lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Hi all, 1st time post for me, just can't cope anymore, completely lost. Hoping one of you wise owls can help me. Apologies for the length of the post I just need to get it all out and so much gone on..... I've pretty much been a mess since Sept 09 when my GF of 3.5 years left me after work one night, I want to thank you as your posts did help me get through some tough times. The history is that we were both pretty unhappily married (I know this was wrong but it happened) (i have 2 beautiful daughters from my previous marriage) and when we met something happened that I still can't explain, I have never felt the way I feel about her, the deepest most honest love that smacked me in the face like a train every time I looked at her, it's actually making me cry as I type this to you. We both left our previous partners and after living separately moved in together about 2.5 years ago. The beginning was tough but amazing, we shared something so beautiful we both knew this was what people talk about when they say that once in a lifetime chance. We did more together than we'd ever done before and both knew we'd found love forever. The problems started when we began spending time with my kids, my GF struggled with the fact that I had children and that my ex had control over our lives (partly my fault as I still had guilt for leaving and hadn't gotten around to getting the divorce sorted (her ex sorted theirs)). I think my eldest has loyalty issues too so hasn't been the easiest at times. I have to say at this point my GF struggles emotionally, she ignores things if they are difficult and will put off doing things in case she gets things wrong, worries about what people think of her all the time which lowers her self esteem and when we first met she used to scratch her arms or face when she felt like this, she also told me she once drove straight through a traffic junction when she was angry and tried to jump out of my moving car once. I asked myself why would I want to put myself through living with that? because that was her and I loved her and wanted to be there for her no matter what. Over time she stopped hurting herself which she has always said was because I helped her through those times. She still does struggle with the emotional problems though. The last year I've had some problems, car crash resulting in a messed up back and pain for months, money issues, crazy workload, so I've not been on top form, add to this that I've never really felt that my GF was putting in the effort I was to our relationship I made a few honest 'manlike' mistakes, got grumpy at times, frustrated and a little distant. But I never stopped trying to let her know how much I loved her, we hardly argued but when we did within minutes or hours we were holding each other again and talking always helped. When things were tough it was like turmoil inside me, knowing how good we could be but sometimes feeling that 'why can't she put in the effort that I do/did, I gave up my kids for her'. We tried a few sessions of relationship counselling which seemed to help but we didn't carry them on. Anyway, on 5th Sept 09 she came home from work and told me she was leaving, I was shocked although things hadn't been great so said stuff I regret, nothing bad just a little cocky I think! She said it was all the same stuff as before, me having kids, my ex, etc. She moved in with her friend and ignored me for a couple of days. The first week I did everything I could, flowers left in her car, went to our favourite romantic place on my own and texted her letting her know I was there if she wanted to talk and many other things, I just needed to let her know how much I loved her because I hadn't let her know enough recently because of all the rubbish going on. She agreed to see me that week and we picnicked for hours, cried, talked about good times and told each other we loved each other but she just couldn't cope with me having kids and felt anger towards my ex. I did so much soul searching over the coming weeks and because I felt I knew her so well and how she struggles to deal with things and having gone through all our texts and emails, it made me absolutely sure that it didn't have to be this way. She did say that me having spilled my heart to her and seeing me in such a mess helped her realise how much I loved her and I can't remember how but she ended up saying she was coming back to me twice between Sept and Nov, she stayed at her friends but we saw each other. I know I was very patient despite the fact she kept going up and down without talking to me, I didn't understand what was going on and she just expected me to guess how she was feeling over text messages. I felt I had to be the strong one and that she had to come to her own conclusions rather than me pushing her for things so I tried so hard just to be there and not push anything. The friend she was staying with made things worse for us as she was on her own, no boyfriend and was giving bad advice which made me realise that my GF was quite impressionable. So I 'manned up' and became a better person. I did fall apart completely, not just losing her once but 2 or 3 times, the not knowing was torture, I cried all the time, couldn't sleep in our bed or sleep at all, didn't eat, work started being affected, I had counselling sessions, it was about 2 months of hell. But I knew she wasn't being malicious it was just that she struggles to cope with things so I allowed myself to go through that so she didn't have to as much. Eventually we worked things out and fell deeply in love again, in fact an even stronger feeling than before, she handed her notice in with her friend and we had a week's holiday together at the end of Nov which was so perfect, we made love, laughed, ate great food, talked, held each other for hours and promised we would always talk in the future if things got tough again. She apologised for treating me so badly over the previous months and said she had started to understand things about herself and some were wonky. I felt although it had been hell we had found an opportunity to refresh and get things out in the open, this was our chance, hell we even talked about getting married and having children! It was so exciting, imagine that amazing feeling you get when you first get together with someone and then imagine you feel that way about someone that you already know deeply - perfect! My GF moved back into our home at the beginning of Dec, 4 weeks ago. The first couple of weeks were just lovely, but I was still a little sensitive from what had happened, she said she would look after me and not to worry, things were going to be ok. The week before Xmas was tough, we had money worries, I was stressed about Christmas because her mum said she didn't want me there this year (too awkward) so I was a little low and worried about spending it on my own, I just needed a bit of care I suppose. On the day before xmas eve, we went for a walk and we were a little quiet, we had some wine at home and ended up talking, I tried to explain gently that I was suffering a little still but when I asked her if she really really loved me she said she didn't know (as well as some other things) I lost it a little and the last 3 months of patience and pain welled up, I walked out and went for a walk and said I was going to find somewhere to stay and that after she returned from Christmas with her mum I would be gone (I know I was just trying to reach out to her but didn't mean it). Anyway I was only gone for a few minutes, came back and apologised, I explained that I was just still sensitive and that I loved her but she was quite cold, told me she didn't think it could work, etc, etc. I reminded her what we'd had recently had together and that 3 weeks back together wasn't any time to get us fixed up properly. She agreed and we went to sleep late, next morning (xmas eve) she said she felt differently and loved me and was sorry I was spending xmas alone, she went to work, said a few normal things by text that day and drove down to her mums. I didn't hear much from her (feeling pretty lonely on my first ever xmas alone) but she let me know she'd gone to a pub with her sister and was ok. At midnight I texted to say happy Christmas, love you and she replied with the same. I tried to phone a few minutes later - no answer, a bit later I texted just asking if she was ok, I didn't hear from her until a text on xmas morning saying she's hungover and she loves me. She didn't call for hours, it was short and relatively normal when she did but I was getting a sense of unease again. Spoke once or twice last few days and texted a little and she even said a couple of things about the future that made me think OK Mr, stop being soft, it’s all ok! I'm rambling...sorry, I've hardly heard from her over the last few days and I texted last night to ask if everything is ok. She called me at about 10pm to tell me she wasn't coming back home to me, 'it's just not enough for her', it still isn't right, the night before xmas eve was upsetting and there's nothing I could say to change her mind. She said she didn't want to come home to talk about it as she doesn't want to change her mind for the wrong reasons, she's so sorry to do it like this and she isn't running away she is facing up to it! She told me she said stuff over the last few days (in other words lied) just to make me feel better. That's my long long story. I haven't slept or eaten for 2 days, I hate myself for being like this, I feel pathetic and honestly believe I have lost the love of my life and something that neither of us will ever find again. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do, all I've ever done is love her completely every day since we met. I know she came with issues and I loved her for that, I feel like a child again, unsure, frightened. I'm in our home with our things and our memories surrounding me alone at Christmas time, I can't stop crying and I know I'm 36 years old but I miss her so much. I would love to be able to think that she simply didn't love me as much as I love her it would make it easier (she even said that might be the case the other night) but I'm emotionally intelligent enough to just know that all those times she looked into my eyes lately and told me she loved me she meant it as much as I do. We have a connection that I can't describe, you know when you just know that something is right? I'm so hurt about all the promises she made and all the things she said recently that made me sure we would be ok. I know she wasn't making them up, I felt they were real. 3 weeks back together, it's like she can only experience the feelings she is having at that moment in time and therefore that must be right, why can't she see through the difficult stuff and give some effort, nothing is ever easy, if something is difficult you just try harder, I could live with this if we'd had a few months of trying. After all we talked about and did over the last month I'm so hurt I have never imagined a future without her in it. I can't stop the tears now, I hope this isn't the longest post ever, I hope someone reads it. Lostboyuk
kittenkit Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Oh my god - that's horrible. She sounds so much like my ex with the being unable to see past how she's feeling at the moment and evaluate things as a whole. I don't think there's anything you can do about it though. She has to sort this out herself. It's awful to watch them throw our relationships away. I feel like I can't help you at the moment because I don't have any answers. They do say though that people who have truly loved once are more likely to find love again, so I don't think you are right to think that you'll never find anyone that you'll love as much as her - you will. I'm sure you'll be OK. Hopefully someone more wise will come along in a minute! Take care
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Thanks kittenkit, I was hoping someone was on here. It's not like me to be doing this kind of thing (male pride or something daft like that!) Just can't believe how weak and instantly lonely I feel all over again! It's the fact that she's broken my heart more than once that's tearing me apart, it's been so good lately I just don't feel like I deserve it.
Leveller Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 We are the same age and I feel for you too. There are no words which will comfort you. Moreover, from what you have written the problem has less to do with you, notwithstanding the external issues which have led you not being on 'top form', and more to do with her - not that I am attributing blame as I think that would be pointless. I think she has to work through her issues. Here in the UK we have an aversion to councelling where our support networks are less formal (e.g. family and friends or on forums such as these) but whatever her's are it would benefit her to tap into them and LISTEN in order to better understand herself and what she wants. I greatly sympathise.
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Thanks leveller, means alot and the good news is your reply didn't make me cry!!! On no here it comes....! I do agree, I have on many occasions tried to gently help her with her issues, even suggested counselling together and/or separately. It really is like she is so tormented by herself she can't even see that she could help herself (denial?). It's such I shame, she is the most wonderful, unique person I ever met. I just want her to be happy with herself.
gaudi Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Your relationship does sound like a complicated one, but hey, they're usually the memorable ones. I reckon the advice about leaving her to it to work through her issues is sound. Not much else you can do about that mate, gotta leave her to it, it hurts I know, most of us are on here because of that pain mate. The ONLY thing to do when you love someone who doesn't know their own feelings is....LET THEM GO !!
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Cheers gaudi Yes somewhat complicated but I just wish that everyone in the world would just relax (especially my GF) and realise nothing has to be complicated, it's only when you let it it becomes so. Just so worried leaving her to it she just won't think that way or refuses to acknowledge her issues. I really hope for her that if nothing else, being with me provides a catalyst to be happy in herself.
gaudi Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Anytime mate. As I posted somewhere else on here recently, all you can do is worry about yourself, let the world take care of everything else. Good luck chief.
Leveller Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Thanks leveller, means alot and the good news is your reply didn't make me cry!!! On no here it comes....! I do agree, I have on many occasions tried to gently help her with her issues, even suggested counselling together and/or separately. It really is like she is so tormented by herself she can't even see that she could help herself (denial?). It's such I shame, she is the most wonderful, unique person I ever met. I just want her to be happy with herself. I'm glad I didn't make you cry (or did I?). Each of us has inner demons, even the most good looking, confident and self-assured but not all of us wants to face them. IME they have to be faced at some point but sometimes it is easier to bury your head in the sand or look for the quick fix/easy option. Not a long-term solution IMO.
hopesndreams Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Sounds as though you were her Exit A. No matter how unhappy someone is in a M, it does not give them the green light to look for a replacement. Looks like you both did that with each other. The foundation for your M with her was built on sand. It can only crumble. You gave more than her. Love her deeply. All fine and good, but as you say, she didn't give back. She was not accepting of your children, something you should have realized from the get go but chose to ignore. She isn't stable mentally and you alone can't help her. She needs to seek help for herself but she is too weak and has most likely moved on to another man.
JL911 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 My ex was the same way...just bottled feelings in then boom exploded with a bunch of BS that happened 4 months ago...It was like every bad thing or everything ive ever done that she didnt like came to surface in one motion... Its not your fault that she was like this...Its not your fault that she couldnt talk out her problems and that you can... Apparently while you were thinking it was all well and good, apparently there were some issues that she was ignoring and putting off, then when the time was right BOOM you get blindsided by some bull**** you knew nothing about. You are not a mind reader, people need to talk out differences...As much as I can say i can relate and know what you are going through, I can honestly say that when you find a person who is able to tell you when something is wrong you will be a lot happier with the honesty.... Its best to grieve and find yourself and move on...It will be ok...
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Sounds as though you were her Exit A. No matter how unhappy someone is in a M, it does not give them the green light to look for a replacement. Looks like you both did that with each other. The foundation for your M with her was built on sand. It can only crumble. You gave more than her. Love her deeply. All fine and good, but as you say, she didn't give back. She was not accepting of your children, something you should have realized from the get go but chose to ignore. She isn't stable mentally and you alone can't help her. She needs to seek help for herself but she is too weak and has most likely moved on to another man. OUCH!!! was looking for support on here but maybe I didn;t explain myself right? It really wasn't about an easy exit for either of us, we did alot of thinking before we made the decision to move away from our exs, it was very difficult. She definitely didn't accept my children but we took that slow at first and by that time were in a year long relationship. I'm new here so please forgive me but suggesting to someone who has just lost their love and best friend that their ex has likely moved onto another man could be quite upsetting and potentially dangerous. If I thought that was the case in a way it would be easier for me to cope with but it is not.
gaudi Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I agree with LOSTBOY here, although your GF sounds confused and has a lot of issues she may need to deal with, I don't think there is any indication been given that she has moved to another guy.
hopesndreams Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 OUCH!!! was looking for support on here but maybe I didn;t explain myself right? It really wasn't about an easy exit for either of us, we did alot of thinking before we made the decision to move away from our exs, it was very difficult. She definitely didn't accept my children but we took that slow at first and by that time were in a year long relationship. I'm new here so please forgive me but suggesting to someone who has just lost their love and best friend that their ex has likely moved onto another man could be quite upsetting and potentially dangerous. If I thought that was the case in a way it would be easier for me to cope with but it is not. It was also very difficult for the betrayed spouses of your marriages but none of that has been mentioned. Hand holding is fine and good and have done my fair share of that on these boards but the reality of your situation is different. It was in the cards! There most likely is another man in the scenario. Read the threads on here and considering she did it once before, with you, she has more than likely done it again. I am sorry you're in pain and my take on it hasn't been pretty and the best thing to do now is move on with your life, without her.
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 It was also very difficult for the betrayed spouses of your marriages but none of that has been mentioned. Hand holding is fine and good and have done my fair share of that on these boards but the reality of your situation is different. It was in the cards! There most likely is another man in the scenario. Read the threads on here and considering she did it once before, with you, she has more than likely done it again. I am sorry you're in pain and my take on it hasn't been pretty and the best thing to do now is move on with your life, without her. Yes it was difficult for them but that is the guilt I had to deal with although my other reasons for leaving were very very sound. I'm still struggling to understand your thought process that allows you to think if she's done it once she'll do it again (I haven't)? I wasn't looking to fight with people on here I just needed help, I'm a complete mess, I've lost the love of my life and my best friend more than once recently, spent Xmas alone and thought this would be a good place to come. fortunately I know that what you suggest isn't the case but there are others on here who may be younger or more fragile than I. I was respectfully aksing you to consider not making people feel worse than they already do.
hopesndreams Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Here is the 180. Follow it as closely as you can and if you screw up, go back to plan. It's the only thing that has a chance of working and if it doesn't, then you will be on your way to living life without her. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Author lostboyuk Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Thank you so much hopesndreams. Reading this it seems I did/didn't do many of the things on the 180 last time but still got her back, think I'm going to give it a try although it still hasn't been 24 hours yet! You know guys it's like when she's away from me she seems to be tough and reminds herself that she now feels clearer and has done the right things. She's even said before over the last few months that when she's with me she feels weak and considers what she's missing. I've thought long and hard about all of this recently and I think one of the problems is that when she talks to family/friends they only see her and/or me being unhappy because that's when you talk about relationship stuff, but what they see much more rarely is all of the great stuff that made us who we are because you just don't declare it all the time. So this leads me to think that she's with her family back home, who are looking after her, caring for her and telling her it will be ok, proud that she's faced up to it, etc. I think this is like a self-reinforcing thing that keeps reminding her why she did this and it's right although with my clearest mind I just can't see it that way and nor can anyone I speak to. One of the hardest things is that I feel that I've done something wrong because of the way she's done this but I haven't. She just phoned me a couple of days after Xmas to tell me it's over! I understand that's her way of dealing with it but it hurts so much to be left alone like this. I have tried so hard to see things differently so I could at least get her perspective but I can't, I know how she felt about me only a week ago, I know I'm not kidding myself, just messing with my brain that 2 people who love each other can't be together because one of them can't see what's staring them in the face! Oh hell, here come the tears again - wheres the kleenex?!
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