jb89 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi, I recently got the dreaded "I need some space" line from my girlfriend of around 6 months. We had been talking on and off for about a year prior to actually dating. She told me that everything had been perfect, and she was in love with me. She said she could never imagine herself with anyone else. I posed the question several weeks ago that we had undergone breaks, but what if we hadn't gotten back together? She told me that she did not know what she would have done, and that she'd die for me. I had one rough weekend, and I was admittedly being very annoying with texting, etc, when she was with her friends for the entire day, and I'd get frustrated that she wasn't keeping contact really. She lives 7 hours from me, and when I see her, it's usually for a week or so at a time. However, this past winter break, I was with her for a week, I came home for a week, then I went back to stay with her for new years eve, and stayed around a week that time. She told me that she needed some space. Naturally, I immediately told her how badly I needed her, and to please rethink the situation. She said that she didn't want a relationship right now, because it felt like she was in a relationship prison, and she just wanted to be able to do what she wanted to do, without having to answer to anyone. She deleted all of the pictures of us off of her facebook, and when I asked about why she was doing it, she said because seeing it would make her miss me. I wrote a very deep letter concerning the matter, saying what I was willing to do to fix things, recognizing my faults, and also stating that I was aware of what needed to be done to fix them. I called her two 1/2 days after the breakup and read this to her (I had not contacted her in the meantime, although she did send me a text she deemed as harmless in that time). I read her the letter, and she didn't have much of a reaction. I called her back an hour later and told her as straightforward as possible, I need to know right now, am I being strung along? Why would you delete the pictures of us if you're just taking a break like you say? She told me that she loves me, and is not stringing me along. I questioned whether or not she even understood the deepness of the letter, and she said that she had been thinking about it since we got off the phone. She told me she just needed space, and was going to hang up. So I said bye. That was two days ago, and yesterday I made the decision that I was going to text her and agree with her, that the break was for the best, and to take care. She promptly replied, saying that it seemed like I sounded that I was done for good, and said 'correct me if i'm wrong.' I didn't reply immediately, and within 10 minutes, I got another text saying "Thanks for clarifying." I told her that I didn't say that, but that I just think it's for the best. She asked me why I made this decision, and I told her I was busy and could not talk, and she said "Okay." She recently moved, and is making new friends, and is ALWAYS busy hanging out with them, and is able to occupy herself, seemingly to the point where she's making herself get over me. What else can I do, besides ignore her? I figured I'd get the upperhand in agreeing that this is for the best, but I don't know what else to do. Since she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship, she makes it a point to update her status on facebook saying how happy she is, and how that day is going so great. Today, I did something I shouldn't have, and I compulsively looked at her facebook, and saw that she had left a photo comment saying "Damn." on a guy's page I had suspected she had a thing for, even when we were dating. She had assured me that they were just friends, and she even told me when we broke up that there was no one else, and that wasn't the reason for everything. When she first made the decision to break things off, she told me she did not want to be in a relationship because she wasn't happy. Then it changed to her saying that she just needed some space. What should I do? I'm trying my best with no-contact but at this point I need assurance that it will have some effect. I'm not sure if me giving her the space she's asking for is going to have any effect, as she already seems to be into this guy she is apparently attracted to. I sat with my phone in my hand for a good hour when I read that, debating on whether or not to call her and tell her bluntly that if she really loved me like she said she does, she wouldn't be doing this to me, and that it's really unfair to me. Instead, I am trying my best with the no contact rule. Someone please help me and give me any advice.
USMCHokie Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 What should I do? I'm trying my best with no-contact but at this point I need assurance that it will have some effect. I'm not sure if me giving her the space she's asking for is going to have any effect, as she already seems to be into this guy she is apparently attracted to. I sat with my phone in my hand for a good hour when I read that, debating on whether or not to call her and tell her bluntly that if she really loved me like she said she does, she wouldn't be doing this to me, and that it's really unfair to me. Instead, I am trying my best with the no contact rule. Someone please help me and give me any advice. You don't do NC to have an effect on others. You do it for yourself. Until you realize that, NC will do nothing to help you get over this and move on. But the good ol' 6 month mark. I'll let others elaborate, but you need to forget about her and move on. She probably found a new guy, and she's too much of a chickensh*t to be honest with you.
Author jb89 Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, I figure that by not contacting her, she will eventually wonder what I'm up to, and attempt to contact me. It's only been around 6 months that we've been actually dating, but we had been "talking" on and off for almost 2 years now. I can't help but question what her response would be to the question "Why do you need space? What do you need space from?" Obviously I've messed up by alienating her to a certain extent, and I know she wants to be with her friends, but in a long distance relationship, communication is key. I don't want to make any assumptions about her getting past me, but can I believe her when she says "I love you, and I am not stringing you along?" This is the hardest thing I've ever had to handle.
USMCHokie Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, I figure that by not contacting her, she will eventually wonder what I'm up to, and attempt to contact me. When you exercise NC, you must assume and accept that she won't ever contact you again. Until you accept that, I don't feel that NC has truly started... Who knows, she may contact you a few weeks/months/years from now, but in the present moment, it's not your concern. As each day and week and month passes by, you'll think about it less and less, until you reach the point where you don't want her to contact you. Either you've found something ten times better, or through a period of reflection, you've realized that she really wasn't all that you thought she was... I can't help but question what her response would be to the question "Why do you need space? What do you need space from?" Her answer to this would be irrelevant. The bottom line is she doesn't want to be with you right now. You want someone who wouldn't give up on you. Obviously I've messed up by alienating her to a certain extent, and I know she wants to be with her friends, but in a long distance relationship, communication is key. Yes, communication is absolutely vital in a LDR. But you have no LDR. Hence, no need for communication. I don't want to make any assumptions about her getting past me, but can I believe her when she says "I love you, and I am not stringing you along?" This is the hardest thing I've ever had to handle. I know this is tough...you want to believe that your ex isn't like all the other women who use the time and space line...you want to believe that you were the exception...that your love was special... But you know what, maybe you're right...maybe your story is the one movies are made from...but don't let that cloud your mind and heart...don't let it affect your life...live in the present and enjoy what you DO have...
Author jb89 Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 What you're saying is making a lot of sense. It's just very very hard to accept. Also, before we started officially "dating" I met her and stayed there for one week. When I left, I was expecting her to continue caring for me, and start dating me. She turned me down and I was devastated. The following couple months, we'd talk on and off. Then, she came back to me and started talking to me again. She broke up with her boyfriend because she told me that no one would ever compare to me. She dated him for 4 months. We've discussed these things as recently as 2 1/2 weeks ago when I was with her, and she told me that if we had never undergone that break, that we wouldn't be as strong as we are now. Well, as strong as we were a few weeks ago. I just know what I had been doing that was so annoying to her, and I know how I can fix it, and I want so badly to find a way to show that to her. Basically, the biggest thing I'm counting on, is that this break will serve us strength somewhere down the line. It's very hard reading some peoples' stories about how it's just code for "Yeah I don't like you anymore" etc
carhill Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 When she gets tired of the other guy, her need for 'space' will diminish. I would sincerely suggest not being around when she grabs firmly onto your branch again. can I believe her when she says "I love you, and I am not stringing you along?" You need merely look at her actions to see the answer to that question.
Catseye8 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Basically, the biggest thing I'm counting on, is that this break will serve us strength somewhere down the line. It's very hard reading some peoples' stories about how it's just code for "Yeah I don't like you anymore" etc It might be code for that. It might not be. Sometimes people do get back together after breaks and the relationship is stronger for it. That's a possibility. But there's nothing you can do, right now, to make it more or less of a possibility, or to predict the future. You've said your piece to her; going NC now to focus on you and your healing is the best thing you can do. Also: Facebook is poison in these situations. Resist the temptation to look at hers.
Author jb89 Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Tonight I made the decision to delete her and all of her friends from facebook. It will help me resist temptation to look at what she's doing, as well as help me to not constantly wonder who's she's hanging out with. My friends have really helped me see the evil in what she's doing to me. She has done something similar before, when she was afraid to get into a relationship with me, she tried her best to do all sorts of things she knew would piss me off, so she did them, and made it a point to make sure I knew. In due time, she ended up coming back to me, to admit what she had done and why. I'm going to now do my best to start trying to get over her, and keep the things she's doing in the back of my mind, when I start wishing I had her back.
Author jb89 Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Ok, update, since I deleted her, she doesn't know I can still see her twitter or anything, but she still seems to be happy, laughing, making jokes, etc. Maybe she just actually does need time to come around?
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