Contacting my wife.

[Aksion]

So with the separation papers in hand and ready to go I am at a loss at where to go from here. It's obvious that she isn't making any attempts to actually speak with/ see me. She's dropped lines on her myspace about how she is happy with her NEW life and basically wants me to hurry up and get these papers done so she can move on with said "new" life.

 

With that said, I have a few things I'd like yall's opinion on.

 

First -- should I give her what she wants and do all the work in ending our marriage although I didn't want this?

 

Next -- if I do go through with it, I'll be contacting her by e-mail, what the he'll do I say? "Papers are ready to be signed -- meet me "where/when"." ? I've already set it out in my head to not see her if/when we sign as I'll get there early and just come back for my papers once she has left.

 

On that note though -- SHOULD I be there to see her? I know for me it would be tough as all the emotions from times past would flood over me -- same for her maybe? Maybe she'll want to talk because she knows this is really about to be done with?

 

Last thing -- her b-day is Sunday. Everyone I know says to ignore it, I almost feel like I should at least send her a card/letter/something. Wrong thing to do and maybe I should listen to those around me?

[Logik]

I didn't want the divorce, so I'm not filing for anything. She has to do it if it's what she wants. It's her decision to do this, so she needs to go through with it. IMO, your STBXW should have to do the work. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you don't want to file, let her know that it's up to her to do it. If she can't wait for it to be over, then she must do something to end it, not sit back and expect you to give it to her.

 

I wouldn't send a card for her birthday. It's my anniversary this week and I'm not sending anything. I'm actually gonna go out and enjoy myself. Do my own thing.

[WTFO]

I didn't want the divorce, so I'm not filing for anything. She has to do it if it's what she wants. It's her decision to do this, so she needs to go through with it. IMO, your STBXW should have to do the work. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you don't want to file, let her know that it's up to her to do it. If she can't wait for it to be over, then she must do something to end it, not sit back and expect you to give it to her.

 

I wouldn't send a card for her birthday. It's my anniversary this week and I'm not sending anything. I'm actually gonna go out and enjoy myself. Do my own thing.

 

Agreed. Do your own thing. Let her do all the work. Why should you??

[TaraMaiden]

Aksion, why don't YOU drop a line on myspace, and say that YOU can't wait for HER to get the papers done, so YOU can get on with YOUR life - "because if she wants this, she's gonna have to do the dirty work!"....?

 

Then sit back, and wait for the papers......

 

But it's true.

If she's the initiator, she should be doing the work, not you.

let her do the running.

[seibert253]

A. Why are you doing all the work if it is she who wants out of the M? I'd email her and tell her if she wants to D, she can pay for the lawyer and file. Or, she can pay half, and you will take care of it.

 

Have you seperated your finances? Hope so.

 

Do you have an attorney? What advice has he given you? If you haven't spoke with an attorney, do so today. She's gone and judging by her tone, she's gonna try to bleed you dry. You need to protect yourself and interests.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think if your ready to get outta limbo and move on with your life, why not file. If you dont have to pay any attorney fees other than your own and pay her no alimony. I would just file and let it be done. But dont tell her anything.

 

Telling her anything about a divorce she wanted is only a waste of time. Ignore her and keep it moving.

 

I dont know why your so, held back by it. Havent you gave purpose to the life your living without her. started datng someone else?

 

I mean your life doesnt end just because your marriage is over. I thought you came to terms with it. Just let it be done and over with.

 

Rebuild your life on your own terms. Forget about her. Let her receive the notice in the mail.

[Aksion]

I don't know why, I've just always been the one to do the important **** when we were together I guess.

 

As for finances, really don't have anything that she could take from me. We don't own anything, and no children. Everything that was "hers" is already out of the apartment.

 

I had a lawyer draw up the separation papers which included things such as monetary settlement and spousal support.

 

I suppose I could tell her to do it and just sit on these papers I have if I don't agree with whatever she gets drawn up?

 

I just know she WONT go do it though I guess. That's probably why I took the initiative.

[Aksion]

No I haven't started dating anyone.

 

How would I go about not telling her anything? She has to sign these papers at a notary. We aren't filing for the D yet.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't know why, I've just always been the one to do the important **** when we were together I guess.

 

As for finances, really don't have anything that she could take from me. We don't own anything, and no children. Everything that was "hers" is already out of the apartment.

 

I had a lawyer draw up the separation papers which included things such as monetary settlement and spousal support.

 

I suppose I could tell her to do it and just sit on these papers I have if I don't agree with whatever she gets drawn up?

 

I just know she WONT go do it though I guess. That's probably why I took the initiative.

 

Yeah you've always been the one to do things, well let this be your last defining moment and just do it. lol.

 

And since you have no kids or assets, I dont see why you cant make a clean break and have a fresh start.

 

I would want to be with a woman, who would want to build something with me and not be a coward and leaves when it gets tough and be selfish and puts herself first. The world is yours ,why stop now?

 

Your so close to doing things on your own without a constant distraction!

[Chrome Barracuda]

No I haven't started dating anyone.

 

How would I go about not telling her anything? She has to sign these papers at a notary. We aren't filing for the D yet.

 

Well you need to start hitting the clubs...lmao.

 

Drop her an email or have your lawyer serve her. seems like she's trying to ignore you but if it's inevitable she'll have to come sign the papers anyway.

[seibert253]

Well you need to start hitting the clubs...lmao.

 

Drop her an email or have your lawyer serve her. seems like she's trying to ignore you but if it's inevitable she'll have to come sign the papers anyway.

 

Two great places to meet women; the gym and grocery stores.

 

At the gym, sign up for group fitness classes. I'm an instructor for indoor cycling/spin. Sometimes I'm the only guy in a class of 20 women. Nice ratio. All of my regulars know I'm married, but I still get hit on. If I were single, it would be easy pickings.

 

The grocery store is great. Food is an easy topic to start a conversation. Example:

"I see your thinking about ______. I'm trying to eat better, do you think I should try this, or maybe _______." Always look for a ring before you start.

 

Every great journey begins with a single step.

No retreat, no surrender.

 

Peace and Good

[Chrome Barracuda]

Two great places to meet women; the gym and grocery stores.

 

At the gym, sign up for group fitness classes. I'm an instructor for indoor cycling/spin. Sometimes I'm the only guy in a class of 20 women. Nice ratio. All of my regulars know I'm married, but I still get hit on. If I were single, it would be easy pickings.

 

The grocery store is great. Food is an easy topic to start a conversation. Example:

"I see your thinking about ______. I'm trying to eat better, do you think I should try this, or maybe _______." Always look for a ring before you start.

 

Every great journey begins with a single step.

No retreat, no surrender.

 

Peace and Good

 

The gym is where you get it on and popping. You get in shape and all that testoterone fueling you and the women with their nice shaped azzes. OMFG. it'll turn your head everytime you come in there. and take notice that the girls already be hot before they start working out.

 

But remember you keep it discreet, and keep the business out of the gym. if you do it.

[Aksion]

So I've decided I'm going to e-mail her and let her know I have the paper work for our legal separation ready to be signed. Problem is, I don't know what to say.

 

Should I keep it short and all business?

 

Or should I speak about our time together and such?

 

I still feel like she owes me an explanation -- and at times I feel like I want to still try to reconcile, so I'm confused on what to say when I contact her.

[mark982]

business as usual,don't show no emotion. act as if you could care less. don't give her the satification of knowing she's hurting you.

[PWSX3]

With a separation that is giving the other person time to think, and there is time to change there mind if so be. A divorce is the last step and then it's over. It sounds like she doesn't want to get back together so maybe filing for a divorce would be better.

 

Have your lawyer give her the separation papers, then if she has questions she can ask him directly. Keeps you out of the loop & keeps you from blabbering. I know if you see her you will say something you will regret later, been there did that.

 

When it comes to talking to her now, always keep it business & short & sweet.

 

When my former W left I told her I would never file for divorce. I talked to some Christian friends & this is what they shared with me.

 

I got married for life & I was NOT going to file no matter what. It was her idea & if she wanted out then it was up to her.

 

Then my friend shared this with me. After a while you have to decide when you want to move on, sure it was her idea but at some time you have to decide when you are going to move forward & if that is doing the filing then that is then your choice. Sometimes you have to do something to get the ball moving in order for yourself to heal. Being in limbo isn't any better then not doing anything.

 

You are not ready to get into another relationship & if you do there is a chance it will hurt worse then what you are going thru now.

 

That doesn't mean you can't get out & meet new friends, get connected with other people.

 

No I would not send her a card, it will mean nothing to her & you will expect her to respond & when you don't get it then it will just make you feel worse.

[Aksion]

The thing is, we have to be legally separated for 6 months before either of us can file for the D. I know I don't want to do it, but I know she won't and she isn't attempting to try to reconcile at all.

 

I am going through with it, I'm just looking for advice on what to say, that's all really. My lawyer is a close friend of the family who has been helping me for free, so I'm doing what I can to not get her too involved unless I need her.

[trippi1432]

I think if your ready to get outta limbo and move on with your life, why not file. If you dont have to pay any attorney fees other than your own and pay her no alimony. I would just file and let it be done. But dont tell her anything.

 

Telling her anything about a divorce she wanted is only a waste of time. Ignore her and keep it moving.

 

I dont know why your so, held back by it. Havent you gave purpose to the life your living without her. started datng someone else?

 

I mean your life doesnt end just because your marriage is over. I thought you came to terms with it. Just let it be done and over with.

 

Rebuild your life on your own terms. Forget about her. Let her receive the notice in the mail.

 

I agree with Chrome Barracuda on this one, I'm filing, I didn't leave the marriage, he did, but I want to move on with my life. Tired of crying, tired of being hurt....life is an adventure, so jump!

[Aksion]

@ Trippi -- I am filing, I still believe it is wrong that she is just waiting for me to do all this ****, but I am doing it. I just don't know what to say in the e-mail I send her. Obviously there are MANY things I'd like to say/ask, but I know I shouldn't as it'd just make things worse on me I'm sure. I don't know if I should even speak about 'us' or if I should keep it short. Something like "Papers are ready, meet me at the bank on (date/time)". Just looking for advice from those who have been through/done it.

[FeelingLonely98]

@ Trippi -- I am filing, I still believe it is wrong that she is just waiting for me to do all this ****, but I am doing it. I just don't know what to say in the e-mail I send her. Obviously there are MANY things I'd like to say/ask, but I know I shouldn't as it'd just make things worse on me I'm sure. I don't know if I should even speak about 'us' or if I should keep it short. Something like "Papers are ready, meet me at the bank on (date/time)". Just looking for advice from those who have been through/done it.

 

OK - I did it, been thru it and am still doing it.

 

Not sure if you know my story. (47 yr old leaves good M for an 18 yr old BF).

I decide to give her the D. I didn't want to but I had to:

- For my sanity.

- & To protect my assets while she was in the "I don't wan't anthing but freedom" mindset.

 

I talked to lawyer family friend. He's also helping for free. In my state there is no wait period. I downloaded the main forms and started completing them. I needed her input, so I emailed her to say I need her to meet at the house. To complete the D papers for her. Always made it seem like I was doing it for her - because it is what she wants. Never once did I say it was for me. I didn't once grovel or beg and say "please don't" - "I don't want this" , ....

Then later I texted her to meet me at the notary to sign them.

(I will take them to the courthouse and pay the filing fee myself.)

 

IDK- it seemed to work for me. She always had the mindset of 1000 MPH full speed with her little BF and no feelings for us or the M at all. That was hard. She has no guilt, no regret, no remorse, never once said she is sorry for what she did to the family and the M and ME. I said a few things while meeting about disappointment, about what could have been, about why she never told me a thing, ... (Probably shouldn't have but it came from the heart and I said it with strength, walked her to her car and turned away to walk to my car)

 

Don't know if this helps you Aks, but it was OK for me. See what others say!

 

You doing ok with the drinking? no more all night binging. I hope you're better now my friend...

 

Hang in there.

[Aksion]

Yes I have followed every thread you've made FL98. Read every post.

 

No, I drink more than ever -- I know its a problem now, don't want to fix it right now.

 

I sent her this e-mail last night.

 

"Separation papers are done. You'll have to come to the bank to sign them. Divorce filing is on you. Takes six months of separation before you can file. Wednesday I will take the papers to the bank to be signed, yes, the same bank we have went to for years. Be there around 4-5pm."

 

Sounded ok to me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

that sounds pretty damned good!!! sit back and relax.

[FeelingLonely98]

"Separation papers are done. You'll have to come to the bank to sign them. Divorce filing is on you. Takes six months of separation before you can file. Wednesday I will take the papers to the bank to be signed, yes, the same bank we have went to for years. Be there around 4-5pm."

 

Good Luck Aks. Try to keep it business-like and appear that you've got yourself together. Best for you. Plus, IF you have any hope of her ever returning it is MUCH better that way than attacking or pleading or questioning her.

[Aksion]

Well, she read it. Never bothered to respond to it though. Not sure how to take that.

[SRV]

You've done your part. Now, just sit back and relax, take your mind off this. Show up when you are meant to, if she doesn't, you will know how to proceed from then on.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Aksion. Just wondering if you're still around. I'm worried about you!