Barriers-down Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hi everyone… I a 24 year old girl, new to this forum, but I need serious help… I am sorry it is long...It all began in July 2009, my 24 year old boyfriend of two years, calls me and tells me he has done a big drunken mistake. He kissed a girl at the club. He feels really sorry, says he was really drunk, but that I should know what he has done. He implies that the fact that he has done this has made him question why he did it and if there is anything wrong with him. So he says he needs time to figure himself out because he does not want to be this kind of person who would hurt me so much. Prior to this we have been having a couple of rough months, mostly due to him being stressed for exams (we both study law). When the semester finished, I go home and he completes his final exams. By then things were good between us. My birthday had taken place and he had been so sweet; given me lots of presents, telling me he loves me so much, and even written me a song. Anyways, and then 1 week later he kisses this girl. So that summer, we break up. I did try to say “okay, you did a mistake, lets talk about it” but he was determined that he needed space and to be alone to figure himself out. That he did not want to hurt me anymore. He also wrote on a email that he knows he is taking a risk but that he needs to do this. So the whole summer goes by. I don’t contact him at all, however he sends me random messages asking me how I am doing, which I don’t reply to. A month later, when I return to school (he still has a month to go of summer vacations-he is in the year above me) a friend of mine puts up some pictures from our summer holiday trip to Spain. Almost immediately, he sends me a message saying what a jerk he has been, and that he has done the biggest mistake of his life. He starts calling me ( he is on a trip around the states and it is really expensive to call to norway) constantly. Saying how sorry he is and if I could give him the slimmest chance, and that he would work to win me back. I am hesistant. The first couple of times when I pick up the phone I was very cold and angry, but then gradually as 2-3 weeks go by I start to soften up and agree that we can meet up for cofee when he gets back. However I emphasise that only as FRIENDS. Anyways, he then calls me one day, tells me that he has decided to come home early because he wants to win me back. So he comes back hom 3 weeks earlier than he was suppose to. This guy does everything to convince me that he really does love me and that he is so sorry: He talks to all my friends at uni and at home by email or face to face, writes to my parents a personal email explaining himself etc. I cant even mention how much he does. So by September 2009 we have got back together. And shortly after this- just a couple o fweeks- I feel that he begins to chance. I don’t know, call it female intuition, but I can feel he is colder, a bit more distant. By this time he says he is like this because he has to apply for jobs in the next couple of weeks. Prior to this, when he wanted to win me back, he had said that he wanted to apply around the area we study so that we can live close to eaech other, but now he says he is not sure. Anyways, he does end up applying around the area I study. But I don’t know, he talks less and less on the phone, and only for 15 minutes or so. Our conversations are short and dry. And he starts getting irritated at me for the smallest things. From October – December, I have brought up the issue if we should be together because obviously there is something wrong. Late November, he says that because we have been arguing so much ( we argued because I felt that he did not treat like he used to before, that he has changed, and that he gets irritated at me so quickly) – anyways, that because we have been arguiing so much he is now very hesitant whether he should be together. I of course say, but we argued because I feel insecure that what happened during the summer will happen again, and that I need him to be more supportive and show that he cares- which he has not recently. He then says that he feels like “the spark” has gone. That he loves me- but that the fighting has made him doubt. He break up- but then he calls me the next day and says that we should give it another shot. We go away for the weekend ( it was his birthday in December and I had organised a little trip away). The weekend was perfect, he says I am perfect and amazing etc etc etc. When we get back home- everything is good until a couple of days later. ON the phone, he gets irritated because he thinks I ask him too many questions about his job, then he states I am too serious when I talk and that all we talk is about feelings. I am like “ What the F****”, but I keep calm, saying that there is no need for him to talk to me like that. He apologieses and says that he doesn’t know why, but that recently he is getting more irritated at me for the smallest things. A week goes by, we have our good and bad moments (bad moments on the phone mostly). I am trying not to fight and to be so sensitive, but he does not make it easy. Then a week before going home I have had it. We are talking on the phone and just because it is christmas break soon, I ask him, how he is feeling about us, if he feels that things are a bit better. He looses it, says that I make him feel claustrophic always asking about this. That he doesn’t know etc. He questions why it needs to be like this, so gloooooom and serious. I state that I ask because I actually don’t knowwhat he is thinking or feeling, that he makes me confused. I then say that there is no point for him to get upset like this, he apologises and again says that he does not know why he gets so irritated at things I do or say that did not use to irritate him before. This is when I say- that’s it. I cant continue to be with someone who is this confused etc. We don’t talk for two days and on the last day before I go home I decide to call him. I mean, its christmas and it had started snowing. I am a hopeless romantic and believe unfortunately in good endings…So I call him, and he sounds miserable. One of the first things he asks me is if I read his message. I had not because I was in town but Iask him what he wrote. He then says that yes, something is not right and these two days he had not meant to ignore me, but that it had made him think that we should not be together. That he does not feel for me like he used to and that it is better to break up here than wait for the relationship to get bitter and by then there probably will not be a return back. He says I am amazing etc, but that I deserve better. That we had two wonderful years and that I was his first real love. I hang up- go home, read the message and call him again. (he finished the message “love and thoughts “- arrrrghhhh!!) I am crying saying why this happened- I thought that after this summer he had been really sure that he wanted to be with me, writing to my parents and all- and how a couple of bumps along the road could make him change his mind. He says that he is so sorry, that he is an as**** *, but that the feeling is not there. That he wishses that he could be crazy in love with me , but that he is not. I say all that I need to say- and hang up. I am hurt and the next day I am going home for christmas. Next day, I get a text from him where he says that he knows that I probably hate him, but that he wishses me a safe journey. I write back saying if he please could delete me from his contact list and please block me from his fb profile. At home I remove him as a friend, determined not to contact him and detox myself from him. At christmas I receive a message from him on fb where he wishes me a merry christmas and hopes that me and my fam are oki. I reply the day after, out of politeness, with a merry christmas. He replies almost instantly asking if we could talk that day. I don’t reply. Two days after, I get a text from him asking how I am doing. I don’t reply. On the 30th I Get two missed calls froman unknown number in the morning. At noon, I get another call unknown number, and this time I pick it up. And its him! He apologiese that he calls me from a telephone which has unknown number- but that he knew I would not pick up if I had known it had been him . He says that he needs to talk to me to explain a few things ( it has been 11 days since we last talked on the phone and he told me all that stuff). I say there is no need. He insists, I say that I am going away for new years. I say I have to go and hang up. After contemplating for a while, I decide to have a closure. So I text him saying that here is no need for explaintion, that he was pretty clear when we talked last time. If he wanted to tell me that he has met someone, that there is not need to do that. I also say that I don’t a grudge against him, that I just want to be left alone for a few months and that I am moving on. He then replies by saying that he does not want to give any explainations. He just wants to make sure that I know that this decision has nothing to do with how I am, that I am perfect etc and that it is just him that is an immature and spoilt s***. And that he needs to get away and mature. That I deserve better. But that it has nothing to do with anyone else. That all the love he has for me is still there. I don’t reply- in which he then writes again, that okay he shall leave me alone and not bother me again. This shakes me a bit, and hours after I write “ what is the point of you writing all this to me, since the outcome is not going to change”. Yet again he replies, that he just wants to make sure that I don’t think that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am perfect, but that he is immature. But that the outcome has yet to be seen” This pisses me off- so I answer with saying that he does not need to worry, that I don’t think that there is anything wrong with me, on the contrary. And that the outcome will not change, that I have had enough and I am done. He then says that he completely understands, that I deserve better and that he is sorry that he could not give that to me. I don’t hear anything till new years, he texts me a happy new year, I don’t reply. And now I have not heard anything from me. I love him so much, but iam so confused… I thought he really did love me which is why he put such an effort to win me back, and now he has broke up again? And why did he need to call me and explain to me again his reasons for it??? How did he discover now that he is immature?? Why did he says he is not in love with me, but now says that all the love is still there? I don’t want to admit it to my friends and family, but inside of me, there is this hope that he will come around and fight for me again … L I thought he was a good guy- one of the best- but twice he has broke up with me in 6 months… what should I do? Forget about him or is there hope? Everyone says I should….but what about the good moments? There were some good ones amongst some bad… Anyone with similar experiences…
Brightmoon Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Barriers He seems to have very low self esteem indeed. That is why he keeps pushing you away every time he wins your attention and trust. You are both young so there is plenty of time to change, but his behaviour is entrenched and he will keep doing this until his self esteem improves drastically. He seems to want and need the drama of high pitched emotion all the time. He may well fight for you again, and that must feel good to have someone do so much to prove themselves... but he will push you away again.. that's how it seems reading his need for drama and low self esteem. You have handled things very well indeed...and it must be very confusing and you must be terribly hurt. His behaviour could so easily crushed someone less mature or more vulnerable than you. You are doing really well. Sorry you are going through this... but welcome to the forum all the same..
Author Barriers-down Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Thank you brightmoon... It is just so hard - a part of me does not want him to contact me ever again but then the other part of me wants him to and for him to tell me that he has been thinking alot and has done a big mistake...but then again, how can someone come to that conclusion overnight? And like you rightly pointed out, will he do that again? Sometimes I think that he may think that he is too young to be in a relationship...but then it pisses me off because he had the whole summer to think about what he wants, but no, he decided that he wanted me back...arghhh!! I have been thinking, maybe he also decided to call me on the 30th because he saw on my facebook that I had changed my relationship status to single... It is so weird that I can be so independent and strong when it comes to general stuff in life, but when it comes to love i am as weak as candle wax...
Brightmoon Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Thank you brightmoon... It is just so hard - a part of me does not want him to contact me ever again but then the other part of me wants him to and for him to tell me that he has been thinking alot and has done a big mistake...but then again, how can someone come to that conclusion overnight? And like you rightly pointed out, will he do that again? Sometimes I think that he may think that he is too young to be in a relationship...but then it pisses me off because he had the whole summer to think about what he wants, but no, he decided that he wanted me back...arghhh!! I have been thinking, maybe he also decided to call me on the 30th because he saw on my facebook that I had changed my relationship status to single... It is so weird that I can be so independent and strong when it comes to general stuff in life, but when it comes to love i am as weak as candle wax... He has treated you appallingly Barriers. And it is because he feels so unesay with HIMSELF. I totally understand your anger and hurt... and the conflict in wanting to cut of all contact and longing for him. His insecurities have spilled over on to you. He has now made you feel his confusion and turmoil... passed it to you by the confusing manner in which he behaves and the mixed and ever changing messages. I think in love we are all as weak as candle wax.. You are doing so well though. I have no doubt that when he saw evidence of you getting on with your life.. and that you are moving on.. he could not cope with that... because he cannot move on. I may be wrong but I suspect he hates change and the fact that his studies are over and he is now looking to the work market must have unsettled him.. But none of this should have impacted on you. I understand your anger fully. You have been very patient with him. He lacks maturity and anything that makes him take responsibility. I think you should stay well away form him Barriers... It will be hard cos you love him and I think he loves you too.. but he will do this again.. He really will.. ((hugs))
Author Barriers-down Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 i feel so angry at myself for going back to him in september...maybe things would have been easier now.... gosh i just really miss him right now, just want to talk or text...but i cant
Brightmoon Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 i feel so angry at myself for going back to him in september...maybe things would have been easier now.... gosh i just really miss him right now, just want to talk or text...but i cant It's gonna be tough no to speak to him Barriers... You had a long relationship...and you loved him. Hang in there.. He worked so hard to win your trust in September. Very hard. It's understandable that you believed him to be sincere. Anyone would have. Try not to beat yourself up about it.. ((hugs))
Author Barriers-down Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 My ex called me yesterday, he called me from an unknown number which is why i picked up. He was nervous and said that he knows that I dont want to talk to him but that he thought that we needed to talk because everything that has happened this term has been a complete mess. He started off by asking how we were going to act around each other if we saw each other: i said that i would not ignore him of course and that i would say hi and act polite against him. Then he asked what i had been thinking and i replied with saying what does it matter. He said it matters because this whole christmasbreak has made him think alot and understand that there has been a massive confusion and misunderstanding between us. He have been in different levels and have had different fears and instead of dealing with them, he has acted on them by drifting away. He says he does love me, but when i broke up with him on monday (the day i had enought because he had said i was claustrophibic...) he was really hurt a) because i had done this over the phone b) he did not think i was going to break up. But i argued against this because he is the one who has been giving me all these signs and told me all his doubts- making me think this guy is definately heading towards wanting to break up with me. Anyways, he claims this is the reason why he wrote me that email and told me all those things about that we dont fit together, that he is not in love with me etc.... We talked and we have agreed that the reason for these last 3-4 months have not been great is both our faults. Him for not understanding me and my insecurities and me for jumping to conclusions...he did say that he feels that he is immature and does not know what he wants in life. fact that he is finished with university very soon scares him because he had so many plans before meeting me, that involved travelling and working in different parts of the world, but having met me and having all these feelings for me makes it difficult for him to do it because he loves me....but then again he says that he doesnt know if he will still be able to do all these things regardless if he was with me or not. I dont know, my general impression is that he is abit confused about his place in life right now. He then also said that he misses me and that this has been the worst christmas. He misses the good times we have had before all the problems began, and wonders if we can re-live them. he wants us to do all the fun things he thinks we have stopped doing, like going for small trips and just generally having fun and " a laugh". I am a bit clueless what he means by this because it is a bit difficult to go back to the dating period...or the really good friends period(we were really good friends before dating) and state that i cant be his friend right now. but he does not mean "friends" but not actual jumping to the relationship. he says that we have have so many good times apart from the bad and that if we start exploring them then we be reminded of the good stuff there was between us before we forget them and cant go back anymore... i think it was something like this he meant.... i dont know what to do because a) I know he is confused but scheisse i am really confused now as well as what is best to do b) I need to grow in myself too c) i dont want to lose him ( know he is being as sincere as he can be regardless of him being confused I know we cant go back to being together like we were, but i dont know if we can go back "to the beginning".
lmauk Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I am in a VERY similar situation VERY similar!! were the same age as you guys too! Its so hard i totally understand- when i mentioned to my ex that i wanted no contact to move on he really didnt like it. Now hes calling ringing asking me how my day is saying he contantly facebooked stalked me even when i removed him as a friend he said he looked through my friends to see if he could see what i was up to. Its insane i am trying to be as strong as i can but its soooo different with him, i feel so weak. i genuinly cant get over this. They are both preventing us from moving on. Which is a horrible thing to do to someone however he is not a horrible person so you can only believe that they DO still love you. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Author Barriers-down Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Imauk- it is really hard.... if i let him in again, however casual it may be...he might push me again and i am back to square 1.... But then again i want to believe him that we can maybe start off by seeing each other once in a while and take it from there....but i am afraid of building up my expectations and then for him to realise yet again that this is not what he wants... arghhh! i want to believe him but at the same time i am not to sure if i do because i wonder if he believes himself..
lmauk Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 urghh i know. the thing is my ex is not serenading me asking me back or anything. He said he has issues and therefore cannot give me 100% and thats not fair on me. Which at first felt like a cop out but now its different. To be honest our contact and seeing one another is far far better than when we were together!! lol its like were dating again. BUT you never truely know what someone else is thinking! He could just be using me until he finds someone else. I dont think that is the case as i know him as a person however you just never know... like, i think n ow ok so he wants to spend 'quality' time with me. Hes txting as soon as he wakes up and says goodnight. its like were back together but not. The problem is my pride would stand in my way if he asked me to go back i would say no. Ive told him that. Becasue i said you will never get the chance to reject me again. However all i want to do is say YES YES YES hahaha! Its so frustrating. I guess the best thing to do is to just not keep your hopes up and whilst you can consider your options also keep a check on reality and know that this is not your issue. The same as i. I said to him i know im good i gave you everything these are your issues, and you know what they know that. Ive never been like this before im totally in love with him. Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. when was the last time he called?
Silver_star Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 He is selfish. Some guys act like this because they want you and then when they have you they have this ""unrested" feeling, so they want to "try new things". Point is he is not thinking about your feelings in the long run. Your emotions are not a factor in his decisions. He doesnt care enough about you that he would never hurt you or leave you for selfish reasons, and you probably dont deserve that. Even if you do get back together now will you be able to move on from the hurt he has caused you? Not likely. You will always wonder if he will leave you again and when and if he does it wont be surprsing but it wont hurt any less either. If you got back together your friends and family will always resent him (because they can be objective and see him more clearly than you) and never grow to accept him into your family and social circle. Your relationship with the man will be stunted forever. Its hard to accept. You know it is nothing that is wrong with you, but it still sucks to lose someone who was an important part of YOUR life. Surround yourself with positive influences and constructive ways to fill that hurt.
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