BS - What would you do?

[overmyhead]

I posted this a week or so on the other woman forum. I'm hoping to hear how a wife would react in this situation. I'm troubled by the mess I've created and trying to work through it.

 

I had an affair. We were both married. I became pregnant, had a baby. My husband had a paternity test done and its the other mans child. The other man suspects it, but we had a DDAY and he quickly ended things with me to save his marriage. He told his wife the possibility of the child being his, together they decided that they did not wish to find out the paternity results unless I forced the issue. So basically, they are trying to sweep it under the rug. He says he will take responsibility if i were to tell him the baby was his, but that his wife would also "force" him to have visitation. I've chosen to keep my mouth shut unless he comes to me and asks for the results.

 

I just would like some insight as to how the betrayed wife feels in this situation. I'm not trying to be mean, hateful or anything here. I really have no clue as to how she is feeling.

 

I am genuinely sorry for the hurt I've caused her. I regret it, I obviously had no clue what I was doing. I wish I could take it all back but I cant.

 

So. Are there any betrayed wives who might could give some insight as to how they would react in a situation like this? What might be going through her mind? Could they really just pretend this isnt there and live the rest of their lives not knowing?

 

Thanks for the input.

[JAGeezer]

Actions have consequences. If I recall correctly your H left you over this. That's perfectly understandable from a marital ethics POV. It was his right to do so. Your AP went NC to try and save his M. Also understandable.

 

However marital ethics are an entirely separate issue from taking responsibility for the child that he helped to create. Remove the A from the equation, and the man is just another deadbeat father who's trying to avoid doing his job. Lawyer up, and contact the authorities. If you stbXH isn't willing to take on the responsibility (I wouldn't in his shoes, and I assume that his name isn't on the birth certificate...if it is he needs to have it removed, pronto.) then somebody has to ante up. In this case the man responsible for the child's existence.

 

You may owe your XAP's BW for your part in trashing her marriage, but your child doesn't owe her squat. Your child is an innocent in this. You and your xAP owe that child that best life that you can give him of her. You have a duty to make sure that the bum pays up, in full. His feelings, his BW's feelings, and your feelings are entirely secondary to that issue. The child comes first.

 

JAG

[overmyhead]

Thank you for your input. I value your reponse, and that is the question that i asked on the other woman board. I will do whatever necessary to care for my child. I guess I'm searching for answers as to the best way to move forward emotionally for all parties involved.

 

Here I'm looking for input from a betrayed spouse perspective. Should I talk to her, would she rather I bring out the truth, etc. I know how I feel, how my H feels, how the other man feels, I'm just wondering what goes through the mind of a betrayed wife in a situation like this.

 

i have the gut feeling that theres no way that this could be kept a secret forever. and as someone pointed out on the other board I dont want to do anything that would make my child resent me as they grow older. so as i come to my decision i'm trying to consider the opinions of everyone involved. since i feel i cannot ask his wife directly, i am asking it here.

Edited January 24, 2010 by overmyhead

[HeartbrokenK]

I'm sorry, what I wrote here was inappropriate and I don't want to get in trouble.

 

Please, please just make sure you do what is in that child's best interest. I would recommend keeping it away from the stepmother. If I were in her place, I wouldn't have the self-control to rise above and I'm afraid their would be consequences for your child. Please be careful.

Edited January 24, 2010 by HeartbrokenK

[FryFish]

How she feels is really none of your business.

[overmyhead]

Heartbroken I did read your response before you changed it and honestly thats why I want to know. I'm afraid of something like that. It does scare me to hear that she might think that way and say or do those things to my child.

 

And fishfry i sort of think it is my business how she thinks and feels when considering the well-being of my child.

[FryFish]

Ok... Im not a mind reader but this IS what she thinks.

 

She HATES you. She resents her crappy husband. She very likely will RESENT the kid.

[HeartbrokenK]

overmyhead, i was afraid my original post came off a little too brash, I just didn't want to overstep the lines. I didn't mean violence, I just meant that she might play head games with your child.

 

Let me put it this way, when I found out about the A, it ripped me apart. There are parts of me that used to be so trusting and people-loving, those parts are gone. I don't trust anyone, I've become very cynical and vindictive. It has hardened me a lot.

 

You did that to her. Maybe even worse, it sounds like their marriage was longer than mine is. You caused her the worst pain she has probably felt in her entire life, and ripped her world apart. She has no reason to show you or your child any kind of respect, and I'm guessing her H has been humbled to a point now that he wouldn't have the balls to stop any bad behavior on her part until it's too late. There is a part of me that really wants to hurt the OW in my case. Not physically or stalker kinds of things, but find the perfect combination of words to say that will break her spirit the way she did mine. Having a child around is an opportunity for her if she's like me, no child should be an opportunity.

[JAGeezer]

Thank you for your input. I value your reponse, and that is the question that i asked on the other woman board. I will do whatever necessary to care for my child. I guess I'm searching for answers as to the best way to move forward emotionally for all parties involved.

 

Here I'm looking for input from a betrayed spouse perspective. Should I talk to her, would she rather I bring out the truth, etc. I know how I feel, how my H feels, how the other man feels, I'm just wondering what goes through the mind of a betrayed wife in a situation like this.

 

i have the gut feeling that theres no way that this could be kept a secret forever. and as someone pointed out on the other board I dont want to do anything that would make my child resent me as they grow older. so as i come to my decision i'm trying to consider the opinions of everyone involved. since i feel i cannot ask his wife directly, i am asking it here.

 

 

I appreciate that OMH, I do, but I am a BS. Twenty-five years past, but I still have the necessary perspective. I adopted both of the kids that my late-WW had before we married, and I love them both as my own, to this day. And my 2nd W and I are currently collateral damage to a similar situation in my current W's family, though that one that took longer to develop and is a good deal messier.

 

One thing to remember, if the bozo doesn't want visitation it's his prerogative, though he may change his mind later. And visitation doesn't need to go hand in hand with child-support.

 

JAG

[overmyhead]

Thank you everyone. Oh my gosh though, I wasnt even thinking of the possibility of her harboring resentment for my child or anything of the sort. It is definitely something to think about! I know if I was in her shoes I might have a hard time not being rude or irritable or yes, even resentful of another womans baby. I think it might just be a natural reaction. Sort of an uncontrollable feeling with a constant reminder of the affair. I will consider this.

 

I'm also wondering if maybe keeping this a secret might be making it worse for her/him/them. is it in the back of their minds. would it be easier for everyone if it was brought to light? would it be better if they didnt have to deal with it?

 

Jag. Thanks for the perspective. He has said that if the child were known to be his that she would "force" him to have visitation. I have a hard time thinking this would be a decision made simply to force him to do the right thing, i think there might be other motives. And so, I'm hesitant to seek support because of this.

[Jeff1962]

I posted this a week or so on the other woman forum. I'm hoping to hear how a wife would react in this situation. I'm troubled by the mess I've created and trying to work through it.

 

I had an affair. We were both married. I became pregnant, had a baby. My husband had a paternity test done and its the other mans child. The other man suspects it, but we had a DDAY and he quickly ended things with me to save his marriage. He told his wife the possibility of the child being his, together they decided that they did not wish to find out the paternity results unless I forced the issue. So basically, they are trying to sweep it under the rug. He says he will take responsibility if i were to tell him the baby was his, but that his wife would also "force" him to have visitation. I've chosen to keep my mouth shut unless he comes to me and asks for the results.

 

I just would like some insight as to how the betrayed wife feels in this situation. I'm not trying to be mean, hateful or anything here. I really have no clue as to how she is feeling.

 

I am genuinely sorry for the hurt I've caused her. I regret it, I obviously had no clue what I was doing. I wish I could take it all back but I cant.

 

So. Are there any betrayed wives who might could give some insight as to how they would react in a situation like this? What might be going through her mind? Could they really just pretend this isnt there and live the rest of their lives not knowing?

 

Thanks for the input.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here but if you want to know how you have hurt the OW because of this affair. Why don't you ask your husband how he feels about your affair and being pregnant with another man's baby. This should get you pretty close.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I'm not trying to be mean here but if you want to know how you have hurt the OW because of this affair. Why don't you ask your husband how he feels about your affair and being pregnant with another man's baby. This should get you pretty close.

 

Same thing I was thinking...

 

I wouldn't doubt she will hold resentment towards your child..but acting on it..c'mon. I honestly can't say what I would do if I were here I wouldn't want the child from another woman in my life...but then again I wouldn't want to force him to be a dead beat dad. Hes already a deadbeat husband...so I would be gone.

 

Shes not thinking about you right now, shes thinking about herself and her children. Something her H should've thought about a long time ago.

[In Like Flynn]

Where is the your betrayed in all this? You really haven't mentioned him!!

How long was your affair?

[Passion4Life]

I'm not trying to be mean here but if you want to know how you have hurt the OW because of this affair. Why don't you ask your husband how he feels about your affair and being pregnant with another man's baby. This should get you pretty close.

 

if she had been interested in understanding how her husband would feel , she would not have done it .

[Stung]

I find it a little odd that you are having such trouble imagining how the betrayed wife might feel. Do you usually find yourself lacking in empathy for others situations? Has putting yourself in other people's shoes, or imagining the emotional impact of your actions, always been a problem for you?

 

I have never been a BS, but I am pretty sure she is feeling terrible pain, the loss of trust and the deep sting of betrayal. She is feeling like her marriage will never be the same, her world has been torn apart and her heart has been stomped on.

 

Anybody could tell you that.

 

What nobody can tell you is how she will move next. Will she begin to obsess on the possibility of the baby being her husband's, demand the truth? Will she find it too painful to even think about, and hope it will remain swept under the rug forever? Will she divorce her cheating husband or work unimaginably hard to patch up their marriage? Who knows? Does she harbor ill-will for you, personally? Probably. You had a hand in delivering her a hell of a terrible blow.

 

I have heard of women resenting forever the fruits of their husbands indiscretions, and I have heard of women who, once they saw the innocent baby, managed to put aside their animosity. I have even heard of women who reconciled with the husband and together they sued for custody of OW's child, far-fetched though that might seem.

 

You're in a difficult position, but you've already committed the actions that destroyed this woman's trust and marriage, you can't gloss that over now. All you can do is move forward with what's best for your child.

[bentnotbroken]

I know hindsight is 20/20 and that we all wish we had a do-over button for somethings in my life. But someone please tell me why people don't think of these things before they enter into affairs? The affect that it would have on the families, the children. I mean now you are concerned about the BS reactions. It is just so unbelievable to me.

[tami-chan]

overmyhead, i was afraid my original post came off a little too brash, I just didn't want to overstep the lines. I didn't mean violence, I just meant that she might play head games with your child.

 

Let me put it this way, when I found out about the A, it ripped me apart. There are parts of me that used to be so trusting and people-loving, those parts are gone. I don't trust anyone, I've become very cynical and vindictive. It has hardened me a lot.

 

I understand this. I, too, was a BS...and it changed me forever...but...

 

You did that to her. Maybe even worse, it sounds like their marriage was longer than mine is. You caused her the worst pain she has probably felt in her entire life, and ripped her world apart. She has no reason to show you or your child any kind of respect, and I'm guessing her H has been humbled to a point now that he wouldn't have the balls to stop any bad behavior on her part until it's too late. There is a part of me that really wants to hurt the OW in my case. Not physically or stalker kinds of things, but find the perfect combination of words to say that will break her spirit the way she did mine. Having a child around is an opportunity for her if she's like me, no child should be an opportunity.

 

while I understand why you feel so strongly about your H's OW...your husband was a willing party in the affair and he was the one who made the vows and broke them. Your anger while understandable is misdirected.

 

OP, when push comes to shove a person's character manifests itself...your xMM is a douche. He does not want to know if the child is his because he does not want the responsibility. He is a deadbeat dad and I would not insist on him having a relationship with my child, if I were you. Do you need financial support to raise this child? then go for child support, if not, why bother? I would only want to know paternity just in case there are health issues, other than that he does not deserve to be called a "dad"...

 

Regarding the BW, she hates you and your child....don't expect less or anything from her.

 

Take care.

[RedDevil66]

Imagine if something bad happened to your child, well that is how bad the wife feels about what you and her husband did.

 

Her heart was ripped from her chest to think her H is now connected to you for life.

 

Pain is the same, it just comes in different shapes.

 

Leave the wife and her husband alone to heal. If they want to "sweep it under the rug" then that is their business. Everyone deals with serious pain in their own way

 

Can I ask, did he want you to have this child?

[wheelwright]

Ok. I think the kid needs to know his/her father. And that person needs to own up to it.

 

That's first.

 

Next you need to work out the relationships with the respective people, and whether the father is willing to own his part.

 

You have made it a joint venture now. I believe that much you owe the child.

 

Work from there. It's not about you.

[crazycatlady]

And my H wonders why I keep pushing him to have a vasectomy

 

I would be so man at H. But I would love the child. I've told H (probably the only really controlling thing I've ever done in the M) that the kids down the hall are the only kids he's to have. First the man is lousy with babies. Simply lousy. He's great with kids, but if they aren't potty trained, don't bother looking to him for help.

 

But I wouldn't show anything but love for the kid. Not the kid's fault that the parents were stupid. And I would bend over backwards to make sure that visitations etc were smoothly done and everything was done to help her raise a child.

 

CCL

[fooled once]

The only thing I would be concerned about is the child support.

 

If they don't want to know, that is their business. You cannot make them know, outside of child support, and you can't make him BE a dad.

 

I would file for c/s and that notification to them would be all they need to know that the child is his.

 

I would then file for sole custody with supervised visits. Let him fight that and then worry about visitation.

 

You can't make him take visitation, as it is a right, not an obligation and I would bet his wife has no interest in seeing this child or having this child at her house. She might -- but only to stick it to you.

 

None of us know them or know how they think. You will never be able to determine what they are thinking/feeling so put it aside and not worry about it.

 

All you need to do is be the best mom you can be to your child. Outside of that, it is out of your control.

 

Good luck.

[NoIDidn't]

FO, the OP might NOT be entitled to childsupport by the child's biological parent, depending on what state she is in.

 

If a child is born into a marriage, it doesn't matter who the biological dad is in some states, the H is financially responsible for a child born under his roof. And it is likely going to be a shock to her xH if it goes that way in their divorce as well.

 

It isn't fair to her STBXH, but in most states, that's what happens. The xMM, biological father, gets off in the case of impregnating a MW.

[scatterd]

by what you asked that would be a hurt that i fear but common sence is the

baby did nothing.I would exspect my husband to take care of his mistake

and I would not take it out on the baby.But for him I would most likely kick him to the curb I am sorry but you need to take care of your own he needs to pay.good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

I posted this a week or so on the other woman forum. I'm hoping to hear how a wife would react in this situation. I'm troubled by the mess I've created and trying to work through it.

 

I had an affair. We were both married. I became pregnant, had a baby. My husband had a paternity test done and its the other mans child. The other man suspects it, but we had a DDAY and he quickly ended things with me to save his marriage. He told his wife the possibility of the child being his, together they decided that they did not wish to find out the paternity results unless I forced the issue. So basically, they are trying to sweep it under the rug. He says he will take responsibility if i were to tell him the baby was his, but that his wife would also "force" him to have visitation. I've chosen to keep my mouth shut unless he comes to me and asks for the results.

 

I just would like some insight as to how the betrayed wife feels in this situation. I'm not trying to be mean, hateful or anything here. I really have no clue as to how she is feeling.

 

 

Maybe you should concern yourself more for what you did and are doing to your husband.

 

but then again, if you were concerned about him you wouldn't have boned someone else.

 

so instead of worrying about the OM's wife, I'll put this in the perspective of your husband....and nobody would blame him if he left you, toot sweet.

[silktricks]

From the BS point of view. Well, I can only say from MY point of view, and that changes often.

 

Saying the child "deserves" to know his father is, I believe pretty much BS . If the child was put up for adoption he/she would not know either parent, and does really not IMO automatically "deserve" anything except life.

 

Can you/your husband raise the child on your own without any financial support from the biological father. If so, then I wouldn't involve them, for a number of reasons, some selfish on either side.

 

1. Do you REALLY want to have contact with this guy for the next 18 or so years? Because you will.

2. Do you think his wife would EVER be OK with his contact with you over the next 18 or so years? I doubt it, myself, but different people are different.

3. Do you want your child partly raised by a woman who hates you? Because he/she will be, and the ex-MM's wife probably does hate you or at least what you represent - her husband's infidelity.

4. Are you staying married to YOUR husband? What does HE want?

 

No matter what, your child will have some difficulties in the future, but it would probably be easier if he/she could find out the difficulties of her paternity when she/he is a little older. (But be sure to inform the child at some point before they feel betrayed by the lack of knowledge.)

 

So, those are my questions for you as a person. As a BS, I would be torn. I would not want to see the constant reminder of my husband's infidelity, but on the other hand, if I truly loved my husband, I would enjoy seeing a small part of him living on in another person, even a person who didn't share my genes. (not much help, am I )