Can I ask him to set boundaries II - ex has registered with LS and has read my posts!

[oneheart]

I've just got home to pack...

 

see previous threads if you want to know any extra info http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221501/

 

and most current from this morning/last night) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222240/

 

So I've just come home to pack up and go and I've checked my computer and I THINK he has figured out I'm here on loveshack. I THINK He has also been reading all my posts - and has registered.... I think.

 

 

But if the history on internet explorer is correct, yesterday, saturday, he visited the pages of my thread, plus registration and an old thread from way back. Can I trust IE histrory? If so...Aarrghh! Why TF has he done that?! He has ended it why is he now spying on me?! He has taken away from me my neutral line of support and privacy.

 

I just feel like he hasn't ended it by doing this. When I spoke to him on the phone yesterday the conversation was heated and upsetting. I only phoned to ask a practical question but got upset when he started small talk asking me if the place I was moving to was alright. Yeah I know how he works. He was asking this as if to say - you see! you see what you had with me! a nice place to live. loser.

 

A few days ago he told me about an incident with a guy who worked for a rival company to his, asking this guy - where are you living now? guy's response - with my parents - my ex's response - nothing, because he doesn't need to, it's all in that guys answer. Just chest beating that his business is doing better than the rivals as the gut obviously hasn't got the cash to live alone.

 

When I said I wasn't going to tell him what the place was like - he asked the same question again! You see what he is doing! I didn't see it at the time but now I see it, WTF does he care if it's a nice place or not?! A nasty piece of work....

 

okok - I'll calm down and I will give him the benefit of the doubt that I may have got this wrong and he wasn't trying to manpulate me into saying the place isn't as good as where I have been living with him BUT still just the tactics he used with that guy from the rival company gives you an insight - a further insight into what he's like.

 

In that conversation yesterday on the phone which developed from the small talk into a very upsetting conversation of me trying for the millionth time to explain things. From what I could make out to him, this is not the end of the relationship for him - just, "we do not have a relationship right now". His words. That also explains I think why he said he was prepared to think about his behaviour. I don't know - maybe he'd like to pop in and tell us all!

 

How do I come here for advice now? ......

 

What if IE histroy is wrong and I'm just jumping to conclusions? Can I check somehow? I wasn't here on "Saturday" - yesterday. My memory is really bad I'm pretty sure I didn't go through any registration pages.

 

what the hell do I do now?....

[LucreziaBorgia]

All I need to know from your threads is that he let you down, big time. He clearly chose the needs of an ex with whom he is still emotionally attached over your needs. End of story. He can throw in whatever else junk in there to throw you and others off, but the bottom line is clear: he cares more about what she needs than he cares about what you need. Then he has the nerve to be nasty to you for the situation he put you in by enabling his ex at your expense!

 

If he comes on here and upsets you, there is a clear solution: he can be put in your ignore list, and if he gets especially nasty he can be flagged for abuse and let the mods take care of it.

[oneheart]

I don't actually think he is here to give me a hard time - just to snoop because he hasn't acutally decided that it's completely over and I think he is here to reflect...

 

 

and to see what I have been saying about him and to check its accuracy etc.... thing is, it's hard to be acurate with someone who is so vague and dodging issues that need to be addressed... and also someone who changes their mind...

 

maybe it will help him completely leave me alone....

[harmfulsweetz]

God, that's nebby isn't it? Sorry that just takes the biscuit, registering on a site to snoop on you? Not on.

 

I would ignore him. Post like you would if he wasn't on here, it's not his business, anyway, and it's his choice to snoop on you and find out.

[curiousnycgirl]

I thought about this, with some concern, a while back. My ex knows I am on LS, I used to tell him about it sometimes, and my user name here is the same as on a couple of other sites - so it wouldn't be hard for him to find me here.

 

Then I reaized that I had not posted a single thing that I would mind him seeing. There is nothing I've posted that I haven't said to him at some point - other than how devastated I was after our break up, and how painful I found the whole event to be. But to be honest I don't care if he knows those things.

 

So why should you? Why should you care if your ex sees this stuff. In fact you shouldn't care about anything he does. He is out of your life.

 

Buh Bye and good riddance.

[freestyle]

Frankly, I really hope he reads everything I posted to you.!!!

 

Perhaps he'll get a hint that his behavior is/was incredibly inappropriate.

[oneheart]

The houseshare has fallen through..... now I don't even know where I am going from here...

[curiousnycgirl]

The houseshare has fallen through..... now I don't even know where I am going from here...

 

Do you know anyone who can put you up until you get settled? Anyone at all? You NEED to move out so you can move on.

[oneheart]

I'm not staying at the house fortunately. I am staying at my mum's until I find somewhere. The houseshare that fell through wasn't completely ideal anyway, but it would have got me out quick which would have been ideal. I guess it is just going to take a bit longer than I want it to. I can't wait to be handing the keys back (or more like posting them through the letter box) and walking away from all this hurt. Whilst he is away I'm going to pack up my stuff ready to go when I do have somewhere.

 

I'm not bothered by my ex seeing everything I've written on here. He's heard it all from me already. But I feel there are some things I don't want him to know that I would like to discuss on here. In which case I guess I will just have to go another website.... a shame because people on here are so lovely.

[freestyle]

Hey One heart...........

 

You could just create a new username.

 

It's been done before by people who have been discovered here.

 

Honestly, from what I've observed from other sites, you get much quicker responses here. I'd hate for you to have to go, if you're still needing support.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm not staying at the house fortunately. I am staying at my mum's until I find somewhere. The houseshare that fell through wasn't completely ideal anyway, but it would have got me out quick which would have been ideal. I guess it is just going to take a bit longer than I want it to. I can't wait to be handing the keys back (or more like posting them through the letter box) and walking away from all this hurt. Whilst he is away I'm going to pack up my stuff ready to go when I do have somewhere.

 

I'm not bothered by my ex seeing everything I've written on here. He's heard it all from me already. But I feel there are some things I don't want him to know that I would like to discuss on here. In which case I guess I will just have to go another website.... a shame because people on here are so lovely.

 

Change your username, don't put your location etc, it's been done before, I think there's a thread about it in the Loveshack questions and comments forum, about how to do it. Don't leave if you need support, really don't.

[phineas]

I use a totally unique user id for this forum & to window shop on dating sites.

 

Maybe some other forums that I don't post much on also.

 

That said, when my wife was cheating & I posted here I cleared my cookies & history before I shut down the PC.

 

I kept that habit after she moved out.

She had snuck into the house on more than one occasion & booted up my PC.

I know this from the event log.

Also, sometimes I have friends over & they want to check something on the net like a movie time or menu for a delivery place.

 

I don't want LS showing up in the address drop down. Especially if it's a woman friend.

 

Firefox has a private browsing feature that leaves no trace on the PC.

I've been playing with that recently.

[oneheart]

Thanks guys

 

I guess that is the way to go...change my username - it's just I lose my background story which is dull... anywho

 

I'm packing at home still today. It's hard because I STILL don't believe it's completely over... I am just saying out loud all the things that have lead me here....

 

"He does not care if hurts me"

 

and:

 

"I am not a high priority - her feelings are a higher priority, the dog is a higher priority, he does not care if it upsets me, I cannot ask for anything different to what he wants - everything has to be his way.... - I am not allowed to ask for anything more, I am not allowed to ask for anything he doesn't want to hear..."

 

It sounds mad but I have even put myself in his shoes and said it out loud "You are not a priority to me, I do not care if it upsets you..." etc etc. And just going through how wrong it feels to say some of the things he has said to me... Most of all I am repeating "I do not care if it upsets you." It makes me realise that he doesn't love me .... not LOVE me... NOT commited, DOES NOT CARE E - N- O -U -G -H. I was just a possession. A cheerleader. Housewife. I'm not saying he hasn't helped me or inspired me but I really feel I just filled a practical role for him, even a emotional practical role... just a lack of depth and as important compassion... he did not care if it upset me... his feelings were more important.

 

I wish it felt like the full stop. I guess that will come. I think I will feel a bit further along once I have packed everything up ready to move. The amount of room that will be there in my mind that used to be filled with love and consideration, things to do for him - without them my mind will be so free. I was totally dedicated to him more than anyone I have ever met... I was just starting to blossom in my independance.... something he wanted to see me do... well, thing is, it was me who did it - not him. I stood my ground. I made it clear what I was unhappy about. BUT he did not care it upset me... he did not care if his behaviour upset me. To him if I was upset by something he had done or not done, I was unreasonable...

 

I'm so glad the sun is shining today...

 

I'll be changing my username soon....

[paddington bear]

a relative of mine was on his then girlfriend's computer. She was writing a book. He said it was there on screen for him to see. He said 'it was very suspiciously like me, the fictional man she'd written about and what she'd written about me was not good'.

 

The relationship soon floundered. The point is, people who snoop have to be prepared to read things that they might not want to. So, he only has himself to blame if he's done that.

 

Your posts have not indicated that he was a bad person, you did not say anything nasty about him - well, not until now! So, even if he has registered, for me anyway it was clear you loved him, but had this one thorn in your side of the dog and ex issue.

 

Think about this rationally, if you'd felt able to talk to your boyfriend about these issues, you would have, instead of writing on a public forum. Even if you did feel like you could bring it up, sometimes you're not sure how to approach things and it's good to have a sounding board, you can take or disregard advice you get here, but at least gives you a more rounded view than you had previously.

 

Shame that the houseshare fell through. I know that feeling, you just want to get out asap and just have some breathing space, if only to mourn the relationship you lost.

 

Regarding your boyfriend - this is all assumption. The relationship ended abruptly, nasty things were said. That does not mean there is not some emotional involvement on his side. He is no doubt questioning himself as you are and have been. Perhaps he'll change his mind, perhaps he won't - that's exactly what the 'we're not in a relationship right now' comment means. But, if he truly doesn't want to lose you, you might be with someone else, without ex issues when he decides that right now is over.

 

Don't panic about staying with your mum. It's a temporary arrangement until you find somewhere else. I've made stupid moves when I've been in an emotional state, out of the frying pan into the fire. Stay there and concentrate on looking for somewhere to stay where the people are nice, where it's near to where you want to be. Otherwise you'll end up in some s***hole, with people you don't like, feeling utterly miserable and dreading having to move yet again.

[oneheart]

I've just come back to this thread to update and maybe ask for some more advice..... about feeling guilty and maybe writing him a letter.

 

I've been packing over the past couple of days and been at uni. I've still got a bit to pack. Got my first piece of work back from uni and got a really good mark! Crikey! I was so shocked - top of the class! !

 

Whilst I've been packing, I've come across journals that say things that really support me leaving this relationship. It's been useful. I'm really glad I wrote them and it is helping me feel that moving on is the best thing to do.

 

What I am finding hard is that he did actually do things for me - which were kind, and thoughtful. He did have feelings for me. This is making me feel guilty about not being happy enough with him. I dont want him to think I took advantage of him. Because I didn't. I accepted his financial help to help me grow, it is what we both wanted, I saw that as a gift from him and it meant a lot. I'm pretty sure I made it clear I was grateful. But now I feel guilty and like I made a mistake.

 

I'm so sad, I tried so hard for him in many ways - trying to be everything to him, a friend, lover, counsellor, cheerleader, problem solver, someone to take care of him and our home, a companion.... I just wanted to do everything I could to make his life easier. I hope he sees that.

 

I am thinking of writing a letter to him. To say thanks. And maybe to explain why I can't carry on. I think I know what I need in order to make this relationship work for me now but I just don't see he will be prepared to go along with it. And I think I need to hear that so we can both really get closure on this.

 

It's so weird because we were getting on so well, really enjoying our time together before his ex text. I felt like we were really getting somewhere - he seemed more considerate and lovely than he had been for a long time. I thought to myself FINALLY.... I felt so happy I had a life for myself too with me studying away. It all seemed perfect for me. But in reality the same issues would have come up again tho. Like they did - his ex text. And then the other issues would have come up one by one over time like they always have... like time together, holidays or him not speaking to me for days. Issues I have tried to sort out with him several times and nothing has changed. The changes he would need to make are huge and he isn't prepared to even make small ones by setting boundaries with his ex. And as he has made it clear he doesn't want to change... it leaves me no choice but to go and never look back.

[oneheart]

I just want to add again - thanks to EVERYONE. I just cannot say how much you have all helped me.... I'm so grateful you were here. These are such important decisions and you really have helped to save my life. *teary smile* thank you. xx

[freestyle]

Good Morning Oneheart...

 

it might be cathartic for you to write him a letter, but you don't necessarily have to give it to him.

 

I sense that you feel guilty about leaving him because he provided you financial support.....He's the one who broke it off, however, and refused to compromise.

 

It also doesn't outweigh the fact that he withheld pertinent info from you that could have affected your decision about starting a relationship with him in the first place.

 

His failure to be forthcoming about his ex still being in his life shows that he knew darn well that it could be an issue.

 

I'm guessing it affected his other attempts to have relationships in the past.

 

His were not the actions of an honest man.

 

His were not the actions of a man who has a regard for your point of view. Or your feelings.

 

I think you're going to come away from this stronger, and wiser.

 

BTW, congrats on your high marks!!