shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 This is a bit of a touchy issue, and I could really use some advice. My boyfriend has long hair, a bit past his shoulders. I'm not crazy about long hair on guys but it hasn't bothered me before since I love him. Even before we started dating I thought he was adorable and didn't mind the hair. Now it's starting to bug me because he's basically indicated that he plans on never cutting it unless he goes bald or lands an amazing job that requires it. He said the youngest he ever would is 35. Since he's only 22 (just turned this week), I thought it was a passing phase or whatever. A lot of young, musical/creative guys have long hair. But I seriously don't know if I could be with a guy who has really long hair way into adulthood. Over a certain age it would become a huge turn off to me. It probably wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it would really bother me. I know it's superficial but to me it looks juvenile and dirty on an older guy. I view it as the equivalent of a man dressing as a ratty teenager for life. This all came up because about a week ago he mentioned to me that he sometimes toys with the idea of cutting his hair and asked me if I'd like that. At the time I didn't want to offend him so I said, "whatever you want." I thought about it and brought it up again last night and said tactfully to him that if he wanted to cut his hair, I might find it cute. Immediately I could tell he was torn. He moaned and groaned and finally said he couldn't do it, that he was too attached to his hair. He said that it's been long since he was ten, and he had to endure teasing as a kid for his hair, so it's sort of a matter of pride or something. He said he might consider cutting it over the summer, but he wasn't sure. I dropped the issue as he clearly doesn't want to cut it. It seems to be a major part of his identity. But before I dropped it I told him that while I can't tell him to do something he doesn't want to, I need him to know that he never ever cut it that would bother me. I know it seems silly, but I can't deny how I feel. Any advice?
alphamale Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Any advice? its not a big deal as you could cut his hair while hes asleep
Arizonaheart Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I am interested in seeing the feedback you receive on this one. My SO also has very long hair. I have always been drawn to the clean cut white collared men, he is a long haired Harley man & yes a hard worker too. It is not as big of an issue as I thought it might be because of the qualities he offers that I have never experienced in the "clean cut" type. I do have to admit though- recently we went out and he left his hair down as opposed to the pony tail he usually has, that was a wee bit of a turn off...I have long hair but his is longer (mid back). Hopefully you didn't miss the chance when he did ask initially. I don't think I would push the issue though. Just my 2 cents.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 its not a big deal as you could cut his hair while hes asleep Wouldn't that make me like Delilah? I wonder if he'd lose all his strength without his hair.
sally4sara Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I'm not crazy about long hair on guys but it hasn't bothered me before since I love him. Even before we started dating I thought he was adorable and didn't mind the hair. to me it looks juvenile and dirty on an older guy. Any advice? Do you have long hair? Does it look juvenile and dirty on you now? Will it look juvenile and dirty on you when you are older? Will you chop off all your hair once you are older to avoid the look of long hair on an older person? my advice is you don't love him - at least yet.
Boundary Problem Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 dealbreaker short hair is way better on guys (imo)
threebyfate Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 shadow, let's pretend that he doesn't like the way you dress and insists that you wear dresses since it's more feminine. How would you respond?
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Do you have long hair? Does it look juvenile and dirty on you now? Will it look juvenile and dirty on you when you are older? Will you chop off all your hair once you are older to avoid the look of long hair on an older person? my advice is you don't love him - at least yet. Yeah, and I'm a woman. That's different. I do love him.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 shadow, let's pretend that he doesn't like the way you dress and insists that you wear dresses since it's more feminine. How would you respond? It's funny you mention this because he actually has. He didn't insist but he's told me several times that he'd like it if I started wearing skirts (which I never do), and I told him I would for him once it gets warm out.
threebyfate Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 It's funny you mention this because he actually has. He didn't insist but he's told me several times that he'd like it if I started wearing skirts (which I never do), and I told him I would for him once it gets warm out.Then use this as your counter-argument. But I will recommend that making superficial issues about hair and clothing, a sticking point between the two of you, isn't a wise idea. I'll also add that you know that trying to change someone, who doesn't want to change, can cause resentment. Anyone can ask for anything but it's up to the individual, whether they want to change or not. And if they won't change, it's up to you to decide to put up with it or not. Does short v. long hair really matter, right now? When he gets out of school and goes job hunting, it's very possible that he will change it on his own. I would just leave things as they are right now, since it's too soon to be concerned about this.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 or, you can use reverse psych on him. maybe he is so Pro his long hair is because he know people have issues with it.... which is all the more reason to have it long. so change you tune... tell him he is right, it's great! you love his locks and all that jazz. maybe it will even cause you to like it!
make me believe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 My boyfriend also has long hair, and I was never attracted to guys with long hair before but I've grown to LOVE his! It's thick and healthy and mmmm... one of my favorite things to do is brush his hair for him. It's so intimate & I just love it! Oh, and he is 31. He works in a fairly professional position (not doctor/lawyer professional, but he's not a construction worker or anything), and generally keeps his hair tied back in a neat ponytail. I've seen pictures of him with short hair and he looks SO sexy, but I've grown pretty attached to his long hair in the few months I've known him. Guys with long hair usually consider it to be their "thing" and they are attached to it. If you convinced your bf to cut it, he would likely resent you for it. You mention that long hair seems juvenile and dirty on an adult. Is your bf's hair stringy/greasy/otherwise unkempt? If it's nice & healthy like my bf's, I'm inclined to think that it'll grow on you with time. In the beginning I was fairly neutral about my bf's hair, and sometimes wished he would cut it. But now it's one of my favorite things about him.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 ...way into adulthood. Over a certain age it would become a huge turn off to me. YOU are already way into adulthood. You realize that, right? I need him to know that he never ever cut it that would bother me. In other words, you want/expect him to change for you. That's not love, Shadow.
Enema Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 From your OP, he doesn't really sound all that locked into his hair as you make out. I reckon he'll cut it well before 35.
Johnny M Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Wouldn't that make me like Delilah? I wonder if he'd lose all his strength without his hair. What strength? He's a hippie musician
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 What strength? He's a hippie musician lol. he's about as far from a hippie as it gets.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 YOU are already way into adulthood. You realize that, right? In other words, you want/expect him to change for you. That's not love, Shadow. What does my age have to do with it? I'm talking about his age.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 My boyfriend also has long hair, and I was never attracted to guys with long hair before but I've grown to LOVE his! It's thick and healthy and mmmm... one of my favorite things to do is brush his hair for him. It's so intimate & I just love it! Oh, and he is 31. He works in a fairly professional position (not doctor/lawyer professional, but he's not a construction worker or anything), and generally keeps his hair tied back in a neat ponytail. I've seen pictures of him with short hair and he looks SO sexy, but I've grown pretty attached to his long hair in the few months I've known him. Guys with long hair usually consider it to be their "thing" and they are attached to it. If you convinced your bf to cut it, he would likely resent you for it. You mention that long hair seems juvenile and dirty on an adult. Is your bf's hair stringy/greasy/otherwise unkempt? If it's nice & healthy like my bf's, I'm inclined to think that it'll grow on you with time. In the beginning I was fairly neutral about my bf's hair, and sometimes wished he would cut it. But now it's one of my favorite things about him. Lol, that's cute. I hope I grow to love it too.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 In other words, you want/expect him to change for you. That's not love, Shadow. Yes, I love him AND I'd like for him to change this one thing at some point in the future. (Maybe I'll change my mind and grow to like it, who knows._ I've already agreed to change my wardrobe for him, so I don't see it as a big deal.
alphamale Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Wouldn't that make me like Delilah? I wonder if he'd lose all his strength without his hair. well he may have some erectile problems for a month or two but besides that there should be no more ill effects
Satisfaction Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 What's wrong with his hair though? Is it greasy and lanky or does it not suit him? What if he put highlights in in it and styled it in a manly but nice style. If his hair looks like Russell Brand then you can always swap his combs for those hair cutting ones with razors in the teeth
Johnny M Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 lol. he's about as far from a hippie as it gets. Only hippies wear long hair...
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Yes, I love him AND I'd like for him to change this one thing at some point in the future. (Maybe I'll change my mind and grow to like it, who knows._ I've already agreed to change my wardrobe for him, so I don't see it as a big deal. So it's clear: You're wanting him to change for you, and you're changing for him. Again, that's not love, Shadow. Loving someone is accepting them for who they are, right now, in the present, flaws and all...NOT expecting or wanting them to change.
TheLoneSock Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Well, it would be *tragic* if you happened to slip with the buzzers one night while you were.... playing with buzzers near his head. Accidents happen all the time. Just a little off the top. And if he complains, tell him you merely lowered his ears.
Author shadowplay Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 So it's clear: You're wanting him to change for you, and you're changing for him. Again, that's not love, Shadow. Loving someone is accepting them for who they are, right now, in the present, flaws and all...NOT expecting or wanting them to change. Frankly I'm sick of people telling me what is and isn't love. I know that we love each other. What we have is wonderful. It would be different if one of us insisted that the other change such and such. He just told me he thought it'd be hot if I wore skirts because he likes my legs, but he never stated it as a demand. I offered to buy some skirts because I like making him happy. Likewise, I never told him he had to cut his hair. I do regret the final thing I said about it bothering me if he chose to never cut it, but otherwise I haven't shared any of this with him. I don't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. I know he'd cut his hair for me in a heart beat if I ever told him he "had" to but I would never put him in such a position.
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