How would you handle this situation?

[MissGoLightly]

You and your SO are not together for the holidays, and you won't be returning until Monday.

 

You're talking to your SO, who mentions an event. It is clear that your SO intends to go to said event; that s/he has already told others (perhaps the hosts) that s/he was going. All of a sudden, SO says "Oh, but I won't go if you aren't comfortable with it."

 

And let's assume that it is in no way even remotely possible that you attend the event with your SO.

 

Nor do you want him/her to attend.

 

What would you say and what is your reasoning? Does the fact that s/he already RSVPed "yes" matter? For example, do you think it's a trick question and there would be an issue if you did actually say, no I'm not comfortable with you going?

[Vertex]

Well, what's the event in the first place? Why wouldn't you want your SO to attend? What is it that makes you uncomfortable with the idea?

[rateyes]

unless they have broken my trust, then no i wouldnt or nor could i stop her from going.

 

but ya, id just go with your uncomfortable with her going and tell her why and let her respond how she wishes.

 

but it would depend on your reasons. insecure? not valid. cheated? possible. cant handle alcohol well?possible.

[PinkToes]

I don't get the problem either. What's the event, and why would it bother you if they went without you?

[MissGoLightly]

Well, what's the event in the first place? Why wouldn't you want your SO to attend? What is it that makes you uncomfortable with the idea?

Well, theoretically it could be anything - but simply you don't want him/her to go, for one reason or another. I'm interested in general answers, because I want to know how many people would actually say "No, I'm not comfortable with you going" in a situation like that. I want to know why they would or wouldn't say no, and in what situations they would and wouldn't say no.

 

I think if I wrote a thread about why I don't want my bf to go to an event everyone would either say "that's dumb, you're making a big deal over nothing, get over it" OR "just say no" as if that were the easiest thing in the world.

 

But, specifically, my bf's ex-gf recently got married (destination wedding) and she is having a party locally this weekend to celebrate her wedding. I don't want my bf to go, because this girl acts inappropriately toward him (flirts with him, is physically all over him, etc.), and because she doesn't respect me...they aren't really friends and don't hang out much, so I don't see the need to attend this party, other than some of his friends being there (that his ex met through him).

 

Another reason, related to respect, is that my bf and I have been together for a couple years-ish...and I was not included in the invitation to this event. Typical behavior from her - as soon as she found out bf and I were dating she started calling and texting him constantly to come drink with her and her bf - and I was never invited (of course bf invited me, but it's important and significant I think that she deliberately excluded me - bf's girl friends treat us as a couple, and his ex doesn't). Other people who are invited to this party were specifically told to bring their SO's - even those who have been dating for shorter periods of time than my bf and me.

 

I also think her behavior is disgustingly disrespectful toward her new husband.

 

It's not a formal event, just a party/drinking night.

Edited November 27, 2009 by MissGoLightly

[PinkToes]

I can see how that would be a bit upsetting, and I'd probably be annoyed with the situation. But I don't think I'd say anything, because your b/f will take that to mean you don't trust him, and that would probably be more dangerous to your relationship than putting up with whatever weird behavior she chooses to inflict on him. Assuming you trust him completely, I'd try to let it go.

[boogieboy]

Your bigger problem isnt your bf going to the event, its that he WANTS to go. Apparently theres some major reason he wants to party with his ex and the friends, without you. If you dont let him go, he will resent you. Better sort that out.

[Vertex]

Again it depends on the situation. If I were uncomfortable because of my own insecurity, I'd handle the situation differently than if I were uncomfortable because of a legitimate conflict.

 

In this scenario, it sounds like the other woman is a pretty relentless snag. But if I were, say, uncomfortable with my girlfriend going to an event where a guy was heavily flirty/etc, I'd still let her attend out of trust. I should be able to trust my SO to do the right thing, even if I know I can't trust others to do the same.

 

Either way, though, I see nothing wrong with letting your boyfriend know you're uncomfortable because of the other woman. It's possible that he doesn't give two ****s about her and just wants to attend to have fun at a party -- if this is the case, I'd relax and let him go. But if he wants to attend and gives you reason to believe that he's not going to rebuff this woman, I'd give things second thoughts. It takes two to flirt.

 

If your SO wants you to tag along and you choose not to, that is entirely your own decision. However, it should give your boyfriend some credibility here! Clearly he isn't trying to pull one over you.

[MissGoLightly]

I can see how that would be a bit upsetting, and I'd probably be annoyed with the situation. But I don't think I'd say anything, because your b/f will take that to mean you don't trust him, and that would probably be more dangerous to your relationship than putting up with whatever weird behavior she chooses to inflict on him. Assuming you trust him completely, I'd try to let it go.

 

That's an excellent point, and I think that's what I'm struggling with.

 

I don't want to say "don't go." I do trust him completely. I know that nothing would happen (other than some heavy flirting on her part and lots of touchy-feeling stuff while she ignores her husband and probably yaps about what an azzhole he is and how badly he treats her by not giving her enough attention).

 

It's just that the idea of him hanging out with someone (and WANTING to hang out with someone) who disrespects me (and her husband) so blatantly pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.

[MissGoLightly]

Again it depends on the situation. If I were uncomfortable because of my own insecurity, I'd handle the situation differently than if I were uncomfortable because of a legitimate conflict.

 

In this scenario, it sounds like the other woman is a pretty relentless snag. But if I were, say, uncomfortable with my girlfriend going to an event where a guy was heavily flirty/etc, I'd still let her attend out of trust. I should be able to trust my SO to do the right thing, even if I know I can't trust others to do the same.

 

Either way, though, I see nothing wrong with letting your boyfriend know you're uncomfortable because of the other woman. It's possible that he doesn't give two ****s about her and just wants to attend to have fun at a party -- if this is the case, I'd relax and let him go. But if he wants to attend and gives you reason to believe that he's not going to rebuff this woman, I'd give things second thoughts. It takes two to flirt.

 

If your SO wants you to tag along and you choose not to, that is entirely your own decision. However, it should give your boyfriend some credibility here! Clearly he isn't trying to pull one over you.

Agreed, also some great points.

 

I know that my bf would bring me if I were able to attend (but am across the country and not returning until after the party), despite this woman's lack of manners/invitation.

[Ms. Joolie]

 

But, specifically, my bf's ex-gf recently got married (destination wedding) and she is having a party locally this weekend to celebrate her wedding. I don't want my bf to go, because this girl acts inappropriately toward him (flirts with him, is physically all over him, etc.), and because she doesn't respect me...they aren't really friends and don't hang out much, so I don't see the need to attend this party, other than some of his friends being there (that his ex met through him).

 

She's married then? You have nothing to worry about. Let your BF go, can't you trust him? Besides if she tries anything she'll only look bad. AND... if your BF would even fall for that drama you wouldn't want to stick with him anyway.

[MissGoLightly]

Your bigger problem isnt your bf going to the event, its that he WANTS to go. Apparently theres some major reason he wants to party with his ex and the friends, without you. If you dont let him go, he will resent you. Better sort that out.

To be honest, I'm curious if he really wouldn't go if I responded "no, I'm not comfortable with you going." But as you and others have pointed out, that would potentially cause an issue with him feeling as though I don't trust him.

[Ms. Joolie]

He could want to go simply to hang with friends. Could have little to do with her.

 

My co-worker was recently in this situation. His ex-GF was having a baby shower at her place for a mutual friend who was expecting. He was going to go, but she didn't want him to go.

 

They broke up over it. He was determined to be there for his friend, and considered that trust and his friends more important than pleasing his GF because of her insecurities.

 

However, it sounds like your BF wouldn't do that if it made you uncomfortable. I think that says a lot about how he does care for you. He's willing to sacrifice the event for you. Nice.

[PinkToes]

It seems a bit odd to me also, that he would even want to go. But then again, it's a party with a bunch of old friends, and that may be as far as he's thinking. And if an ex pays attention to him, I guess that could be flattering, but I'll bet after it's over, he'll come home and tell you how much he realized that the two of you are a much better fit than they ever were, and that he's so glad you would never behave like that, and countless other things he realized while he was there without you.

 

And the points you get for biting your tongue 'til it hurts, and letting him know you trust him completely? Priceless.

[MissGoLightly]

He could want to go simply to hang with friends. Could have little to do with her.

 

My co-worker was recently in this situation. His ex-GF was having a baby shower at her place for a mutual friend who was expecting. He was going to go, but she didn't want him to go.

 

They broke up over it. He was determined to be there for his friend, and considered that trust and his friends more important than pleasing his GF because of her insecurities.

 

However, it sounds like your BF wouldn't do that if it made you uncomfortable. I think that says a lot about how he does care for you. He's willing to sacrifice the event for you. Nice.

Ahhh. Something like that I wouldn't fault bf for going to, or have a problem with - the focus of that is (or should be) the friend, not the ex. This event is all about the ex-gf though.

 

I also just found out that bf's friends aren't going. A lot of them are also out of town for the weekend due to the holidays. So I'm still back to him wanting to go specifically for the ex.

 

My bf is pretty fantastic, no doubt. I know that if it came down to it, me and my needs will always come before the ex. Although there is a chance of the trust issue coming up - hopefully that would depend on how the situation was handled though. I do think that he's just a little too nice sometimes, and maybe cares a little too much what others think. That could be what's coming into play here.

 

Or, on the other hand, there is of course the other side of the coin (maybe unresolved feelings or something). They did have a very...um...let's say volatile relationship.

 

It seems a bit odd to me also, that he would even want to go. But then again, it's a party with a bunch of old friends, and that may be as far as he's thinking. And if an ex pays attention to him, I guess that could be flattering, but I'll bet after it's over, he'll come home and tell you how much he realized that the two of you are a much better fit than they ever were, and that he's so glad you would never behave like that, and countless other things he realized while he was there without you.

 

And the points you get for biting your tongue 'til it hurts, and letting him know you trust him completely? Priceless.

 

This might seal the deal. Good point.

[MissGoLightly]

She's married then? You have nothing to worry about. Let your BF go, can't you trust him? Besides if she tries anything she'll only look bad. AND... if your BF would even fall for that drama you wouldn't want to stick with him anyway.

 

Oh, yeah, I do trust him, and I'm not worried about them hooking up or anything like that.

 

But I've seen how she acts with my bf (in front of others, including myself and her fiance/now husband) firsthand, as well as in photos of events I wasn't at.

 

BF has also filled me in on her behavior at events I wasn't at.

 

My issue isn't a trust one.

 

It's a respect one. It makes me mad that BF would hang out with someone who disrespects me as well as her fiance/husband.

 

On top of that I don't understand why he would want to hang out with an attention whore drama queen like her.

[jerseyboy]

I don't think its odd to tell him at all.

 

I don't always think the point is whether you think they will do something or not either.

 

When stuff like that happens to me , I think it my responsibility to take my gf's side. I mean if she made a commitment to me, it seems like the bare minimum of reciprocity.

 

If shes actually doing that stuff to your bf, I dont think the point is whether hes going to diddle her while you are away, its that she openly disprects YOU in front of YOU and others with YOUR bf. That you even have to tell him that says something about him to me.

 

If some guy tried pulling that crap with me, Id bust him right in the face. And if she encouraged/allowed/didn't say anything at the time, then kick her to the curb.

[PinkToes]

 

It's a respect one. It makes me mad that BF would hang out with someone who disrespects me as well as her fiance/husband.

 

On top of that I don't understand why he would want to hang out with an attention whore drama queen like her.

 

I get that too, I would wonder the same thing, if it kept happening. Is there any way you could ask him? You know, just out of curiosity. It's a dicey situation, because you don't want him to get defensive. But I would just wonder what he was thinking.

[MissGoLightly]

I get that too, I would wonder the same thing, if it kept happening. Is there any way you could ask him? You know, just out of curiosity. It's a dicey situation, because you don't want him to get defensive. But I would just wonder what he was thinking.

 

We have talked about it in the past in a very round-about kind of way.

 

Even though he knows what she's like (I actually didn't comment on what I thought of her until he said it first), he says she's a really nice girl, lots of fun, good person, she's his friend, blah blah blah.

 

Honestly, my bf is the type who makes excuses for people and their behavior. I see behavior like that and determine that such a person will not be my friend/in my life (I'm big on personal responsibility). He doesn't.

 

Granted, he's like that with everyone in his life; although I do think he's much more forgiving toward his ex than is usual, even for him. That could be jealousy talking, or something; who knows. I might not be the most objective on that topic.

 

Just as an example, they had an on again/off again relationship. She was (is) very insecure, maybe has low self-esteem. Very jealous girl. When they dated she would constantly accuse him of cheating on her, got pissed off if/when he went out drinking, constantly picked fights over those things, gave him crap about all kinds of ridiculous things (related to drinking, his friends, how much attention he gave her, etc.), snooping through his phone/house/computer, etc. and on and on.

 

But while all this is going on, she's whining about him (in front of him) to guy friends, going out drinking with only guys all the time, dating/hooking up with other guys when they're "off again" (including the guy she's now married to), texting guys in front of him...bf started checking up on her (her phone) and finds out that yeah, she's being really inappropriate in her communication with other guys.

 

He doesn't think she cheated on him.

 

I think she did, and I actually know several of his friends think she did.

 

Anyways, my point is, even after all that (2 years of that, so you know he really loved her) they talk and hang out (if I were her bf/fiance/husband I wouldn't allow that, especially given her history), though not often. He still thinks she's nice, etc. Makes excuses for her and her behavior. Insists that she never cheated on him, and that even though she acted like that, doesn't mean she didn't love him.

 

Someone who treated me like that (in fact, someone DID treat me like that) would no longer be in my life (he's not), because I would hold him accountable for his crappy behavior and treatment toward me.

[D-Lish]

I don't think you're being unreasonable not wanting him to go. It would be different if the ex gf was more accepting of you, and more respectful of boundaries with the touchy feely behaviour.

 

For me, a deciding factor would be that I was ignored in the invitation. Your bf isn't responsible for her behaviour, but he is on the hook for making sure you are considered and respected.

 

I'd lay how you feel on the table in a calm manner and go from there.

 

I am okay when my bf's are on friendly terms with ex's ~ but when the ex's are rude or territorial, I expect my bf to handle that by taking control of the situation.

 

My personal opinion is that your bf needs to tell his ex to cut out the touchy-feely behaviour and make an effort to include you. If she can't do that ~ he should be rethinking their friendship. You and your feelings should take precedence over their past, that's the bottom line.

[freestyle]

I recently read the book ,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.There's a

parallel to your story in there.

 

One of the topics was about having opposite sex friends who are disrespectful of a marriage, or, committed relationship.It's not a good idea, all it end up doing is making waves in the primary relationship.

 

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from.It's not that you distrust your bf, but perhaps you're questioning his loyalty to you.

 

I've got the same thing happening with me right now, my bf has a female friend who has been rude to me from the get-go. She's attempted to play us against each other, she's excluded me from social events,demeaning

comments, the whole nine yards.(it's almost like being back in jr. high,sheesh....)

And while I don't doubt that he loves me, it bugs me to no end that he

can still hang out with this chick, knowing what her attitude towards me is.But I'm afraid to ask him not to hang out with her, because I don't want to come off as controlling, or jealous.I have male friends, too, and I wouldn't want my SO telling me who I could or couldn't hang with.

(although, I personally wouldn't tolerate any of my friends being rude to my bf, I'd put them in their place right away)

 

Maybe you could present it to your bf like this:

 

'Honey, how would you feel if one of my friends or x's invited me to a social event, and deliberately excluded you??

 

How would then feel if I accepted the invitation, and left you sitting home alone?

 

Perhaps that would be a wake-up call to your bf..........................

 

good luck.............I totally feel your pain...................

[PinkToes]

 

Just as an example, they had an on again/off again relationship. She was (is) very insecure, maybe has low self-esteem. Very jealous girl. When they dated she would constantly accuse him of cheating on her, got pissed off if/when he went out drinking, constantly picked fights over those things, gave him crap about all kinds of ridiculous things (related to drinking, his friends, how much attention he gave her, etc.), snooping through his phone/house/computer, etc. and on and on.

 

This is kind of interesting. So he has a history of being with a woman who was jealous and accused him of cheating, got pissed when he was out drinking.

 

Makes me think a couple of things. Perhaps he really doesn't see anything wrong with hanging out with other ex's as friends, even if that behavior hurts his girlfriend. She may have been nuts, but he also may have done things that gave her reason to be upset. Not cheating, but innocent flirting or something else he wouldn't do if you were around.

 

Or maybe he's testing you, to see if you're going to flip out the way she did.

 

It's hard to tell. I agree it would bother me if this were something that happened a lot; it just doesn't seem like it would be that important to him if he knew how you felt.

[MissGoLightly]

Freestyle, thank you, that is very good advice. It's kind of nice feeling understood also Good luck to you as well.

 

 

This is kind of interesting. So he has a history of being with a woman who was jealous and accused him of cheating, got pissed when he was out drinking.

 

Makes me think a couple of things. Perhaps he really doesn't see anything wrong with hanging out with other ex's as friends, even if that behavior hurts his girlfriend. She may have been nuts, but he also may have done things that gave her reason to be upset. Not cheating, but innocent flirting or something else he wouldn't do if you were around.

 

Or maybe he's testing you, to see if you're going to flip out the way she did.

 

It's hard to tell. I agree it would bother me if this were something that happened a lot; it just doesn't seem like it would be that important to him if he knew how you felt.

 

Yes, I've been thinking about this as well. I don't really know enough, I don't think, to know with certainty. However, I do know that my bf didn't have a gf for several years before he started dating this girl, and that he wasn't friends with his previous ex or any of the girls he dated/hooked up with between the two gfs.

 

I also know, as one example, one of the girls that his ex had a problem with. This girl is still my bf's friend, and she has never been anything but friendly, welcoming, and respectful toward me and my bf/our relationship. So I do tend to lean toward the ex just being crazy.

 

However, it's been a couple years since my bf dated her, so maybe he's just grown up; maybe he did used to flirt when he was out or something. He only has a couple (two that I can think of) girl friends who AREN'T his friends' spouses. He also is very extroverted and social, so again it's hard to say about the innocent flirting thing.

 

I also am not sure if he's testing me; but given this past situation I do feel extremely hesitant to speak up about the situation. I think if I presented it the way some of you have mentioned, including freestyle and D-Lish, he would be more receptive to a conversation about this...but I also am not sure if he wouldn't go/would give her up, using the reasoning that he hasn't/isn't doing anything wrong and I'm being insecure, etc.

[freestyle]

I just re-read your OP.........so you and your bf have been together for a few years?Then, IMO, you're well within your rights to speak up about how you feel.......................................

 

Couple more questions you could ask him:

 

"Honey, how would you feel if I was still chumming around with one of my x's, and they were flirting , and getting touchy-feely with me right in front of you?

 

"And honey, how would you feel if that same x was treating you as if you

didn't exist??"

 

 

I'm starting to realize that there are some people who can't understand where you're coming from, until you ask them to imagine standing in your shoes. Then, sometimes, the little light goes on...........you can almost hear the faint scratching of hamster paws turning the wheels inside their head............

 

Ask those questions, and then excuse yourself for a moment...(go fix your hair or something)...leave the question echoing in his head, so he has time to really consider how he'd feel if the tables were turned.

 

Please let us know how it works out...............

[MissGoLightly]

Sometimes I worry that it seems a little silly that I have an issue with this, since they don't talk often, and don't see each other often. Although I am worried that part of the reason for that was she lived out of state for awhile (and when he was visiting the state she lived in, he visited her and her bf...we weren't dating at the time though), and now more recently she's moved back, but she may have been busy with wedding plans.

 

So it hasn't been much of an issue, so I feel silly, but then I worry that if I don't say something, it will become a bigger issue once things have settled down post-wedding.

 

I like your idea of trying to put him in my shoes, I'll try that.

 

And I'll definitely keep you updated on what happens.