Two year later, the gloves came off...and she's certifiable!

[Spark1111]

It's 2 years since DDAY and we are okay. IC, MC, and my WS being a better man has all helped me to heal from a long-term affair with a co-worker.

 

I have posted on here how hard it has been to have sketchy details, omitted details, and the I don't remembers. It has driven me crazy.

 

But I finally got the only detail worth knowing. I called her at work yesterday, with his full support and she is really, really.....unstable. Almost certifiable.

 

Within three and a half minutes, I was attacked, apologized, lied to, and evaded. Whoo boy!

 

After DDay, I only had empathy in my heart for a single mother who had just gone through an acrimonious divorce. And although I entertained revenge fantasies, I would never do anything to hurt a child, even her child. My anger was directed at him.

 

In March, I left three kind phone calls on her cell phone, extending an olive branch, with dates and times she could return my calls. I wanted this behind me, and since they work for the same company, I wanted peace in the event we ever bumped into each other. She never returned my calls.

 

They now work 50 miles apart for the same company. Last week, having a meeting on another floor, she just shows up at his office. He is stunned.

 

She tells him about her son, her new boyfriend, and her future plans, goals, etc. She said she would never return my phone calls, as I was "viscious." She asks him if he thinks she is a bad person, and should she pursue this new guy? He stammers only she can answer those questions, she shouldn't have come there, and "we wish you no harm." Afraid to tell me, he finally does.

 

I called her direct line at work yesterday, identified myself. Her secretary sends me over and I go directly to voice mail. I call back and she finally picks up.

 

I tell her I only had empathy in my heart for her because three people in a triangle, three get hurt. Until she didn't return my calls. That's when I realized she was a less evolved woman who did not own her choices. Had she had the courage to return my calls, I only had one question for her: How did you give yourself permission to do to me, what your ex did to you? Woman to woman, I could never wrap my head around that.

 

She apologetically, almost hysterically, said that I had no idea what was going on that day in her life, and my calls were escalating. I said three? calls? and that was months ago. You couldn't return my calls in the last six months?

 

I told her I protected her from friends and family that wanted to march on her doorstep and give her a piece of their mind.

 

Her response: (Attack) Well what kind of friends do YOU have? I didn't take the bait.

 

I said I did that because I would never hurt her child.

 

"My child was devasted." "Yes, so were mine. Did you ever think of them?"

 

"I was lied to profusely, repeatedly. You have no idea."

 

"Yes, I do. You got involved with a married man having a breakdown of sorts. What did you expect? We all got lied to."

 

ME: "So what was your purpose of arriving unannounced to my husband's office last week? We don't want you near our family. Stay away. You had no business there."

 

"Oh yes, i did have business there."

 

But NOT WITH HIM. We've moved on. Stay away from us and our family!

 

Oh, I moved on too. There's been nothing, nothing.

 

So, WHY did you stop up to his office unnanounced last week to ask his guidance on your new relationship? We don't care. STAY AWAY FROM US!

 

OW: Oh, I don't like the way this conversation is going...so I am ending it.

 

All of this with high, heavy drama and extreme emotionalism. Over the top. My head is still spinning. Spouse and I discussed it all last night.

 

Wow! My feelings are all over the place. And I should have done this so much sooner.

 

Comments?

[aeh]

Good for you, Spark!

 

I am glad that you

1)confronted her with your knowledge of her visit last week

2)finally had the opportunity to talk to this person who played such a pivotal role in your life

3)saw what she was made of and that she is really wacko

 

 

That must have felt really good. I bet it is hugely therapeutic. Kudos to you!

[bentnotbroken]

Spark I am glad you finally got to have the conversation you needed to have. I also hope and pray you go NC. Trust me, and unstable ow isn't what you want to remain in your life. Be blessed.

[Spark1111]

It was HUGELY therapeutic.

 

I asked my spouse yesterday, is it possible during your breakdown that you crashed into the one person more F'd up on the planet then you at that time?

 

He said he began to realize something was f'd up, he just couldn't be sure who it was and always assumed it was mostly him at that time.

 

And if she had moved on, why visit with charm and sweetness and asking his advice on her new relationship? But then villify him to me with his lying?

 

She was also counting on the fact of him not telling me. Definitely counted on that.

[Spark1111]

Spark I am glad you finally got to have the conversation you needed to have. I also hope and pray you go NC. Trust me, and unstable ow isn't what you want to remain in your life. Be blessed.

 

Thank you Bent. I do feel blessed. Always have. And after I hung up the phone, I did have a fear of sorts. She spins her reality to be above blame.

 

I couldn't place her tone of voice until it hit me: righteous indignation. No growth, no introspection, still a victim of her own, many created, high dramas. Yes, I do have some fear. I think she is vindictive. We'll see.

[NoIDidn't]

What a nutjob!

 

If the OW don't come back looking for sympathy from the former MM, they come back trying to make themselves out into superwoman that no man can resist. It was all "see how great my life is going? I've got a new guy. (Means, I'm having sex with someone else, dontcha know?). We have plans to do this or that. (Means, Hurry up and get me back before he almost takes me off the market.)." Stereotypical mess.

 

"I don't like where this conversation is going" means "I didn't know he told you that I stopped by your office. He wasn't supposed to do that. I thought I still had a hold on him and don't know how to respond to finding out that I don't."

 

She is just the type of divorcee that turns around and does to another woman what was done to her by her H and his OW.

 

Glad he told you about her surprise visit. That was probably a huge wake up call to him.

 

You were WELL within your rights to contact her after she broke NC with that visit and the BS reason for doing it. Well within them.

 

(((Spark1111)))

[NoIDidn't]

 

I couldn't place her tone of voice until it hit me: righteous indignation. No growth, no introspection, still a victim of her own, many created, high dramas. Yes, I do have some fear. I think she is vindictive. We'll see.

 

Then your H should expect a phone call from her complaining about your call.

[Spark1111]

We've discussed that. No call at all. Hopefully I scared her off for good. We'll see.

 

And here is the one parting shot to her before she hung up, and I heard her saying "noooo, noooo," as I was speaking.

 

"Be smart here. I attended a lecture at your building with him way back, and as I left, 4 secretaries gasped, 'OMG! That's blank's wife!"

 

"Everyone in your worplace already knows or suspects. STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY."

[NoIDidn't]

"Be smart here. I attended a lecture at your building with him way back, and as I left, 4 secretaries gasped, 'OMG! That's blank's wife!"

 

"Everyone in your worplace already knows or suspects. STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY."

 

I'm a little slow on the take up today.

 

Were these things she said, or you said. I can't figure out the context.

[Spark1111]

Glad he told you about her surprise visit. That was probably a huge wake up call to him.

 

(((Spark1111)))

 

Yes, the first words out of his mouth were, "she never expected me to tell you, did she?"

 

I said of course not. She counted on it. I caught her by surprise and left her stammering.

 

Also, I think she mistook my well-bred manners in leaving her alone for reticence. I was surprised, and somewhat disappointed, not to meet a more worthy opponent. And what I mean by that was she offered nothing: Not we fell in love, we never meant to, we never meant to hurt you. I thought she would present something along the lines I have read here at LS.

 

Instead, she attacks me, attacks him, blames circumstances outside of her control, evades answering questions on why she visited him out of the blue, and hangs up on me.

 

Sheesh, all that heavy romantic drama in all those text messages I intercepted....I really did expect more.

[Spark1111]

I'm a little slow on the take up today.

 

Were these things she said, or you said. I can't figure out the context.

 

 

I said it to her right as she was hanging up. How are some people soooo delusional that they remain unaware that when a MM and a co-worker hang out together constantly, that most of the women in the worplace have relationship radar that goes up in full antennae????

 

That, after DDay, we attended the lecture and I came home outraged. So much for your secret darling. Every woman there is very aware of your inappropriate relationship. How humiliating for you and her.

 

He transferred to another building in an effort to restore us. I DO respect him for that.

[foreal]

WOOHOO SPARK!! Way to go!

 

there must be something in the air- I am so happy for you and I can relate to the therapuetic feeling you have.

 

(((SPARK)))

 

You confronted the beast. ('beast' is the A and its drama)

 

You spoke with your H about it. You and your H are on the INSIDE, OW is on the outside...the way it should be.

 

Nicely played Spark!!!

[Snowflower]

Hi Spark, I'm glad you final got the chance to speak with her. I know you had been wanting to do this for months.

 

I hope this is the turning point in your recovery that you need to move forward.

 

That is interesting about the other colleagues who knew about the A--how embarrassing for your H--colleagues always seem to figure this when there is a little extra-curricular activity between two co-workers. I've seen it in places where I work--it is SO obvious to everyone else even though the two involved people think they are so sneaky.

 

Just be prepared that she might call your H complaining about your call to her. Although the fact that he told you about her visit last week must have taken the wind out of her sails a little bit.

[NoIDidn't]

I said it to her right as she was hanging up. How are some people soooo delusional that they remain unaware that when a MM and a co-worker hang out together constantly, that most of the women in the worplace have relationship radar that goes up in full antennae????

 

That, after DDay, we attended the lecture and I came home outraged. So much for your secret darling. Every woman there is very aware of your inappropriate relationship. How humiliating for you and her.

 

He transferred to another building in an effort to restore us. I DO respect him for that.

 

Okay. Thanks. Because I thought it was her saying that the people in the new building thought that "she" was his W. Now it makes total sense.

 

With this in mind, she is probably thinking through her options on what to do to "put you in your place", as she doesn't have many without coming off like a total loser since everyone in the office obviously knows if the secretaries do.

 

I'm so glad he moved to another office to help restore your marriage. Your H is only going to learn and grow more from this latest.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, the first words out of his mouth were, "she never expected me to tell you, did she?"

 

I said of course not. She counted on it. I caught her by surprise and left her stammering.

 

Isn't it amazing that she expected him to keep something from you as if they were still in the affair?

 

I have my own recent contact with the OW story to tell, but it was under different circumstances. I think I will start my own thread about it one day.

[PhoenixRise]

Spark you are a warrior woman!!!

 

I am so glad that you finally got the conversation you wanted and you found out the truth about WHO this woman really is.

 

As others have pointed out she was either fishing to see if your H was still mesmerized by her or she was flaunting her fabulous life for him to see what he was missing. Either way she deserved the smack down you gave her.

 

One thing that I have learned from reading here and other places is that no matter what the actual circumstances (WS & BS reconciling, MOW reconciling with BH, etc) SOME OW can not rest unless they can convince themselves that the MM is still in love with them and secretly longing for them.....because WH only stay with the wives for the children, security, and history you know and only the APs know true love.

 

Your H telling you about her visit let her know that his allegiance and love is with you and she didn't know how to take it.

 

AND of course she thinks you are vicious. You showed up as a fully realized woman with your own feelings, strengths, passions, and a life that was important to you to protect.

You were supposed to crumple....then she could just pity you and feel superior.

 

 

AND Spark, I know the trickle truths have been driving you crazy, but the fact that your H told you this, when he could have kept it a secret says a lot about the man he is trying to be. I am so happy that he is showing up for you.

[Spark1111]

It's not all peachy.

 

After I hung up, I thought: For that? You almost tossed me, us, our lives, our legacy, for a crazy drama queen who was playing you? Was still trying to play you?

 

For that?

So, it wasn't some great romantic love affair, like I thought. (Empowering!)

 

So she is a smart, charming professional, but it took me three minutes to realize the levels of insecurity and mental instabilities lying just below the facade, something you did not realize for EIGHTEEN MONTHS? (Not empowering.)

 

I have wasted all this time and energy and angst and pain....for that woman!!!!!

 

I should have called her soon after DDAY. And I do not know why so many friends and family and professionals reccommend NOT to do that. Bigh mistake.

 

If you are a smart, confident woman, with good intuition maybe it only takes three minutes to assess THAT kind of woman.

[Spark1111]

Spark you are a warrior woman!!!

 

I am so glad that you finally got the conversation you wanted and you found out the truth about WHO this woman really is.

 

As others have pointed out she was either fishing to see if your H was still mesmerized by her or she was flaunting her fabulous life for him to see what he was missing. Either way she deserved the smack down you gave her.

 

One thing that I have learned from reading here and other places is that no matter what the actual circumstances (WS & BS reconciling, MOW reconciling with BH, etc) SOME OW can not rest unless they can convince themselves that the MM is still in love with them and secretly longing for them.....because WH only stay with the wives for the children, security, and history you know and only the APs know true love.

 

Your H telling you about her visit let her know that his allegiance and love is with you and she didn't know how to take it.

 

AND of course she thinks you are vicious. You showed up as a fully realized woman with your own feelings, strengths, passions, and a life that was important to you to protect.

You were supposed to crumple....then she could just pity you and feel superior.

 

 

AND Spark, I know the trickle truths have been driving you crazy, but the fact that your H told you this, when he could have kept it a secret says a lot about the man he is trying to be. I am so happy that he is showing up for you.

 

Yes, me too. He was soooo uncomfortable. It was sooooo brazen. And of course, I had to ask, any residual feelings?

 

He replied, not a one. What was I thinking???? What an azzhole I've been.

 

And I hugged him, told him how sorry I was he had to go through that, and said, "As your oldest friend, if you no longer wanted me, I am so happy you did not choose her! She would have made your life a living hell with her mind games."

 

Strange isn't it? The BS telling the WS, well...if not me, thank GOD not her. You'dabeenmiserable.

[PhoenixRise]

It's not all peachy.

 

After I hung up, I thought: For that? You almost tossed me, us, our lives, our legacy, for a crazy drama queen who was playing you? Was still trying to play you?

 

For that?

So, it wasn't some great romantic love affair, like I thought. (Empowering!)

 

So she is a smart, charming professional, but it took me three minutes to realize the levels of insecurity and mental instabilities lying just below the facade, something you did not realize for EIGHTEEN MONTHS? (Not empowering.)

I have wasted all this time and energy and angst and pain....for that woman!!!!!

 

I should have called her soon after DDAY. And I do not know why so many friends and family and professionals reccommend NOT to do that. Bigh mistake.

 

If you are a smart, confident woman, with good intuition maybe it only takes three minutes to assess THAT kind of woman.

 

This says to me that your H's affair was NOT about THIS woman or some great star crossed love (even if they did say things like this to each other).

 

It really was about something broken within your H. It really was about him loving how she made him feel about himself, so much so that he didn't even truly look beneath the surface with her. He didn't know she is certifiable because he never looked that deep into who she actually is. What mattered is how she made him feel.

 

She was a temporary substitute for therapy.

[The Collector]

1. Yes, you kicked her ass and scared her off for good, and you should justifiably feel proud of the dignified way you handled it.

 

2. She was definitely fishing to see if he was still interested, and completely floored that he told you all about it.

 

3. From your account she was incredibly uncomfortable with your confrontation and floundered like, well, a home-wrecking flounder. But I don't see how she was almost certifiable, so if it makes you feel better your husband's 'taste' isn't beyond question. Attraction is a funny, non-logical thing at the best of times. Men often go for crazy chicks because they feel they are 'helping' them - same with girls and bad-boys. You'd really feel better if it was some 'great romance'? Presumably he stayed with you because he knew you were the better woman. That it took him a long time to realise that is down to all sorts of factors I know nothing about. But just enjoy your triumph and don't get your husband to 'justify' why she was worth an affair - anything positive he'll say about her will probably make you upset, right?

 

5. Again, you kicked her ass. Just enjoy it.

[Spark1111]

So agree, NOW, Pheonix. Like I truly got a handle on it.

 

He couldn't save himself, so how appealing to be able to help this damsel in distress with all of her ongoing drama. And I now believe, she saw him coming a mile away, where before I had always given her the benefit of the doubt and blamed him .

 

That's WHY he could not remember so many of the details. This was NOT two star-crossed lovers pining away for each other. That might have been her fantasy. But his fantasy was trying to help someone when he could not help himself.

 

All his details are about her dramas, and how flattering she was to him. That's about it. People truly falling in love with each other remember everything.

 

THe reality as I perceive it now: Two depressive angry people feeding off, or creating drama to feel more alive.

 

She is still there, and God help the next man she spins to be her knight in shining armor.

 

He has so grown stronger and more confident.

 

I've told him how great it is to have him back.

 

And I have always asked him, why were you so miserable? If affairs make most people happier, why not you?

 

 

I get it now,

[NoIDidn't]

So she is a smart, charming professional, but it took me three minutes to realize the levels of insecurity and mental instabilities lying just below the facade, something you did not realize for EIGHTEEN MONTHS? (Not empowering.)

 

I have wasted all this time and energy and angst and pain....for that woman!!!!!

 

I should have called her soon after DDAY. And I do not know why so many friends and family and professionals reccommend NOT to do that. Bigh mistake.

 

If you are a smart, confident woman, with good intuition maybe it only takes three minutes to assess THAT kind of woman.

 

I totally agree with this. It doesn't take long to know the character of some people.

 

But, I think your H did realize who and what she was - he was just after a bandaid and he got it. My H said just as much about his EA. He indeed knew what kind of woman he was dealing with and exactly how far this relationship was going to go - whether or not I found out about it. I think your H knew too, whether he feels comfortable admitting this to you or not as well.

 

And, yes, you definitely should have called her sooner. You would have saved yourself some angst. But things happen the way they happen for a reason. I am a person of my word. So, when I promised my H, I wouldn't contact his co-worker even though I had ALL her info, I didn't do it. But when I found out that he was still in contact with her after giving me his word that he wouldn't, I no longer felt bound to my word.

 

It really does pay to contact the OP as soon as you know who they are and are calm enough to give them the chance to reveal themselves - which they usually do in short order (three minutes is actually kinda long, LOL).

[eeyore1981]

It's not all peachy.

 

After I hung up, I thought: For that? You almost tossed me, us, our lives, our legacy, for a crazy drama queen who was playing you? Was still trying to play you?

 

For that?

So, it wasn't some great romantic love affair, like I thought. (Empowering!)

 

So she is a smart, charming professional, but it took me three minutes to realize the levels of insecurity and mental instabilities lying just below the facade, something you did not realize for EIGHTEEN MONTHS? (Not empowering.)

 

I have wasted all this time and energy and angst and pain....for that woman!!!!!

 

I should have called her soon after DDAY. And I do not know why so many friends and family and professionals reccommend NOT to do that. Bigh mistake.

 

If you are a smart, confident woman, with good intuition maybe it only takes three minutes to assess THAT kind of woman.

 

Oh, girl, I so know what you are saying. That is one of the problems I have had, I think I could have taken it better if he had 'traded up'.

 

I called OW the day after I found out. One of the first things out of her mouth to me was, "You have no right to be upset." I still managed to feel sorry for her for another couple of weeks after that, but she is a raging nutjob. She told me on another occasion she was doing God's work. I told her I didn't realize God was a pimp. ???

 

The times I have run into her, (we live in a small town) I have made sure to confront her in some humiliating way. This woman used my child as an in with my H, and I'm still halfway of the mind H and she deserve each other, but she needs to stay far away from my children, which she does, as she is now terrified of me and whatever I may do next. I still have anger my H exposed my children to this crazy, crazy person.

[Spark1111]

And it is amazing.....how she sooooo underestimated me, like I knew nothing about anything about THEM!

 

As if I was the devasted BS that just took him back, no questions asked, for the sake of the family. That I did not value myself enough to look too closely. She was almost smug in the beginning...like I was the poor wifey. UGH!

 

Really must have bought into his affair bulls**T that I was someone to be pitied? Feel superior to? That he stayed for the kids? That I was a woman who would never challenge her? That walking into his office unnanounced would stir it back up again? Feed her fragile ego?

 

I mean I have put the man through hell for this affair, and he has atoned everyday to me and his children.

 

So I was surprised by her attitude, and how quickly she crumpled. See, she should have taken my phone calls six months ago, but she chose not to, telling him I was viscious.

 

If I had been vicious, she would have never walked into his office last week. She mistook my kindness for obsequiousness. She got caught in a that lie.

 

Big mistake.

[NoIDidn't]

This says to me that your H's affair was NOT about THIS woman or some great star crossed love (even if they did say things like this to each other).

 

It really was about something broken within your H. It really was about him loving how she made him feel about himself, so much so that he didn't even truly look beneath the surface with her. He didn't know she is certifiable because he never looked that deep into who she actually is. What mattered is how she made him feel.

 

She was a temporary substitute for therapy.

 

He couldn't save himself, so how appealing to be able to help this damsel in distress with all of her ongoing drama. And I now believe, she saw him coming a mile away, where before I had always given her the benefit of the doubt and blamed him .

 

That's WHY he could not remember so many of the details. This was NOT two star-crossed lovers pining away for each other. That might have been her fantasy. But his fantasy was trying to help someone when he could not help himself.

 

All his details are about her dramas, and how flattering she was to him. That's about it. People truly falling in love with each other remember everything.

 

THe reality as I perceive it now: Two depressive angry people feeding off, or creating drama to feel more alive.

 

I agree, too. And I agree with the "why" he can't remember so many of the details. I am sure that our H's remember more than they put on, but its probably insignificant or more embarrassing for them and their OP to tell us about it.

 

I think the details being all about "her dramas" is how their connection began to begin with.

 

My H ran into his former co-worker/OW at a local festival he performed at. Everyone else is doing small talk and saying "hello" and "great performance". Her? She has to let him know how she's fared since the worst breakup ever. Oh, her boyfriend left her after my phone call and got some other girl pregnant. A girl I think he ended up marrying. And on and on and on. The other people standing by for the conversation were in shock that she was so indiscreet about it. It was not a conversation to have an audience for, but that's what she did.

 

See what I mean by seeking sympathy? I don't think she knows of any other way to relate to people though.

 

And I feel the same is probably how it is with this exOW too. Her exH left her for an OW. She needed someone to commiserate with. Your H signed up for that job. She probably used the affair to prove to herself and to her exH that she was still desirable. And since the affair is over, she needed to *show* your H she moved on as well, but by trying to see if he moved on instead.

 

I used to only blame my H as well. But now I can see how some OW really do make many moves to continue to encourage things to continue on in the affairs. It really does take two to tango.