smrlvin Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 i posted this in marriage but it might be better posted here, i dot' know...i just need someone to talk to me, someone to help me understand what to do...do i seperate? do i give in and just say screw it? i do'nt want to, tha'ts hte thing. i'm so upset right now. i have been for a while. i hate my life. i hate the way my husband treats me sometiems, i have to walk on pins and needles all the time. he yells at me, throws things, calls me names and demeans me. i cry, he calls me a baby. this i my 2nd marriage and i'm only 31. first marriage lasted 6 months. now this is going into year 2 and i'm already considering leaving him or kicking him out. i'm a normal, kind, soft spoken person...my parents are church goers and think my life is just dandy but it's not. some days i have a great time with my husband and no fighting or anything and he tells me how he loves me, writes me notes, does nice things like clean the house or make dinner or just hug me. it's great. then next i say something wrong and he is an *******. he told me last night in a huge fight that i nag too much. i bitch too much. maybe i do but i feel like nothing would get done if i didn't. i don't know what to do. i want to tell him to leave, but i would not be able to make it on my own, financially especially. i need him. i need him to be the person i fell in love with and not this crazy monster he has turned into. he broke our laptop and called me this morning and said...we need to look at getting a new laptop and i said we'll talk about it later. he hangs up on me. so i call him back and he said we need to go get a laptop tonight cause he broke ours (throwing it in anger). i didn't say much and he said all of a sudden 'don't worry about it, i'll take care of it, i'll wait until i get paid and take care of it' in a MEAN tone. wtf. i'm at work, crying, my eyes are puffy and i don't know what to do. i don't want my friends or family to know what i'm going through as this is my 2nd marriage and i've painted such a pretty picture to them all the time. no one knows of his mean bursts or words - his family does but that's about it. part of me wonders if he is bipolar, but know he would NEVER go to the doctor for it. he even has said that his life would be better if i wasn't in it. i'm really scared we are headed for divorce...i don't want to go through it again and have to explain after i've painted such a pretty picture. i'm so scared right now. so sad. i hate my life.
ScooterMan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Get rid of him. Too many men out there looking for a good woman. Trust me, people RARELY ever change.
In_Repair Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I think you two need to get away from each other for a little while. You both probably have very valid arguments regarding the other's shortcomings, because there's always two sides to the story, but his behavior(and possibly yours) isn't going to allow any progress in the marriage. Let him have some time alone to determine for himself if he wants the marriage enough to change his ways. If he cleans his act up, then great. If not, then you are already down the road towards a better life.
Author smrlvin Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Get rid of him. Too many men out there looking for a good woman. Trust me, people RARELY ever change. i know people RARELY ever change, i think that's why i'm so upset. why did i let him do this to me? i don't want to lose him is the thing...when he is not overweight (which he is right now) and hwen we have money (which we don't really right now) things are great...now he's overweight and hates himself and doesn't even want to go out sometimes, never can find anything to wear and isn't happy with himself so takes it out on me. i know this is the case. when i met him he was 100+ lbs lighter than he is now. and i was 20 lbs lighter than i am now! lol thta doesn't help matters to me either. ugh. i don't know what to do...i feel like he wants to be without me most of the time, never have sex anymore and he tells me because he cant' right now. i'm talking once a month. maybe. i love him. i met him for the first time 5 years ago (this week) and when i saw him i knew i would marry him, i know people say that but iremember telling myself that. i'm so lost. he's so mean to me but can be so nice. up and down. up and down is the story of our relationship. i want to cry and not leave my bed...
Author smrlvin Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 I think you two need to get away from each other for a little while. You both probably have very valid arguments regarding the other's shortcomings, because there's always two sides to the story, but his behavior(and possibly yours) isn't going to allow any progress in the marriage. Let him have some time alone to determine for himself if he wants the marriage enough to change his ways. If he cleans his act up, then great. If not, then you are already down the road towards a better life. very true, i'm not one to give anyone their 'time' and i think i egg things on and make it worse. i cant' let things be...i'm going to try not calling him at all today...going to give him his space and see what happens. it'll be less stress to be around anyway...i don't want him to think i want our marriage to end is my thing.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 My marriage is up and down like this also. Good, then bad, then good, then bad. When things are good I always think 'if it was like this all of the time I wouldn't think of leaving', then when it takes a turn all I can think is 'I can't live like this the rest of my life'. There's a book you should try to read. I bought it on Amazon, maybe you could find it in a library. Make sure he doesn't find it though. It's called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. You may find your husband in that book and realize what you're dealing with. It's a great book and may give you some insight and strength. Good luck!
Author smrlvin Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 looks like it is emotional abuse, i already knew that...but i don't want to divorce. i want him to realize what he is doing to me but i don't know how. i don't know if he even realizes just how much he hurts me... last night he got pissed off that i told him to leave hte dog alone so he just went to bed. got up this mornign and was an butt and said 'i didn't sleep good' wtf i slept on teh couch until 3am and he went to bed at 9pm!!!!!!!! he didn't call me at all yesterday like he normally does. he may be pulling away from me slowly. i'm going out of town this weekend, to get away and come back vday. maybe some time apart is what we need.
Author smrlvin Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 things are better...i took a step back, realized i was nagging A LOT and i needed space more than i knew. now i have space, it's great. i haven't nagged about things and miraculously they are getting done (trash, etc) i'm not going to say we're okay by any means but this is a great step so far. i'm excited to talk to him, to see him now. i hope it stays this way. communication is key and we are both learning that.
silverfish Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 things are better...i took a step back, realized i was nagging A LOT and i needed space more than i knew. now i have space, it's great. i haven't nagged about things and miraculously they are getting done (trash, etc) i'm not going to say we're okay by any means but this is a great step so far. i'm excited to talk to him, to see him now. i hope it stays this way. communication is key and we are both learning that. I'm glad things are better....just, please don't think that it means things have changed. Look at the post above about emotional abuse, read the book that Mrs A talked about. Use these 'ok' times to try and analyse the things that lead up to these incidents with him. You need to recognise what is going on so you can help yourself. Have you talked to him about his behaviour? Is he planning on working on his anger issues? If you read up on emotional abuse you will find that his behaviour now is part of the cycle of treatment he uses to keep you under control. You may also find that your behaviour (nagging, getting emotional and so on) is also a standard reaction by lots of women to being emotionally abused. It can escalate to physical abuse as well, and it already has in the past from what you've described - throwing and breaking things, teasing the dog. Please read up on this - there are loads of websites, and be prepared for the next time it happens, because I hope I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it will happen again
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 A common issue with emotional abuse is that you will blame yourself, if I just nagged less, if this, if that. I have felt "if I stood up to him more in the beginning, if I kept the house cleaner, if I worked harder to make his life easier (cuz you know, he works so hard)" on and on and on But the reality is none of that matters. It's him. He's angry and miserable and controlling and he's taking it out on you. It's not the money, it's not the weight. You are thinking 'we use to be happier and this is why', but in reality his behavior is probably just escalating, as it will tend to do. I shook in fear the day I realized that probably one of the things that kept me in this marriage all of these years was thinking as he aged he would 'mellow out'. And he hasn't, he's getting worse. Things might be good for a while. Last December I had a home party here and my H was nice as could be. Social to my friends (shocking!), helped me clean up, etc. I thought to myself 'boy if he was like this all the time I could live like this'. But shortly after we had a horrible 2 weeks around Christmas. And when I called him on it with the therapist present he said 'holidays were so tough when I was a kid, they are just hard on me now'. Well BS!! He's just trying to give a good excuse for his behavior that would make both the therapist and myself not only forgive him but feel badly for him. I am seeing this sooo clearly these days after great posts from Silverfish and others on my thread, and mostly from reading that book. Once you realize why he acts the way he does, things will be a lot clearer to you. I feel like I am seeing my marriage with more clarity than I've ever had within the last 2 weeks. He won't change unless he has serious intervention with an anger management class or a therapist. And I don't mean couples counseling because that will put the focus on both of you. He gets something out of his behavior so he won't change it. Why would he go through the trouble? Read the book, seriously, it will help you tremendously. Look at the post you wrote on February 11th. He picks a fight and gets to go to bed early. Then with no empathy at all for how you slept he continues to complain about how he slept, putting the focus back on how you should feel badly for him. And he went to bed at 9 and slept alone in the bed. Then the next day he didn't call you and that was his way of punishing you. My H has this thing about criticism. He takes so many things as me criticizing him. Like you with the dog. You asked him to leave the dog alone and he took it like you criticizing him or picking on him. So he gets to go to bed early and have the bed to himself, then not call you the next day so you get the message that you did something wrong. Unbelievable. Hope I'm not being too harsh. Just want you to see it for what it is.
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