I know I did the right thing, but I can't get over him... any ideas?

December 12, 2009

Nearly a year ago, I was five months into having my first full time job out of college and living on the other side of the world, thousands of miles from any family and friends. I met a man through mutual friends. I was told from the start that he had a girlfriend who was moving out to be with him soon. So I put him out of my mind. From the very beginning, I was very attracted to him, but I knew he had a girlfriend. He's in his late 30s. I was 23. It was a small town, so any new person is really well known, and he has a powerful job so most people knew him. Many girls threw themselves at him, and he enjoys flirting. He'll flirt with anybody. Several girls thought something would happen between him and them.

I didn't think this. I talked to him some when our paths cross, but nothing too big. I'm very inexperienced, never had a bf or had sex. I'm not a big flirter, but I think it comes across that I have this attitude of "I dont need a guy," "I'm independent," etc.

One weekend he invited me to dinner. At dinner he talked about his girlfriend briefly, so I knew we were going to be just friends. However, we ended up spending the rest of the weekend together and hooked up. No sex, I stopped him but it would have gone there. I honestly had nooo idea it would happen. He came on to me at one moment and I just let loose and did what I wanted to do. I did not, however, have sex with him. That was the line I drew. Once his girlfriend arrived, I thought he'd forget about me. He didn't. He kept calling and emailing me and since it's a small town we continued to always see each other. I fell for him. He's very charming, smart, well-educated, has money, ambitious, well-traveled and very handsome. Plus, I've never had someone look at me the way he looked at me.

It was very, very hard for me to see him with his girlfriend, especially since she's around my age. I felt like she was the lucky one. However, on paper that doesn't seem to be the case: She left her family and her career goals to move to be with him and be a stay at home girlfriend for the next several years. I asked him once (before the girlfriend came out) if they were going to get married, he said his girlfriend has nagged him about it and that's why he invited her to move with him and live with him, but he'll be a lifelong bachelor, he said. They've been together five years and he is her first boyfriend.

I moved back home for a job, partly because of that situation and partly because it was just time for me to return to be closer to family. We emailed a few times, trying to be friends. A few months ago it got heated...the emails became very, very sexual in nature. He was going to fly across the world (no joke) to come visit me. Yes, it would have been just for sex. Part of me, I think, was trying to see how far he'd go to be with me. I almost wanted to test him. but once he said he was trying to find time to come out to see me and was looking at his calendar, it freaked me out. I knew I couldnt have sex with him, and I knew it was wrong that he was just going to leave his gf there while he came out to see me. Then, he didn't respond to me for about a month. So I wrote him a long email laying everything out and telling him not to respond and not to contact me anymore.

I haven't talked to him since then. However, I keep thinking about him AND his girlfriend. I'm jealous of her, even thought deep down I know I shouldn't be. She even told me one time (yes, small town we met) that she was jealous how much I get to travel and just get to live my life how I want. I also know he doesn't want to get married and have kids and she does, she's given up her dreams to be with him (something she told me) and he was willing to come see me and leave her alone. But he does provide for her and they have fun together. I KNOW deep down he's a loser. I know that, but for some reason I can't get it totally through my head and I find myself jealous of her and thinking what it would have been like if I had been able to really be with him, or if I had just let him come visit me and we'd slept together. I think about how I want to be in her shoes and trade places with her.

But as much as I'm hurting now and constantly thinking about him, I know I'd be hurting even more if I lost my virginity to him. It's hard because EVERYONE thinks he's this great guy because he's very charming and very good at what he does. Very few people know about us and what we did and that he was going to come see me. I want to just SCREAM to everyone this is the guy he is! But I dont. I know I need to get over him, but although I'm no longer in the same town, I still keep in contact with mutual friends who talk about him all the time, not to mention there is facebook where I can see his girlfriend on it (he doesn't have one) and I get to see what all they do together and the fun they have.

Is there anything I can do to get over this? I've never had such a hard time forgetting about a guy. Everything about him and my time at that job and my life at that point are all intertwined and I can't separate one from the other. Part of me wants to just talk to him one more time and get it all over with, but I know I'm probably long out of his mind. he forgot about me once I stopped emailing him.

Why can't I seem to get over him?

December 12, 2009

if he really wanted you over her - he would move mountains to make sure it happened.

he did this to be with the gal he's with now... and still was toying with you behind her back...

what would you feel like if you were in her position? i doubt you would want that in the end.

he's willing to openly flirt and cheat on the woman he's with - that's no prize.

December 12, 2009

I find myself jealous of her and thinking what it would have been like if I had been able to really be with him, or if I had just let him come visit me and we'd slept together. I think about how I want to be in her shoes and trade places with her.

When you think about trading places with her, do you think about how you'd be the one he cheats on? That you'd be the one giving up her dreams in order to bet with a guy who does not share your dreams but will just keep you around, cheat on you, and eventually dump you for someone else?

Do you think about how he seems to have a pattern of pursuing young, inexperienced girls who have never had a bf...you and his current gf both fit that pattern, and so will his next gf whom he will also cheat on. Believe me, you are not the first girl he's tried cheating with and you won't be the last. That's what he does. And always will. Old dogs...

There are a lot of great men out there. He isn't one of them. You will get over him much quicker if you open your eyes and realize he's an ass and start noticing the good guys around you. Meet new people and he'll fade away into a bad memory.

December 12, 2009

When you think about trading places with her, do you think about how you'd be the one he cheats on? That you'd be the one giving up her dreams in order to bet with a guy who does not share your dreams but will just keep you around, cheat on you, and eventually dump you for someone else?

Do you think about how he seems to have a pattern of pursuing young, inexperienced girls who have never had a bf...you and his current gf both fit that pattern, and so will his next gf whom he will also cheat on. Believe me, you are not the first girl he's tried cheating with and you won't be the last. That's what he does. And always will. Old dogs...

There are a lot of great men out there. He isn't one of them. You will get over him much quicker if you open your eyes and realize he's an ass and start noticing the good guys around you. Meet new people and he'll fade away into a bad memory.

As stupid as this is, and I know it's stupid, part of me thinks it would be different with him. Although I'm inexperienced, I am much more independent than his girlfriend, more adventurous, passionate about my work, etc. A lot like him. So I feel I'd "connect" with him better. But deep down I know that's not the case and I'd get even more frustrated with him because I do have those goals and dreams.

Yeah, I did think about the fact that we are both young and inexperienced (compared to him, at least).

If I were to just read this or hear about him I'd think he's an ass. When i read over the post he sounds like an ass. but it' so different in person. Plus, like I said, everyone thinks he's this great, amazing guy. It's hard not to buy into it. And I cant tell most of our mutual friends...that would just cause more problems.

Another thing that makes me mad is the fact that not only did he not think about hurting her, but he didn't think about how he was hurting me! And he is very, very lucky I have kept my mouth shut. I could make his life very miserable by simply sending out some of the emails he sent me. It's almost like he knew which girl to pursue. Some of the girls that were threwing themselves at him, if he had hooked up with them, I know they would have told his girlfriend once she arrived. I chose not to do that because I know that wouldn't hekp anything.

I guess I hate that I'm still hurting while he's more than likely not feeling anything and I didnt even want or plan or push for anything to happen!

December 12, 2009

It's almost like he knew which girl to pursue.

Of course he did. He's done this before. He knows exactly how to cull the weak ones from the herd.

Not that you're weak, but you are young and inexperienced. You don't yet know that it's the very charming are the ones you really have to look out for because they are weasels on the inside. He told you upfront he had a girlfriend, and you hooked up with him for the weekend! He didn't even need to lie to you - you were ripe for the picking.

But, you were strong enough to stop it, and you should feel good about that, and forget him and never look back. Dude was hoping to take advantage of you, cheat on his gf, and then go back to her once he tired of you so he could then find his next victim - don't lose sight of that.

December 12, 2009

Of course he did. He's done this before. He knows exactly how to cull the weak ones from the herd.

Not that you're weak, but you are young and inexperienced. You don't yet know that it's the very charming are the ones you really have to look out for because they are weasels on the inside. He told you upfront he had a girlfriend, and you hooked up with him for the weekend! He didn't even need to lie to you - you were ripe for the picking.

But, you were strong enough to stop it, and you should feel good about that, and forget him and never look back. Dude was hoping to take advantage of you, cheat on his gf, and then go back to her once he tired of you so he could then find his next victim - don't lose sight of that.

from the start I saw how charming he was and how he flirted with all the girls. When we went to dinner the first night he was totally checking out other girls the whole time and I flat out said it was rude that he was doing that. I took him off guard. I didn't want anything to happen and I didn't flirt or really pursue him at all because I DID see he was that type of charmer who always has tons of girls around him. I dont want to have to fight other girls for a guy, especially one that isn't even available. So that's why, while other girls were all over him, I was always just doing my thing. But he still came after me. And during that weekend he tried to cross the line several times and I didn't, until the last day. I just don't understand why guys like that don't go for the more experienced girls.

Yes, both me and his gf are inexperienced. And although their relationships isn't great, she has the best relationship of anyone with him. Why did he choose me to just be his little play thing and her be the one he chose as his girlfriend?

He liked that I was young and inexperienced, etc, but then he wanted to just use me for sex? Why didn't he go for one of the girls who is used to and OK with just sleeping around?

December 12, 2009

Lots of girls will already know exactly what type of guy he us because he'll have hooked up with a lot of them. I bet he is lying about his situation with his girlfriend as has probably promised her M and kids. It'd be no different if you became his girlfriend-he'd make you give up your work and stay at home, then cheat on you as well! I get how much you love the charming act and thr attention but remember a wonderful single guy who is honest and sweet will one day be just as charming, without all the bad stuff, and he won't try to manipulate you or lie or be a cheater or anything else! When this guy comes along look back on this loser and wow, you will love that you had a lucky escape! The guy is no catch, believe me...

Oh plus that comment you made about 'why is she the girlfriend and why am I the plaything' is exactly why he pursued you-your need for validation, to win the competition in the sense that you want to be the 'special' one he chooses....learn why that behavior us wrong and you'll sidestep all douchebags like him. Perpetuate the behavior and you'll end up with a lot of playas...

Edited December 12, 2009 by torranceshipman

December 12, 2009

You would just be another in a long line of vagina's. Is that what you envisioned for your future? If not, find out what life really has to offer and thank God you were smart enough not to step into the rat hole.

December 12, 2009

Thank you for all the replies!

I always prided myself on thinking I knew what sort of guys to look out for and that I'd never be the one to fall for a guy like this, but I guess I was wrong. I'm just glad I didn't sleep with him. Once he found out I was a virgin he said he didn't want to hurt me and thats when we decided to just be friends. But then he kept calling and emailing and I know the fact that I was a virgin intrigued him. I think it's interesting that he was so intrigued by the fact I'm a virgin, because I'm 99 percent sure his current gf was a virgin when they met too.

I dont want to say what job he has, but its one that you think would make him be on the up and up, and he has this personality where everyone thinks he's an amazing guy. It's so hard to sit back and watch people (guys and girls) drool over him, basically.

It finally hit me that although it might have seemed otherwise at times, I really was just something for him to play with. I feel sooo stupid for falling for him, though, and letting him have such a hold over me and affecting my time while there and even to this day.

Part of me almost wants to say something to his gf, but I know that would probably be bad. She needs to come to the conclusion on her own. I think, deep down, she already knows what sort of guy he is and that there really is no future for them (or not the future she has in mind).

December 13, 2009

He is nothing but a player.

You played hard to get; he wanted to "get". That is what his life is about - conquests; notches on the bed post.

It would NOT be different with you. I Know you think differently, but from what you have said about this loser, thank your lucky stars that you didn't get more involved with him.

You say you are very inexperienced -- take it from those of us who are experienced -- you dodged a bullet. You will get over him. Don't contact him anymore, don't continue to let him control your thoughts and actions.

Get out and date. Start getting involved in things you want to do.

He is no prize -- no matter what you think. He is a cheater. He has little morals. He doesn't care who he hurts.

January 10, 2010

So, for the last month or so I've done a really good job not really thinking about the guy. Unfortunately, something has come up that is tearing me up inside.

We have a mutual friend who is in her mid-40s. She was ALWAYS flirting with him and throwing herself at him. He flirted and played along but nothing every happened. I know this because she would haev told me. Shes a huge gossip, so I never told her about me and him. She's recently divorced and has been sleeping around and dresses pretty slutty. I asked him one time if thats appealing and he said," she doesn't do it for me."

SHe moved away a few months ago but was homesick so it moving back to the town.

Well, after I wrote him the email saying never to contact me, he's been contacting her a lot more. Shes moving back to the town and I worry theyre going to hook up. Why I'm worried? I dont know. if they do itll just prove what an a**hole he is. She showed me the emails theyve been having once she told him she's returning. He he cant wait to see her. He was also going to be doing some business in the place she had been living, and he said he wishes they had had a chance to hang out while he was there. (But they never hung out while they were living in the same town). I know it he hooks up with it'll prove that it was just the conquest that meant anything. Hearing he was contacting her more makes me think that once I shot him down he needed to feel some validation and have someone drool over him, so he started talking to her.

Since she moved away they couldnt really do much (although he goes there for work a lot), but now that shes moving back to they can. Which isnt to say he hasnt hooked up with others, but I dont know about it. This woman deosnt know about me and him and I cant tell her b/c shes a HUGE gossip. So I fear that shes going to move back, hes going to play the charmer and hook up with her and tell me all about it. Even if they dont, shes going to flirt with him and tell me all about it. She ALWAYS talks about him. Any ideas on how to not let this bother me?

January 10, 2010

Wow, this is hard, and I understand completely....how to get him out of your mind and move on, this is a good one.

I got all of the great advice in the world, mainly from this forum, did all of the right stuff that they (self help books) said to do, everything an average educated person would do and yet nothing was working.

I am sitting here racking my brain because I know what you are going through.

The stupid thing for me is is that know he isn't "Mr. Right" and is not right for me still is not enough.

Pinch yourself everytime you think about him....

Edited January 10, 2010 by pureinheart

January 10, 2010

if he really wanted you over her - he would move mountains to make sure it happened.

he did this to be with the gal he's with now... and still was toying with you behind her back...

what would you feel like if you were in her position? i doubt you would want that in the end.

he's willing to openly flirt and cheat on the woman he's with - that's no prize.

2S, I don't see this in writing too much (what is in bold)....but this separates the truth from the lies.

January 10, 2010

I thought you wrote an email telling him never to contact you again. Have you restablished contact with this "playa"???

January 10, 2010

Sounds to me like a narcissist. Just by the things you have written. Maybe look into this a little further- maybe by some reading and if he fits the description, well, run and keep running.

January 10, 2010

I thought you wrote an email telling him never to contact you again. Have you restablished contact with this "playa"???

No, I haven't had anything to do with him since I wrote him the email not to contact me. That was a few months ago, and I feel like I have really come a long way in not thinking about him. I feel myself thinking about him less and less all the time and feeling very far removed from him. If I find myself thinking about the situation now, it's usually just because I feel so stupid for falling for him and his lies and charm.

BUT once my friend started talking about him and she told me what he was saying and sent me the emails they were exchanging (all stuff she started talking to me about without me asking anything), it got me thinking about him more, and is making me angry, sad, upset, frustrated, hurt and wanting to tell my friend AND the guy's girlfriend everything. Why do I care if he hooks up with a mutual friend who sleeps around and who he once said "didn't do it for him?" Just goes to show what a player he is. And when I stop and think about it, thats what I think about: player.

But for a bit every time I think about it and the fact that they probably will sleep together, it upsets me SOOOO much.

I'm not thinking about him the same way...as in I want to be with him and I'm jealous of his gf. I'm not thinking that way at all now. Now I'm flat out angry and hurt, I must add.

January 10, 2010

Sounds to me like a narcissist. Just by the things you have written. Maybe look into this a little further- maybe by some reading and if he fits the description, well, run and keep running.

Yes, I did some reading up on narcissist, and I do believe he is one. Well, in some ways, but in others I'm not so sure. He fits some of the qualities, but in other ways he doesn't.

The problem is...NO ONE else sees this. They all think he's some great upstanding amazing guy.

January 10, 2010

You need to ask yourself this..How much of this upset you, makes you angry because 1)it hurts your heart or 2)it hurts your ego..Or is it abit of both?

Keep things in perspective. You emailed him, ended it and there's been NC. It's over, you have grieved, were on the way of healing... Now, this gossipy friend of yours has sucked you into drama..HER drama about him. What does it have to do with you? Nothing. Unless you want it to be. Honestly I would back off of her, I mean, if this guy is as selfish and possibly an N, there's a good chance he's gonna mention to her that you and he hooked up.

Since you ended it, and the fact he has a girlfriend anyway, work on distancing yourself from this whole situation. If he chooses to chase your friend or anyone else, there's not much you can do to stop him.. Try to make yourself care less. Be indifferent.. He isn't worth all this heartache and I really hope you haven't shed any tears over him now hearing this latest news of him flirting with gossip girl.

January 10, 2010

Yes, I did some reading up on narcissist, and I do believe he is one. Well, in some ways, but in others I'm not so sure. He fits some of the qualities, but in other ways he doesn't.

The problem is...NO ONE else sees this. They all think he's some great upstanding amazing guy.

Well, it is not your job to cue in the whole world about his pathology. This world is "buyer beware" and a brutal place for all of us, and God doesn't seem to care much about warning good people about bad people, so don't try to do His job either. Exhausting! Just take care of yourself and heal from this...

January 10, 2010

Yes, I did some reading up on narcissist, and I do believe he is one. Well, in some ways, but in others I'm not so sure. He fits some of the qualities, but in other ways he doesn't.

The problem is...NO ONE else sees this. They all think he's some great upstanding amazing guy.

That's exactly what a narcissist wants to achieve!! Everyone thinking he's a great person.....Only few people know his true character. And now that you know.... Walk away. He will never change and it's not YOUR job to make others realize what he is. Don't let this get to you. Just know that anyone that does get involved with him will find out sooner or later. Hopefully by then you would have met a nice single guy and forgotten all about him.

April 11, 2010

So, I know its been awhile, but I thought I'd just let everyone know that you were all right. I havent been in contact with him, but through the grapevine I heard that he started sleeping with another girl. He told her that his relationship was rocky with his gf and theyd only been together three years (In reality, its six). The girl happened to befriend his gf. Once the girl realized the gf was happy in the relationship she tried to cut it off. The guy refused and kept trying to get with her. The girl finally told his gf everything.

Also, he's apparently forcefully kissed two women, one of whom is in a relationship. Both the women told his gf.

It's now going around town what an a**hole he is. She was going to leave him, but they had a "long talk," where he broke down, said he'd change, and that he loved her and begged her to stay. She, as of now, is going to try to give it a shot. She blames herself. She is now apparently not eating, because she thinks she's fat and is getting her hair redone, buying new makeup and sexy clothes, etc. In fact, his gf is BEAUTIFUL! One of the most gorgeous girls I've seen! The girl the guy slept with, however, is not. And I'm honestly not just saying that. I can admit that his gf is very pretty, and some of the other girls I wondered about with him are very pretty, but this one is not!

His gf was going to leave, but after they had their talk she has told her friends that she can't see herself loving anyone else! I know he doesn't love her, he's more scared of her leaving him and his reputation going down the tubes even more. He's apparently really embarrassed that so many people know about what he's done.

Now I know he's been doing this for years (decades, I imagine) but never got caught because he never lived in a small enough place where all the girls would meet each other and become friends (as they all have until she learned the truth).

What's worse is that this guy is a federal agent, so everyone trusts him, thinking he's a great guy, but he's forcing himself on women! I can't say when we were together I wasn't into it, but I did have to stop him from having sex with me three times...he kept trying and I finally pushed him away. I think he has serious issues with females.

Anyway, I thought I'd share. I am happy that I was ultimately smart with all this and didn't lose my virginity to him or anything, but I still feel soooo stupid for being so hung up on him and thinking I was different in some way.

BUT I'm actually in a relationship right now. It's new, but the guy seems great! I told him about this whole thing and he made the observation that every relationship is a learning experience, so if nothing else, I learned from it. That made me feel a little better, but I still do feel stupid and embarrassed at how I fell for him so hard.

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I know I did the right thing, but I can't get over him... any ideas?

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