Girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man

[confused_pjl]

My girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man. We officially broke up 2 wks ago and I just found out it was for another guy she works with....her Supervisor. This guys is the complete opposite of me. He is covered in tattoos, piercing's, listens to hard rock, metal and punk music and has pics of Charles Manson and Anti Christ stuff all over his FB.

 

To give you a little background, we both worked for the same company. I was in a corporate position making good money and she was a customer service rep making $12/hr. She is 8 yrs younger than me, which I was always worried about. I had many conversations asking her if this relationship is what she really wanted. I told her when I was her age I was going to bars and partying all the time. I told her if thats what she wanted to let me know because that meant we were on different paths. She kept saying she didn't want that. She wanted a family.

 

As part of my job I travelled a lot. This girl couldn't go a day without texting me 10 times and talking to me at least twice. It killed her every time I travelled, even if it was for one day. She would be lost and wouldn't know what to do. I also paid for everything (I know, big mistake). So her paycheck was all hers. She contributed here and there but not much. So, 7 months ago I was laid off because of corporate cutbacks. I received a good severance package so we were o.k. financially for the first 5 months. She was very supportive and caring during this time. Which relieved me because I always thought in the back of my mind that she was with me for my money. My money started running out before Christmas and my Unemployment didn't kick in until January. This meant she had to start contributing more. In December she had to pay the rent. In January she would have had to pay Rent, Car Payment and Insurance. It would have only been 2 months of financial struggles and then we would have been back on our feet.

 

Keep in mind she was still working at the same place. She would txt me throughout the day and call me on every break and come home for lunch. She kissed me goodbye every morning and gave me a huge hug every day when she got home. She never expressed any concern about our finances our my lack of employment. We had a pregnancy scare the first week of January. It turned out she wasn't pregnant but she clearly stated she would have been happy to be.

 

She also kept asking if I was ring shopping and talking about getting married. Well, 1 week later everything changed. All of sudden she was confused and didn't know what she wanted anymore. This didn't make sense to me and still doesn't. How can someone go from wanting to marry you and have your children, txt you and call you many times each day to being confused?

 

Within 3 days we were broken up and 2 days after that she moved out of our house. It doesn't make sense to me, my friends and my family. No one can understand because she loved me so much it was like she worshipped the ground I walked on. She also spent $1500 on me at Christmas. There were no signs coming and we NEVER fought. I am obviously very sad and hurt. Its been 2 weeks since we broke up and now she is on a business trip for 2 weeks. I have had No Contact with her in a week. I'm hoping the next 2 weeks she is away that she realizes the mistake she made.

 

She also still has a box of stuff here and my cell phone is in her name. The last contact I had with her was asking her when she was going to pick up her things and authorize me to take financial responsibility over my cell phone.

 

Now, I know there is another guy in the picture. It seems like everything happened in the blink of an eye. One day she wants to get married and have kids, the next day she wants to break up and the day after she is with another guy. Any advice would be great.

[nomad0792]

Hey confused*-

 

I know this is very hard for you. I'm in a similar boat, but I've been NC for 3 months now. THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD TO DO, but I STRONGLY encourage you to do implement hardcore NC. WHY? Because anything you find out at this point will only hurt you more and will push her further away. If she has turned her heart off to you, then your only option is to NC. Some may tell you to fight for her, etc. But man, if she is with someone else then you MUST protect yourself. It's hard, but the less you know about what she's doing the better.

 

Are you sure there weren't any signs? For instance, starting to challenge you on things more. Meaning the cutesy things you used to do seemed not so cutesy. Usually, there are signs before a girl jumps ship.

 

I moved out of our apt (it was hers, but i paid the rent) and slept on a couch for a month while trying to give her space. I gave her space, but anytime I brought up the relationship, she would get angry with me. I finally got fed up with it and decided I needed my space, so I just one day stopped calling her. Excluding some secondary attempts at contacting me, we haven't spoken in over 3 months. I took her off FB and do NOTHING to find out about her life. It's the hardest thing I've had to do in my entire life, but knowing what she's up to and continuing to kiss her ass is NOT an option.

 

You still have some strings, but you must, for your own sanity, not give into the emotions. It will be hard, but if you just stay strong and KEEP YOUR BALLS (or get them back) you will be better off in the long run.

 

I hope this helps man!

[DustySaltus]

Confused, Nomad gives great advice. I will just add that you always need to trust your instincts. When you think that someone may not be mature enough to handle a relationship, you're probably right.

 

Relationships are not judged when they are at their best, but on days where life throws everything at you at once and the bond goes stronger than ever. NC is the way to go. It's going to be hard but in time you will grow stronger and use this experience to find the woman that is truly meant for you.

[CaliGuy]

OP:

 

There's a few links in my signature that will start you out. #1 of which I want you to understand that I dated someone exactly 8 years younger than me with the same result. Suffice to say, both our exes are immature and still want to sow their oats. In my case, my ex did not come back -- and that's probably a good thing because the relationship was bound for failure one way or another. If you are mature and she is not, it will fail.

 

As for her "quick switch", I know it seems odd to you but when women are young, this happens quite often. As they change, grow, mature (and sometimes regress) what they want and their predictability goes out the window. You need to not focus on the "WHY>" and focus more on the "WHAT DO I DO NOW?"

 

What you do is this: You box her stuff up (everything), you give it to a mutual friend and have them drop it off. You block her on IM/FB and ignore all phone calls. She knows where you live and if she really wanted to be with you, she will literally (and I mean this) BEAT YOUR FRONT DOOR DOWN.

 

Staying NO CONTACT with her is best for you because it will make you go "COLD TURKEY" with her. You're going to obsess about her and the whys but honestly you will never get a clear answer. Even if you did, you wouldn't accept it and would try to reason with her as to why she's wrong (you can not reason with love, love is not logical -- it's emotional and irrational at best).

 

The two guides in my signature are like cough medicine. It doesn't taste very good going down but it is GOOD for you -- if you follow it exactly. The key here isn't to win her back, it's to win YOURSELF back. The only way you do that is to beat your addiction to her. You're not going to stop loving her so this is going to take some time. But I assure you that NO CONTACT and NOT HOLDING OUT HOPE are the best ways to heal. Your life should not be put on hold while she goes out sowing her wild oats.

 

Again, it's important that you put the WHY/HOW questions aside and look at this from the perspective of "Ok, she left. Now what do I do? Do I pick up the pieces of my life and move forward or do I wallow in self-pity, regret and the hope of a second chance and never heal?!"

 

The choice is yours (and it IS a choice)....

 

Cheers.

[confused_pjl]

Thanks for the advice, its been really helpful. I haven't been able to officially start NC because my cell phone is still in her name. I told her over a week ago to authorize me to take financial responsibility. She send me a FB msg last night stating she would call the cell phone company when she was done work. Well, I went to use my phone today and it was shut off because of non-payment. This means her phone is shut off as well. So I'm left with 2 options. I really want to keep my # but in order for me to do that I either have to contact her again or wait until she makes the payment and authorizes me to take over. The other option is to just get a brand new # on my own account and leave her with the responsibility of my current # and a $400 cancellation fee. What should I do?

[confused_pjl]

Well, yesterday I dropped her last box of stuff off at her new place while she was at work. Her roommates weren't home so I left it by the front door. I also got my own phone line and changed my number. NC officially began yesterday. I won't lie, this is tough. I keep thinking about her. Its hard to keep changing your mindset every time they pop into your mind. I am getting stronger each day, I just hope I can stay strong.

[CaliGuy]

Well, yesterday I dropped her last box of stuff off at her new place while she was at work. Her roommates weren't home so I left it by the front door. I also got my own phone line and changed my number. NC officially began yesterday. I won't lie, this is tough. I keep thinking about her. Its hard to keep changing your mindset every time they pop into your mind. I am getting stronger each day, I just hope I can stay strong.

 

Just remember the following:

 

"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..."

[bluestraps]

Beware, what do you really want. Do you want it permenantly over or do you believe in it. Dont let anyone on here sway you . You are your own man.

 

My girlfriend left me for another also. This was almost 5 months ago. There are a lot of firsts where you can start and this will happen graduallly. First you will need to let your emotion go, you will need to greive, For losing her presence from your life, and your relationship . A year and a half is a good amount of time, You have spent probably eachothers birthdays together, Christmas, Valentines day ect.

 

You should keep no contact. Just as already advised. Now you need some time to get away from the situation, maybe a month or so.

I think greiving and the time away will be the first part of your breakup

I know it seems long ,30 days or maybe 60 days. maybe shorter for you depending on your emotional makeup. In the first few weeks it was a shock , you still may be in this state. About a month into it for me I needed to get something to occoupy my time .

 

More time at work or furthering your career or hobbies that you may have neglected would be good. And also getting out with friends or seeing family. This is the usual advice you will get. and of course some of the "well just get over it" or "its for the best" stuff which may help you but didnt help me.

 

I am more of a get it done kind of guy. I like a chalenge This is where your next move comes in.

 

You may after the initial period, begin to feel like you really want to get back together. This is where it gets complicated. You need to take stock of the relationship , was it really good for you, did it satisfy you. If you do what I did , I really thought hard about a lot of the relationship it started coming back. Thoughts came back . good and bad.

 

If you want her back you need a plan. A year and ahalf is long but not too long . I was with my girl for 10 years. A lot of attachment will occour after that amount of time.

 

A few things, maybe shes scared of commitment. Was she feeling like you were romantic enough, Did she get the right feelings from you, was there chemestry, This is all stuff only she will know. Many time women wont want to ask you to be a certain way. They want to know what the real you is and if you dont fit the bill she may find someonelse who will.

 

SO also this new guy is different from you from what youve said. Or maybe this is the kind of guy she wants. Could be a fling she wants before knowing of sure what she wants. Look at her family, how are they, Do you know about her past do you know everything.

 

You will need to stay away , make her miss you, she wont if you keep bothering her and are trying to hard. If she does call you or anything Id wait a few days to a week before responding . Since you changed the number She cant call you But she knows where you work. Situation may change periodicaly.

 

She may want you back after she realizes what shes done. Havent you heard of people breaking up and reuniting. I have. You may not want it back . This is the core of no contact , to heal and to reassess what you really want .

[bluestraps]

Sorry You guys were together 3 years . Dont confuse the length of time I mentioned above with the amount of time you should spend on greiving.

[loveinlife]

interesting thread. I haven't been loveshack for awhile. i'm here because I just lost a gf since she broke up with me. I like all of the responses here and is learning also what I need to do to mend my heart. cheers to the wonderful advices =)

[loveinlife]

Sorry to hear about your lost confuse. best wishes to you. hope you feels be get better soon =)

[confused_pjl]

Just remember the following:

 

"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..."

 

 

Wow, GREAT quote. This really hits home with me, makes me feel good and motivates me at the same time. Thank You

[brokenporcelain]

Hi,

 

People are constantly learning and growing. They make decisions that they think they can handle but when challenging times calls for integrity that person may not have it.

 

I think this person really liked you but after realizing that she has take up on so many responsibilities, she freaked out.

 

It was not nice of her to leave you like that but she is young and still learning.

 

=D goodluck I hope you can find someone who is mature and ready to commit like you. It is important to have balance and compromise.

[confused_pjl]

So Valentines day was very TOUGH for me. I couldn't avoid it if I tried. All my friends and family talking about celebrating with their SO and every TV show talking about VDay. I was super depressed during the day.

 

In my earlier post I thought my EX was already on her business trip to Decatur. I found out that she actually only left yesterday. I've had NC for not even a week yet and this is killing me. I'm trying to be strong. Reading the posts on here and the replies to my entries are really helpful, thank you to all of you who have given me advice and are helping me cope and move forward.

 

I had to tell my mother to support my NC as well. She is constantly checking my EX's FB to see what's she been up to, what her status is and what photo's (if any) have been posted. This sets me back just as much as if I looked at it myself. My EX still has photos of me on her FB profile, is this normal? Is she keeping them on because my friends and family are still FB friends with her or is it because she wants them there? Should I ask all my friends and family to remove her from FB or just tell them to keep what ever they see to themselves?

 

On another note, I had a date last night. This girl added me to FB 3 weeks ago and started talking to me on MSN and TXT'ing me shortly after my EX left me. I'm obviously still hurting from what my EX did. I thought having the attention and comfort of another woman would help me move on. Well, it did temporarily. I enjoyed her company, we even fooled around a bit. As soon as she left I started thinking about my EX again. Is it a good thing for me to start seeing other women so quickly or is it going to make me feel worse in the long run?

 

I also can't help still thinking that there is hope. I know I shouldn't and I need to move on. I'm trying, but its hard. I keep thinking that the 2 weeks she will be away will make her realize what she gave up. I've been going to the gym, hanging out with friends/ family and trying to keep myself busy. I'm starting to realize that I will never understand why she did this and how she could leave me for such a different person, polar opposites to be exact.

[Thebob]

Caliguy, why don't you write a book....

 

Thebob

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, why don't you write a book....

 

Thebob

 

They've already been written. The tidbits and things I have learned are in the links in my signature. That is why I put them there

 

I refer to "Love Must Be Tough/No More Mr Nice Guy" a lot because those two books are, IMHO, the best two books for men to read pre-during-post breakup phases.

 

Shows men how to behave like men....and how to recover.

[starwolf242]

Confused, I'm in the same situation. Ex bf was 4 yrs my junior and in the space of a week (granted it was a really stressful week) we went from planning to live together and looking at engagement rings to broken up and him virtually straight away getting with another girl (a friend of his) who's fancied him for ages. At the time my gut said she was a rebound and despite my best efforts i can't shake the feeling that he'll come crawling back but we broke up 2 months ago now and he seems to have blanked me from his mind since the day we split. They're young and inexperienced. We can't wait around for them to realise what they've lost (and it is definitely their loss!). We have to pick ourselves up, and keep our eyes peeled for someone who appreciates what we've got to offer and has the maturity to deal with it.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping for a 2nd chance. After all you never know if you don't try. But they left us. It's up to them to come back and seek forgiveness. But having hope and depending on it are different things. Life goes on and has a way of working out for the best. Roll with the punches and have faith that whether it's her or someone else, the perfect girl will come into your life when the time is right and usually when you least expect it!

 

Keep your chin up.

[Thebob]

They've already been written. The tidbits and things I have learned are in the links in my signature. That is why I put them there

 

I refer to "Love Must Be Tough/No More Mr Nice Guy" a lot because those two books are, IMHO, the best two books for men to read pre-during-post breakup phases.

 

Shows men how to behave like men....and how to recover.

 

Which books have you written? I gotta look in to them

 

Thebob

[CaliGuy]

Which books have you written? I gotta look in to them

 

Thebob

 

None. The books I referred to in my earlier message are the ones I think people should be reading...

[Thebob]

oh haha, ya I read those 2 links that are on your signature and I agree with them 99.9%.. A couple are really harsh and I feel it depends how the breakup happened or what occured. But those are definitely very influential pieces of writing that people should definitely look in to! Thanks Cali

 

Thebob

[abdellost]

Beware, what do you really want. Do you want it permenantly over or do you believe in it. Dont let anyone on here sway you . You are your own man.

.

 

 

Hey bluestraps,

 

That is what i keep getting confused at the most. My break up has been 3 weeks and she ended it bad. Just a text, quick call crying saying i changed her and she been lying to herself for the last 2 years (after 5 years together always loving each other more each day), and shut her phone and changed her number. I chased her 2 days later at her college. she was so mean and angry, like i did something wrong ( i honest to god didnt) and asked me to leave her alone, that "i did mean the world" to her and shes sorry for all this.

 

Now, i want to pack up everything and return it to her. Not everything, but cloths, teddy bear, Star frame i got her(named a star after her), those kind of stuff. I cant have them at my house. I will literally die and my family are trying to get rid of it. But like you said, do i want to end it completely or give it time? how should i deal with this?

 

This magizane she been trying to get her articles published contacted me today. it was supposed to be a valentines gift for her (been contacting them on and off since Dec, and it was a surprise for her for Valentines). They contacted me telling me they want to publish it in the Magazine (big hit magazine here). should i go on with it? I dont know. I really love her till now, so mad at her but love her. if anyone read my thread they would understand a little more of whats going on, how she was crying the day before the break up, after an argument we had, that she cant live without me and she never wants me to leave her and she wants me to always love her more and more. Her last text was "dont ever hate me, plz. i cant sleep. im crying in bed scared you can leave me one day. please never let go of us". Sounds like someone who was eye-ing someone else? I dunno. confused. lol

[rand0m]

My ex did the same. Telling me to come to bed because she can't sleep unless I'm next to her. It's all just a game. They say this stuff because either a.) they are actually trying to make something work, and they have strong feelings for you, but not in the way you want, or b.) they just want to end things by keeping you fixated, so that you will always be there ready to let them back in.

 

I have so much resentment towards my ex it's not even funny. Love her to death, miss her like crazy, but don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she's done to me.

[RockGuy87]

 

I refer to "Love Must Be Tough/No More Mr Nice Guy" a lot because those two books are, IMHO, the best two books for men to read pre-during-post breakup phases.

 

Shows men how to behave like men....and how to recover.

 

Can you tell me the authors to those books? Thanks.

[bananaboat11]

Hey - JUST saw your request... subscribed to your post.. will read it later on this evening and reply =)