We were in love - I'm so shocked

[unsaved]

Hello all,

 

This is my FIRST post. PLEASE SOMEONE READ THIS! I'm desperate. It is a little long but please help me or give some sort of advice.

 

Starting in Oct. of '09, I began dating my b/f. He was so nice and kind to me and treated me wonderfully. He was SUCH a drastic change from my then-ex, who was verbally abusive and an alcoholic. Although I was hesitant with this new guy b/c of my dramatic ex-relationship, plus he lived an hour away, I still went in with an open mind.

 

He is a baseball coach for a college and I thought this was very cool and in the off-season (Oct to December), things went so wonderfully. We had similar tastes in music, the attraction was so high, he is so funny, we got along great. Eventually, we told each other we loved each other (he said it to me first) and began planning a future together. We had plans to move intogether this summer, talked about getting married, talked about having kids, everything. In fact, he initiated many of these talks. He even was looking up wedding venues and apartments for us to live in! He had me meet his family over the holidays and he met mine. Again, he was so into me and I was into him.

 

However, him being a coach often involves a rocky schedule and quick changes in plans often. Because of this, I often became anxious and upset with him b/c of my own personal anxiety problems and worry that baseball would come first. He had always assured me that he would put me and family first before baseball and would keep me as best informed as he could on schedule changes. However, as the spring baseball season has approached this January, his schedule has been more rocky and our tensions have grown. Plus, he lives an hour away so seeing him seldom was also wearing on us. We would get into fights and arguments just over stupid things b/c of the increase in tension and stress from not being around each other. Honestly, i started many of these fights b/c of my worry over what the unstableness would mean for us. I didn't know what it was like dating someone in a profession like this. We knew we hated that we were fighting. But we never talked about it. We just kept going. Despite our fighting, I HONESTLY can say, even after all of this, that there were no signs of his love "dying" or fading away and there were no indications that he was "losing his love" or anything. His behaviors of LOVE and passion and care never changed.

 

Well, this past weekend (superbowl sunday weekend), we had a pretty good saturday night. We made love in the afternoon and went to a nice dinner together. He was all about me. We began watching a TV show and I made a comment about a couple on the TV show and how cute they were and I had wished for us to be as close as them. My b/f dismissed the comment and I got upset. I played the "silent treatment" game and we ended up going to bed. The next day, i was still somewhat mad and he ended up leaving to go home for baseball practice. He had texted me earlier in the day to see what was up with me, but i was away with my parents. He finally called later. On the phone, he then asked me what I was upset about and I told him that his comment bothered me. We then got into another argument and in the middle of it, he stated he "couldn't do this anymore." I was shocked. SO shocked. He eventually ended up hanging up.

 

I was devastated. In the middle of the night, I drove down to his apartment in a snow storm. He let me in and immediately hugged me and held me. I began crying,said i was sorry, and he said "let's go to bed." We went to bed and he held me the entire night, caressing my back, holding my hand, running his fingers through my hair. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me and to get some sleep. The next day, he went to work and when I woke up, I asked if I could stay at his apartment. He said I could stay. It's funny, I had even run out to my car to get my purse and accidentally locked myself out of the apartment and he left work to let me BACK in. I slept a few more hours and then called him. He was then cold again, stating he "didn't know what to do" and "wasn't sure." I became upset and told him I was so sorry for everything and to give me a chance. He said he needed "time" to think about things. I, of course, was somewhat freaked out and pleaded that he give me another chance. He said he needed to think. He told me to calm myself down and drive home and to listen to Coldplay, OUR band on the way home to make myself feel better. I did this.

 

I waited almost two days and did not hear from him. My anxiety got the best of me and I talked with my friends for advice and decided I needed to talk to him. I asked him through chat if we could talk and he resisted. He stated, "I don't want to talk because I don't have any answers for you right now." I told him that despite him not having answers, i still had things I needed to say. He was still resistant but later that night, I called and he agreed to meet the next day at his apartment. (He kept emphasizing how busy he was, but allowed me to come).

 

I prepared a whole speech (even typed out my points) about how much I loved him and how much of our fights began due to my anxiety and how anxiety turns into anger for me easily. I literally laid my whole heart out there for him. I told him that I had a plan for us to make it work again and that I just wanted another chance. However, it did not go well from there. After all this, he still said "I just don't know." I, of course, began to becme upset and he stated maybe it wouldn't work out and that maybe we could work, but he didn't want to try right now. I asked him why he had led me on the whole week and kept telling me "I need to think" and "I dont know." He said he wasn't sure what he wanted and he "wanted to be sure." He said he still wasn't sure. I told him that maybe there is no such thing as "sure." He then said, "well if that is the case, then I will come crawling back to you. In fact, I will probably just show up at your door without calling you to try to win you back." I then said, "what if I wait for you? What if i wait?" He said no, he couldn't make me wait b/c he would be afraid that it would turn out like it has this time and it would hurt me more. But, he then said that there was no changing his mind right now. I stayed and asked more questions about why he didn't communicate to me sooner that things were this bad. He said he thought he did. But, he ADMITTED that he did not communicate that message well. I told him I thought he was making a mistake. He said maybe so. Eventually, all he kept saying was "i'm sorry."

 

I left. The next day, I texted him asking him to leave my things with mutual friends. He agreed. I then sent him a text message that said, "I would give you my whole world if you want it. I would wait forever for you. I know things were bad. But I know we could be great. If you ever see what I see, If you do ever realize that you loved me. Don't hesitate to take a chance on me. Good luck with everything. I will miss you dearly."

 

He didn't respond. I have blocked him from chat, took our relationship off of facebook (he made himself single), changed my profile pic, and took down pictures of a trip we took to Oregon.

 

This was yesterday morning. I haven't contacted him since. I know I won't contact him just so I don't embarass myself anymore.

 

I am so heartbroken. I loved this man so much. It seemed he loved me so much too. How do feelings change SO suddenly? Does anyone have any insight for me? Does the start of the baseball season and this decision seem coincidental? (They happened literally simultaneously). I am so confused. Thank you SO MUCH to whoever takes the time to read this and repost.

Edited February 14, 2010 by unsaved

[skydiveaddict]

Hello all,

 

I am so heartbroken. I loved this man so much. It seemed he loved me so much too. How do feelings change SO suddenly? Does anyone have any insight for me? Does the start of the baseball season and this decision seem coincidental? (They happened literally simultaneously). I am so confused. Thank you SO MUCH to whoever takes the time to read this and repost.

 

 

No one can answer these questions for you, no one but him knows the real answers. But it's a GREAT idea to dump his fb page. I would also dump his # off your phone, dump his email address, etc. Believe me, I KNOW how much you are hurting right now. I am too. The best thing to do is N.C. read Caliguy's "Guide to no Contact " here for more info. Just know that only time heals these wounds. And know that you WILL be ok, cause you will be. Try to stay busy, hang close to friends, cry on a few shoulders, whatever it takes. You're gonna be ok. Hang in there. Oh, one other thing, go SKYDIVING! best therapy in the world for a broken heart. Good luck to ya and one more time,HANG IN THERE .You're gonna be ok!

Edited February 14, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[Sassygirl2]

I read your post and I feel for you. I can relate to you because I had the same issues with my boyfriend and me being anxious about stuff with him. He took it as me being "too demanding", "too controlling" or whatever he called it. I know it feels like your whole world is falling apart but please stay strong for yourself. You are going to get through this! I have to tell myself this several times a day and I think it helps. I went through an entire week of not being able to do anything (work, sleep, eat) because of this one person who decided I am not worth his love? You have to think of the other people in your life who love and care about you. Call friends and tell them you are sorry but you just need to talk about it "again!" and hopefully they can listen and offer some support. (I am hoping I'm not burning out my friends!)

 

The other thing that has helped me is thinking of the people who are less fortunate than I am. The wives who see their husbands/boyfriends go to war and they never come back, the people suffering all over the world for various reasons and then I think, "WOW! I can do this and get through this!"

 

Just my two sense and I hope it helps a little. You are going to make it and be OK. Also, read the links that the others provide for reading. They will help a lot too.

[2sunny]

my gut says he met someone else he wanted to see if he was interested in.

 

don't play the needy gal - it's never attractive on anyone.

[CarrieT]

How do feelings change SO suddenly? Does anyone have any insight for me? Does the start of the baseball season and this decision seem coincidental? (They happened literally simultaneously). I am so confused. Thank you SO MUCH to whoever takes the time to read this and repost.

 

I know this is hard for you, but his feelings did not change SO suddenly. They occur over time and many people (men and women both) who are unsure about their futures and their relationships, hide their feelings until they ARE sure it is not what they want or that they are happy. That is the hardest part of someone who is suddenly feeling like it came out of the blue but it is rarely the case; he has thought about it a long time and it just came to a head for him but because you two were not communicating, for you it came all of a sudden.

 

As others have said, the best thing you can do is instigate NC, remove his FB page, and move on -- as painful as it seems.

[Joe Normal]

How do feelings change SO suddenly? Does anyone have any insight for me?

 

Feelings change due to negative influences - such as numerous fights over trivial BS. Guys get tired of that *real fast*.

 

If you love a guy that much, try to avoid fights over relatively minor issues. Have a fight if he screws up something big, sure, but not because of some small stuff that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

 

Chances are he already thought of ending it several times due to your hair-trigger fuse and tendency to blow up over little things. He may have just kept it inside in the hope you'd see sense, and this last "silent treatment" and then blowup by you was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

In future I would recommend being much more careful about starting fights and getting upset. Realise that fighting over little things will ultimately destroy ANY relationship if done long enough.

[EYECANDY000]

its ok hun,

 

if you feel the need to, cry... a lot of the times it helps. I know it helped me at times. I cried so much that I am all cried out. It is now 6 days since I have contacted my ex. one thing that I do suggest is to talk to friends. it helps!!!!!!!

 

one thing that I can say is that with this relationship I have learned a few things about myself. and I am working on fixing them.

-Know what your faults and flaws are and work on trying to fix them

 

evidently no one is perfect but if it is something that you know can be unbearable to a mate or unhealthy to yourself then try to work on fixing them.

 

Lastly, since hes not sure, then give him time to be sure. As much as you feel the need to go over to his house or to call him.. Dont!!!!!!! give him time to come to you!

[curiousnycgirl]

Unsaved I am sorry you are going through so much pain, I know it hurts, really I do. Having said that I think you need to look at the speed with which things happened in your relationship, afterall it was only 4.5 months long!

 

The truth of the matter is that you guys really didn't know eachother all that well. For the first few months of a relationship we are always on our best behaviour - it takes time to trust someone enough to relax and show our real selves. How can we love the other if we don't really know them?

 

Clearly you did not feel comfortable enough to trust him and your anxieties took over. You could not possibly have been happy with all that anxiety - it's not at all a positive emotion.

 

Simliarly he began to show his true colors - basically lack of rigor and reliability. I've never heard of college sports involving a rocky schedule. I've heard of them having a hectic schedule, and a rigid schedule - but surprises are a bit shocking to me. Typically practices are every day and the game schedule is what it is. What am I missing here? Sounds to me like he was using it as an excuse to do soemthing else that he preferred. Which is a characteristic you learned fed your anxieties and mad eyou unhappy.

 

I agree with Skydiveaddict you need to go full no contact for the sole purposes of healing yourself. Focus on taking care of yourself and making yourself happy.

 

Meanwhile remember that a relationship that starts with a bang will end just as quickly. However a relationship that grows slowly and builds on itself is typically one that you can rely on.

 

Good luck to you.

[unsaved]

Wow, thank you all so much for responding to me.

 

You are all absolutely right. I saw my anxiety as the the source of our problems and wanted to "fix" that for him. However, as time is slowly creeping by now, I am starting to realize I just wasn't happy with our situation. If I was, this all probably would not have happened. And that wasn't going to change. I am not sure if I was ever going to be happy, even after trying to "fix" everything about myself. This guy was is EXTREMELY committed to baseball and his and my true colors were starting to show. You are right, 4.5 months is not enough time to for us to show our real selves and we jumped into it all too early.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do agree that I do let little things bother me sometimes in relationships. It is something i absolutely need and will work on in this time alone. If there's anything I can learn from all of this, it's that I don't want something like this to happen again and I DO want to be a better person for my next guy.

 

And you're all also right about him thinking about this for awhile. He just hid it until he was sure it wasn't working. It all makes sense.

 

And yes, perhaps he has someone else or someone waiting. I've definitely been hit by that before (Eventually found out that my last ex slept with a girl the same night we broke up). But, he stands by that that is not the case and that he would never think about starting any kind of new relationship at the beginning of his season (i think i believe him, actually). But, i've been surprised before ;-).

 

Well, right now, my emotions aren't so strong and I feel my thoughts are coming from a logical place. But, as we all know, this morning I may feel good and later on I might go back to feeling down and out and still wonder how this whirlwind happened. I do still love him and hope for the best for him. But, I do know that I will heal from all of this and move on. I WILL NOT contact him, even if is to the bitter end. There is absolutely nothing else I can do except heal.

 

Thank you all so much again for your help.

 

Happy Valentine's Day - Hope you all have/find someone special to share it with.

[RedDevil66]

My advice, don't try to understand or try to analyze someone you've only known for a very short time. It takes years to really get to know someone.

 

It also sounds like you were very needy and men really don't like needy women.

Ask yourself why you needed to beg for a guy back you've only know a few short months.

 

Your anxiety issues seem like abandonment issues. Find out why.