspective is key here, the reason you can't make a change is because you're simply not ready to and capable of it and I'll tell you why

 

I obsess about this almost constantly

This is your problem, you need to get AWAY from this for a while to get some perspective on it. It's become such a big issue that it's overwhelming you. You need to find something that takes your mind off of it. Simple things, listening to music, going for a walk. That way you can look at it from a perspective that isn't overwhelming and address it with a calm head. Focusing on this one single problem is going to zap your energy and resources.

[skydiveaddict]

But THAT'S the big change I need to make. That's what I need to erase. I just don't know how to do it. (OK, I know how to do it. I don't know how to face the guilt and sadness afterward.)

 

 

Make sure that's the change you want to make before you do it. Breakups can be unbelievably painful. Maybe take some new risks in life first (like skydiving, you can take him along). Explore new things etc...I wish you well

Edited March 22, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[Belle Vie]

Good advice skydiveaddict...I do need to break out of my complacency a bit more. I allow inertia to take over and I find it hard to move once I'm stuck.

 

I can say that I will never skydive, though (at least willingly!). I admire your ability to jump out of planes. I don't have many phobias, but I do not like heights. I visited the Royal Gorge in Colorado a few years ago (it's, like, 1,000 feet up), and I made myself go out on that bridge, just so I could tell mysef I wasn't being silly. I managed to get out about 100 feet, before I began shaking. I made myself stand my ground for as long as I could before I ran back to terra firma! I only fly in airplanes under protest (because it's the only fast way to get from A to B), but I have to control my breathing.

 

So, no skydiving...but maybe something else. A trip to Africa maybe....that's something I've always wanted to do!

[skydiveaddict]

Good advice skydiveaddict...I do need to break out of my complacency a bit more. I allow inertia to take over and I find it hard to move once I'm stuck.

 

I can say that I will never skydive, though (at least willingly!). I admire your ability to jump out of planes. I don't have many phobias, but I do not like heights. I visited the Royal Gorge in Colorado a few years ago (it's, like, 1,000 feet up), and I made myself go out on that bridge, just so I could tell mysef I wasn't being silly. I managed to get out about 100 feet, before I began shaking. I made myself stand my ground for as long as I could before I ran back to terra firma! I only fly in airplanes under protest (because it's the only fast way to get from A to B), but I have to control my breathing.

 

So, no skydiving...but maybe something else. A trip to Africa maybe....that's something I've always wanted to do!

 

 

Whatever you do , take your time to consider your options. Please!

 

A trip to Africa sounds cool too!