What is there to do? (Sorry its long)

[HLP234]

I have this problem that I seem to talk to my friends and they all don't understand it, and neither do I. Basically, I'm dating a wonderful girl that I always wanted to be with, we've known each other for 5 years and I was her best friend and we have always gotten along so well.

 

Well this started out as a long distance relationship between me and her but now she lives about 5 minutes away and I can see her all the time.

At one point, she tells me that she has this amazing connection with her best friend(guy) and that she loves me to death and doesn't like him, but she wants that connection with me. I asked her what she meant and she says she can't explain it. She says that he just gets her and understands how she feels without having to say anything, and apparently he also know what she is thinking, she says.

 

I treat her with all my respect, I always talked her into a good mood when she was upset with her previous boyfriends or had any problems, I always made her feel so good. She told me that Im the perfect guy and I do everything right but she still wants a connection like she has with her best friend. Now she is upset about the future, and we both worry about what will happen. She says it is suppose to happen naturally, not something I can change myself for. We had arguments recently because I saw comments and such on facebook and myspace between the two of them and I was thinking that she is just falling for him, but she re-assured me she wasn't.

 

She says the guy doesn't want to interfere with our relationship and he said he feels like he shouldnt talk to her because it may confuse her and she may make the wrong decision. She got mad about that, saying she was offended because it had nothing to do with him and her. Now her best friend won't talk to her about these type of problems because he doesn't want to feel like he is hindering our relationship. She says to me that she doesn't want to loose a best friend who was always there for her over this. Also, I asked her about her previos boyfriends, and she said she never had or looked for this type of connection yet she was in like 2 year relationships with each of them.

 

Where am I suppose to find this connection? How will I know, I've never been different towards her since we started dating, always tell her I love her because I do, massage her, do cute things. All of a sudden before she moves near me this happens, and she brings this connection thing up. We have had similar fights before where it seemed like she would just bring up problems that did not exist. I understand thats partially because her last boyfriend cheater on her and treated her like crap.

 

She said that I aggravate her by asking too many questions, not understanding what she says sometimes, and not leaving her be when she is upset. I have started to change that a few days ago, but she told me this in September. Now she says she doesn't wait for ever and she is very impatient.

 

She told me today that she does not know what she wants at all and that if she knew she would be telling me. She also is telling me that she will be making her decision whether we should be together or not based on if we have that connection she has with her best friend.

 

This is really hard for me and its sad for both of us. Since she's been here we hang out everyday but she doesn't act the same, we haven't done anything intimately in a long time either. I'm really wondering if she just wants someone else?

 

What should be done? I want to be with this girl, I never met anyone like her before and I really love her because of the way she is.

 

She says that she doesn't want to leave me and that's what is making her upset and sad. I think she just doesnt want to tell me she likes her best friend and wants him, although she has never lied to me before, and she told me if she was gonna do that, she would not have moved next to me in the first place.

 

Basically I think she rushed into the relationship after her ex boyfriend treated her like crap and I told her I would wait as long as she needed to get better but she thought I would would be gone. And now she is saying that she never really went on a date without a boyfriend..I dunno what to get from all this.

 

Also, she never said it was over, on facebook it says we are still dating. She says that she wants time to her self and to be alone, and I said that I would giver her all the time she wants. I havent talked to her and she IM'ed me saying she hurt so bad and that she wishes she could just come and see me but at the same time, she can't make her decision if she is worrying about hurting me. Yet, she says she really wants me in her life.

 

So while I sit here and not say anything to her at all each day, it hurts a lot and it makes me worry so much about what is really going on. She told me last time she felt a lil better and wasn't sad because she could think. But this so painful for me to just sit and wait because I dunno if she knows how I feel, although I have told her. I really hope she does not make the wrong decision

[name witheld]

Sorry to hear about that but it really sounds like she is going to leave you. I think perhaps you have been giving too much and smothering her with attention, its only natural if you feel someone drifting away.

 

I would bet that her mind is already made up and she will use the connection thing as an excuse. She may or may not be falling for her best friend, but I would not make that a concern.

 

I think you have 3 options:

 

Dump her and go NC

Withdraw and go LC

Keep pining and watch as she leaves you

 

If you dump her and go NC it may just be bringing the inevetible forward and although she may use it as an excuse to do 'whatever' I can guarantee you it would be nothing she would not have been planning on doing if she leaves you. She will just feel less guilty about it.

 

If you withdraw it may reverse the over-attention and *might* save things. But I suspect it will be too late and she may just think you are doing it out of fear. This would most likely make her end the relationship.

 

I won't even discuss option three.

 

If it was me I would go option two but do it in a gradual manner so as not to 'shock' her into leaving. I think you would be giving her what she wants but in a controlled fashion.

 

Will see how this progresses. Good luck.

[name witheld]

I will say one more thing, hopefully to help you.

 

Connection = Attraction

 

Doesn't mean that she is actually attracted to this guy but that is what she is implying.

[HLP234]

Thanks a lot for the response. I know that Im a nice guy and I may have been babying her. At one point early in the relationship she said that I was not giving her enough attention and not doing enough cute things. So I did that, and then I guess once you do everything they want, and it goes perfectly, they just get bored and worried, think about stuff that could go wrong and bring that up.

 

Well I havent talked to her for a whole day since she said she wanted to be alone, we are still not broken up. She randomly texts me asking why I havent talked to her all day?

 

I responded saying that she wanted to be a lone and then she said if she felt better she will come see me tomorrow because she misses me. I then said nothing but Ok. I kept it short and simple because I didn't want to sound dependent on her. She got surprised and said she thought I would be more excited about that? I told her I was excited and then she didn't believe me and told me she loves me and she wasnt feeling good so she went to bed.

 

Did I do something wrong? Should I of texted back a storm of excitement when she said she was coming to see me? You dunno how hard it was not to say anything to her at all all day when and sit there and wonder why isn't she contacting me first, which she than did.

[oneandone]

No you did everything right in my opinion. That "ok" you sent was perfect. Keep your responses brief and dont ever make too much or come off too excited into anything she sends you. You will appear not dependent on her, and it will drive her crazy. Now when you do meet her again in person, come off as confident and just confused by the whole situation. Make her realize this is HER doing and HER decision, and you're fine with or without her. But you obviously still love her and am willing to put forth the effort to "make it work" if she is. You can even imply if she needs to take her space she can do that, and youll always be there to "hang out" or whatever, but make it KNOWN you also have to look out for yourself as you cant put all your eggs in one basket just to get burned.

 

From your post I can tell this girl is just confused about not only you, her best friend, but probably about what she wants in life in general. I dated one very similar and I messed up at this exact stage you are at. Just be understanding and somewhat supportive, but also appear as if you can stand on your own 2 feet just fine(I know this is tough to do and its confusing, but girls are weird with what they want at certain stages of a relationship and she maybe just testing you a little bit). This "connection" she is seeking with you is such a lame cover up to tell you she has feelings for this other guy and wants to see what she can or cant get away with. If shes gone as far as talking to YOU about this other guy, then Im sorry but shes obviously thinking about him a lot more than you expect.

 

Name_withheld is right with the 3 options and number 2 is your best bet. Just play it right by keeping your distance, putting the guilt on her indecisiveness, and effectively communicating your feelings (in person only) whenever you get the chance.

Edited November 23, 2009 by oneandone

[HLP234]

I'm starting to understand more now, everyone is telling me similar things. I too myself believed the connection thing is just a cover up in a way so she can tell me she is somewhat attracted to this guy. They hung out a lot a few days before she moved here.

 

The only bad thing about option two is, depending on how stubborn she is, and knowing her, she always takes things the exact opposite of what I meant, she will prolly think I'm telling her I don't want her anymore and she will just break it off then.

 

But if she comes to see me today, I bet you she will still be in a bad mood. Every time since she's been here, she was in a sad crappy mood and I haven't been able to get her out of it.

 

She is letting this connection thing blind her to anything else that I may be able to do for her. I will give her space, but I won't wait forever, she says though, she does not know when she will make her decision and she is not putting a time frame because she wants to see if we can work out.

 

 

Well hell, if you want to see it work out, you can't shut me out, tell me you wanna be by yourself at a time when you are not feeling well. We definitely have to spend more time together from when we were in a long distance relationship to get used to ourselves now because we are so much closer. I mean she's only been here about a week and she is not even situated in the area yet...she's very home sick.

 

One more thing..If now I'm trying to seem non dependent on her, and I was nice and attention giving to her when we started dating up until now, won't she think something weird is going on? I mean someone who is nice all the time and then suddenly changes, that may make the other person worry or freak out more, no?

Edited November 23, 2009 by HLP234

[oneandone]

I'm starting to understand more now, everyone is telling me similar things. I too myself believed the connection thing is just a cover up in a way so she can tell me she is somewhat attracted to this guy. They hung out a lot a few days before she moved here.

 

The only bad thing about option two is, depending on how stubborn she is, and knowing her, she always takes things the exact opposite of what I meant, she will prolly think I'm telling her I don't want her anymore and she will just break it off then.

 

But if she comes to see me today, I bet you she will still be in a bad mood. Every time since she's been here, she was in a sad crappy mood and I haven't been able to get her out of it.

 

She is letting this connection thing blind her to anything else that I may be able to do for her. I will give her space, but I won't wait forever, she says though, she does not know when she will make her decision and she is not putting a time frame because she wants to see if we can work out.

 

 

Well hell, if you want to see it work out, you can't shut me out, tell me you wanna be by yourself at a time when you are not feeling well. We definitely have to spend more time together from when we were in a long distance relationship to get used to ourselves now because we are so much closer. I mean she's only been here about a week and she is not even situated in the area yet...she's very home sick.

 

One more thing..If now I'm trying to seem non dependent on her, and I was nice and attention giving to her when we started dating up until now, won't she think something weird is going on? I mean someone who is nice all the time and then suddenly changes, that may make the other person worry or freak out more, no?

Thats the toughest part bro. Sticking up for yourself, but at the same time showing her you still care. You dont have to go complete no contact on her, just keep your texts/ emails/ IM's sort of brief and to the point. Even throw in a joke now and again to make her laugh. But dont always run when she calls. Dont text right back, dont call her right away. Start hanging out with friends more, or go to the gym, or stay late at work. Just be busy so it doesnt seem like this is all you care about right now. Like I said, act CONFUSED and use HER words against her. This was HER decision, so when she gets upset make her realize it (i.e I dont know why youre getting upset, you said this is what you wanted?).

 

If she wants to play this game of "i cant make up my mind" then you need to make it known that you can be supportive, but she sure as hell is not the only fish in the sea. Im sure you have a lot to offer this girl, and you have definitely shown her the type of man you are. You dont need to keep falling for these games as all it does is slow down your relationship.

 

In my opinion, shes acting this way because you basically have "smothered" her to the point where shes gotten bored and happen to stumble upon this "best friend" and its making her think about her situation with you. This is NORMAL for chicks. So back off a little bit, play it smooth (dont get upset or angry or frustrated -- that pushes them further away), and make her realize losing you would be the biggest mistake of her life.

Edited November 24, 2009 by oneandone

[HLP234]

That is exactly what I plan on doing, not worrying so much on it. I mean, you can have friends of the opposite sex but you have to draw a line at one point if you see that it is making you think twice about the relationship you are currently in.

 

She told me she lost her best friend because he is mad at her now. Well it was dumb of him I think to tell her that he wants to stop talking to her because it will affect her decision and our relationship.

 

I have not contacted her since and she kept texting me asking questions about what I would be doing later in the upcoming days, but not coming straight forward with "I want to do something."

 

She finally asked if I wanted to go see a movie and get something to eat. I said I would and then she said alright its a date! Then she was like, "See time works for me." But I'm still gonna continue to realize that this is her doing by going and talking to others about our problems to the point that she doesn't know what she wants..I won't bring that up unless I see she is really not letting it go after some time.

 

My friends tell me to just forget about her that she will just continue to do this, because all her friends are guys. Maybe if she had friends here she would feel better.

[HLP234]

We still didn't get a chance to hang out yet. She said she wants to go on a date with me, since she never really went on one. I have been busy with stuff so I did not have time to plan anything. She reminded me her birthday is soon too.

 

I'm just confused because we don't talk like we used to, apparently she says we are on break, but still together. She still says I love you and stuff like that when she stops talking to me. I dunno what to make of this, or what will happen.

 

I just hope when we do meet up some time that things work out somehow. Right now it just feels like I dunno what I am waiting for anymore, always worrying about what she is thinking because she hasn't told me what the decision was, or how long we will be on this break..It just messes with my mind.