squeaky Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 i started dating someone new recently. we've gone on maybe 5 dates, but we haven't kissed and we haven't had any really serious conversations. i feel like he's a pretty private person, and so am i. on the third date, he acted like he was going to kiss me, and i got scared and backed off. the reason for this is because i was assaulted a few years ago, and ever since then, i just feel differently about kissing and sex. i feel like i need to build a certain level of trust with a guy, and in a way, know that i will feel safe with him. he tried kissing me on the fourth date and i said, "i really do like you, i'm just not ready." he seemed confused, and he wanted to be sure that i really was interested in him. he said he won't try to kiss me again unless i want him to, and he'll have no way of knowing if that's what i want unless i say so. i went away on vacation for over a week, and right before i left we hung out again. he didn't try to kiss me, but before he dropped me off, he told me that he really likes me and that he would miss me. i said i'd miss him too, and i like him, but i have to admit i was surprised that he feels so strongly. i think he could sense my surprise. after that, he started calling and emailing me less. he was probably trying to pull back a little bit after putting himself out on the line. i want to convey to him that i do like him, but i have some issues and i have to go slowly. and since we haven't had any really serious conversations, i feel nervous about talking to him. my main problem here is that i want to talk to him about being assaulted before we get even a little bit intimate. it's something that i've struggled with for a very long time (i've received extensive counseling for ptsd), and in many ways it's still a big part of my life. i've told other men about it and i've gotten some really bad reactions where they just seemed irritated and confused and not supportive. a lot of people haven't had the same experiences, so it's understandably hard for them to relate. talking about this is hard for me. i'm afraid that this guy might not have the emotional capacity to really understand where i'm coming from. i do really like him, i'm just wary of becoming emotionally invested only to find out he won't be understanding or supportive. and i want to kiss him, but so far i still don't even feel ready to talk to him about all of this. what should i do? we haven't had any serous talks before, how do i broach this subject? (btw, he's not the first person i've dated since the assault. my last boyfriend was very understanding from the get-go because he had been molested as a child. other guys i have casually tried to date generally didn't seem to care or understand)
carhill Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Firstly, my sympathies regarding your past trauma. I hope the counseling has been helpful. Secondly, what I'm hearing from you is a desire for compatibility. Even if I 'have the emotional capacity to understand where you're coming from', that capacity doesn't negate my own need and desire for intimacy. If that desire is incompatible with your capacity or desire, regardless of impetus, that just makes us incompatible. No harm, no foul. IMO, if you truly are intrinsically fearful of physical intimacy, sexual or not (I don't consider embracing and kissing to be specifically sexual, since we do those things with same gender people, children and pets even), then you either have to accept that you will appeal to a narrow range of men or continue to work on yourself to become more open and accepting of affection and intimacy. Your choice. Something our MC worked on was acceptance of the past. My stbx had a 'difficult' past and it often invaded the present of our M. Her work was to accept that past and see it as such, the past. Mine was to accept who she was in the present, being a product of that past. Unfortunately, we did not reach resolution. One example of one dynamic. Best wishes
Author squeaky Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) Firstly, my sympathies regarding your past trauma. I hope the counseling has been helpful. Secondly, what I'm hearing from you is a desire for compatibility. Even if I 'have the emotional capacity to understand where you're coming from', that capacity doesn't negate my own need and desire for intimacy. If that desire is incompatible with your capacity or desire, regardless of impetus, that just makes us incompatible. No harm, no foul. IMO, if you truly are intrinsically fearful of physical intimacy, sexual or not (I don't consider embracing and kissing to be specifically sexual, since we do those things with same gender people, children and pets even), then you either have to accept that you will appeal to a narrow range of men or continue to work on yourself to become more open and accepting of affection and intimacy. Your choice. Something our MC worked on was acceptance of the past. My stbx had a 'difficult' past and it often invaded the present of our M. Her work was to accept that past and see it as such, the past. Mine was to accept who she was in the present, being a product of that past. Unfortunately, we did not reach resolution. One example of one dynamic. Best wishes i should be more specific and say that i have a fear of the initial stages of intimacy with someone new. when i get to the point where i feel like i can trust the person, i really have no problem with sex. in fact, i have a very strong sex drive and it's just as frustrating for me as it is for him that we haven't even kissed yet. intimacy is not just about sex, it can also be simply feeling close to a person. when i feel like i don't know a person well enough to let my guard down, my desire to be intimate is trumped by my fears. Edited January 1, 2010 by squeaky
carhill Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 This makes sense and can be applied to nearly all relationships, regardless of past experiences and/or trauma. We all have our own unique thresholds of intimacy and, beyond that, style of intimacy. Can you identify the parameters of your frustration? You've outlined the impetus for the psychology, but I'm more interested in the breadth of it. For example, should he try to kiss you and you pull away, you feel frustration? Where is that coming from. Define it. If I pulled away, it would be for one of two reasons....lack of desire or a conflict of that intimacy with my moral code, like if I had unresolved attraction with an otherwise committed person who was sharing platonic feelings of affection. I would be frustrated in the latter case, and that frustration would flow from my own emotions of desire; inappropriate desire. Unless I communicated that, the other person would have no way of knowing my feelings. I used that as an example. Where does your frustration flow from? Remember, keep it in the present. The past is the past. You alluded to one parameter below: when i feel like i don't know a person well enough to let my guard down, my desire to be intimate is trumped by my fears. OK, can you communicate how you feel when you 'know a person well enough', and do you have an understanding of and ability to communicate when and how 'well enough' occurs for you? Identify your triggers which resolve your fears and communicate them. Remember, compatibility is still a factor. A compatible man will respond positively to your communicated perspectives. Also, balance is your proactive efforts to show your desire for and understanding of him and his perspective. It's a two-way street. He has his 'stuff' too.
Author squeaky Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 This makes sense and can be applied to nearly all relationships, regardless of past experiences and/or trauma. We all have our own unique thresholds of intimacy and, beyond that, style of intimacy. Can you identify the parameters of your frustration? You've outlined the impetus for the psychology, but I'm more interested in the breadth of it. For example, should he try to kiss you and you pull away, you feel frustration? Where is that coming from. Define it. If I pulled away, it would be for one of two reasons....lack of desire or a conflict of that intimacy with my moral code, like if I had unresolved attraction with an otherwise committed person who was sharing platonic feelings of affection. I would be frustrated in the latter case, and that frustration would flow from my own emotions of desire; inappropriate desire. Unless I communicated that, the other person would have no way of knowing my feelings. I used that as an example. Where does your frustration flow from? Remember, keep it in the present. The past is the past. You alluded to one parameter below: OK, can you communicate how you feel when you 'know a person well enough', and do you have an understanding of and ability to communicate when and how 'well enough' occurs for you? Identify your triggers which resolve your fears and communicate them. Remember, compatibility is still a factor. A compatible man will respond positively to your communicated perspectives. Also, balance is your proactive efforts to show your desire for and understanding of him and his perspective. It's a two-way street. He has his 'stuff' too. i'm really just looking for advice on how to broach the topic with this new guy i'm dating, considering we haven't talked about anything heavy or really personal yet. from there i can figure out the compatibility and all that jazz. at this point i just don't know enough about him to make that assessment. which is why i'd like to move forward and have this conversation with him. just want to go about it in the best way possible, and i'm curious as to how other people on this forum might react to a similar situation with a partner. didn't mean to make it seem like i needed an analysis of the situation, but thanks for your input.
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 i started dating someone new recently. we've gone on maybe 5 dates, but we haven't kissed and we haven't had any really serious conversations. i feel like he's a pretty private person, and so am i. on the third date, he acted like he was going to kiss me, and i got scared and backed off. the reason for this is because i was assaulted a few years ago, and ever since then, i just feel differently about kissing and sex. i feel like i need to build a certain level of trust with a guy, and in a way, know that i will feel safe with him. he tried kissing me on the fourth date and i said, "i really do like you, i'm just not ready." he seemed confused, and he wanted to be sure that i really was interested in him. he said he won't try to kiss me again unless i want him to, and he'll have no way of knowing if that's what i want unless i say so. i went away on vacation for over a week, and right before i left we hung out again. he didn't try to kiss me, but before he dropped me off, he told me that he really likes me and that he would miss me. i said i'd miss him too, and i like him, but i have to admit i was surprised that he feels so strongly. i think he could sense my surprise. after that, he started calling and emailing me less. he was probably trying to pull back a little bit after putting himself out on the line. i want to convey to him that i do like him, but i have some issues and i have to go slowly. and since we haven't had any really serious conversations, i feel nervous about talking to him. my main problem here is that i want to talk to him about being assaulted before we get even a little bit intimate. it's something that i've struggled with for a very long time (i've received extensive counseling for ptsd), and in many ways it's still a big part of my life. i've told other men about it and i've gotten some really bad reactions where they just seemed irritated and confused and not supportive. a lot of people haven't had the same experiences, so it's understandably hard for them to relate. talking about this is hard for me. i'm afraid that this guy might not have the emotional capacity to really understand where i'm coming from. i do really like him, i'm just wary of becoming emotionally invested only to find out he won't be understanding or supportive. and i want to kiss him, but so far i still don't even feel ready to talk to him about all of this. what should i do? we haven't had any serous talks before, how do i broach this subject? (btw, he's not the first person i've dated since the assault. my last boyfriend was very understanding from the get-go because he had been molested as a child. other guys i have casually tried to date generally didn't seem to care or understand) My current partner has never been molested or sexually assaulted, he is EXTREMELY supportive and understanding about how it has affected my life and how I need to approach things differently, I also suffer from PTSD and flashbacks. There have been times I have been screaming like a banshee from an acute flashback, and my current partner didn't judge me or run away or treat me like I'm embarassing or should be ashamed. If those other guys could not be supportive or understanding I am GLAD to hear you got rid of them. Don't think that the only type of person capable of being caring, supportive, and understanding has been molested or sexually assaulted themselves. I think you need to give this guy a chance and say "look, I really do like you but this happened to me and now I respond like this " " . He is pulling away it sounds and I can't blame him. If I got turned down as much as this guy has been shot down with no other explanation I would feel like an idiot and think the guy just wasn't into me. If he can't be supportive he doesn't need to be in your life- but don't rule him out. Give him a chance and let him know- he will be relieved to know there's a good reason for the rejection and if he really cares about YOU, wether he's had similiar experience or not; he will support you and be caring about it.
carhill Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 With my stbx, she behaved in an unusual (to me) manner; I asked her why and she started explaining the history behind it. My error was thinking, with sufficient intimacy and trust, that dynamic would change. It was a intimacy style incompatibility that I did not at the time have the EQ to determine and resolve. So, the next time the guy goes to kiss you and you pull away, note his reaction and proactively communicate. There ya go
Author squeaky Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 My current partner has never been molested or sexually assaulted, he is EXTREMELY supportive and understanding about how it has affected my life and how I need to approach things differently, I also suffer from PTSD and flashbacks. There have been times I have been screaming like a banshee from an acute flashback, and my current partner didn't judge me or run away or treat me like I'm embarassing or should be ashamed. If those other guys could not be supportive or understanding I am GLAD to hear you got rid of them. Don't think that the only type of person capable of being caring, supportive, and understanding has been molested or sexually assaulted themselves. I think you need to give this guy a chance and say "look, I really do like you but this happened to me and now I respond like this " " . He is pulling away it sounds and I can't blame him. If I got turned down as much as this guy has been shot down with no other explanation I would feel like an idiot and think the guy just wasn't into me. If he can't be supportive he doesn't need to be in your life- but don't rule him out. Give him a chance and let him know- he will be relieved to know there's a good reason for the rejection and if he really cares about YOU, wether he's had similiar experience or not; he will support you and be caring about it. thank you. yeah, i didn't mean to imply that my last boyfriend only understood because he had been molested (he also just happened to be very open with emotions, and he's also a social worker so he was comfortable discussing this type of thing). everything has been so light-hearted with this new guy. i know he sees me as very funny and witty and not especially serious or emotional, so i just don't know how he'll react. most guys tend to see me that way, because i'm so private with my emotions to begin with. i just hope he understands and he can be supportive. and if not, another one bites the dust.
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