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Posted (edited)

We met in Jan. It went very fast. She was in contact every day, pursing me hard and I her but I wanted to pace it casue I have learend that is healthy and helps me see her rather than just how hot she is. She pushed to go faster. Every time I came over she would want to hang out in her bedroom which I thought was odd, give me hand rubs, back rubs.

 

We are both Christian and had said we were commited to waiting till marriage for sex. We had a blast for 57 days. Then she just disappears. Gone. We had kept it casual so I said ok..no problem we can be friends. Occasionaly I get a text from her but a few weeks after getting her break up email saying we have to be friends I just let go.

 

A few months later she just shows up and asks to go out? I say ok so we meet at my place. I ask her what happened, tell her it kind of hurt. She says she has not gotten over her divorce yet and she liked me so much she got scared and backed off. Asks if we can hang out as friends. I say ok. A week later she is wanting to spend every day with me so I say hey if we are going to date lets call it dating. She says ok. This time we date for 58 days. The number thing is weird. This time we become exclusive which she wants and so do I. We take trips are very passionate but stop short of sex and have a great time.

 

Around July I tell her I love her. She looks at me and seems so happy but scared too. Tells me that makes her feel so warm inside. A few days later she leaves the state to visit her best friend. She has had a horrible past and I had been encouraging her to get into councling. She starts seeing a counselor on this trip. But what she told me was going to be a weekend trip turns into a 4 week trip. We talk on the phone and text regularly. When she gets back we go out a few times but she is still distant. Then she sends me an email saying she is breaking up. No talking just an email. I spend a week trying to reach her but no response. Finally I say we should talk and she agrees so I come over thinking I am going to get closure. She then tells me she is in love with me. That the day before she left town she woke up and realized she loved me and had to leave. I am dumbfounded. I ask her what she wants and she tells me "you". I tell her she can't treat me like this again. Break up via email and not explain. We talk about what her counsilor has helped her with and it all sounds legitimate I just tell her if she needs to run or have space that is fine just don't leave me hanging. She seems very happy that we are dating again as a couple and we are telling each other we love each other all the time.

 

This last time is goes 57 days. Wierd. We have a great time. Talk about a future, rings, she asks if we can get married next nov. She seems all in. It is again hot, passionate, fun. We seem to connect on a lot of levels. Last time I see her she is at my place, all over me, happy we are having fun. We have been planning halloween together for a while which is 2 days later. She texts everyday about it. Then on the day of halloween she texts me saying "I know you will be pissed but I have to cancel tonight just feel bad" I ask her if it is emotional or physical she says "I just feel like crap". I am pissed so I just drop it and wait for her to contact me next. 3 days later I get the 3rd break up email.

 

I did not see it coming at all. I am heartbroken but decided I just need to let her go. So I text her,"hey sounds like you are breaking up. Hope you get to the bottom of your issues. I will miss you. Bye" She immediatley responds with an email, "I did not say I wanted to break communication with you, I thought you would want that" ????? I leave it for a few days. Then I write a long letter telling her this feels like the last two times she has broken up, telling her I love her, telling her I have come after her twice but cannot this time. If she wants me back she needs to initatie it as she has broken up."

 

After talking with my counsilor who helps me see she is broken and needs a lot of healing and no matter what I do it will be a while before she can love anyone, I decided to just say goodbye. So I text her "Been praying about us and I agree with you we should not date. Wish you the best. Bye" That night she texts me to ask if she had left her bible at my place.??????? Then a bit later texts me to tell me she she found out the day she broke up with me that she has precancerous cells on her cervix. I am scared for her now so I call and we talk for an hour. At first she seems kind of angry with me but then she won't let me get off the phone. I eventually say goodbye.

 

The next night she contacts me on facebook and is furious with me. ???????? Starts telling me things she has never brought up before. We talk about it. Then she tells me she has been crying everynight, looking at my facebook page every day since she broke up. This is 9 days later. I ask her why she keeps contacting me if she wants me gone? She says I don't want you gone I thought you would want me gone. I say but you broke up with me. She says I know I thought once I broke up with you I thought you would never want to see me again. She says I know I am a nutcase.... I have no idea what she means. I tell her I have come after her twice but she will have to come after me if she wants anything to change. She says I will. I just can't right now. ?????

 

During our dating I had asked her a couple of times to put herself up as in a relationship with me on face book which she never did. A week after our facebook chat I am online at 11pm and see she has put up she is in a relationship. That cuts my heart out. at 2 am I put up a quote about betrayal under my face book pic so the only way she would see it is if she goes to my page. I wake up at 6 am and she has defriended me. So sometime between 2 and 6 am she defreinds me? If she did not want me to see she was in a relationship why not defriend me then change her status to in a relationship.

 

A week later the guy she is now dating has a pic of him and her on halloween night going out. The night she cancelled on me. There is also a pic of him at her place back in Feb when we were casual. I checked his facebook status on her page before she she defriended me. They had like a two year status of freindship. In all the comments there was no sign of romance just freindship but now he is shouting from the rooftop that he has her. I feel devistated. So she clearly lied to me about halloween, she cheated on me by blowing off our date and going out with him, and now she is in a relationship with him.

 

Then a week ago she sends me a long email after I have not contacted her for 2 weeks telling me how great I look and how happy she is that I am doing great. She tells me about her thanksgiving in a way that lets me know she did not spend it with her new guy and talks about some painful things in her family and then closes again with how happy she is that I am doing so great and looking so great. She sees this on my web page.

 

I have not sent her anything since discovering the pics of her and the new guy so 4 days ago I send her a letter telling her how betrayed I feel and hurt and angry. I tell her I hope she gets help. I say "Bye. Please never contact me again." I have not made any contact since then. The whole face book conversation, which she initated, about missing me and wanting me and planning to come after me happened 9 days into her new relationship. Why would she do that? The face book thing just feels angry like she wanted me to see.

 

Also it seems everytime I walk away she starts to try to hook me back. Like she wants me to come and get her again even though she is with another guy. I felt this same thing the last two times she broke up. I just feel so hurt. I love her deeply but how can I give her another chance? Seems she is a liar and a cheat. Would I not be a fool to ever trust her again? I miss her so much and am hurting so bad but feel I can't trust her and need to ignore her even though if her pattern persists she will probably contact me again.

 

It is like she breaks up only to get me to come after her but wants to be freinds so that we can slide into a realtionship a week later. I would be greateful for interpretation of what feels to me like a crazy situation. Will she contact me again even though I have told her not to? I would like confirmation that this person is someone I need to stay away from.

Edited by Artist
Posted

Hi Artist--

I'm a man, not a lady, but I am in a similar situation as your own at this moment. That is, my own ex broke up and wants to be friends, but keeps sending all the mixed signals, "Miss You/Love You" e-mails, etc.

 

Judging from the patterns you described, chances are good your ex will contact you again. I don't know her but judging from what you posted about her, it sounds like she is someone who is consumed by her emotional/life issues and is struggling to provide an honest, committed relationship to herself, let alone anyone else. I'm guessing the new guy in her life will sooner or later get the same treatment you have.

 

These games she's playing serve no other purpose than to keep you in her life as the back-up guy, to soothe her guilt over the break-up, or to give her something to hold on to. It could also be the case that she draws energy from being in a multitude of relationships because it could give her a sense of control. Or any combination of the above. Again, I don't know her, so I can't be exactly sure. Whatever the reason, she doesn't want to let you go and is hijacking your healing process, overriding your boundaries, and refusing to let you find closure. She is also in full control of the "friendship."

 

Right now you need to focus on yourself and your own boundaries so your heart can heal. Keep your focus on healing your own heart and mind and get all of this out of your mind. If she wants to talk about the cancer scare or anything else in her life, she knows where to find you. NC would definitely be the sensible thing to do, but if you feel you need to be there for her as a friend, you could try LC (Limited contact) and do something like not respond to anything she has to say (i.e. the "Miss you" e-mails and SMSes) except the most essential communication (i.e. anything regarding the cancer scare or her own healing process). Otherwise, if you let this go on, you're going to be in a very serious world of hurt yourself. These games she's playing can take a very serious toll on your mental and spiritual well-being.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and good luck.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your reply. Even though she ended it it felt really good to send the last email " bye. Please never contact me again" it was hard because I figured that would end it but it also felt like I could finally start healing. How do you think that cutting her off affected her? Would it make her angry, sad or since she was just using me not affect her at all?

Posted

Sure no problem at all. In all honesty, I think only she knows the answer to that question. She probably was hurt at least to some degree, but it's hard to tell how deeply or in what way. Only time will tell.

 

But yeah, that goodbye e-mail is when your healing process began and that's what's most important right now. She's the one who broke up with you and she's the one who has to deal with it if you decide to move on with your life.

  • Author
Posted

If she contacts me and I go low contact will I heal

just as fast as if I go nc? I heard someone on here say that going nc takes longer to heal. That does not seem to make sense.

Posted

Hmmm...it does make sense that some people may take a longer time healing by NC than others. The compulsion to check our e-mail to see if there are any new messages from the ex and to get in touch with them can be very strong after a break-up. In addition, the depression we feel during those times of the night when they used to be there beside us but aren't anymore can be very intense. This could make NC very difficult for some people and the chances of getting back at least some tiny pieces of what they once had could cause them to break it altogether.

 

As for you, if you feel as if you need to be there for her as a friend in regards to the issues she's facing in her life, you can give LC a try. However, as hard as it may be, I'd put the hopes of reconciliation out of my mind and focus on being there as a listening ear. Again, it all depends on how you feel and if you feel you can't be there for her as a friend or she keeps deliberately pushing your personal boundaries as a way of keeping a foothold in your life, then I'd go for NC.

  • Author
Posted

Ok. Well I guess for now the reality is that my heart wants her to come back to me but my head is telling me there is no way I can date her anytime, probably for years. If she stays in therapy and grows to a point where relationship is possible I'd like to be on her life as a friend so that it might be us. But I think I could only do this if I was really completely over her and enjoying other relationships. In which case I would probably not even be writing this post but saying to myself, "Why the hell would u want a relationship with her?" I guess the main thing for me is I want to heal as quickly as possible. Once I am over her I think I will know if I want to be a friend to her or not and also will be able to. So I am wondering if NC might get me there faster or if LC is just as fast then I could do that. We dated about 6 months. Any idea how long it takes to get over someone?

Posted

I think the clue to her strange behaviors lies in her troubled past. You have not given details, so one can only speculate. She sounds very emotionally manipulative and sounds like she likes to string guys along. She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder the way she behaves.

 

Now, as far as this cervical cancer thing. You know that this is from HPV which is a sexually transmitted virus? Even if the precancer cells are removed during colposcopy, she can still shed the virus to her partner...so if she became your partner, she could give you a little gift that keeps on giving...

  • Author
Posted

Yes. She told me the doc told her it was not from HPV which was a good thing. Meaning it was a less dangerous form of cancer cell. But after all that has happened I would not put much faith in what she has said. We did have oral sex once so I may be infected and need to get tested. Her past sounds horrible. I am betting she was sexually abused by her father. Her mother was checked out and allowed all kinds of horrible things to happen to the kids..did not protect them. Her dad was Killed when she was 16, her brother murdered when she was 18. Her stepfather kidnapped her and tried to force her to marry her and her husband, now her ex raped and tortured her. She has no job and lives with Mom.

Posted (edited)

Those are some very horrible issues she's facing in her life Artist. I'm not sure what to say, but with all those issues in both her past and present it's easy to see why she's so disturbed. Rape, kidnapping, murder of family members. Very, very sad....

 

The best thing you can do for her now is to pray for her and pray she finds peace in her life and the ability to make a good life for herself. This is the best gift you can offer her as a friend or as a lover. I know some people out there might disagree due to differences in faith or whatever, but a prayer can go so much farther than human words can ever travel and she needs all the prayers she can get right now.

Edited by blackbear_703
elaborated a little more
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