tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 ok so the other day I posted about this younger dude at my work that seems to be crushing on me lately...and I have to admit I like it! is that wrong? it started off as "innocent flirting" but it's obvious there is an attraction building and in fact he confessed to me that he thinks about me "like that" and that he's attracted to me and all that. I think he is a way cool dude and I really like hanging out with him. Yesterday we spent the whole day together snowboarding and it was fun. On the drive home (an hour and a half) we were able to talk about our "stuff"... where we are at and what we want. He basically wanted me to know again that he was attracted to me but said there's no pressure. I told him that I'm kind of figuring out what I want still.. but told him I can't do the friends with benefits things (I'm not wired that way) and I tend to get attached etc... also that I still have some unresolved feelings about the last guy I was with, but want to be ready to move on. He was very sweet and listened to everything I had to say... he seems to get me and it's nice. It's weird because I don't feel like I want to "classify" what we have... I feel a closeness with him but don't want to say we are "just friends". On the other hand, I can't see him as ever being my "boyfriend" either. So is it selfish of me that I like the attention he gives me and it's fun to flirt back... but that I'm still not sure if I want anythng more with him? I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to completely reject him either... do I really have to decide anything now?
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Its VERY selfish of you to keep him in limbo while you decide-because you like the attention. Because now you really are leading him on. Why not do the right thing, and stay away from him until you decide, give him a chance to see if another woman comes along that might really like him?
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Think less and snowboard more great advice carhill!
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Its VERY selfish of you to keep him in limbo while you decide-because you like the attention. Because now you really are leading him on. Why not do the right thing, and stay away from him until you decide, give him a chance to see if another woman comes along that might really like him? hmmmm... that sucks because I do like hanging out with him, but it's not like we spend all this time together. He is free to meet other women and whatever... and it's not like I'm not asking him to wait for me to figure out what I want... and I can't help how he feels attracted to me... it's probably just a crush that he will get over soon anyways.... Edited December 10, 2009 by tkgirl
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This is a great time of year where you live and you enjoy winter sports. Good on ya that you found an interesting guy to spend some time with and go snowboarding. He'll meet lots of great ladies on the slopes just like you'll meet lots of great guys. If anything comes of this 'crush', then it will. IMO, life is about living. Do what you do and see what happens. Ah, to be young again
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 This is a great time of year where you live and you enjoy winter sports. Good on ya that you found an interesting guy to spend some time with and go snowboarding. He'll meet lots of great ladies on the slopes just like you'll meet lots of great guys. If anything comes of this 'crush', then it will. IMO, life is about living. Do what you do and see what happens. Ah, to be young again the funny thing is I'm not that young.. but he is! and it's another reason I'm enjoying this "crush"... it's nice to be 44 and have a cute young 30 year old that thinks I'm "hot"... makes me feel young too.
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 hmmmm... that sucks because I do like hanging out with him, but it's not like we spend all this time together. He is free to meet other women and whatever... and it's not like I'm not asking him to wait for me to figure out what I want... and I can't help how he feels attracted to me... it's probably just a crush that he will get over soon anyways.... Yeah but youre not DIScouraging him, you know this. You know how sneaky youre being with this. You know he will keep trying as long as you told him he has a chance. No matter where you two go he will not be trying to hit on other women. Are you trying to let him convince you that you should date him? Arent you going to keep hanging with him anyway, why ask?
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Yeah but youre not DIScouraging him, you know this. You know how sneaky youre being with this. You know he will keep trying as long as you told him he has a chance. No matter where you two go he will not be trying to hit on other women. Are you trying to let him convince you that you should date him? Arent you going to keep hanging with him anyway, why ask? yeah but we've only hung out here and there.. maybe like 4 times in the past month or so.... And what he does when he's not with me is none of my business... or even when he is with me, if he wants to meet other women or whatever I won't stop him.. we are not in a relationship. I don't think it means I'm selfish because I care about him and I like spending time with him.... and since he likes being with me too then what's the harm?
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 the funny thing is I'm not that young.. but he is! and it's another reason I'm enjoying this "crush"... it's nice to be 44 and have a cute young 30 year old that thinks I'm "hot"... makes me feel young too. yep, he's young enough to be my son, hence my comment. Enjoy!
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 yeah but we've only hung out here and there.. maybe like 4 times in the past month or so.... And what he does when he's not with me is none of my business... or even when he is with me, if he wants to meet other women or whatever I won't stop him.. we are not in a relationship. I don't think it means I'm selfish because I care about him and I like spending time with him.... and since he likes being with me too then what's the harm? You know what the harm is. Thats why you asked, youre leading him on. Using him to feel sexy isnt right. You get something out of it and he doesnt. Just tell him that it will never happen between you two, he should stop flirting, you will only hang with him for strictly platonic friendship, and it will never go beyond that, and you hope he finds a woman that is into him. If he wants to hang with you after that, then enjoy. How bout that?
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 You know what the harm is. Thats why you asked, youre leading him on. Using him to feel sexy isnt right. You get something out of it and he doesnt. Just tell him that it will never happen between you two, he should stop flirting, you will only hang with him for strictly platonic friendship, and it will never go beyond that, and you hope he finds a woman that is into him. If he wants to hang with you after that, then enjoy. How bout that? that all sounds kinda boring though... and the thing is I flirt back with him and I know he likes it too... it's not all about me, not at all... I seriously do care about him though and don't want to hurt him or lead him on. Friendship between a man and a woman is tricky sometimes I'm finding out! all that sexual tension stuff...
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 that all sounds kinda boring though... and the thing is I flirt back with him and I know he likes it too... it's not all about me, not at all... I seriously do care about him though and don't want to hurt him or lead him on. Friendship between a man and a woman is tricky sometimes I'm finding out! all that sexual tension stuff... You keep saying you care about him as if the amount you care makes it right, it doesnt. It might sound boring, but if you cant handle him hanging with him without flirting, then its not a real friendship now is it? If you cant do regular boring friendship with him, especially when you know youre not going to date him, then you know what youre doing is using him, and its wrong. He's liking this for the end result. Youre afraid that if you tell him he doesnt have a chance that he wont want to hang with you anymore arent you? Is he the only one that makes you feel sexy right now, and you dont want to create a void? When he likes you, is trying to escalate the flirting, and you know youre not going to follow though, then it IS all about you, because he will eventually get hurt. You dont want to believe that this "friendship" might be a farce, but at some point you have to take the risk that it might be. Now If he knows that nothing is ever going to happen, but he talks dirty anyway just for the fun of it, then youre all good. So tell him.
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) You get something out of it and he doesn't. Explain this a bit. OP, from your post, I'm seeing two people hanging out, doing some snowboarding, flirting a bit and generally doing what adults do when their genders happen to be different. You, at this juncture, can't imagine having a relationship with this, or any, 30 year old man. You told him this (or did you?) If yes, he's disclosed. I will presume you do not use him to feed your ego (meaning pure receiving and no giving) or as an emotional tampon to assuage the pain of your past breakup. I remember, many years ago, having a similar 'crush' but getting a more definitive negative reaction, purportedly mainly because of the age difference (12 in my case) as well as her being recently divorced. Funnily, about 18 months later, the lady married a guy the same age as me. Guess I wasn't the 'right' younger guy Edited December 10, 2009 by carhill
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Explain this a bit. OP, from your post, I'm seeing two people hanging out, doing some snowboarding, flirting a bit and generally doing what adults do when their genders happen to be different. You, at this juncture, can't imagine having a relationship with this, or any, 30 year old man. You told him this (or did you?) If yes, he's disclosed. I will presume you do not use him to feed your ego (meaning pure receiving and no giving) or as an emotional tampon to assuage the pain of your past breakup. I remember, many years ago, having a similar 'crush' but getting a more definitive negative reaction, purportedly mainly because of the age difference (12 in my case) as well as her being recently divorced. Funnily, about 18 months later, the lady married a guy the same age as me. Guess I wasn't the 'right' younger guy She started a different thread on him before. She hasnt disclosed (to him) that she wouldnt date him because hes 14 years younger and she only wants guys her age, but she is enjoying the attention. She hasnt disclosed that he shouldnt have a chance by her standards, but she sounds like she wants to like him. Tk did you lie to him to keep him on the hook by telling him that you "want to be ready to move on"?
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 In defense of the young man, I can say that women are masters of saying things in a certain way with certain expressions and body language that can convey something negative but make you feel so good receiving the bad news that you just want to hang around for more. I remember a woman once tried and was successful in selling me dumpster service this way. I was just about the OP's age too
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 well, on the car ride home is when he brought everything up.... he asked me if I felt weird after he told me he was attracted to me. I told him no, that I was flattered but wondered if he felt weird about it. I then brought up the age difference but more like "I'm 44!" as in too old for him.. he was like "it doesn't matter to me". I know you might think it's "wrong" boogieboy, but it does feel really good to have a younger guy be so attracted to me.. call it selfish, a boost to my ego or whatever but don't we all like to hear that we are attractive now and then? I mean, isn't that what flirting is all about? And I guess I am attracted to him too.. in the way he has a really cool outlook on life, is fun to be with, and we seem to just "click"... we always have since the first time I met him. I don't think I'm leading him since I did let him know what I want when we talked the other night.. that I can't do the FWB thing, I do get attached and am not 100% completely over the last guy I liked.. or more that I'm still getting over the hurt part of that. He was very sweet about it and didn't say anything to pressure me or anything.... I don't know... but I don't think it's wrong anymore to enjoy the friendship and flirting we have... and who knows what's going to happen next but for now I'm just going to go with the flow.... but thanks for all the input boogieboy and carhill! I do appreciate it
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I know you might think it's "wrong" boogieboy, but it does feel really good to have a younger guy be so attracted to me.. call it selfish, a boost to my ego or whatever but don't we all like to hear that we are attractive now and then? I mean, isn't that what flirting is all about? The more attracted to you he becomes, the more wrong it is, and you know this. I don't think I'm leading him since I did let him know what I want when we talked the other night.. Of course you CANT think that you led him on, because you have so much to lose, I take it hes the only one flirting with you currently? You didnt let him know, you left him an opening with slick woman speak and you know this as well. If you wanna be righteous about it, disclose it to him, if you wont, then you have to at least admit that youre using him, and its wrong, and dont feel guilty about it! I don't know... but I don't think it's wrong anymore to enjoy the friendship and flirting we have... and who knows what's going to happen next but for now I'm just going to go with the flow.... Yea, I know, you'll never tell him, and you'll use him for as long as you can, eventually at the expense of his feelings. You NEED to have some fun even if someone gets disguarded in the process. I thought you cared about the guy? How do you think he'll feel when you let him know he wasted his time on a farce of a courtship? The longer you wait, the more he will be hurt, because he will know you used him. He wont admit it to you, probably to stay cordial...who knows, maybe he does know.
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 The more attracted to you he becomes, the more wrong it is, and you know this. Of course you CANT think that you led him on, because you have so much to lose, I take it hes the only one flirting with you currently? You didnt let him know, you left him an opening with slick woman speak and you know this as well. If you wanna be righteous about it, disclose it to him, if you wont, then you have to at least admit that youre using him, and its wrong, and dont feel guilty about it! Yea, I know, you'll never tell him, and you'll use him for as long as you can, eventually at the expense of his feelings. You NEED to have some fun even if someone gets disguarded in the process. I thought you cared about the guy? How do you think he'll feel when you let him know he wasted his time on a farce of a courtship? The longer you wait, the more he will be hurt, because he will know you used him. He wont admit it to you, probably to stay cordial...who knows, maybe he does know. I hear ya boogieboy, but I disagree with a lot of what you said. You don't really know me or what is in my heart... and that's ok. And whether you believe me or not, I do care about this guy... and if I feel like what we are doing is going to hurt him in anyway, I will put an end to it. thanks again for taking the time to respond... it didn't fall on deaf ears so don't think that either... I think you rock for the most part... a little "glass is half empty" a lot of time but it's what works for you so...
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) I hear ya boogieboy, but I disagree with a lot of what you said. You don't really know me or what is in my heart... and that's ok. And whether you believe me or not, I do care about this guy... and if I feel like what we are doing is going to hurt him in anyway, I will put an end to it. thanks again for taking the time to respond... it didn't fall on deaf ears so don't think that either... I think you rock for the most part... a little "glass is half empty" a lot of time but it's what works for you so... Dont need to know you, but Ive seen this before many times, and Im only going by exactly what you said my dear. Its totally obvious. You already made it clear that your need to feel sexy overrides his right or need to know if he has a chance. I just hope you will do the right thing. Right now im having a hard time finding a job, so I'm pretty much a "glass is totally empty" kind of guy. Edited December 10, 2009 by boogieboy
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Presuming the 30 yo man isn't a virgin, he knows how the dating and love game is played, so he can take his responsibility here too. Regardless of how it's expressed, he knows she sees an age difference and he knows she's not completely over her last R (based on statements here). He can impute certain conclusions from that information and direct his feelings accordingly. If he chooses to invest more and become hurt if it doesn't 'work out', that's his responsibility. TBH, I could see this thing flipping and our OP being the one hurt. Just because she may be more 'experienced' and currently non-invested doesn't necessarily give her the upper hand. Fair warning
Author tkgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Presuming the 30 yo man isn't a virgin, he knows how the dating and love game is played, so he can take his responsibility here too. Regardless of how it's expressed, he knows she sees an age difference and he knows she's not completely over her last R (based on statements here). He can impute certain conclusions from that information and direct his feelings accordingly. If he chooses to invest more and become hurt if it doesn't 'work out', that's his responsibility. TBH, I could see this thing flipping and our OP being the one hurt. Just because she may be more 'experienced' and currently non-invested doesn't necessarily give her the upper hand. Fair warning yep.. it could be me that ends up getting hurt for sure! I have huge walls up after my last guy and maybe that's why I can't see what I'm doing as being "wrong" still... I don't mean to be selfish though... and yes... he is an adult too and I know he can handle it, if things go bad.. but for now we can do a little flirting,, have fun together and no harm done!
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Please tell him the truth. Dont be the tease when you know you have to disappoint him eventually. Let him flirt while he knows nothing will come of it. Dont do it with the rationale that hes a grown man, he made it clear hes still hoping. Dont be like all the women we see guys post about that send mixed signals and keep hanging with them for the ego, and claim its fun. Please tell him TK.
Author tkgirl Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Please tell him the truth. Dont be the tease when you know you have to disappoint him eventually. Let him flirt while he knows nothing will come of it. Dont do it with the rationale that hes a grown man, he made it clear hes still hoping. Dont be like all the women we see guys post about that send mixed signals and keep hanging with them for the ego, and claim its fun. Please tell him TK. well, since you asked so nicely... but seriously, all that's happened is a little flirting back and forth and him telling me that he's attracted to me... and we talked about it, about where we are at and everything. I don't mean to sound so dense... but if he's attracted to me, he's attracted to me... what am I supposed to say to him "hey, you need to stop being attracted to me!" Believe it or not I do feel a connection with him and have long before he told me how he felt... I like him! so there you go... I will NOT lead him on but I'm not going to stop being myself around him... but seriously, thanks for your concern boogieboy... I promise I will not hurt this guy ok? or lead him on or anything... I promise!!!
boogieboy Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) .. but if he's attracted to me, he's attracted to me... what am I supposed to say to him "hey, you need to stop being attracted to me!" No but you could tell him what you told us...: "I can't see him as ever being my 'boyfriend'." Give him the choice to keep flirting with you or not. Im sure he will keep making you feel good after you make it clear that nothing is going to happen between you two...but let him make the choice... I know...youre never going to tell him, because you like his company and it ruins the fun But Im gonna keep drilling it....... Edited December 11, 2009 by boogieboy
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