Can you guys help me?

[LostWitness]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years. I started dating her when I was 15 and she was 17. We really fell madly in love together, and when I asked her in present time what her opinion was, she agreed she was madly in love. Well, now I am 18 and she is 20, and she goes to college a few minutes away from me, and when I go to college we will only be a couple of hours away and I have to come back every weekend since I have conservative parents.

 

Anyways, as a bf I was controlling and a little critical about the friends she was making, and so we started fighting more and more and then we broke up and we were both devastated, and the next two months we still were in contact everyday and we told each other we missed each other and contemplated what we were doing! I slept over at her dorm twice, wrote her many love letters which she loved, I made her all types of food and desserts, and we went to the movies and generally had a lot of fun and we were both seeing no one else.

 

So a few weeks ago, we stopped talking to each other for 2 weeks, and I found out she had oral sex with an older guy ( 24, she is 20) and was used and hurt by him. I had also moved on to another girl from a nearby school who is older (21) and we both agreed it was better with each other than other people. A few days ago I surprised her at her dorm with Spanakopita and a love letter, and she acted a little bit**y and I started to cry and she said she didn't know what it was like to be with other people, and it was a mistake what she did with the older guy, but she still wanted to experience all of the world, and she told me to move on and do the same and I felt devastated.

 

She is a good person, and knows that I want a second chance, and so she said during the summer we can hang out for a whole day and see if she can see me as a boyfriend because right now she says she isn't thinking about the future only the present and doesn't know what she wants in a guy. I told her the summer would be great. Here is the PROBLEM:

 

We get along really well, and we are friends on facebook and on tumblr which is a site for blogging. She LOVES my blog. She always contacts me about it, and reblogs my posts and "likes" my posts and this and that. And she always reads my blog and i know because I check who reads my blog, and she reads it everyday. She is still physically attracted to me, and says that we have had the best dates and still no guy has compared to me yet. I just want the summer to come, but I don't know if NC would work in my situation? I mean we both care so much about each other as friends and she tells me everything, and i tell her everything because we get along so well.

 

It hurts me that she had oral sex, but I am over it because the guy was a complete jerk and hurt and used her. Her friends all like me too, and I just don't know what to do? I suggested minimum contact with her so that we both know what life is like without each other and agreed. We talked today on Thanksgiving, and had a great, funny conversation and both laughed, and her parents and sister both talked about how great my spanakopita was. I dearly want the summer to work out, but until then what can I do?

Edited November 27, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[doomage]

Go No contact for a month atleast or more, tell her that your gonna be really busy for a whole month and can't speak to her. In that month work on yourself, workout, read a book just do alot of self improvement to work on those controlling episodes and just become a better person for yourself, not for her. By that time she might see you in a different light but if she doesn't your still doing good because you will be on the road to getting over her, because frankly if your hoping to get her back in the summer you might be sadly dissapointed, here's why.

 

She might meet somebody by then, so theres no telling what can happen.

also don't wait for the summer, because that's pretty much bs that she said to wait till the summer to see how she feels. it's a cowardly way of stringing you along.

 

so just work on yourself, regroup yourself start thinking clearly with your head and not with your emotions. because if you were to get back together with her right now you will probably lose her again because of your issues. good luck

[LostWitness]

Well a lot of people on this forum tell me to make myself better and I do not know how to say this without being conceited...

 

....but I mean I am already a 4 year varsity wrestler so I already work out every day for 2+ hours. I love reading and frequently review novels that I read nightly on my blog, and I mean I take cooking lessons and I make a mean omelet among other things like Spanakopita which I recently learned to make and gave it to her as a Thanksgiving gift to eat with her family. ( They loved it as I explained in my last post.) I don't really know how to "improve myself?" We didn't really break up because anything was wrong, we really broke up because we have no one else to compare each other to, and I guess that is what she wanted, although I am open minded and understanding. What do I do now? I already wrote her love letters, made her food, and even (attempted) to sing her a song which she found was more hilarious than anything, but I just think love is really convoluted but I really love this girl, and she says she loves me as a friend now, but wouldn't be surprised if we got back in the future. I do feel as though she is stringing me along, but I will go NC even though it will be very difficult because the summer is so far away. I know the poster above me said NC for 1 month, and I think I can do that.

Edited November 27, 2009 by LostWitness

[LostWitness]

I am bumping this thread up because I just want more opinions. She wants to explore the world and see what it is like, but she isn't a slut or anything, she is inherently a good person. So what do you guys think?

[Ody]

My advice is that it's over, move on. NC is probably the way to go for you.

 

She's going to do a lot more than oral sex with other guys as time goes on. Doesn't sound like you'll handle that well.

 

Try to be less controlling and not worry about sluttiness next time.

 

A little bit of you exploring the world and seeing what it is like might make you feel better too.

 

Good luck.

[northstar1]

The odds aren't in your favor man. She's in college, and at the age where very few relationships left over from highschool work. She's meeting new people and seeing new things and people usually have A LOT of relationships through their college years.

 

Please don't plan your life around reconcilling.

[LostWitness]

I am going to go No Contact for two months. The first month of December will be difficult because it is my birthday soon and I applied Early decision to a college and she wants to know all about it. January will be easy because it is basically Winter Break and she will be visiting India with her family the whole time, and she has no computers or whatever there.

 

I mean I can imagine that you guys know a lot more than me and think I am young and naive, but I mean it did upset me that she had oral sex so fast with that guy, and I can't stop thinking about her at all. What makes you guys think it will be over? Our relationship was long distance the whole time, and we had the will to work it out, and I was controlling, but I will fix that and am currently in the process of doing so.

 

I just feel as though we both connect so well on an intimate basis as well, and maybe I should rephrase my question: What can I do if I really want this girl back? I wrote her love letters, made her food, and tried every romantic thing, but she says she might see us back together. She says she isn't thinking about the future, and she says she isn't a slut but wants to experience other things although I strongly feel like she will miss the two years we had together. What can I do? I don't mean to be rude at all, and I am really just confused and I am trying to be humble, it just hurts a lot when you have been with other girls and realize she is better.

[doomage]

I just feel as though we both connect so well on an intimate basis as well, and maybe I should rephrase my question: What can I do if I really want this girl back? I wrote her love letters, made her food, and tried every romantic thing, but she says she might see us back together. She says she isn't thinking about the future, and she says she isn't a slut but wants to experience other things although I strongly feel like she will miss the two years we had together. What can I do? I don't mean to be rude at all, and I am really just confused and I am trying to be humble, it just hurts a lot when you have been with other girls and realize she is better.

 

Well your only chance to get her back is to forget about getting her back. I know it's counterintuitive but that's the truth, stop trying so hard to get your love back because that is only turning her off more and more, you can't force her attraction to you, to the level to get back together with her. Ever heard the saying "people wan't what they can't have"? That's what's happening right now shes what you can't have as of now and the harder you push the further your gonna push her away.

 

First of all stop cooking her food, writing her letters and doing romantic stuff for her because she's not your girlfriend, and it seems like your using that stuff to get her back which makes you seem supplicative. She may think it's sweet but that's all. you need to go nc and leave her be for now. Maybe in a month or two reestablish contact.

 

And sorry to say but she might wan't to explore other guys too besides new things, the reason why is because when a girl goes to college she changes she's gonna be exposed to so many things and she might just experiment with different dudes, not saying she's a slut but she's just gonna probably open up more sexually. IF she had oral sex with that dude what makes you think she won't do it again while you guys are separated?

 

I know as a controlling dude and the fact that you guys were once an item you will still get mad if she did have sex or oral sex with a dude right now, because you want her for yourself even though you aren't together. But there's nothing you can do. People are gonna do what they wan't to do nomatter what you do. Just stop all the mushy stuff, and don't let her string you along.

 

also an important connection to nc is to date other girls, so you can see what else is out there, and don't say she's the best ever because clearly she's not there is always better, but everybody has something special inside of them so just get to know other girls so if things don't work out with this chick you have a plan b. good luck man

[Ody]

What makes you guys think it will be over?

 

Pretty much everything. Pretend a friend of yours started this thread instead of you. Read it, and think about what you would tell him.

 

Everyone here is giving you almost identical advice to focus on getting over it and moving on rather than focusing on her and what she's doing. Rephrasing the question isn't going to get you different or better advice...

 

Good luck man. It does seem like you have a good heart but you have to learn to move on and that sometimes things really are over.

[GrayClouds]

Well a lot of people on this forum tell me to make myself better and I do not know how to say this without being conceited...

 

....but I mean I am already a 4 year varsity wrestler so I already work out every day for 2+ hours. I love reading and frequently review novels that I read nightly on my blog, and I mean I take cooking lessons and I make a mean omelet among other things like Spanakopita which I recently learned to make and gave it to her as a Thanksgiving gift to eat with her family. ( They loved it as I explained in my last post.) I don't really know how to "improve myself?" We didn't really break up because anything was wrong, we really broke up because we have no one else to compare each other to, and I guess that is what she wanted, although I am open minded and understanding. What do I do now? I already wrote her love letters, made her food, and even (attempted) to sing her a song which she found was more hilarious than anything, but I just think love is really convoluted but I really love this girl, and she says she loves me as a friend now, but wouldn't be surprised if we got back in the future. I do feel as though she is stringing me along, but I will go NC even though it will be very difficult because the summer is so far away. I know the poster above me said NC for 1 month, and I think I can do that.

 

 

Maybe your to good for her, if I was a dame you would be, i like my men lazier, more like me

[LostWitness]

Alright so here is my succinct plan, maybe you guys can tell me if I am doing everything correctly:

 

1) Go no contact for 3 months. My reasoning: wrestling season will be over so there will be a heightened level of contact between me and her after 3 months. I will have a job at Barnes and Nobles, and have the car more often and therefore have a better chance of taking her to lunch or a romantic dinner if she confides in me.

 

2) In those 3 months many, many exciting things will be happening in my life in which she will want to be a part of in this order: My 18th birthday, my early decision college acceptance ( or denial), she will go to India during winter break, I will take a vacation somewhere during winter break, she will have a new semester schedule, Christmas, New Year's, etcetera. If I clue her out during these months, she will know what it truly feels like to be without my warm presence by her side which has unfortunately grown cold.

 

3) I will not ask her about her boyfriends/current relationships. I will continue to wrestle and grapple, improve on my self image, and continue to take cooking lessons and really try and change my image somehow in a positive way to make it seem as though I am not only mentally moving on, but physically as well?

 

4) I will promise to keep my blog up and running everyday, and I will continue to let her "like" and "reblog" my posts without giving her the satisfaction I am paying attention. I will give her just enough attention secretly through my posts, and making her life feel as though she was vicariously with me through my blog, but not with me directly so she stills reminds herself just how compatible we are. I will continue my modeling career and she takes interest in my nouveau-style pictures.

 

5) After 3 months, if she continues to show interest in me, and it grows from her side more than mine, I will see if she is open to hanging out, although I will take it VERY SLOWLY and just make her feel reacquainted with me, but giving her only a small taste of what it is like to have me in her life again, and I am crossing my fingers there will be no other guy.

 

6) I will continue to date other girls, although I won't be in another relationship because it will force my ex to move on. Just in case the summer doesn't work out, or she is happy with her life after 3 months of no contact, I will have a myriad of companions to choose from, and I will have a greater self confidence, and she will see ( and hear...) how much fun I am having with other girls who she feels might be more or less physically attractive than her, and she will feel jealous. Her self-esteem might decrease knowing there are better options than her. ( She has a big ego guys.)

 

Thank you! Please tell me if I am dead wrong, or maybe correct in my approach?

[LostWitness]

I am bumping this thread one more time just so that my plan can be read and commented on.