thedreg Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) Ive been with her for 3 years. both in our later 20s. I did everything i thought was right, i was never unkind, never cheated or even flirted with another woman. I helped her with house work and repairs, cooked for her , took her out, and gave back rubs. We had been recently having problems, but she told me that she wanted to work on it and move forward. the problem: About a year ago i got laid off at a pretty well paying job, it took about 10 months to find a job that even paid the same as unemployment. She said during this time she gradually started losing respect for me, " a girl needs stability and to be taken care of". Which i totally understand that's what a woman needs if she is thinking about marrying someone. During my unemployment our sex life pretty much died which i took as a sign that somehting was wrong, i would try to talk with her but every time she would insist it was the stress of work, school etc. i beleived her and was supportive and didnt push the issue. she recently laid the no respect thing on me, like less than 2 weeks ago, it was a shock at the time but i was willing to work and redeem myself. im working now, im no longer down because of being unemployed. last night, after what i thought was a pretty good date, (we laughed and got along great, and even made out before we left; which i took as a good sign) she told me that she had been trying to get those feeling of respect back but was unable and didn't feel it was right to fake it, and that she couldn't fake it anymore. i was/am crushed. i love her so much. she said she loved me, but she doesn't have the feelings a wife should have for a husband. this is my issue. in the 1st year and a half together she was distant and not interested in marrige due to a divorce. the last bit i was out of work and not able to provide. to me we've never worked together with the goal in mind of marriage. but she says shes tried. but i didn't know she was trying, to her trying was not dumping me when i hit a rough patch. now that things are back on track for me, i want to try but she doesn't. she says she still loves me and that her romantic feelings aren't completely gone. i told her that i wanted to work TOGETHER at least to see if there's a chance so we don't throw away 3 years and a relationship that she agreed was really good before my unemployment. she said she cant. i could see it in her eyes, there's still something there. i just need help to understand her thinking, to me those feelings she lost have to be developed and nurtured, they aren't magic. and help from women who have a similar thought process would be greatly appreciated. Edited December 13, 2009 by thedreg Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Do you really want to be with someone that could so easily lose her feelings for you just because you lost your job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thedreg Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 it wasn't just the job loss, i became a more depressed and withdrawn version of myself. im a quiet shy guy to begin with. so i understand why her feelings would change, i wasn't the same person i was and have newly become since i got back on my feet. but she says its too late. FYI don't listen to Ryan Adams when your girl dumps you. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 thedreg. She is materialistic. plain and simple. And don't go defending her because that is exactly what your post was. Defending her thinking the whole way through. Life is not a big bowl of cherries where everything goes 101% correct and on schedule. No, life throws you so many curve balls,snowballs and water balloons that it's hard for us to dodge them all. Sometimes we have to take the hit, fall down, get up and keep it moving. Soooo, if you guys get back together and God forbid you get layed off or lose income in whatever kind of way, how confident are you that she won't leave you AGAIN? Keep working hard at your job for YOU and give some space between you and her. Hopefully you will meet a woman who will love and stand by you through the thick and the thin...not count how many nickels you have left in your pocket. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 thedreg. She is materialistic. plain and simple. And don't go defending her because that is exactly what your post was. Defending her thinking the whole way through. Life is not a big bowl of cherries where everything goes 101% correct and on schedule. No, life throws you so many curve balls,snowballs and water balloons that it's hard for us to dodge them all. Sometimes we have to take the hit, fall down, get up and keep it moving. Soooo, if you guys get back together and God forbid you get layed off or lose income in whatever kind of way, how confident are you that she won't leave you AGAIN? Keep working hard at your job for YOU and give some space between you and her. Hopefully you will meet a woman who will love and stand by you through the thick and the thin...not count how many nickels you have left in your pocket. Spot on. She said it herself "a girl needs stability and to be taken care of". That's how she really thinks, stop blaming yourself and see this for what it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Justburself Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Look bud, I know you asked for a womens input but I still felt the need to comment on your thread after reading it. Man up! I'm sorry if that sounds rude.. But, I too was left by my love of 6yrs during my short unemployment. These woman are doing us both a favor bud. This is not a gender thing, it's a heart thing. Stability is the reason? How about all the years you were bringing in the bacon? We were at our lowest and the one person that should of had our backs, left.. Mine left for my so called best friend. Not to mention we were engaged. These types of people make us stronger. Go NC immediately if you already haven't. Show her and yourself, that you don't need her or anyone else that is not going to appreciate all you are bud. I agree with the ladies above that she seems shallow. A down woman will be by your side through it all. Life has it's up-n-downs learn from both. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I'm actually surprised to see the two women in this thread taking his side. Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I'm actually surprised to see the two women in this thread taking his side. Woggle, I didn't think anything could surprise you. I thought you had seen it all. I don't always agree with what you say, but at least you take the time to think about things. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Woggle, I didn't think anything could surprise you. I thought you had seen it all. I don't always agree with what you say, but at least you take the time to think about things. I came into this thread expecting a bunch of women to rip him apart and sympathize with his GF but to me surprise they had his back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thedreg Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Justburself: no i don't take it rude. i get it, i've gone NC since she dumped me, just yesterday mind you,but if we ever talk again it will be initiated by her, thing is i know she will. she will get bored or lonely. and she didn't cheat on me, she was thinking of a future with me, the man takes care of the woman, and for almost 1/3 of our relationship i was unemployed. im not defending her , im just saying i understand. my mind is telling me the same logic everyone on here has told me, but my heart is another thing. i cant just forget or stop what i feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Justburself Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 The grass always looks greener than they get over there and it's Astro-Turf.. The guys I know with the money ARE ALWAYS THE BIGGEST AHOLES.. They know that because they have money they can always get the honey. It's really good to hear your already NC. It sounds like your a solid guy with a good heart. It's going to be a long road bud, but you will get through this. First love? Maybe your first of many. Show her despite your current finanicial struggles that you will come out on the other end much richer in strength from this experiance. Make it a principal.. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) your not going to for a while, and it sucks. Go NC do all the thinks you need to along, exercise, eating well, hanging with friends and family, trying new things, journalng ,ect and in time it will get better. Edited December 13, 2009 by GrayClouds Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Sorry. But you needed tough love. Don't go back to this girl. Let her learn that love is not about dollar signs. It's about going through the tough times together without giving up. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Just out of curiosity (because my ex left me for a similar reason [among other things]), would you give it another go if she comes running back once you land back on your feet? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I came into this thread expecting a bunch of women to rip him apart and sympathize with his GF but to me surprise they had his back. You mean how if the OP was a female you would accuse them of freeloading and saying their now ex had every right to get rid of them? Yeah. The rest of us don't even consider gender to be an issue when replying to posts. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 You mean how if the OP was a female you would accuse them of freeloading and saying their now ex had every right to get rid of them? Yeah. The rest of us don't even consider gender to be an issue when replying to posts. Are you implying that there is a bitter gender-bias going on here? Because... I certainly think a lot of us recent dumpees (myself included) are still very bitter and have yet to get our heads out of our asses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thedreg Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Just out of curiosity (because my ex left me for a similar reason [among other things]), would you give it another go if she comes running back once you land back on your feet? thats where im out now, she does love me. i feel like i could be faced with this, and i would be open to it, but she would have to prove to me that this is what she wants an that im not some pastime from loneliness or bordom. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 thats where im out now, she does love me. i feel like i could be faced with this, and i would be open to it, but she would have to prove to me that this is what she wants an that im not some pastime from loneliness or bordom. and what would that proof look like? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Are you implying that there is a bitter gender-bias going on here? Because... I certainly think a lot of us recent dumpees (myself included) are still very bitter and have yet to get our heads out of our asses. Just from Woggle, I was not directing that at anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
jlr Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Dude, I know you wanted female opinions, but I had to say something. That's awful. She doesn't know what love is all about. She has some skewed fairy tale view of it all. She lost respect for you because you got layed off and got depressed about it? Real supportive. Life has it's ups and downs, people in love help each other through them, not judge the other or lose respect for them during hard times. She's a cold person, and you can do better. Plus, what is this, 1950? Maybe you should tell her you lost respect for her for not being able to help out and pitch in. Geezus. Sure you could score an awesome job now, totally turn it around, and she comes back because she gains respect again. But, what if that job fails, and you are down on your luck again. You'll have this pressure forever. She never had respect for YOU, she had respect for whatever idea of who you should be in her head. She was in "love" with some 1950's Donna Reed version of marriage. A person who really loves you wouldn't do that to you man. Link to post Share on other sites
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