Don't you ever wonder: How could they?!?

[famke]

how can someone who told you how special you were to them, how you changed there life, how you were the greatest girl they ever met, etc. just kick you out of there life and don't contact you?!

 

my ex broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. He cried and cried and told me how special I was to him and how he never wanted to lose the bond we had.

 

and now... after he said those words he moved on and never contacted me again. I started contacting him, because I wanted to have some closure by meeting again, he said it was fine but then never showed up on this date.. he text me he couldnt meet me because his car broke down.. and then never contacted me till this day.

 

I never begged. I just didn't want to make a fool out of me. But it hurts so much knowing that he really doesn't care anymore.

 

so I ask again.. How could they? how could they tell us we mean so much to them and then go on and never contact us again. He even told me he wanted to be friends.. I guess that was a lie. maybe it all was a lie.

 

 

 

*I'm sorry for bad english*

[Ilovecake]

I think everyone wonders at first, unfortunately there are no satisfactory answers to that question. After some time you'll stop wondering and just learn to live with that fact that it is what it is. If you're lucky you might even think one day that this person did you a huge favor.

[sean1970]

There are really only two options; they lied when they said those things, or, feelings just change.

 

It does hurt, and I'm sorry for the way you feel, but be glad that he did not drag it out. While its a stretch to say he did it for you, he did indeed do you a favor by cutting it off clean.

 

Many people here have had their hearts dragged behind the breadcrumb cart for months, even years. Take how you feel now and multiply it by that time and you will at least see how tortuous this can be. The quicker it is over, the quicker you heal and can be ready for another love.

 

Don't spend too much time with the "hows and whys" as you will never be able to crawl into his head and get the answers you are looking for. Look at yourself, and ask, what did I learn from this relationship? What did I like / not like? Those answers, and time working on yourself, will have you eventually be with someone that is right for you. And by the way, he is anxious to meet you

Edited December 30, 2009 by sean1970

[bettermustcome]

OMG, YES!! I wondered constantly the first couple of weeks and the thought still pop into my head 2-3 times a day. Now, I just stop and tell myself that I will never truly know why he did what he did and it is what it is. I did confront him though and ask him how after telling me all the things that he has and being together for 6 years, how he could hurt me so badly. His answer: I don't know, I'm a terrible person, I was stupid. Um, okay, not much closure there. I asked him if everything was a lie and if everything that he said to me, our future together, was a lie. You know what he told me: I can't believe you would think everything was a lie, thats f'd up. I can't believe you would think that is the kind of person that I am. LOL..I told him, excuse me, I didn't think you would go through such great efforts to lie and decieve me but...well you get the picture. Needless to say, this conversation did not end well. And I gave up on trying to figure it out, maybe you should to. We will never have the answer and I find myself constantly looking at what I might have done wrong. I am not taking responsibility for his incapability to act with loyalty and integrity any longer..and neither should you! Good luck my friend.

[famke]

OMG, YES!! I wondered constantly the first couple of weeks and the thought still pop into my head 2-3 times a day. Now, I just stop and tell myself that I will never truly know why he did what he did and it is what it is. I did confront him though and ask him how after telling me all the things that he has and being together for 6 years, how he could hurt me so badly. His answer: I don't know, I'm a terrible person, I was stupid. Um, okay, not much closure there. I asked him if everything was a lie and if everything that he said to me, our future together, was a lie. You know what he told me: I can't believe you would think everything was a lie, thats f'd up. I can't believe you would think that is the kind of person that I am. LOL..I told him, excuse me, I didn't think you would go through such great efforts to lie and decieve me but...well you get the picture. Needless to say, this conversation did not end well. And I gave up on trying to figure it out, maybe you should to. We will never have the answer and I find myself constantly looking at what I might have done wrong. I am not taking responsibility for his incapability to act with loyalty and integrity any longer..and neither should you! Good luck my friend.

 

wow, I can't believe he was acting so mad at you for asking that. I guess dumpers like my ex and yours only think about there only feelings. He obviously felt offended while he could also just be honest and explain things to you.

 

those words you used.. 'loyalty' and 'integrity' just hit me. you're so right, and I guess all I really expected from him after breaking up with me was that he would be at least loyal with me. That he would threat me with respect. I know I deserved that! I was always there for him after his mother died. I threated him with so much respect and he should have done the same. I still can't believe he didn't...

[famke]

 

It does hurt, and I'm sorry for the way you feel, but be glad that he did not drag it out. While its a stretch to say he did it for you, he did indeed do you a favor by cutting it off clean.

 

Many people here have had their hearts dragged behind the breadcrumb cart for months, even years. Take how you feel now and multiply it by that time and you will at least see how tortuous this can be. The quicker it is over, the quicker you heal and can be ready for another love.

 

You're right. I really know you're right. him not contacting me is a blessing. He is actually realising me, freeing me. My head says it's the right way to go but my heart aches for him.

 

you know, silence speaks louder then words. and the thought of him not even giving me a decent goodbye conversation (he gave me 'the talk' on the phone and didn"t want to meet later).. I Don't know. I guess I'm just really dissapointed at him, I thought he was soooo different.

maybe he is trying to help me by not contacting me (I mean, he doesn't contact me because he doesn't want me to hurt more) or maybe he just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. either way, It really doesn't matter.

 

But I know you're right. It is really much better that he doesn't contact me. Even if he would contact me, I wouldn't response. It's too little too late to be friendly or pretend he didn't treat me like crap.

I hope that soon i can honestly be thankfull for this experience.

[famke]

does anyone else have any input on this?

[drew86]

I spent months listening to my ex after she broke up with me over the phone say that she thought we could get back together, that she hadn't moved on so I shouldn't, that I was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, etc. The result? It's 3 months later and I feel like she just broke up with me yesterday. I'm only now starting "no contact" and the rebuilding-my-confidence process... Meanwhile, she has found somebody else and I am even more alone.

 

It's not to say what happened to you was any less crushing, but at least your ex is not being selfish by trying to keep you around just in case -- It would just prolong your pain.

 

It hurts to think about how much somebody loved you but how fast they stopped... That's the hardest thing for me right now actually. I say learn what you can from the experience but don't dwell on all the details...

 

And good for you that you can still be rational about your situation! That is a great thing even though your heart still misses him. You wouldn't want to settle for anybody who couldn't love/respect you as much as you love/respect them anyway

[Template]

My ex told me "I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you." 3 weeks later, she didn't want to help me in a potentially life or death situation. What changed really in that time to go from one end of the love stick to the other. Other than the fact she should get serious psychiatric help, nothing.

 

The unfortunately part is that even if our ex's told us the absolute truth as to "why", we are in a state of mind in which we won't ever believe them or feel that it's justified. We'll negotiate with ourselves, and possibly them, I'll do this, we can work on that, it's because of this, etc.

 

It doesn't matter. We cannot make someone love us, and we deserve as much love as we give out. Clearly for whatever reason, our ex's don't want to do that. It's a sad reality.

[drew86]

The unfortunately part is that even if our ex's told us the absolute truth as to "why", we are in a state of mind in which we won't ever believe them or feel that it's justified. We'll negotiate with ourselves, and possibly them, I'll do this, we can work on that, it's because of this, etc.

 

It doesn't matter. We cannot make someone love us, and we deserve as much love as we give out. Clearly for whatever reason, our ex's don't want to do that. It's a sad reality.

 

Well said

 

Funny, it was 3 weeks for my ex too. I was her "rock" and best friend, and 3 weeks later she had a crush on somebody else and broke up with me. Crazyness:mad:

[sedgwick]

The last words I said to my ex after he dumped me for not being a musician (like he is) were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are."

 

He said, "Nobody has ever told me that before."

 

And then he disappeared, never to be seen again, and continues to this day to ignore me completely.

 

There is only one person in my life who has ever told me he loved me unconditionally -- my ex-husband. As a result, we are still best friends, even though we didn't work out as a couple. I treasure him and the love he has for me, and I return it. I can't imagine my life without that kind of love and support. However, apparently my ex not only didn't need or want that from me, he doesn't even want to KNOW me.

 

So yeah, I definitely wonder "how could he." It has completely torn down my belief in the value of my love, and destroyed my self-esteem. I would give anything in the world for just the slightest acknowledgment of having hurt me -- not even an apology, just an acknowledgment -- but apparently I don't deserve that.

[teanoranges]

I recently remembered how strange it was that my ex, once we just broke up, would say how wonderful his life is coming together for him and how close we were and how he needs me as a friend in his life.

 

I told him I felt bad about his life coming together only when I left him..

I would have liked, oh no, it was coincidence because you never held me back...

but no, he acted like that WAS the reason.

 

The little things really make you see other's real character...

I'm more like 'how could he be such a pompous a-hole.' now... rather like it better.

[famke]

I spent months listening to my ex after she broke up with me over the phone say that she thought we could get back together, that she hadn't moved on so I shouldn't, that I was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, etc. The result? It's 3 months later and I feel like she just broke up with me yesterday. I'm only now starting "no contact" and the rebuilding-my-confidence process... Meanwhile, she has found somebody else and I am even more alone.

 

 

 

i guess the cold way my ex handled it is better.. reading your story.. wow. I couldn't imagine how i would feel if he did that. But i also had hope.. false hope, even without him really giving it to me. But if he would dragged me along like she did with you.. i would be even more hurt and really pissed at him. good luck on finding happiness again.

[famke]

The last words I said to my ex after he dumped me for not being a musician (like he is) were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are."

 

He said, "Nobody has ever told me that before."

 

And then he disappeared, never to be seen again, and continues to this day to ignore me completely.

 

There is only one person in my life who has ever told me he loved me unconditionally -- my ex-husband. As a result, we are still best friends, even though we didn't work out as a couple. I treasure him and the love he has for me, and I return it. I can't imagine my life without that kind of love and support. However, apparently my ex not only didn't need or want that from me, he doesn't even want to KNOW me.

 

So yeah, I definitely wonder "how could he." It has completely torn down my belief in the value of my love, and destroyed my self-esteem. I would give anything in the world for just the slightest acknowledgment of having hurt me -- not even an apology, just an acknowledgment -- but apparently I don't deserve that.

 

hello sedgwick,

 

my situation is a bit familair with yours. I also said those words to him, and his response was the same. he cried and cried and said he wasn't in love with me anymore. and then i never spoke to him again, besides a couple texts.

 

anyway, reading your post made me realise that he never told me he loved me unconditionally. he did say he love me, but i think deep down inside he didn't know for sure if that feeling would last.

 

maybe indeed your ex doesn't love you anymore, but i can't image that he doesn't want to know you? did you do something terrible? or does he just ignore you because you guys broke up? maybe he just can't handle it, i think that's true for my ex.

 

do you still think you would get that apology from him someday? or has it been too long? I wonder if he will ever write me that letter he said he would send me when he dumped me. I guess not.

[famke]

I recently remembered how strange it was that my ex, once we just broke up, would say how wonderful his life is coming together for him and how close we were and how he needs me as a friend in his life.

 

I told him I felt bad about his life coming together only when I left him..

I would have liked, oh no, it was coincidence because you never held me back...

but no, he acted like that WAS the reason.

 

The little things really make you see other's real character...

I'm more like 'how could he be such a pompous a-hole.' now... rather like it better.

 

auch..... pff how can some people be so rude without even noticing it. i would be like: OMG how could you just say that..?

 

'The little things really make you see other's real character.."

 

you're true. I would never ever ever ever imaged my ex doing what he did. neither would my friends, or family. I would never think he would bail on me and be so cold and rude. but i guess i never knew him that well after all.

[bananaboat11]

After 4 months of a dysfunctional relationship.. well 3 months.. the first month was pretty good... we had broke up too many times in that span of time, mind you.. (I dumped her for her attitude and verbal abuse towards me)...

 

...she demanded a break from us. I tried to fix it, but I was wrong and I couldn't... 3 days later after trying to fix it she texted me letting me know she missed me, but was afraid I'd hurt her... the very next day we got back together. I was happy, she was happy.

 

...the very NEXT day (after she went home home for the night to NY) she dumped me over facebook. No explanation.. no reason. Just cut me off cold, immaturely over facebook instead of face to face. (I believe she got back with her ex)... we got into an argument via facebook.. and eventually text message... but clearly.. she was not in the right state of mind, and a low self-esteem type sad girl who couldn't handle this. (She had been cheated on by her ex, who she is with again, for 2/4 years they were together)...

 

...and I believe only to hurt me and push me away, she told me I was not a relationship, but a temporary comfort, etc, etc and that she used me and couldn't lie to herself that she did love me and had to move on and that I should never contact her again. I thought she was playing a game.. so I tried contacting her later that week (giving her a few days space)... BAD idea. She instantly called me crazy and a stalker. I backed off... 3 weeks later I sent a friendly, platonic, subtle e-mail to her... her friend responded instead of her threatening a restraining order and that I'm making up our entire relationship...

 

...sometimes I wonder how ANYONE could be so intimate (and lie about it) and then go cold, cruel, and heartless overnight. I'll never understand... but sometimes it takes your OWN experiences to begin recognizing red flags in a relationship, rather than hear about them to try and recognize them. I know for the next time, I will only be a better lover and stronger person for it....

 

(if you're curious to read my story... see my thread: (long read lol) - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216034/ )

 

But regardless... You can't hold it against YOURSELF. Clearly something did NOT work out... and you know what.. it is an opportunity for your to reflect within, and not on your relationship. I promise you... he is wondering what went wrong and if he's broken too... despite the illusion of him moving on, I assure you... in his own mind, he hasn't. And this next one in his life will end up getting hurt somehow (unless she's stupid enough to play his game). It is in these situations we put ourselves that we learn more about who we are and what we want in our lives. Clearly, you are better off without him... like I am better off without my ex. It takes time to realize it... some more than others, but I promise you... it does.

 

Fill that emptiness with positive aspects of life... friends, work,family, hobbies... and under no circumstancse, do not break the no contact. Let him find you. And when he does... if he can be sincere in his wanting you back... give him the chance, but do not give in. (everyone deserves a second chance).. let him prove he deserves you. If he fails... You tell him that you don't see it happening ever and he needs to move on (whether you believe it or not) and establish a NO CONTACT WITH HIM!

 

Be strong!

 

-someone who cares

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you mean. I'm left wondering if I was just a fill in until someone more worthy of him came along. I wonder if all of those 18 years were a sham.

What I am also left with is thinking men get bored in the end even if they say you are special and that they have a deep bond with you, yeah right. Garbage.

My ex is friends with me, but believe me it does NOT help, I am stuck in a horrible limbo the last 5 months, nearly 6 months now. I am jealous of his female friends and he can crush me with a few words-not because he's cruel, he says nothing nasty he's not like that-because I look for meaning in everything he says, and sometimes this is good and other times it crushes me.

He has no idea the hell I am in, I think he thinks I should be over it by now.

He says he cares and needs me but I feel second best now and I hate it. All his friends get hugs, we aren't allowed to hug anymore.

 

how can someone who told you how special you were to them, how you changed there life, how you were the greatest girl they ever met, etc. just kick you out of there life and don't contact you?!

 

my ex broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. He cried and cried and told me how special I was to him and how he never wanted to lose the bond we had.

 

and now... after he said those words he moved on and never contacted me again. I started contacting him, because I wanted to have some closure by meeting again, he said it was fine but then never showed up on this date.. he text me he couldnt meet me because his car broke down.. and then never contacted me till this day.

 

I never begged. I just didn't want to make a fool out of me. But it hurts so much knowing that he really doesn't care anymore.

 

so I ask again.. How could they? how could they tell us we mean so much to them and then go on and never contact us again. He even told me he wanted to be friends.. I guess that was a lie. maybe it all was a lie.

 

 

 

*I'm sorry for bad english*

[sean1970]

do you still think you would get that apology from him someday? or has it been too long? I wonder if he will ever write me that letter he said he would send me when he dumped me. I guess not.

 

While a complete unexpected falling off the planet might warrant an explanation/apology, the typical breakup does not IMHO. Why should someone be sorry for the way they feel/don't feel? It is the breadcrumbs, selfish attempts to keep us close, and lies that most dumpers should be sorry for; not the lack of feelings or the breakup itself. While lingering questions are a notable torture for sure, we should be glad when spared the more brutal alternative.

 

Furthermore, while I understand the mentality, I still find it hard to read, "Breakup came completely out of the blue". I don't know of a relationship that failed where there were no indications, to both parties, that something was not working. While we may not like to admit it, we knew something was wrong with the relationship at some point prior to the breakup. I say this as I don't believe it is healthy in the healing process to ignore it. By doing so, we lose the opportunity to fully examine our role in the demise of the relationship.

 

famke, forgive me here if this reply seems a bit unfeeling and dry. Many of us that have been here for a while have started seeing logic at least take alternating shifts in the mental diver's seat where wild emotions were once well buckled in. We know you want the answers to your questions but believe us, they often just lead to frustrating answers and more questions. Time focusing on these things is time you could be thinking about you.

Edited January 4, 2010 by sean1970