Pizzaman81 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 EDIT: Sorry title should have been "Chance" not "Change" The other day I was in the elevator going to work, and was reading the news prompt in the elevator LCD... there is a title that says "Studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage has a higher chance of divorce than those who don't" Those are the statistics... but... My thinking is the complete opposite. To me living together before marriage is crucial... because you deal with a whole new set of issues when seeing each other every day and living together. It's sort of like a trial run. What do you people think?
OnlyJake Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My thinking is the complete opposite. To me living together before marriage is crucial... because you deal with a whole new set of issues when seeing each other every day and living together. It's sort of like a trial run. What do you people think? To be perfectly honest, I think this is the exact mindset that leads to the statistic you read. My understanding is that the reason couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced is because they have a looser, more disposable view of relationships than couples who don't live together before marriage.
sumdude Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I agree with it actually. I lived with my ex wife for 5 years before we married. A year and a half after the wedding..poof.. she took off. Don't underestimate the power of expecting things to be different somehow after the wedding. When in almost every way they aren't there is an apparent letdown. Of course living together before marriage was one of a lot of factors. But I won't live together before marriage again.. probably... if I ever consider marriage again.. so ... uhh.. there ya go.
paddington bear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've heard this too. And I would be in agreement with you because it seems to make logical sense. However...many, many people I know said that after living together, marriage changed things in some subtle way (perhaps of feeling trapped, or feeling more pressure to keep the relationship together or perfect, who knows?) and most went through either a period of unrest and arguments or broke up in that year after marrying. I'm guessing that if you are a couple, but don't live together, then make the commitment of marriage, the moving in thing is part of that whole deal, you don't have anything to compare it to. Maybe if you already live together and then marry, there might be some kind of feeling of being let-down, like nothing has changed from before.
sumdude Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Maybe if you already live together and then marry, there might be some kind of feeling of being let-down, like nothing has changed from before. Getting married is pretty much the biggest decision most people will make in their lives. You expect it to be something momentous. I think that's why weddings are such big deals.
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Hmm this is all kind of news to me. Thanks for sharing from that point of view. To me I never understood the reasoning for the other side. I will have to rethink this and adjust.
alphamale Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 "Studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage has a higher chance of divorce than those who don't" its slightly higher, not significantly higher
sumdude Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 its slightly higher, not significantly higher Don't know the official stats but the people I know who come to mind. The ones who moved in after the weeding or at least after the engagement are definitely batting a higher percentage.
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 ...The ones who moved in after the weeding... I try to stay drug free with my partner...
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Those are the statistics... but... Here's more info: http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/NMP2008CohabitationReport.pdf It shows cohabitation increases/decreases by country, increases/decreases in rate of marriage, and increases/decreases in divorce rates. Enjoy! I try to stay drug free with my partner...
dreamergrl Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 My ex fiance and I learned a lot more about our compatibility by living together first.
PinkToes Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I think sometimes people move in together first because they're ambivalent about marriage or unsure about committing to that one partner. So when they do get married, that haven't necessarily resolved those issues, they're just taking the next logical step or giving in to peer pressure or whatever. People who get married without living together may be more likely to feel confident in their decision from the outset. Just my theory.
tami-chan Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I try to stay drug free with my partner... Lol.....you are a nut! Pizzaman...c'mon now, do you think your gong gong ( or ah ma?) will approve of you living together without marriage...? or you are too "westernize" to worry about that?
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Lol.....you are a nut! Pizzaman...c'mon now, do you think your gong gong ( or ah ma?) will approve of you living together without marriage...? or you are too "westernize" to worry about that? Ha! My mother encourages it actually. I know, weird huh. She's very open about somethings but strict about others. You like me cuz I'm a nut... i know it;)
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 My ex fiance and I learned a lot more about our compatibility by living together first. So it was learning about this compatibility that he became your ex?
Chicago_Guy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I read somewhere that a certain percentage of the people who are living together end up getting married because one of the partners is pressuring the other for marriage and the person being pressured goes ahead with marriage because he/she thinks it would be too much of a hassle to break up and move out. I personally wouldn't live with a girl unless I was already engaged to her, but I think that my viewpoint might be in the minority.
meerkat stew Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 There's also the possibility that people living together continue via inertia into marriage out of laziness as "the next step" hoping something will change even if they know inside that things aren't really working out. People who aren't living together may get to know each other just as well, but don't feel as much of that inertial pressure for the next step until it is likely things will work longterm.
Enema Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 My thinking is that people who don't live together before they get married are extremely conservative. It's likely they've been raised to believe that divorce is wrong and you should never do it under any circumstances. So, these people don't divorce. But, are they happy?
Author Pizzaman81 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 My thinking is that people who don't live together before they get married are extremely conservative. It's likely they've been raised to believe that divorce is wrong and you should never do it under any circumstances. So, these people don't divorce. But, are they happy? Gee you make it sound like divorce is the hip trendy thing to do, like getting a Facebook account. Maybe the real divine truth is we humans are not meant to be married. Marriage is just an invention created by humans, and all the legal consequences with it. I dunno, maybe humans are not meant to stay with 1 person forever. Though we try... oh do we try...
conehead Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 To be perfectly honest, I think this is the exact mindset that leads to the statistic you read. My understanding is that the reason couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced is because they have a looser, more disposable view of relationships than couples who don't live together before marriage. Exactly my thoughts as well!
sonicranger Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Wow, first of all thanks for posting that link to the Marriage Project paper from the University of Virginia. I'm recently divorced. Was married 3 years to a woman I'd known for 3 years prior to marriage. We never lived together, just "spent the night". What happened once we were married and moved in together were a number of things that were not readily evident to either of us prior to cohabitation. 1) Eating habits. 2) Free time habits. 3) Organization/cleanliness. 4) Quality time/Emotional needs. I believe you MUST live together to truly learn the others behaviors and habits and ways of life. If you are meant to be together, marriage is simply another step or milestone in your lives. Marriage didn't ruin my marriage, living together did.
dazzle22 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Had I lived with my first husband before marriage I never would have married him, but my father would have disowned and and then crucified me. There were things about my ex he was able to keep well hidden from me because we didn't live together, but after I married him, I got a glimpse of how emotionally troubled he was... Before my second marriage, this same rigid father said to me, "you had better drive this car a few miles before you buy it (in context, live with him and make sure this is the right choice)... GO FIGURE!!!
sagetalk Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 My understanding is that the reason couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of getting divorced is because they have a looser, more disposable view of relationships than couples who don't live together before marriage. Bullseye! When you wait, it adds value to your partner and the relationship. It makes the relationship special and harder to give up. What's easier to give up a 10 dollar bill or a 100 dollar bill?
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I don't think living together before getting married is the thing. I think it has to do with your mindset about the relationship and your views on marriage in general. I moved in with my XH before marriage with the INTENT of getting married in the future (though we were not technically engaged). We lived together for 9 months before we were married (dated 7 months before cohabitation). And we were married for 4-1/2 years before we divorced. I strongly believe in marriage and what it stands for. Hence the reason I continued to fight for the damn thing in spite of the fact that he started cheating less than 3 months into the damn thing. I wonder if the stats say anything about POST-marital cohabitation. We stayed in the same house (rental) for 7 months after the divorce was finalized. LMAO
torranceshipman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I am starting to think that Americans are obsessed with M in away that other cultures aren't. M is a lifetime commitment and a freakin big deal, and it is a deal you should enter into with the maximum possible information. It is logical to live with someone before you decide whether you want to M them. As - newsflash - you (theoretically) will stay M to that person until you DIE, and will not be intimate with anyone else again (theoretically!) until you DIE so you need to make sure it's the right choice that you are making! I don't know about other posters but I am damn sure I'll be entering that situation armed with the maximum facts, and the best way of getting those facts is by living together first. I wont be that person having the A, ever, but I think people who get nasty surprises on the compatibility front after A sure might be.
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