I am an awful, mean idiot

[stace79]

Wow. I never saw this coming. Will keep as brief as possible. My fiance and I were engaged since May 22, but long distance as he moved for a better job. I then got pregnant in August when he came down for my best friend's wedding.

 

I apparently do not handle pregnancy well. I became severely depressed, angry and even suicidal. I didn't want to talk to anyone; got in fights with my family and with fiance; withdrew from all my friends and all my activities. It was a most horrible experience, both mentally and physically. In addition to what I believe was clinical depression, I also experienced severe nausea/morning sickness, sleeplessness, muscle spasms and even something my doctor called sciatica, a problem with a nerve in my buttock/hip/back of leg. I have never felt so awful in my life, or so hopeless that I would ever feel better.

 

On top of that, my R was a LDR. I couldn't see my fiance for weeks or even months at a time. Prior to my getting pregnant my plan was to move there with him some time in the spring and get married in the fall. But with a baby, that move looked impossible due to lack of good jobs there for me, and I needed my salary to pay my health insurance (no group insurance with my current employer).

 

 

The stress and clinical depression turned me into a monster. I said and did horrible things to many people, but especially my fiance. He turned into an enemy -- I started wanting to consider adopting, and he refused. We fought; I even threatened having an abortion at one point. I tried to explain I felt trapped. I felt I had few options, none good. I could:

• Keep baby, but not be with him (he didn't want an indefinite LDR) and have to see the man I love date other women
  
• Have an abortion that I didn't want
  
• Fight him for custody so that I could have the baby adopted
  

It was awful, and I didn't handle it well. I just got more angry, depressed and withdrawn. Finally I broke up with him, and after more nasty arguments, he agreed to let me have the baby adopted.

 

It ended up not mattering -- I had a miscarriage just this past weekend at 13 weeks. My doctor felt it was due to the extreme stress and depression. I was even hospitalized with a migraine due to it (they were worried about a blood clot).

 

While I am sad about the loss of my baby, I feel in some ways like a cloud was lifted off my head. I feel like "myself" again. I told my dr., family and friends it was like I was held hostage in my own body -- doing and saying things that were just awful and totally not me. My fiance had even said it was like I was someone else, the way I acted.

 

He tried being really supportive after my miscarriage. He has stayed on the phone with me and listened to me cry for hours. He checks in on me regularly to make sure I'm doing okay and to let me know he is thinking of me.

 

He said today he is still as madly in love with me as when he proposed, but that he thinks it was the right decision for us to break up, and he just wants to focus on being my friend and helping me get back to normal.

 

I don't want that at all! I am just crushed to hear him say "I love you, but I want to change those feelings." I agree we had issues before, but I feel it is sort of unfair that he not give me a chance to rectify my behavior, given that I was clinically depressed! I probably should have been on medication!

 

I just don't know what to do. He asked me to meet with his parents and discuss things with them, which I e-mailed to arrange. He thinks he needs their opinion on what I am saying now, but that as of today his mindset is that he wants to move forward as just my friend. I can't just be his friend.

 

So even though I agreed to arrange time to speak with his family, I have asked him not to contact me anymore. I'm just crushed. I have lost my baby, and now I have lost the man I love. If nothing else proves that my psychotic behavior was due to the pregnancy issues, losing him should make me feel suicidal again, but I don't. I am just horribly heartbroken. I didn't think he would just abandon me this way.

[stace79]

Sorry, I guess I should also add that while his job away from me was better, it was not solid enough for me to quit working and move there with him. Additionally, due to his field, there are not many if any jobs available for him to move back here without giving up his career aspirations.

[Ronni_W]

stace,

I'm terribly sorry for all the difficulties you've had to endure these recent months. My deepest sympathy on the loss of your baby.

Wishing you Comfort, Guidance and Healing;

and sending LOTS of hugs.

[littlebittle]

I'm sorry, this is an extraordinarily difficult situation. I really feel for both of you. You had to go through so much physical and emotional pain, and then your fiance had to try to make sense of it. On top of all of that, long distance relationships are hard as it is. It's really a lot of stress for any couple.

 

This might sound strange, but I think sometimes breakups can be good for people. Sometimes stuff just gets too intense and heavy, and you need that space to gain a better perspective. Stress like this would affect anyone. From what you've said, it's not like you guys were incompatible, or someone was cheating. Something really traumatic occurred that pushed you apart, and it was outside of your control.

 

I don't think you should give up on this relationship. Give your ex-fiance some time and space, and give yourself a chance to heal from all of this. I know you just want to be back with him, but keep in mind that you just went through something really traumatic, and it's really important that you take care of yourself at this point. Be patient with your ex, keep communication open, and most importantly, take care of yourself.

 

Good luck, I know you'll be ok.

[WTRanger]

I don't think he is abandoning you that way. If he is willing to still support you as a friend to help you recover from this, then in no way is that abandoning you.

 

There isn't much you can do except focus on yourself. Get yourself back on your feet and who knows? Maybe once your mind and body have recovered the two of you can pick back up where you left off. As long as he is still in your life, without the pressure of the LDR, then maybe once the dust settles the two of you can make better decisions not based on heated, raw, at the moment emotions.

[stace79]

Thanks to all of you.... it's really helpful to hear that from unbiased people, especially other guys. My fiance -- er, ex -- and I had a long, emotional talk last night. There is a lot more hurt there on his side than I had realized.

 

I think you're all right, and he somewhat echoed what you've said: that he needs time to get over some of the horrible things I said/did. The only difference is that he really does believe we aren't compatible anymore. He told me that to give me false hope of us getting back together at any time would be wrong, because he really doesn't want to worry about anything other than being my friend.

 

The only problem with that is, for me to recover from all this, I think trying to "just be friends" right now will do nothing but pick at a scab every time I speak with him.

 

So I think we are just letting go at this point. On one hand, I keep thinking that being just a friend is the punishment I should be forced to endure, just for all the horrible things I said. But then again, if I really want to get better, I don't know that being his friend will help me get there. So if I'm going to lose him anyway, I may as well just lose him now and be able to get well, right?

[stace79]

God, help me... this just sucks. I miss him SO MUCH. He sent me a text yesterday saying good morning and asking how I was doing, and he also said he would always love me. He asked if I'd spoken to his parents (he thought that would be helpful I guess) so I did have an hour long convo with them last night.

 

They were extraordinarily kind and forgiving. They said they felt we did the best we could at the time in the situation, and they knew going forward we would make the best decisions for us. I am not sure what that means exactly, but his mom did say that time cures all wounds.

 

Then today a mutual friend of ours who my fiance -- ex fiance -- really admires called me. He said don't give up -- when I told him how much I love my ex and want to be with him, he said he'd bet we could have another chance. He was going to try to talk to my ex later today or this week some time. I want to believe everyone that we might still have a chance, but I'm just so scared I've lost him forever.

 

I would pack up and move tomorrow and take some crappy waitress job if he would have me.

[kickintheaz]

hi Stace, sorry to hear about the pain and turmoil you've been experiencing and may I also extend my sympathys on the loss of your baby.

 

You must remember though, this man proposed to you 6 months ago? presumably was happy (before the arguments) you were going to have a child together? took a better job elsewhere and kept it to provide for his impending family? has supported you through this emotional rollercoaster the whole time? HIS parents are supportive and forgiving? from an outsiders (male) point of view that is a lot of positives right there..

 

I'm speaking as someone who saw something similar (to a degree) occur within my family group. And yes, there was a depression involved and I saw a side of that family member i never knew existed and her husband bore the brunt of the emotional stress she was under. It took time for them both to accept what had happened, discuss it and move on from it, that was after their first child and before their 2nd together and now they are expecting number 3..

 

your fiance is probably terribly confused, he has seen a side of you that none of you knew existed (even you!), you weren't the person he fell in love with and maybe he is just coming to terms with everything that has happened. Remember, he has also lost a baby (although I fully understand that your loss is deeper), the woman he proposed to went thru a traumatic experience and maybe he just cannot understand why your personality changed, maybe there is guilt on his part that he was not around as much, there are a lot of 'what if' questions one can ask in this situation.

 

But the other posters are right, you need to heal now, not just emotionally, but physically too. You have been through a huge amount all at once. Focus on you, the rest will fall into place. I don't believe you will lose him so quickly, those who know you best are looking out for you and they would not be giving you false hope surely?

 

His mom is right, time does cure all wounds, and as my mom would say 'whats for you won't go past you'...

 

Right now, you both need time, he seems to be very much in the picture and once he comes to terms with what has happened, there may, possibly, be a chance for you both Remember the positives, but look after you now. As littlebittle said, keep communication open, he needs to be able to share in this loss with you also if you are both to come to terms with it. Clearer heads will make more sense of it all when the fog of emotion has lifted somewhat.

 

I wish you luck Stace.. friends and family will help but do post here when all else fails, sometimes putting thoughts on a page can give you more clarity than talking in circles.

[stace79]

Well, I wouldn't say he was thrilled to have the baby, because we just weren't prepared. But he was adjusting to it and coming to terms with the fact that we could hopefully make it work. He started looking forward in some ways to being a dad.

 

I just miss him so much. I still wear his ring, even though not on my left hand. I keep looking at my first ultrasound pictures and wondering if I had just gotten better help from a doctor, might I still have my fiance and our baby?

 

I am torn right now between holding out hope and trying my hardest to just be his friend for now, and just giving up that we will ever have a chance to be together anymore. Both scenarios just break my heart in pieces. He only wants to speak to me two, maybe three times per week, and the only time he's mentioned seeing me is one night over Christmas time when he visits family near me.

 

That's two months away! I SO want to do what he wants and respect his wishes -- which is for me to be his friend. But it hurts so badly. All I want is to see him. I keep picturing the last time I flew to see him and he picked me up at the airport -- I literally flung myself at him, I was so happy to hug him again. I just want that so badly.

 

I know that when all is said and done, I have no choice but to do what he, and you, and everyone else are saying -- let him be for the time being. Just have to vent because I can't possibly keep pain this strong to myself.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm also inclined to try to understand the psychological/hormonal side to this.

Psychologically, because you were neither of you prepared for this pregnancy, there might have been some kind of an unconscious resistance to it.

Sadly, this may have been exacerbated by a huge hormonal shift which altered your personality drastically.

if you consider having children in the future, bear this in mind, should it recur. Don't let it put you off having children if you want them. Just consider that the experience of pregnancy might really not agree with you, and something needs doing.....

 

I think you need to speak to someone.

I also think your ex- needs to understand that you quite literally were not in your own mind, and that the behaviour was uncharacteristic and really not 'you' at all.

I'm sorry, but I think his terminating the relationship is both inconsiderate and frankly, callous.

If he cannot be supportive of your situation, in hindsight, then really, you need to ask yourself whether you could count on him in future to be a strong partner to lean on.

That you went through this with no medical support, assistance or understanding is dreadful.

 

I wish you well, look after yourself, and take care.

[stace79]

I'm also inclined to try to understand the psychological/hormonal side to this.

Psychologically, because you were neither of you prepared for this pregnancy, there might have been some kind of an unconscious resistance to it.

Sadly, this may have been exacerbated by a huge hormonal shift which altered your personality drastically.

if you consider having children in the future, bear this in mind, should it recur. Don't let it put you off having children if you want them. Just consider that the experience of pregnancy might really not agree with you, and something needs doing......

 

I'm glad someone understands! I am back in counseling now, and my counselor does agree that this was a huge hormonal shift. I think the only other person who remotely "gets it" is his mother, because she had severe post-partum depression.

 

I saw a different doctor at my OB and he seemed to sympathize and understand, and he also said I would not be prohibited from ever having children, but that I'd need to be prepared next time. I've made plans to prevent my ever getting pregnant unplanned again to avoid any circumstances that would exacerbate that condition.

 

I think you need to speak to someone.

I also think your ex- needs to understand that you quite literally were not in your own mind, and that the behaviour was uncharacteristic and really not 'you' at all.

I'm sorry, but I think his terminating the relationship is both inconsiderate and frankly, callous.

If he cannot be supportive of your situation, in hindsight, then really, you need to ask yourself whether you could count on him in future to be a strong partner to lean on.

That you went through this with no medical support, assistance or understanding is dreadful.

 

I wish you well, look after yourself, and take care.

 

I'm trying to show him that not only was that not me, but that I have even learned things to improve my true self from the experience. I have told him I know it doesn't change the things I said, but that it was truly a medical condition.

 

He's being as supportive as he can, but not in the context of a romantic R. He wants to be my friend and he wants me to get better. I actually ended the R during my pregnancy, when I was frankly nuts. It was a horrible, rash decision that I didn't think through clearly.

 

I appreciate your alternative viewpoint though. Def things to think about.