greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I am new and Googled to find a relationship website. I hope someone can help me. About 15 years ago I became friends with this one guy. Long story short we lost touch and reconnected after 10 years apart. During that time I realized I have feelings for him and he claimed he felt the same way. He kept mentioning how he wanted to spoil me. Sounds great, right? Actually it makes me feel lousy. Right away when we saw each other (after having spoken for hours on the phone) the sparks were there. Really strong. He kissed me right away and I was happy. Everything was great until we went to dinner. He had a fight with his mother who's pressuring him to marry (he's 42). He started saying he wanted to be friends for now, had no intention of getting married, etc. Ok, I can deal with that. However, an hour later we went back to my house and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We proceeded to make out (no further though). We then spent all night just chatting. Like I said we were already friends so it wasn't like we were strangers. He even mentioned he can't wait to meet my friends and relatives and was talking about future plans. Fast forward to tonight. I had asked him to come over. He started claiming I told him I wanted to get pregnant. He then repeated that he just wanted to be friends, that he never wanted to marry, etc. I never said I wanted to get married or have kids now, but said they were a possibility in the future. He started saying I was rushing him, but I never did anything to rush him. I know his previous relationship was a situation where he met someone online and they turned out to be a gold digger. I just don't know what to do. I really like him (we have so much in common from interests to views) and feel he's the one, but he's acting weird. I'm not rushing him. Neither of us are new at this. I am 39 and he's 42.
Itzo Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I am new and Googled to find a relationship website. I hope someone can help me. About 15 years ago I became friends with this one guy. Long story short we lost touch and reconnected after 10 years apart. During that time I realized I have feelings for him and he claimed he felt the same way. He kept mentioning how he wanted to spoil me. Sounds great, right? Actually it makes me feel lousy. Right away when we saw each other (after having spoken for hours on the phone) the sparks were there. Really strong. He kissed me right away and I was happy. Everything was great until we went to dinner. He had a fight with his mother who's pressuring him to marry (he's 42). He started saying he wanted to be friends for now, had no intention of getting married, etc. Ok, I can deal with that. However, an hour later we went back to my house and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We proceeded to make out (no further though). We then spent all night just chatting. Like I said we were already friends so it wasn't like we were strangers. He even mentioned he can't wait to meet my friends and relatives and was talking about future plans. Fast forward to tonight. I had asked him to come over. He started claiming I told him I wanted to get pregnant. He then repeated that he just wanted to be friends, that he never wanted to marry, etc. I never said I wanted to get married or have kids now, but said they were a possibility in the future. He started saying I was rushing him, but I never did anything to rush him. I know his previous relationship was a situation where he met someone online and they turned out to be a gold digger. I just don't know what to do. I really like him (we have so much in common from interests to views) and feel he's the one, but he's acting weird. I'm not rushing him. Neither of us are new at this. I am 39 and he's 42. Thanks for sharing ... hmmmm, if a man says ... you are pushin' or rushin' me it is not a good signal. He might lose interest very quickly, because of that ... if he's not already. Give him some time you know, like GIVE HIM SPACE. This sh*tSHOW with his mother went overboard ... you can do 2 things 1. Try to support him from distance ... 2. Men get interested in something they CANNOT have, so you may act (at your own risk) distant ... he'll get lonely and will begin to look for you again, do you know what I am sayin.' Don't be like ... ok I am here, if you need me, call me ... just pretent that you have ANOTHER MEN in your life ... MAKE HIM to be jealous, you know .. that works in most cases. Whatever I am sayin' to you, does not guarantee you anything, but you may try ... but do not be TOO ATTACHED TO him right now. You may try again later. How long ... I do not know ... just use your gut instinct. Clear all thoughts from your mind.
meerkat stew Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 He sounds very immature for his age, sending you all these mixed signals. One near universal truth, though, when they say they need space, give them a galaxy worth of it, as in disappear into a black hole. If they realize what they have lost, they may lose the wishy-washiness. If they don't, you can do better.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I would definitely stay away from this man. He changes his mind too much and accused you of things that aren't true. How can you tolerate that? The mama drama is reason enough to stay away. I'm confused about their fight -was she at dinner with the two of you? At 39, if you want children, you don't have time to spend with a man who appears to be opposed to both marriage and children.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Thanks for the advice. No, his mother didn't go on the date, but he spoke to her before he came by. I am taking my time but feel he's the one. As sad as this sounds, I know my choices are limited at 39 and have to take whatever I can get. I don't want a guy with kids or previously married and at my age never married no kids guys are extremely hard to find. I am decent looking (former model) but I'm no longer 25. I know I should ditch him, but at the same time when he's acting normal I enjoy him. This is partly why I am conflicted. I'm not overdoing anything (in previous relationships I bought guys things to keep them and it didn't work) and am taking my time but even that scares him.
meerkat stew Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Quality men with no children in your age range who won't send mixed signals are out there. I'm one. Please don't resign yourself that you have to take whatever you can get just because of your life situation. You may have to look harder, but fact is, most people have to look harder than ever these days to find quality. You are no worse off than any of us
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Thanks for the advice. No, his mother didn't go on the date, but he spoke to her before he came by. I am taking my time but feel he's the one. As sad as this sounds, I know my choices are limited at 39 and have to take whatever I can get. I don't want a guy with kids or previously married and at my age never married no kids guys are extremely hard to find. I am decent looking (former model) but I'm no longer 25. I know I should ditch him, but at the same time when he's acting normal I enjoy him. This is partly why I am conflicted. I'm not overdoing anything (in previous relationships I bought guys things to keep them and it didn't work) and am taking my time but even that scares him. I disagree that your choices are limited. 39 is still young and model looks ? - you're in a better positin than many women. Of course, eliminating divorced men will limit your choices. Do you differentiate between men who were married and men who lived with/dated a woman long term? Some women view a man who was married as preferable because it is evidence that he is willing/capable of making that kind of commitment; whereas, with a never married man of 40 or older, the concern is he will never marry. If you haven't, you may want to consider younger men as I think they are more likely to want children versus men your age and older. I'm sure you know that buying men gifts to keep them isn't healthy. You need to make sure your self-esteem and self-respect are what they should be before getting involved with a man.
Author greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Well, I've lived with a guy so that doesn't bother me. The divorced issue is mostly for religious reasons. No, I don't buy gifts anymore.
randall Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) I don't want a guy with kids or previously married... By age 40 about 85% of men have been married at least once. By ruling out previously married men you are severely limiting you choices. In particular, a good proportion of the 15% or so of men who have never been married by this age are probably the less 'desirable' men. ie, They have never been married for a reason. I disagree with a previous poster who thinks you are in a better position than many women. At age 39 a 'never previously married' filter is going to greatly restrict your options. Edited January 31, 2010 by randall
Author greatgirlfriend Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Most of the never been married people I know are single because of work issues. I'm partly single because I never wanted to get married earlier, and that's probably the same with many of those other guys. I can't date a divorced guy due to religious reasons.
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