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can i finally get go NC and get over her real? been trying for 6 months...

Bleed Internal

By Bleed Internal
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Bleed Internal Established Member

Bleed Internal

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i've been dragging out this relationship since we "broke up" last July. levels of communication have varied since then but we've remained fixtures in one another's lives. it's terrible because we love each other so much, but given what's happened between us, there's no foreseeable future. i'm heartbroken and i don't know what to do with myself. i've been with multiple women since i broke up with her, but that hasn't helped. i truly, honestly think she was THE ONE but our relationship is damaged so far beyond repair that being with her is not an option. we're seniors in college and have already committed to careers in different cities. our demise is so final. had things worked out we'd be living in the same city after we graduate, in love, on the path to marriage and more.

 

we had a very dramatic, sad week of contact, only to spend Friday and Saturday together and have lots of fun and sex and passion. then that came crashing down because thoughts of the ways she wronged me eventually come seeping in. we've tried so hard to save our love. last night we said our in goodbyes in which i hope is the last exchange and true NC after we've been trying to more or less since July. it's so hard to let go of someone i love so much but i've tried everything else and i think it's my only option. at this point, i've taken the attitude that if we're meant to be together, it will work out one day. i just need to really step away from it all and get myself together because i haven't been right since last summer. wish me luck...

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Yes, it does sound like you need to start (strict) NC yesterday!

For your own, immediate benefit...but also if you really do think that there's a chance that you two were "meant to be together".

 

i truly, honestly think she was THE ONE but our relationship is damaged so far beyond repair ... because thoughts of the ways she wronged me

That actually makes it sound like the big part of what you're missing is the ability to forgive. I see that as an essential relationship skill that we are not taught.

 

You've got it right that, at this point, it is only your thoughts that are telling you the relationship is "damaged beyond repair." In every other way (besides those misbehaving, stubborn, prideful thoughts), it seems that you've survived whatever it is she did. You're having fun, passionate, sex-filled weekends with her. In reality, that does not add up to "relationship beyond repair."

 

i've taken the attitude that if we're meant to be together, it will work out one day.

No. That is a misguided attitude to take. It will NOT just magically "work out" all by itself. It needs YOU to do the work now...and then maybe one day you'll be ready to replace your misbehaving, stubborn, prideful thoughts that are keeping you two apart with some honest-to-goodness forgiveness. That is what you guys really need, by the sounds of your post.

 

While you are doing strict NC, you'd do well to teach yourself the skill of forgiveness. If not for this relationship, for all the other ones that you are ever going to have, including with your future children.

Do Google and amazon.com searches. A couple of books I've found really helpful: 'How Good Do We Have to Be?' by Harold Kushner, and 'Forgive For Love' by Fred Luskin. (They're both on sale at BookCloseOuts.com)

 

Good luck! With NC and with the forgiveness stuff ;)

Limbo21 Established Member

Limbo21

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Damn Ronni, another great post & what sound advice.

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Bleed Internal Established Member

Bleed Internal

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Yes, it does sound like you need to start (strict) NC yesterday!

For your own, immediate benefit...but also if you really do think that there's a chance that you two were "meant to be together".

 

 

That actually makes it sound like the big part of what you're missing is the ability to forgive. I see that as an essential relationship skill that we are not taught.

 

You've got it right that, at this point, it is only your thoughts that are telling you the relationship is "damaged beyond repair." In every other way (besides those misbehaving, stubborn, prideful thoughts), it seems that you've survived whatever it is she did. You're having fun, passionate, sex-filled weekends with her. In reality, that does not add up to "relationship beyond repair."

 

 

No. That is a misguided attitude to take. It will NOT just magically "work out" all by itself. It needs YOU to do the work now...and then maybe one day you'll be ready to replace your misbehaving, stubborn, prideful thoughts that are keeping you two apart with some honest-to-goodness forgiveness. That is what you guys really need, by the sounds of your post.

 

While you are doing strict NC, you'd do well to teach yourself the skill of forgiveness. If not for this relationship, for all the other ones that you are ever going to have, including with your future children.

Do Google and amazon.com searches. A couple of books I've found really helpful: 'How Good Do We Have to Be?' by Harold Kushner, and 'Forgive For Love' by Fred Luskin. (They're both on sale at BookCloseOuts.com)

 

Good luck! With NC and with the forgiveness stuff ;)

Would you change any of this advice knowing that cheating played a role in the end of our relationship?

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Would you change any of this advice knowing that cheating played a role in the end of our relationship?

That would be your personal call, BI -- Can you, personally, see yourself forgiving someone for making the huge mistake of cheating on you?

 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But if you look around, there are many real life examples of people forgiving what others would consider "unforgivable". Nelson Mandela, Immaculee Ilibagiza, hundreds of thousands of survivors of war and other atrocities. Find summaries of their stories. Research the subject from all possible angles. Get well-informed.

 

I would suggest, while you're doing NC find ways to test-drive 'forgiveness' and then decide if it feels like something you want to at least try to do in this particular situation -- for yourself, not for anyone else. If it still feels impossible...well, at least you gave it your best shot, right?

 

You also have to consider your alternative. You say that, EVEN AFTER she cheated on you, you STILL think she is your 'one' and you STILL love her 'so much'. Not to mention...you're still having fun and sex with her!

 

At some point, you gotta ask yourself if you're cutting off your nose just to spite your face. What's going to be YOUR long-term cost of keeping your heart cold and closed? Are you possibly punishing yourself more than you think you're punishing her?

 

It's a difficult and personal decision. It's a choice you have to make for yourself, BI. It is about you, not about her. (You'd be forgiving her, yes, but only so that YOU can live YOUR happy life with the woman who is YOUR one and whom YOU love so much.)

 

Oh - to answer your question :laugh:. No, I wouldn't change my original response...but I would expand upon it. And I would encourage you to make a wise decision that will best serve YOUR OWN, long-term interests. :love::bunny:

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Bleed Internal Established Member

Bleed Internal

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At some point, you gotta ask yourself if you're cutting off your nose just to spite your face. What's going to be YOUR long-term cost of keeping your heart cold and closed? Are you possibly punishing yourself more than you think you're punishing her?

 

It's a difficult and personal decision. It's a choice you have to make for yourself, BI. It is about you, not about her. (You'd be forgiving her, yes, but only so that YOU can live YOUR happy life with the woman who is YOUR one and whom YOU love so much.)

 

Oh - to answer your question :laugh:. No, I wouldn't change my original response...but I would expand upon it. And I would encourage you to make a wise decision that will best serve YOUR OWN, long-term interests. :love::bunny:

 

Thanks again for the great advice. I have a few points to address. Although deciding to move on is a personal decision, it certainly punishes her just as much, if not more, than it punishes me. If she had it her way, we would be together. We would make a long distance relationship work for two years (before we could be in the same city) when we're in different cities next year. That's the type of love we have. I've just never expressed interest in going that route because I need to heal from what she did to me and move on in life.

 

Keep in mind, that while her cheating is equally devastating and directly ended our relationship, I had been cheating too earlier in the relationship and confessed to it after I found out she was cheating and ended the relationship 6 months ago. I cheated while she was pregnant (child was never born). I cheated with multiple women. I haven't been the best guy either, but somehow the impact of what I did, doesn't connect. No matter how equally terrible I know my cheating was, I just can't bring myself to forgive her or even come to close to getting over what she did. We were even "technically" on a "break" when she cheated and it makes no difference. She did everything with him. Everything. It hurts me to even type about it right now.

 

Maybe I'm just blinded by the residual love for her, because surely she can't be THE ONE, can she? In many ways, it's sad to let her go, but when I have to confront the pain I'm feeling from this, it makes me think about how much better the future will be without her.

 

Any more words of advice you (or anyone) can offer after knowing this? It feels great to come back here a couple times a day and see people willing to help me out with an issue that plagues my mind ALL day. Thanks.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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BI,

I'm getting an underlying sentiment that, if you had it your way, it is also that you'd be together -- that's not just what she would prefer, I mean. I would guess that maybe...well. Is it a possibility that you just can't (yet) get yourself to admit that you also want what she wants, about you two being together?

 

I still think strict N/C is the way to go, right now. You've got stuff that you need to work out and figure out. That's much easier to do when you're not also having fun, passionate, sex-filled weekends with her.

 

It's not as black-or-white as you're making it out to be. For example, you could do N/C for 6 months, take another 6 months to reconnect on a platonic level, then do a 1-year LDR. (Or some other time-frames...but it's not just "2-year LDR or bust.")

 

I've just never expressed interest in going that route because I need to heal from what she did to me and move on in life.

Well...that's BS, isn't it? You most certainly HAVE expressed an interest...by continuing to screw her! By continuing to have fun and co-create passion with her! You'd not be doing that if you were seriously motivated to "move on" (without her close at hand.) Maybe you didn't express your interest verbally, but you sure have done it through your actions.

 

Maybe I'm just blinded by the residual love for her, because surely she can't be THE ONE, can she?

Why can't she?

And. Are you sure that is "residual love" and not residual pain, anger and disappointment?

 

I should say here that I'm not looking to change your mind about anything. If you don't want to, or can't forgive her...that is your total right and privilege to decide. But. If it's that you're willing to let stubborn pride, anger, bitterness and resentment win out over deep, genuine love...well, then I would strongly urge you to reconsider.

 

somehow the impact of what I did, doesn't connect. No matter how equally terrible I know my cheating was, I just can't bring myself to forgive her or even come to close to getting over what she did.

Have you forgiven yourself for hurting her, for lying to and cheating on her, for disappointing and betraying her?

 

Sometimes what happens. We don't want to see ourselves as a person who could do that; who could cause that kind of pain for someone else; who could abuse someone else's love for and trust in us; who could just squander their respect and admiration like that.

We don't want to be the person with no self-control or integrity; a person who, in our own mind, is not worthy of their love and trust.

 

The problem is. Until we own all of that, we can't truly forgive our Self. And until we forgive our Self, we can't forgive others for doing the exact same thing. (Which, of course, she did NOT do what you did. But your conscious and subconscious minds don't care about the facts...and that's fine.)

 

What ends up happening. It is much easier to feel all "she done me so wrong" and to fill your mind-body-heart with 'victim' thoughts and self-pity.

It's tough to sit there and feel the pain that you caused. (Not the pain that SHE caused...the pain that YOU caused.)

It's uncomfortable to have to say, "Yeah...I am that person. I can do that. I DID do that."

 

And it's the most difficult thing of all to then accept that about yourself, and forgive yourself, and realize that you are still worthy of love, trust, respect and admiration.

 

Actually. It takes just about...er, two years :) So you see how well the Universe and TrueLove are working with you, on this? As it happens, you have the *perfect* amount of time to do the healing work that you need to do BEFORE you can ever get around to forgiving her.

 

Now...get to it!!! Don't make me come after you cos, believe me, I ain't so sweet in person :D

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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Damn Ronni, another great post & what sound advice.

Thanks for your kind words, Limbo :love:

Sending hugs and good stuff.

Hersheys Established Member

Hersheys

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I say go strict NC to give yourself some breathing room without her in your life. Maybe this NC right now is the one that will truly help you move on. Give it a little time to forgive her and yourself for all the wrongs committed to each other. It's not easy to forgive, so in the meantime, put it at the back of your mind. Maybe true forgiveness will come when you have figured things out and your mind much clearer and together.

 

Putting YOUR life together should be your priority right now. Make it clear to her that you two need some time away from each other. If she does not accept, it's up to you what you want to do - continue dragging the relationship OR start preparing for something new in your life (work). When you start your career after college you will see that it will open up a lot of possibilities for you, new things to think and be excited about.

 

Good luck on your NC and I hope it works out for the best!

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Bleed Internal Established Member

Bleed Internal

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I say go strict NC to give yourself some breathing room without her in your life. Maybe this NC right now is the one that will truly help you move on. Give it a little time to forgive her and yourself for all the wrongs committed to each other. It's not easy to forgive, so in the meantime, put it at the back of your mind. Maybe true forgiveness will come when you have figured things out and your mind much clearer and together.

 

Putting YOUR life together should be your priority right now. Make it clear to her that you two need some time away from each other. If she does not accept, it's up to you what you want to do - continue dragging the relationship OR start preparing for something new in your life (work). When you start your career after college you will see that it will open up a lot of possibilities for you, new things to think and be excited about.

 

Good luck on your NC and I hope it works out for the best!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I've been trying to go NC for 6 months and always wound up breaking and giving in to her.

 

In retrospect, the relapses were worth it because it took 6 months for me to get the full truth out of her (how many times they had sex, exactly what they did, etc). I knew certain details from talking to the other guy (he was shocked that she was still having sex with me and felt cheated on himself) yet she's been denying most of them since July up until last week.

 

The fact that she can lie for so long after hurting me that badly is what makes me think NC will really work this time. I've had enough. I love her very much, despite all the damage she's done to me, but it's not healthy anymore and once I move past this so many more people and opportunities will come into my life. My life in the city I'm moving to after college is set up to be one of the best experiences of my life. It's my favorite city in the world, great friends already there, dream job, even girls I've had flings with in the past to accompany the city's famously beautiful female population. It's hard to be on the same campus now, but I think I'm ready to do NC for real, close out the semester, and get going on what's sure to be a great life without her.

 

My problem is, there's something always nagging at me think I'll never find a girl like her. She's the most beautiful, amazing, woman I know and I know she really, really loves me. But to have someone who you think is practically perfect and know they stepped out on you is the worst feeling in the world. I can't handle it and if we tried to get into a relationship again, her cheating would ALWAYS be a problem with me. I'm 100% positive I'll NEVER forgive her under any circumstances. There's no choice but to let her go.

 

She texted me today. She's clearly upset and not ready to move on, but I can't play this game anymore. The old me would ignore the text today, feel falsely confident about it, and wind up in bed with her a few days later. I can't do that this time. Thanks for the support everyone. I'll be trying to maintain NC the best I can.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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But to have someone who you think is practically perfect and know they stepped out on you

BI,

I get that you have to free yourself from this whole mess...that is obvious.

 

What I don't get is...you seem intelligent and all, so I don't get your decision to believe in something that didn't actually happen; to take on for one of your life experiences that you got cheated on by her...when she didn't actually do that to you.

 

You have the absolute power, right and privilege to do it...but do you really want to do it? Have you asked yourself what is making it easier for you to believe your made-up version of events?

 

Of course not that you need to answer here. It just is curious to me, coming from a seemingly otherwise intelligent and rational human being. Know what I mean?

 

In any case, good luck with N/C. It kinda does sound like you're ready to make it work this time.

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Bleed Internal Established Member

Bleed Internal

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BI,

I get that you have to free yourself from this whole mess...that is obvious.

 

What I don't get is...you seem intelligent and all, so I don't get your decision to believe in something that didn't actually happen; to take on for one of your life experiences that you got cheated on by her...when she didn't actually do that to you.

 

You have the absolute power, right and privilege to do it...but do you really want to do it? Have you asked yourself what is making it easier for you to believe your made-up version of events?

 

Of course not that you need to answer here. It just is curious to me, coming from a seemingly otherwise intelligent and rational human being. Know what I mean?

 

In any case, good luck with N/C. It kinda does sound like you're ready to make it work this time.

What do you mean she didn't actually do that to me? Yeah, she totally did. I was talking to her everyday. We were always saying "I love you." I asked if anything was going on. She visited me. She was parading around as if in love with me while having sex with someone behind my back and lying about it. You seem like an intelligent and rational person and to not understand how this is cheating is something I don't get either.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

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What do you mean she didn't actually do that to me?

Sorry - I must have misunderstood something from your earlier post, or we have different interpretations and expectations around being "technically on a break". Like that series of episodes on 'Friends', between Ross & Rachel, I guess.

 

In any case, good luck with N/C.

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