madmoggy Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I met my wife around 7 years ago. It was my first serious relationship with anybody and I had never "been" with anybody else before. She had recently come out of a dead-end relationship. We hit it off straight away and married six months after the first date. We clicked because we understood each other and had a lot in common - we became best friends instantly. Looking back now, there was virtually no passion involved. I didn't have the "hots" for her, although it wasn't as if I found her unattractive or anything. It's just that our relationship was based on our common interests and friendship rather than anything physical. Actually, I've found her more and more attractive as the years have gone by. Our relationship is wonderful in so many ways - and I really do love her so much and can't imagine life without her - but after all this time the lack of an intimate, physical relationship has driven me to despair. We've probably had sex 4 or 5 times in 7 years. I now feel like I'm right on the brink of walking out, having a breakdown or cheating. The problem is that she has quite bad emotional and anxiety problems. I won't go into the whole issue, but essentially she can't handle the feeling of losing control. She doesn't drink, and I can't either, because seeing somebody she knows drunk will trigger a panic attack. This is also the case for sex; she can't relax and let herself go because it feels like she's a different person. This means that any kind of intimacy results in her looking at me rather like somebody with vertigo looking at the edge of a cliff. She is on medication for this problem and has had counseling, but she still copes with it by simply avoiding the problem. The few times we've actually managed to have sex it was pretty unfulfilling - it was more a case of her lying there and tolerating me while I finished. I just ended up feeling guilty and upset, which made her feel guilty and upset. We've tried working on this, but it's just got to the point where we're both avoiding the problem because we know it just causes sadness and guilt even talking about it. She's always worried I'm going to cheat on her - and her concerns are certainly valid. I spend most of the time depressed, unhappy and bitter. I know some of this is my fault because I should be trying harder too. Now, there is a whole separate other issue which, combined with the above issues, is making my life a complete misery. As I said, before I met my wife I had virtually no experience with women. I had a very bad time at school (serious physical and mental bullying, for reasons I still can't figure out...) and I grew up with absolutely no self confidence or self belief. It's almost funny looking back - girls have actually asked me out and I've assumed they're just teasing me and told them to go away! When I met my wife I suddenly felt part of the human race again and my confidence and self belief started to return. Now I realize I'm actually a good-looking guy (not to blow my own trumpet - lol) and also smart and funny. So now I'm sure you can guess what's happened; I feel like I missed all the best years of my life. I'm 35 now and actually feel like I'm 18 - I feel like a kid in a candy shop. I yearn to be free and single, to be able to talk and flirt with girls and, frankly, have all that sex I missed out on. Sorry if that sounds bad, but it's how I feel. There's also this feeling of panic - I'm nearly 40 and the best years will be behind me, etc, etc. Almost like an early mid-life crises. So combine those two problems and you can see where I'm at. The truth is, even if we started having sex every night, I still don't know if I'll be happy. But the thought of leaving my wife, what it will do to her, the mess it will leave behind (we don't have kids fortunately) is too much to take. But what's my choice? I feel like I either have to leave now and explore myself and all the things I missed out on, or stay put and lead a safe but unfulfilling life into old age.
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Our relationship is wonderful in so many ways - and I really do love her so much and can't imagine life without her I yearn to be free and single, to be able to talk and flirt with girls and, frankly, have all that sex I missed out on. I think you need to make a decision here, before you work on anything else. Which one of these options are you looking to achieve? TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Sorry in advance b/c you are not going to like what I am going to say at all! I feel bad for your sexual situation with your wife, but at the same time I am guessing that you knew this about your wife before you decided to marry her? Even if you didn't, marriage is in sickness and in health, however I do get how frustrating this must be for you. Has your wife tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? Avoiding the problem makes anxiety worse, not better and CBT will halp you wife to expose herself to her fear in a controlled way in small increasing steps, whilst addressing the underlying issues. I do understand her problem to some extent as I suffered with agoraphobia for a number of years. As for the thoughts of having missed out on your youth? Well, this is going to be harsh, frankly I think maybe you should have thought about that before you married, you are trying to have your cake and eat it. To be honest it does sound like you having a midlife crisis and perhaps some counselling for you wouldn't go a miss. People are not disposable and just b/c you have NOW decided you missed out does not mean that your wife should have to suffer the unbearable pain of what your leaving would do to her. (Told you, you wouldn't like it, but there was no other way than to be direct and I hope you understand why).
Logik Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I agree with Lisa. For better or for worse. Unfortunately there were no "terms and conditions apply" at the end of your vows. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage. A person can only make themselves unhappy. It's not your marriage that's making you unhappy, it's your thoughts of wanting out that are. Your feelings of regret and "missing out" are contaminating what's happening in your life right now. Don't dwell in should've, could've, would've. Deal with your problem you have now, because if you don't, you'll have regrets about it in the future and then you'll be in the same position as you're in now. Just leaving your marriage might be freeing in the beginning, but it's not all that you think it might be. Be wise in your choices. Just my opinion. Use it; don't use it. You have to make the choice.
Author madmoggy Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks for the words. Don't worry about being direct - that's why I came here Although I knew she suffered from these problems before we married, remember we had only known each other six months at that point. I was sure we could work on any problems and, to be honest, the physical aspect was less of an issue then - I was just so happy at finding my "soul mate." I guess you could argue that we married too soon.....but at the same time we were both convinced we had find the right person. And in almost every way we had. As for the mid-life crises aspect; well I know it reflects badly on me, but it is what it is. I can't help it. Should I have thought about this before getting married? Sure. But I was kinda swept-up in the situation at the time and I thought I actually had found everything I wanted. You're speaking as if one can act rationally when one is in love CBT sounds interesting - I'll look into it. Thanks!
Ronni_W Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) I don't agree that, just because one said, "for better and for worse", one is obligated to abandon one's self (one's own needs, desires, feelings, passions, goals, beliefs, whatever is important to the Self that a relationship is requiring that one ignore and deny.) And I don't think where you are now reflects "badly" on you in any way. As you say, it is what it is. And, no, you could not have suspected or envisioned ALL of this before you got married...whether after a 6-month or 6-year courtship. But. I just ended up feeling guilty and upset, which made her feel guilty and upset. ...I spend most of the time depressed, unhappy and bitter. I know some of this is my fault because I should be trying harder too. How much responsibility are you taking for your own actions, feelings and situation? You say that you "should be" trying harder -- to do what, and what is preventing you from doing whatever it is that you think-believe you "should be" doing? What are you doing to deal with and overcome your own feelings of guilt, upset, depression, unhappiness and bitterness? Or are you just blaming your feelings on your wife's issues and problems, and on how she is choosing to do her life and deal with her own challenges? But I was kinda swept-up in the situation at the time and I thought I actually had found everything I wanted. You're speaking as if one can act rationally when one is in love If you did NOT act rationally at that time, then who were you hoping would pick-up the slack for you? Are you using "I was kinda swept-up" back then to rationalize not taking responsibility for your CURRENT feelings, situation, and the tough decisions that you need to make for yourself? (See Tojaz's post, above.) Your wife's issues and problems are serious, yes. And she has the right to ignore them and just live the rest of her life without healing/recovering. But you are not obligated to tie your own happiness and fulfillment in life to her decision, if her decision is detrimental to your long-term enjoyment of life. You DO have the right, and the self-responsibility, to take care of your own 'life plan/purpose/mission' -- whatever you want to call that. That's not up to your wife, or anyone else, to determine for you. Edited October 27, 2009 by Ronni_W grammar
LisaUk Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks for the words. Don't worry about being direct - that's why I came here Although I knew she suffered from these problems before we married, remember we had only known each other six months at that point. I was sure we could work on any problems and, to be honest, the physical aspect was less of an issue then - I was just so happy at finding my "soul mate." I guess you could argue that we married too soon.....but at the same time we were both convinced we had find the right person. And in almost every way we had. As for the mid-life crises aspect; well I know it reflects badly on me, but it is what it is. I can't help it. Should I have thought about this before getting married? Sure. But I was kinda swept-up in the situation at the time and I thought I actually had found everything I wanted. You're speaking as if one can act rationally when one is in love CBT sounds interesting - I'll look into it. Thanks! Hi, you say you had only known your wife for 6 months before marrying her, BUT you decided to marry her. In doing so you made a commitment to work out all that crosses your path (and by your, I mean yours and hers, b/c marriage means you are united as one IMHO). By this I mean, what are you doing to try and resolve the issues you have in your marriage, have you even discussed how you are feeling with your wife? Or are you keeping her out of the loop on this? Re the midlife crisis aspect - just for a moment try something for me and see if it alters your perception of what you have written here? Imagine your wife came to you today and said "I'm feeling like I don't want to be married to you anymore, because I was bullied in my youth I feel I have missed out on having sex with other men and because you have a problem with letting go and having sex, I think I would be much happier living a single life and bedding lots of men". How would YOU feel? Don't you think there is more to life and love and relationships than this? Please don't get me wrong here, I DO UNDERSTAND how frustrating the lack of sex must be, but that's not the reason you married her is it? You married her because and I quote she is "your soul mate". How do you think you will feel in a few years time, when you have gone out and lived this single life and then one day you realise you are all alone and realise what you agve up for that, for sex, b/c that's what it boils down to. Like Ronni said, marriage shouldn't be a prison, but it also doesn't "just work" you have to make it work, both of you, together. That means talking to her about all this, what it means if she is unwilling to address the sexual problems etc. But if you can just walk away from a marriage without trying, what exactly is the purpose of marriage and commitment in the first place?
Author madmoggy Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Thanks again. I've read everything you guys have written (more than once) and I still just don't know what to do. I've come to realize that I have a lot of emotional baggage that I couldn't possibly have the time to go into on this forum. It's really one thing after another. Sigh. I'm having a bad day today and I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. I'll maybe have another try at explaining "stuff" another time. Thank you so much for your help.
Fifi LeFleur Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My sister feels the same way about sex. She has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). She was the head cheerleader in school, homecoming queen, beautiful, the whole 9 yards. She married her high school sweetheart. They've been married approx. 15 years now. My brother in law - who is really a great guy and who has put up with so much is finally at his wits end. My sister just can't lose control - EVER. Sex is incredibly rare for them. In case you're wondering, yes, my sister and I are close. Maybe it's too much information for her to share with me, but because we were raised in the same family, we are trying to work on her problem. She does go to counseling. She is also a compulsive shopper and a compulsive organizer. OCD is not curable. There is medication that can help but it lowers your sex drive so what good is it? The point is, my brother in law is ready to leave her. Sex is an important part of a relationship. It's not just the climax, but the intimacy of the act itself. He is lonely and needs more. My sister isn't lonely, she has her OCD that keeps her occupied. My brother in law has tried and tried to do what is right, but my sister understands that if she doesn't get well that he will leave her. I hate to say this because I believe in marriage, but I couldn't imagine being married the rest of my life and being lonely the whole time. See if she will try counseling, if not, you have to move on. There are no kids involved so you're fortunate. She needs to get some help and maybe you can too. Good luck.
LisaUk Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My sister feels the same way about sex. She has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). She was the head cheerleader in school, homecoming queen, beautiful, the whole 9 yards. She married her high school sweetheart. They've been married approx. 15 years now. My brother in law - who is really a great guy and who has put up with so much is finally at his wits end. My sister just can't lose control - EVER. Sex is incredibly rare for them. In case you're wondering, yes, my sister and I are close. Maybe it's too much information for her to share with me, but because we were raised in the same family, we are trying to work on her problem. She does go to counseling. She is also a compulsive shopper and a compulsive organizer. OCD is not curable. There is medication that can help but it lowers your sex drive so what good is it? The point is, my brother in law is ready to leave her. Sex is an important part of a relationship. It's not just the climax, but the intimacy of the act itself. He is lonely and needs more. My sister isn't lonely, she has her OCD that keeps her occupied. My brother in law has tried and tried to do what is right, but my sister understands that if she doesn't get well that he will leave her. I hate to say this because I believe in marriage, but I couldn't imagine being married the rest of my life and being lonely the whole time. See if she will try counseling, if not, you have to move on. There are no kids involved so you're fortunate. She needs to get some help and maybe you can too. Good luck. OCD is curable, tell your sister to see a fully qualified Clinical Psychologist, not a counsellor or therapist, a medically qualified psychologist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In addition there are many responses I could say about your brother in law, most of then not very pleasant, so I will bite my tongue! All I will say is that when your sister does get better, tell her to get herself someone who really loves and appreciates her for who she is, rather than someone who can be with her from highschool but only wants her whilst she is the perfect women he wants her to be. Before you all attack me, I do understand how important sex is, but at the end of the day, there is more to life and love than that. "For better for worse, in SICKNESS and in health". I know many of you will come back and say marriage isn't a prison etc etc, your entilted to your opinion and I'm entiltled to mine, love is about so much more than what the person can or cannot do FOR you.
Author madmoggy Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 So we're going to stay at a very nice hotel in Chicago for a couple of days before Thanksgiving to get away from it all and, hopefully, reconnect. I hope things will be a lot clearer when we get back. I'll let you know how it goes
hopesndreams Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Yeah, you might reconnect in Chicago but once you get home you'll slip away again. Is there anyone in particular that is turning your head?
Author madmoggy Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yeah, you might reconnect in Chicago but once you get home you'll slip away again. Is there anyone in particular that is turning your head? Oh, just every female in a 100 mile radius
Pavel_B Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My sister feels the same way about sex. She has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). She was the head cheerleader in school, homecoming queen, beautiful, the whole 9 yards. She married her high school sweetheart. They've been married approx. 15 years now. My brother in law - who is really a great guy and who has put up with so much is finally at his wits end. My sister just can't lose control - EVER. Sex is incredibly rare for them. In case you're wondering, yes, my sister and I are close. Maybe it's too much information for her to share with me, but because we were raised in the same family, we are trying to work on her problem. She does go to counseling. She is also a compulsive shopper and a compulsive organizer. OCD is not curable. There is medication that can help but it lowers your sex drive so what good is it? The point is, my brother in law is ready to leave her. Sex is an important part of a relationship. It's not just the climax, but the intimacy of the act itself. He is lonely and needs more. My sister isn't lonely, she has her OCD that keeps her occupied. My brother in law has tried and tried to do what is right, but my sister understands that if she doesn't get well that he will leave her. I hate to say this because I believe in marriage, but I couldn't imagine being married the rest of my life and being lonely the whole time. See if she will try counseling, if not, you have to move on. There are no kids involved so you're fortunate. She needs to get some help and maybe you can too. Good luck. I guess you just can't tell your sister to (ouch) quit it.
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