Developing intimacy and passion......

[Samantha0905]

In another thread, some of us have been discussing true intimacy in a relationship, what it entails and how it effects feelings of passion in a marriage.

 

I know in my own relationship, I feel intimacy and passion are lacking -- yet there is a lot of history, love and we get along in general.

 

I want intimacy and sexual passion in my relationship. I've been with my husband since I was 14 -- married him at 21 -- and have been married 28 years.

 

I've had an affair and been living in an apartment since June. The affair is now over and my lease runs out at the end of November, at which point I plan to move back home. I've been going home each weekend for the last couple of months, but we have not been having sex with my husband. On the other hand, we've not ever discussed "why" I moved out in the first place. There's obviously a huge communication issue. My husband would rather I just come home and for us to move forward and I just think he was raised in a not very communicative family. I have a lot to say in general in life, but for some reason have terrible communication with him other than surface niceties.

 

I'm looking for suggestions as to what you think are ways to achieve true intimacy and sexual passion and to move the relationship forward?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm looking for suggestions as to what you think are ways to achieve true intimacy and sexual passion and to move the relationship forward?

 

This is a tough one, because guys who have tough emotional walls... do that because they don't trust easily. You've already left him once... How do you expect him to open up to you now?

 

Here is where your going to have to put some thought into it. Do you need him to know you or do you need to know him? I think it could be possible to create some intimacy by letting him know you better. Heck, that may give you all the feelings of intimacy you need.

 

Where I in your shoes... I would just throw in the towel. Your past actions have made this a nearly impossible task combined with a guy who doesn't let people in to begin with. Why not just move on?

[boldjack]

How can your husband know what's wrong, and how can you communicate, when you aren't being honest with him? There are two people in your marriage, one is lying and cheating and the other is completely ignorant of what is happening. You can't have passion in such a "marriage". Just because he hasn't been communicative in the past, is no excuse. Set the example, be honest about yourself, and he might surprise you.

[Samantha0905]

How can your husband know what's wrong, and how can you communicate, when you aren't being honest with him? There are two people in your marriage, one is lying and cheating and the other is completely ignorant of what is happening. You can't have passion in such a "marriage". Just because he hasn't been communicative in the past, is no excuse. Set the example, be honest about yourself, and he might surprise you.

 

Not cheating anymore. Thank goodness.

 

We do have a "marriage" so there's no need to put the word in quotations. You don't know me and I haven't negated 28 years of marriage. Admittedly, it's a marriage in a lot of turmoil at the moment.

 

I don't think him not being communicative in the past is being used as an excuse. There's no excuse for either of us not communicating well with one another -- especially after all of this time. Of course, having met him so young we've developed some very bad communication patterns.

 

I've openly stated the affair was a mistake, so I'm not using anything my husband has done as an excuse for making such a colossal mistake. I should have spoken up to my husband a long time ago as to the root of my unhappiness. In some way, I did as we went to marriage counseling at ten years of marriage and sorted out some things. I remember him telling the therapist, "He allowed me to do things I wanted" and she look horrified. She told him he was not my daddy and I would not want to have sex with him if he continued to act like he was. Again, not giving excuses -- just saying the problems have been there somewhat throughout our marriage. I suppose just as much as he shouldn't have acted like my father, I shouldn't have accepted the child-like role. Truthfully, however -- we WERE children when we met.

 

He's changed a lot and would never say anything like that now, although he does say he would have preferred to have never gone to counseling and he has said a few negative things about the counselor in general as time went on. I'm pretty sure he resented the counseling experience.

 

In any event, I'm going to try my best to focus on establishing communication with my husband. I do think we need to at least discuss why I left. I think he just thinks I've been going through a little "stage" and is waiting for me to come home so things can be back to normal. Perhaps he receives the greatest comfort just knowing I am there. He said to me, "I think of you as my life partner and just want you to come home."

 

So, I guess I've received the first suggestion as to what is required for intimacy and passion. You think total honesty in communication -- both about what has gone on in the past and what is desired in the future?

[Untouchable_Fire]

In any event, I'm going to try my best to focus on establishing communication with my husband. I do think we need to at least discuss why I left. I think he just thinks I've been going through a little "stage" and is waiting for me to come home so things can be back to normal. Perhaps he receives the greatest comfort just knowing I am there. He said to me, "I think of you as my life partner and just want you to come home."

So, I guess I've received the first suggestion as to what is required for intimacy and passion. You think total honesty in communication -- both about what has gone on in the past and what is desired in the future?

 

Yes... that is what will be required for YOU to feel intimacy with HIM. The more you hold back, the less able you are to feel intimate with your husband. I know that's not the answer your wanting to hear, but chances are this whole thing is substantially more your fault than his.

 

You are in charge of your own passions. If your not feeling it... that's because your doing something wrong. Sometimes he isn't helping... but 90% of the issue is you!

[Samantha0905]

Yes... that is what will be required for YOU to feel intimacy with HIM. The more you hold back, the less able you are to feel intimate with your husband. I know that's not the answer your wanting to hear, but chances are this whole thing is substantially more your fault than his.

 

You are in charge of your own passions. If your not feeling it... that's because your doing something wrong. Sometimes he isn't helping... but 90% of the issue is you!

 

Thank you. I don't think we can apply % to issues in a relationship of people we don't really know -- or for that matter for people we do know.

 

You are correct that I'm 100% in charge of my own passions.

[Samantha0905]

Here's something I found about the issue of telling your spouse you've had an affair -- and I've added comments in bold as to how I feel about the comments in my own relationship. All relationships are individual and different.

 

Whether you should tell a spouse about an affair is a highly complex and personal matter. Here are four items to consider when making the decision for yourself.

 

Item #1: The ethical dimension:

The field of ethics can be divided largely into two camps: the good and the right. The good - called the teleological viewpoint - emphasizes doing what is best in terms of the ultimate consequences of an act. Meanwhile, the right - called the deontological viewpoint - emphasizes the nature of the act itself. In terms of cheating on your spouse: if you are in the first camp (the good), you may feel it best to not mention your indiscretion to your spouse if you feel that your relationship would be better off that way. Meanwhile, if you are in the second camp (the right), you may conclude that right is right, wrong is wrong, and therefore you must tell your spouse about what you did.

 

I find few things in life to be completely black and white. There are, in my opinion, oftentimes many things to be considered.

 

Item #2: The social dimension:

Revealing that one has cheated can often lead directly to an immediate break-up, since the spouse hearing the bad news may feel that the blow is more than they can handle. However, there is also the larger social circle for you to consider before you tell your spouse: do you have kids? How close are you to your extended families? Do you share many friends in common who would be devastated by a breakup? How would a breakup due affect all of those other people?

 

I do think it would be such a blow and a scar to his heart. It would change our love forever in his heart. I prefer not to do that to him. I've scarred myself already. There is definitely a larger social circle -- children, family, friends who would be devastated. It would scar my children and their image of their parents and their conception of their own future relationships.

 

Item #3: The psychological dimension:

As the cheating spouse, you need to ask yourself the reasons for what you have done. Was it out of a basic lack of respect or caring for your partner? Were you feeling unhappy in your relationship and needed to seek extra attention elsewhere? Or, have you fallen out of love with your spouse? The answers to these questions will point you in the direction of either the need to tell your spouse the truth or to keep things under wraps and just commit to choosing a faithful road moving forward.

 

I was feeling unhappy. A void. Lonely. I love my spouse dearly. I am going to commit to choosing a faithful road moving forward, trying to develop better communication and intimacy.

 

Item #4: The physical dimension:

If cheating has put you at risk for social diseases such as venereal disease or AIDS, you first need to get yourself tested for these diseases and meanwhile put all sexual contact with your spouse on hold. This aspect of cheating is one of the potentially most threatening to both you and your spouse. Even if the tests show that you are disease-free, you still must keep the potential unknown disease-related effects of an indiscretion in mind as you move forward.

 

I have considered this and should be tested. I have not been having sex with my spouse since I started having sex with ex-AP.

 

Some people feel that telling a spouse about an affair is an absolute must for any number of the reasons mentioned above. Others feel that under certain circumstances it is best to put the episode behind you and try to heal the relationship. This is ultimately a very personal decision, but by considering the various dimensions of your decision you will be better informed to make the right one for you.

 

So, there are two camps. I'm in the latter, but certainly see the reasoning behind and respect the former.

 

The knowledge you have cheated on your spouse can tear a relationship apart - whether or not you decide to share the truth with them.

 

I believe this is very true. I pray about it daily.

 

[Samantha0905]

This is a tough one, because guys who have tough emotional walls... do that because they don't trust easily. You've already left him once... How do you expect him to open up to you now?

 

Here is where your going to have to put some thought into it. Do you need him to know you or do you need to know him? I think it could be possible to create some intimacy by letting him know you better. Heck, that may give you all the feelings of intimacy you need.

 

Where I in your shoes... I would just throw in the towel. Your past actions have made this a nearly impossible task combined with a guy who doesn't let people in to begin with. Why not just move on?

 

I missed this post. It is a tough one. He runs a large family business. I feel like he has come to a point in life where he feels it is him against the world. He's always been the responsible one and has somewhat developed into the person taken care of all his family members (mother/father/siblings). His mom and dad are aging and his dad has developed dementia. He inherited the business from him. He is the one who was responsible and wanted the business. He actually is the responsible one as his siblings are interesting and have had interesting life issues. They run to him in times of need.

 

This carries over to us (me and the children) -- he feels he is responsible for our well-being.

 

I have injured his trust in me -- just by moving out. He said to me after I left in a rare communicative moment that I was the only one he counted on to be there and now he feels alone.

 

I am going to try to let him know me better. Maybe if I force talk for a while, it will become a more positive pattern. He goes to work each day -- is under a lot of stress because of the economy -- then comes home and sits in front of the television from around 6:30 to 11:30 each night. I think the television has become an addiction and a release to him. You should see how he acts when DirecTV goes out. It's not pretty.

 

I can't throw in the towel. I've certainly been waving one in the air for a while -- especially moving into an apartment -- and still no discussion about issues. It's frustrating. I know I need to broach the subject myself.

 

I can't throw in the towel because I can't imagine a future as it's supposed to be -- with an intact family. I want us to work out.

[Samantha0905]

Yes... that is what will be required for YOU to feel intimacy with HIM. The more you hold back, the less able you are to feel intimate with your husband. I know that's not the answer your wanting to hear, but chances are this whole thing is substantially more your fault than his.

 

You are in charge of your own passions. If your not feeling it... that's because your doing something wrong. Sometimes he isn't helping... but 90% of the issue is you!

 

I want to say something else about this because I think I read through quickly the first time and am processing better now.

 

I agree with you that I am holding back absolutely in what I need to feel intimacy with him. I totally agree with your statement, "The more you hold back, the less able you are to feel intimate with your husband." I do hold back with him. It's weird too because I'm a free-spirited and fun loving person. I talk a lot. I reveal more to strangers than I do to him. It's odd. And yes, that is my fault.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you. I don't think we can apply % to issues in a relationship of people we don't really know -- or for that matter for people we do know.You are correct that I'm 100% in charge of my own passions.

 

That is a fair criticism. It's true, I don't know you, but you don't know you either... so we are kind of on the same level there.

 

You skipped the important part though.

 

What creates passion in you?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I want to say something else about this because I think I read through quickly the first time and am processing better now.

I agree with you that I am holding back absolutely in what I need to feel intimacy with him. I totally agree with your statement, "The more you hold back, the less able you are to feel intimate with your husband." I do hold back with him. It's weird too because I'm a free-spirited and fun loving person. I talk a lot. I reveal more to strangers than I do to him. It's odd. And yes, that is my fault.

 

I've had that same issue in several relationships.

 

Sometimes we get this fear of what our SO's will think of us, or how they will react to what we say, so we hold back.

 

Part of that is going to be our perception of them... but sometimes it IS how they react to us.

 

If your honest about the state of the marriage... he may change how he reacts to you.

 

If you don't feel that you can be honest about the marriage... then just be honest about everything else and act like yourself. If he gives you any flak... provide him as much negative feedback as possible. For me that means immediately starting a fight. I can't scream and shout cause I'm a guy... but you can... so use that to your advantage.

[herenow]

IMO, a healthy, passionate and intimate relationship requires trust and honesty. But, that's just my opinion. I found that after my H and I both faced our individual issues and worked together honestly on the problems in our marriage, every part of our relationship got better. Actually, every relationship I have improved because I am able to be honest with myself and others. So much animosity and negative emotion is gone now and I am able to be myself which in turn makes me a happier person to be around. I would imagine hiding a lie would be a hard thing to carry around. But, again, that's just me.

 

Let me ask you this: If your H was in your shoes, would you want him to be honest with you?

[boldjack]

Well, Sam, you have to decide what a truly loving, passionate, honest, true marriage is worth to you. You have 4 choices, 1) continue as you are, sexless, loveless, dishonest and disrespectful. If you stay this way, you will never regain passion, and will probably cheat again ( I know that you said that it won't happen again, but you didn't think it would happen , the first time either) 2) Try to half-ass work on your marriage, but without your husband being on the same page, this will probably fail as well. 3) Be completely honest, communicate everything to your husband and build a new trusting, passionate marriage with a partner you respect. 4) Divorce, Then both you and your husband can each make his/her own choices. To be honest, the other three could lead to divorce, too. But choice # 3 will heal both of you quicker in the long run, and will make both of you better people, whether together or separate. Do you really want to be a deceiver in a passsionless marriage, for the rest of your life?

[Samantha0905]

That is a fair criticism. It's true, I don't know you, but you don't know you either... so we are kind of on the same level there.

 

You skipped the important part though.

 

What creates passion in you?

 

You made me smile with the you don't know you either remark. Maybe that's true. I feel like I know me, but don't share me well with my husband.

 

What creates passion in me?

 

I felt passionate in a sexual way with my ex-AP because I completely opened up on that level with him. He also liked to be close physically with me besides when we were having sex. He hugged me a lot. He touched me when he was just sitting beside me. We snuggled. My husband and I don't do that. I mean, he gives me a perfunctory kiss goodbye before he goes to work and we used to do that same kiss before we went to sleep, but we don't do that anymore.

 

One time while we've been separated and I was over at the house, he actually got up from his lazyboy and came over and sat beside me on the big sectional sofa we have to just be closer. It struck me that it was the first time he had ever done that in 28 years of marriage. We're weird!

 

I've probably discouraged that in some ways because every time he used to ever approach me to touch me, it always meant we "had" to have sex or he would turn it into something sexual. I realize now, however, that my ex-AP always enjoyed that closeness and would cuddle the entire time we watched a movie -- but then again -- he always got sex and I didn't feel resentful about it.

 

So, in a physical sense I think more cuddling, hugging, touching in general would help create more passion in me.

 

I also like to talk. I'm not a blabber mouth, but if I have an opinion about something I like to discuss it and I like hearing other people's opinions -- especially when they don't agree with me because I think there is something to be learned from everyone.

 

When my husband and I go out to dinner, he generally eats and then immediately asks for the check. I like to sit and talk. Now, since we've been separated he does better with that and sits and talks more and sips wine. I guess there's more to say as we haven't been around each other as much. I don't know.

 

So, add conversation to what creates more passion in me. I feel passionate about many issues and like to discuss them. I think my husband is my polar opposite as far as that is concerned, however, and he would rather just not hear my opinion sometimes. He doesn't like that I'm vocal at times and I know he would prefer to keep my opinion to myself at times.

 

Just as an example, I wasn't real thrilled when the Southern Baptist Church decided not to let women be ministers anymore after having already allowed them to go to seminary, become pastors and pastor churches. He just wanted me to accept it and move along. I'm not good at that. I feel if they feel free to express their opinion and do such a thing, at the very least I should be able to fire off an email or share my thoughts if our pastor brings it up -- which he did. I believe my husband just tapped my leg as I sat next to him and said, "Please don't."

 

I feel passionate about helping others. I'm just throwing that in there because I feel as a stay at home mother, I've neglected doing some thing with just myself to make me personally happy. When I went to counseling after ten years of marriage, the therapist suggested I wasn't unhappy with my marriage as I was with myself. Of course, looking back -- the communication issues should have been addressed more I suppose.

 

That's a difficult question to cover in one post. There are many things I feel passionately about.

[Samantha0905]

I've had that same issue in several relationships.

 

Sometimes we get this fear of what our SO's will think of us, or how they will react to what we say, so we hold back.

 

Part of that is going to be our perception of them... but sometimes it IS how they react to us.

 

If your honest about the state of the marriage... he may change how he reacts to you.

 

If you don't feel that you can be honest about the marriage... then just be honest about everything else and act like yourself. If he gives you any flak... provide him as much negative feedback as possible. For me that means immediately starting a fight. I can't scream and shout cause I'm a guy... but you can... so use that to your advantage.

 

Thank you for yours posts. I've been thinking of you as female, so thanks for letting me know that also. I am going to try really hard to be more honest about myself. I have been holding back a lot.

 

This post brought up a interesting point I would like to add as disclosure about our marriage. We've had two what I would call "fights" in our marriage.

 

In the first, we were young marrieds fighting about his mom and I stormed out of the house saying I was leaving. I decided on my way to go to my car I was going to Wendy's to get a hamburger, turned around and went in to see if he wanted anything.

 

In the other, I had really had a hard time after my father passed away. My mother had already passed. It was about a year later and I was crying about it at one point and my husband yelled at me I needed to get professional help and I yelled he could kiss my professional a$$. He looked shocked and that was the end of that. He has ALWAYS been uncomfortable if I get upset and cry about something. It doesn't happen often as I'm not a big crier, but I find it interesting he reacts to it by getting frustrated and short with me as opposing to comforting me.

 

I have often said to my friends I find it odd we (hubby and I) don't have heated discussions or arguments about stuff.

 

With my ex-AP (and here I go making that comparison again), we discussed things and argued and he's Italian and would get very heated. He's also from up North, which I am not, and sometimes his tone alone sounded insane to me. Harsh, I guess. We worked through that and I finally realized he wasn't actually yelling at me.

 

My husband is very sensitive when it comes to me. He runs a big business well and is pretty assertive in that capacity. With me, he gets very sensitive. At this point in time, I understand it more -- but he's always been that way. Me and the children can hurt his feelings easily, so we tread lightly.

 

As an aside, our son is gay. He told us when he was 11, but I knew about six months before he told us that. He's 19 now -- and is definitely gay. Coming from a conservative background, my husband had a real problem with it. In his defense, he's never treated my son badly about it -- but my son knows his dad has had some issues with it. My husband for years told me, "I don't want to discuss it. I'm having issues with it." and that would be that. I told him he had better accept it and deal because it is who our so is. I think I've harbored some anger issues with him about that because I don't think of it as a flaw. I think it just is who my son is and how he was born.

 

On a more positive note, that is one area where there was a positive to me moving out for six months. I was out while my son was home for summer break -- from college -- and my son and my husband started communicating. They talked more than I had ever seen them talk about things in life. They are still texting back and forth and seemed to have developed a much closer relationship. That makes me happy.

[Samantha0905]

IMO, a healthy, passionate and intimate relationship requires trust and honesty. But, that's just my opinion. I found that after my H and I both faced our individual issues and worked together honestly on the problems in our marriage, every part of our relationship got better. Actually, every relationship I have improved because I am able to be honest with myself and others. So much animosity and negative emotion is gone now and I am able to be myself which in turn makes me a happier person to be around. I would imagine hiding a lie would be a hard thing to carry around. But, again, that's just me.

 

Let me ask you this: If your H was in your shoes, would you want him to be honest with you?

 

Thank you. So, did you admit to an affair or him or both? I'm glad things are going better for you.

 

I would not want to know if my husband had an affair, stopped having an affair and wanted to save our marriage. I would just really rather not have that to mull over as I assume a lot time would be spent obsessing about another person and their relationship as opposed to the actual problems in the marriage that caused him to stray. I would rather the focus be on addressing the problems, rather than the actual negative that resulted from the problems being there.

[jennie-jennie]

The following is a post by HisSweetThing from Spoiled's thread "WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?". I am quoting it here because I think it is too well written to be forgotten now when the discussion continues here in this thread.

 

I don't think you absolutely need to tell him about the affair, but I think if you have any hopes of improving your marriage, you do need to find a way to discuss the lack of passion in your relationship. After recently discovering what passion really is, I don't know how anyone could choose to live without it. Isn't passion what life is supposed to be about? I feel "alive" for the first time in I-don't-know-how long. I have had passion in other areas of my life - I was passionate about raising my kids; I'm passionate about fitness - but I never had it in my marriage. That's why I'm in the process of divorce. Since I never had it, I am under no delusions that I can create it. I think it's a special thing that is either there or not.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I missed this post. It is a tough one. He runs a large family business. I feel like he has come to a point in life where he feels it is him against the world. He's always been the responsible one and has somewhat developed into the person taken care of all his family members (mother/father/siblings). His mom and dad are aging and his dad has developed dementia. He inherited the business from him. He is the one who was responsible and wanted the business. He actually is the responsible one as his siblings are interesting and have had interesting life issues. They run to him in times of need.

 

This might be your in with him. It will take a large amount of time for him to respond, but if you help him with his responsibilities... it will become US against the world.

 

This carries over to us (me and the children) -- he feels he is responsible for our well-being.

I have injured his trust in me -- just by moving out. He said to me after I left in a rare communicative moment that I was the only one he counted on to be there and now he feels alone.

 

I think because he has to take care of everybody, taking yourself off that list and helping him with his responsibilities will build his trust in you.

 

I am going to try to let him know me better. Maybe if I force talk for a while, it will become a more positive pattern. He goes to work each day -- is under a lot of stress because of the economy -- then comes home and sits in front of the television from around 6:30 to 11:30 each night. I think the television has become an addiction and a release to him. You should see how he acts when DirecTV goes out. It's not pretty.

 

He goes to the TV to escape from his troubles. To make the responsibilities and stress go away.

 

Unless you can replace that with something... I think your going to struggle to get his attention.

 

I can't throw in the towel. I've certainly been waving one in the air for a while -- especially moving into an apartment -- and still no discussion about issues. It's frustrating. I know I need to broach the subject myself.

I can't throw in the towel because I can't imagine a future as it's supposed to be -- with an intact family. I want us to work out.

 

Trust me... if it creates extra stress, he is going to try and avoid any kind of issues talk.

 

Listen, your guy is the kind that has so much on his plate he can't really add more. I dunno what you can do in regards to talking to him about issues.

[Samantha0905]

Well, Sam, you have to decide what a truly loving, passionate, honest, true marriage is worth to you. You have 4 choices, 1) continue as you are, sexless, loveless, dishonest and disrespectful. If you stay this way, you will never regain passion, and will probably cheat again ( I know that you said that it won't happen again, but you didn't think it would happen , the first time either) 2) Try to half-ass work on your marriage, but without your husband being on the same page, this will probably fail as well. 3) Be completely honest, communicate everything to your husband and build a new trusting, passionate marriage with a partner you respect. 4) Divorce, Then both you and your husband can each make his/her own choices. To be honest, the other three could lead to divorce, too. But choice # 3 will heal both of you quicker in the long run, and will make both of you better people, whether together or separate. Do you really want to be a deceiver in a passsionless marriage, for the rest of your life?

 

I'm contemplating 5) try to work on my marriage in a diligent manner by communicating to my husband I feel there is a lack of intimacy and communication and staying faithful to him in the future.

 

It's difficult with him because I don't know if it would be best to just start communicating and modeling desired intimate behavior in the hopes over time it will become the norm in our relationship or if it would be best to both say what I feel and act on it. A lot of times if I say what I'm feeling like there is a lack of intimacy and communication, he takes that as a criticism and reacts like he's been criticized.

 

And we weren't sexless. I just haven't been sexually attracted. We were most definitely not loveless. I have been dishonest and disrespectful.

 

And I don't want to be a deceiver in a passionless marriage. I want to work on our marriage -- our 28 year marriage -- and try to make it one that involves better communication and more passion.

 

Lord I hope I don't stray again. This has definitely not been worth it. I will be sure to pray about that daily also.

[Samantha0905]

The following is a post by HisSweetThing from Spoiled's thread "WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?". I am quoting it here because I think it is too well written to be forgotten now when the discussion continues here in this thread.

 

Thanks jennie-jennie. Is that from the song?

 

In any event, I don't think passion is there or it isn't. Well, maybe I do and maybe it was there when we were dating and I somehow let that go away because I had issues with our sexual connection. It was such a long time ago and I can't minimize that fact. We were really young when we met. 14 and 15 is young. When my own children were that age, I remember thinking it again. That's young to be meeting your life partner.

[Samantha0905]

This might be your in with him. It will take a large amount of time for him to respond, but if you help him with his responsibilities... it will become US against the world.

 

 

 

I think because he has to take care of everybody, taking yourself off that list and helping him with his responsibilities will build his trust in you.

 

You're right. I need to assert myself in this area. He's so used to doing things on his own. He has control issues also -- probably from always being in control. I offered to keep up with the bills when we were younger, but he felt a need to do it himself. Now, he isn't controlling about the actual use of the finances. We have always owned everything jointly and all our bank accounts are joint. He said he wanted to make sure I had good credit and no problems in case anything ever happened to him.

 

Another small aside that made me and my son laugh our heads off about him one time. He got a spare key to the house so it would be around if we were locked out. He hid it. We asked him where he hid it and he didn't want to tell us. He said for us to call if we were locked out and he would come get the key and let us in. We harassed him until he finally divulged the location of the key. LOL

 

 

 

He goes to the TV to escape from his troubles. To make the responsibilities and stress go away.

 

Unless you can replace that with something... I think your going to struggle to get his attention.

Yes, he does. I'm not sure what I can replace that with.

 

 

 

Trust me... if it creates extra stress, he is going to try and avoid any kind of issues talk.

 

Listen, your guy is the kind that has so much on his plate he can't really add more. I dunno what you can do in regards to talking to him about issues.

I know. I think it's why I hold back -- especially lately. He is under a lot of stress and I've only added to it. Maybe I can just try to be open and communicative in general and not about stressful issues.

 

Maybe I just need an outlet in life. I've been out of sorts since becoming an empty nester after being a stay at home mom. I've been trained to do Red Cross Disaster Relief work and I've gone back to school recently. Just to make you smile -- I'm going to school to become a mental health counselor.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That's a difficult question to cover in one post. There are many things I feel passionately about.

 

I'm glad you took that the way I intended it. I read it back and it sounded like I was being a jerk. I tried to edit it, but it was too late.

 

Anyway, what creates passion for people is somewhat different for everyone.

 

I think you have put up some great ideas on what makes things happen for you. This gives you and idea of what your Husband needs to be doing.

 

He seems like a massive conflict avoider, so you may have to just work around that aspect of his personality at times.

 

You need to give him permission to be affectionate with you again. That doesn't always have to mean sex.

 

He needs to become a better listener, and at least respect your opinions.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, he does. I'm not sure what I can replace that with.

I know. I think it's why I hold back -- especially lately. He is under a lot of stress and I've only added to it. Maybe I can just try to be open and communicative in general and not about stressful issues.

Maybe I just need an outlet in life. I've been out of sorts since becoming an empty nester after being a stay at home mom. I've been trained to do Red Cross Disaster Relief work and I've gone back to school recently. Just to make you smile -- I'm going to school to become a mental health counselor.

 

Yes, he has some control issues. That story about the key nearly proves it. I've found most of those people are completely ruled by fear. He didn't want to tell you where the key was, because he had some kind of fear. Of what I don't know.

 

I think your on the right track there. Maybe if you start by sharing positive things with him, and helping him out with some responsibilities... that will open the door to sharing everything later.

 

Also, great idea on getting something going outside the house. It will make your life more fulfilling and will give you guys something to talk about at the end of the day.

 

I don't usually offer advice to people in the OW section, even though it's something I've been through. I think most of them are too dumb to waste words on, but your totally different.

 

I think your going to make things work in your marriage. It may take time and effort... but I believe you have the right attitude and ability to make your home happy. I wish you the very best of luck! If you ever need anything feel free to PM me any time!

[jwi71]

Why are you afraid of your H?

 

What are you afraid of in your H?

 

You have been consistently on message...you are open and honest and free with everyone BUT him...so, why?

[Samantha0905]

I'm glad you took that the way I intended it. I read it back and it sounded like I was being a jerk. I tried to edit it, but it was too late.

 

Anyway, what creates passion for people is somewhat different for everyone.

 

I think you have put up some great ideas on what makes things happen for you. This gives you and idea of what your Husband needs to be doing.

 

He seems like a massive conflict avoider, so you may have to just work around that aspect of his personality at times.

 

You need to give him permission to be affectionate with you again. That doesn't always have to mean sex.

 

He needs to become a better listener, and at least respect your opinions.

 

I didn't think you sounded like a jerk. I am the youngest of 14 and we all are opinionated, so it takes a lot for me to start using the "jerk" label.

 

That made me think of my parents. They had a very happy, long term marriage and I grew up in a happy family. When I think of them I feel ashamed. I have a photo of them in my apartment bedroom and have almost wanted to lay it flat at times so I don't have to look at them looking at me. I haven't because I can't lay them face down, but the thought has crossed my mind... Funny what goes through my head at times.

 

That is a part of the history aspect also. My husband knew my parents. They loved him dearly.

 

I do think my husband avoids conflict at home. It's his safe haven. He loves his work, but it is stressful and the economy is having a definite adverse effect on it. Plus, his dad's illness is sad. He's always been a type "A" man, was in World War II, etc. and it's sad to see him suffering from dementia now. I'm sure that's very hard on my husband.

 

Having lost my own parents, I understand that completely.

 

I know I need to work on him being more affectionate. I think right now he's scared of me and I don't blame him. What kind of wife moves into an apartment? We're going away this weekend. Two things I forgot on the passionate list are football and golf. We definitely share those passions. Anyway, he asked me to go to a game this weekend out of town -- college football. So, I am going to try hard to make him the center of my attention this weekend. Hopefully, it will be a start.