I've Had Enough

[Vampire]

I posted and deleted my story a few months back.

 

A quick re-cap.

I'd been with my ex for 10 years, raised her son from 6 to 16 as my own (he calls me dad etc), helped her fulfill her dream of going to college and then to Uni and eventuallly becoming a fully qualified social worker.

 

We split up on July 5th after a huge situation caused by her son on June 29th.

 

After a few days, she said "Maybe in 6 months time" and like a clown, I believed her.

She said I needed tomake changes in my life, and I have.

I have gone back to college, plan to do a degree next year, got elected student rep, got distinctions in my exams and have had faith in myself.

 

 

We met outside 3 times in 4 months.

The first time was after I couldn't take the pain any longer and said "The whole 6 months thing? It's not going to happen. I know it's over and I won't hassle you or trouble you at all. Turn around, walk away and don't look back."

 

She started crying and said that's not what she wanted and eventually hugged and kissed me. We went for dinner and talked about the future and how the time apart would help us grow strong.

The next morning, she phoned me for the first time in months and all was well.

 

The contact died down as suddenly as it had started and I feel that my telling her to walk took the wind out of her sails and took her power away.

 

Fast forward to October 1st and she went to stay in America for 11 days with an ex-boyfriend who is just a friend - I don't doubt that bit at all.

 

She said she'd call me when she got there and when she got back home.

 

Nothing for 25 days, so I called her last night with my heart in my mouth.

It's over. There is no going back and she is moving 300 miles up north back to her hometown.

She takes everything with her including the only family I have ever know; child, pets, etc

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Yet the day before she went, she came round here, we went for dinner, she hugged me, kissed me, told me everything was going to be okay and that she'd wear the engagement ring again.

 

I no longer have the heart or desire to complete college.

I have no support network.

I've moved back in to my mothers house and I'm going to lose the house that I found for us to live in.

 

I have nothing to show for my age and I am very much aware of that fact.

 

I can think of 100 reasons to kill myself and none to stay alive.

And I can't live with the pain of having lost the most beautiful, precious woman I have ever known.

And the family I have taken on as my own.

 

I don't expect answers here, or to be told to talk to someone.

Talking will not change how hurt and lonely I am.

She was my soulmate. We got engaged on New Years Eve last year.

Nothing or nobody will ever compare to what I've lost.

 

I just want people to know I lived and I have tried my best.

I know this reads like a pathetic cry for help, but it's not.

I know you may think I need to get a grip, but I can't.

 

The net captures everything and I just want someone, somewhere, somehow to know I existed and felt emotions; that I was very much a real person, however flawed.

Loneliness is a killer. I have nobody and nothing.

 

God bless you all. He didn't do **** for me.

Vaya con dios.

[McGrupp]

hey man . dont kill yourself.

 

i feel the same way. we have to be strong. accept and move on.

 

cmon you have a lot of life to live

[Solear]

Listen brother, I have had a similar story I got my girlfriend pregnant and she had a miscarriage then she decided she wasnt in love with me and left me, this was after a year and a half of her telling me she was in love with me and wanted my child. I've been exactly where you are. It's true i thought about suicide too as i thought no one gave a **** about me and I felt I had nothng to offer anyone. but LISTEN.. you have. You were good enough to raise her son and good enough that he called you dad. At least youve had that, I havnt had the pleasure.

 

A lot of people came out of the woodwork to help me and I was so surprised at how much people I didnt know cared. but you have to make the first move and tell somone your problem.

 

You need someone to lean on brother and were here to help you through it. LEAN ON US.

 

WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU AND WHEN YOUR STRONG YOU WILL HELP SOMEONE ELSE. THATS HOW IT WORKS.

 

ITS OK TO FEEL LIKE ****. IT MAKES FEELING BETTER SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT.

[Crusoe]

Cold hard truth. Loneliness is a teacher, self pity the killer. Accept, learn, fight.

[Vampire]

I spent the day sitting on a train platform.

I watched the trains speed in and realised that I could time it so that it went right over my neck.

I was crying and I realise that I probably looked like the type of person I'd have stared at innocently as a child.

A little girl stared at me so I waved. She waved back and that just made me feel worse for some reason.

 

I love my ex so badly that I don't want to live without her.

I can't cope on my own with losing everything I have worked so hard for.

Thankyou for your concern.

[seychelles]

how old are you vampire

[xpaperxcutx]

Vampire I understand your pain, but hitting rock bottom is only one of the steps in life. The courage to stand up and go forward is the most important though, and despite the hardships you're going through now, if you can pull yourself together, I'm pretty certain you'll finally see that life still has plenty to offer you.

 

Don't give up. Continue to post on here and we'll give you as much support as you want.

[JaggedRoad]

I spent the day sitting on a train platform.

I watched the trains speed in and realised that I could time it so that it went right over my neck.

I was crying and I realise that I probably looked like the type of person I'd have stared at innocently as a child.

A little girl stared at me so I waved. She waved back and that just made me feel worse for some reason.

 

I love my ex so badly that I don't want to live without her.

I can't cope on my own with losing everything I have worked so hard for.

Thankyou for your concern.

 

You're not alone. Believe me when I tell you that I've had similar thoughts after my ex broke up with me in August. I spent many of my days researching for ways to end my life. It's a dark place to be, but never ever think that you're alone. I called the suicide hotline twice when things were really overwhelming for me and I realized that I just needed someone to talk to. I have a very good support system composed of close friends and family, but there were always moments where I withdrew from them so my misery wouldn't affect them. Sometimes it's easier to reach out to strangers.

 

It's very hard to get back on track, but it's also very possible. My situation is different from yours, but I can understand your pain. You will make it; you will survive. Don't let someone else's decision make you lose your will to live. You will find your way back, and you'll be better than you ever were before. Don't lose hope for yourself.

[Vampire]

I'm 37.

I'm also going blind.

I've spent 10 years with a woman and made her dreams come true.

Every thing she's wanted to achieve, I've helped her do so.

 

I have no support network. I have my mother and that's it and even then I feel guilty upsetting her as her health isn't brilliant.

I have fairweather friends who have used me when they want to feel good about themselves so I have cut them out of my life.

 

I had a grandmother, but she is my ex's.

I have a son, but he's my ex's.

I have a dog and 3 cats, but they are hers. One of them is mine but I cannot take him away from his family.

 

I really, really do appreciate everyone's words, but ultimately, I have nothing to show for my life apart from a bag of "What if's".

 

I have nothing to show.

No one to come home to, no one to hold me at night or tell my secret dreams to.

 

I envy those of you who have managed to cope so much.

I wish I was like you, but I'm not and I won't kid myself.

 

I know that the magical "One Day" will make everything alright, but I also know that the time between now and then, will be too much.

Not everyone can be a broken hearted success story.

Some of us slip between the cracks or make the 3rd page for all the wrong reasons.

 

I would die just to have her hold me and say "I love you" one more time.

[shineonu]

hey, i'm in a similar situation.

recently divorced after 10yr horrible marriage.

 

i left her, my parents...that's MY parents took her in for the kids sake.

i lost my job from the depression

all my energy went to my divorce and not getting screwed in it. i went pro se.

 

i hit rock bottom having to build everything up from scratch.

don't know if i have any advice to give other than i took a month and was real bad to myself, then i decided i needed to stop, healed and every weekend i'm making strides to get out and meet people. and it makes you feel a lot better.

 

beat yourself up a bit, but not for long and damn, don't kill yourself.

you WILL get through this. People underestimate their ability to deal with this kind of thing...i was one of them. i'm glad i didn't take that route. you will too when you've healed enough.

 

good luck.

[hzan1230]

Hi there

 

I feel for you and I do know exactly your ups and downs. Your story it's very simillar to mine. If you need to talk to someone just let me know.

 

Best Regards

HZ

[lostmirthfulness]

Vamp - you say God did nothing for you. I would suggest that it might be in your best interest that your lady is no longer with you. If somebody was capable of doing this to you, then I wouldn't call her a soul mate.

 

I am in pretty much the same place as you,.. a little more then a month ago, I got my dreams torn away from me, all hopes and all stability that I had was gone in a moment.

 

It still pains me, but it has also taught me a few things. Number one is depend on God for comfort. I believe in a God that has plans that are beyond my comprehension at this moment, but in the end God knows what is best for us. He does teach us lessons in the process of life.

 

Your defeatist mentality will not get you anywhere. I have found some peace in knowing that what happened was meant to happen. I have also learned that I need to be number one - I need to do things for me now, no longer focusing all my power and everything I had on one single person.

 

I have picked up old hobbies, I have and am looking at going back to school. The right person is out there for us, and that right person will have more heart then those who have walked away from us.

 

Keep your head up and work on moving on. Its not painless, but take it as a lesson learned.

[ecm]

Vampire- imagine how the child that calls you "dad" would feel if you were to be gone!!! She sounds like she has some issues, no doubt. She sounds like she runs. You should do just the OPPOSITE. You should finish your degree, and do things for yourself and your SON! I'm not trying to say that this is the key to getting her to run back to you, but it certainly is a step in the right direction.

 

I think that little girl was your guardian angel. She was send to show you something good in the world, so you will realize that YOU are good. Knowing how sad you feel right now...would you want your son to feel like that? No you wouldn't. He's young and although you didn't elaborate on the "drama" that caused the break, I can imagine it was rough. Rough patches don't mean people don't love you. You need to up your game & take care of you. (Maybe even take a few psychology classes so you can deal with HER ) You are obviously a good person if you helped her raise her son. Don't take another good person away from us, please. the world has too many BAD ones! xoxo

[JaneDoe35]

Vampire - do not leave.....

 

My husband left me recently after a 14 year relationship, 10 years married, beautiful 8 year old daughter. This came out of the blue. I am 34, he is 33 and he is not the man I knew anymore. I know how heartbroken you are. We all do.

 

I know you said you don't have any pets anymore. Could you rescue a dog maybe? I read on another thread about a woman doing that and it really seemed to lift her spirits. Maybe not now...just an idea.

 

Keep coming back to post here, we will listen.

 

We are not all really 'coping' here. If I was I wouldn't be on Love Shack so often. I come here when I feel like running my car under a truck. No shame in feeling like you do.

 

Don't give in, feel your grief but don't give in to it.

[samkat13]

Vampire,

I am not just saying this to make you feel better... but you are not alone!! When I read your post my first reaction was "OMG....He's telling MY story!"

All I can say is that you are right....noone else can take your hurt away...trust me if it was as easy as that, I would have been healed last night! LOL (just trying to envoke a smile...)YOU NEED TO GIVE IT TIME!!!!

I really do know just what you are feeling, though, as I am fresh out of a 7 year relationship...and I KNOW she is my soulmate (even though she seems to have forgotten AGAIN). IT SUCKS and makes you just want to give up....

BUT...what if it's all part of the "plan"...what if all she needs is to go somewhere else to find out that with you is where she belongs? What if you give up now...U NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS!!!!!

If you know in your heart, just as I do, that she is your soulmate...then HAVE A LITTLE FAITH!!!! If she is yor "one", she will be back!

In the meantime, do all the things you wanted to do that u didn't/couldn't do when you were "strapped down"... and if you think about it, u know there are some.

Lighten up a little, learn to love life with or without her... for just ten minutes to start with...and pretty soon you will be able to find something every day that will give you reason to crawl out of bed. I have started making a list of two or three things each day that I want to accomplish.

I know u don't want to hear this my friend, but NOBODY wants to feel like they are responsible for someone else's happiness... that's just too much pressure to live up to and chances are that she might have felt a little stiffled by it.

I bet if we think back to what we were like when we first met and fell in love with them...we have changed. I think we need to use this time to find that person again. (We devoted our time an attention to everyone else and neglected ourselves) ONLY THEN WILL THEY BE ATTRACTED TO US AGAIN!!!

AND IF NOT...THEY ARE NOT REALLY WHO WE ARE MEANT TO BE WITH!!!

 

Do you have any other family members or friends that maybe you have lost touch with? Use this"meantime" to reach out to them...they still love you no matter how long it's been. If not, I suggest you look into being a mentor to a kid in the area that isn't fortunate enough to have someone to care enough to spend time wit them.

 

If you can't wrap you head around the fact that maybe she's just not who you thought she was (in my case that's the truth, but not necessarily yours), then that's ok. For now, until you feel stronger, just put one foot in front of the other and work on YOURSELF and YOUR life. We need to get to where being bak with them is an OPTION, not the end all be all of our exsistance!!

 

I'm right there with you...if you need a friend, u let me knowand w can chat... we'll come out of it in one piece and stronger...I just know it!!

[LostInLA]

It's so painful to feel like you lost everything.

 

Just remember that you never know what tomorrow will bring!

 

For now, just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Do things that will make you happy, you deserve it! Go to the bookstore or library and find books about coping with loss. Visit meetup.com and find some support groups.

 

The universe cares about you!

[Vampire]

Thankyou all so much for your words.

I feel as if I should answer some points to help explain a little more about this.

 

Regarding God, I have prayed every night and talked one to one with the powers out there. I've thanked God for giving me the strength to see the day through and begged that I be helped to get my Butterfly back.

I have done every single thing asked of my by her; jumped through hoops, run in circles and followed when she's moved the goalposts.

 

I have excelled in college to the point where I have recieved a distinction for my first main exam.

I have passed 7 entrance based exams. I have been elected student rep.

I have done everything just to hear her say "I'm so proud of you" - and all because she said we all needed to make positive changes to fix the situation.

 

It's like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey.

 

However, God didn't listen to me and so now I don't care for God.

The whole 'he may have better plans for you' makes prayer redundant. If it's pre-destined and praying has no effect, then what's the point?

If God works for you and you have faith, then I wish you the best of luck, truly.

 

 

As for her son missing me, for that's what he truly is, her son, it's not going to happen.

You see, the rough situation that lead to this break up, was that on June 29th, he pulled a knife on me in the heat of temper.

She took his side and hasn't once punished him or reprimanded him for having done that. I know this as he told me and so did she.

That made me feel completely worthless.

Although her son & I have patched our differences and he's apologised and hugged me, and also said he wants us all to get back together but stronger and better than before.

But he hasn't contacted or called me once since this happened even though we said we needed to work together to fix it.

I guess that Xbox 360 is too important to be dragged away from.

 

When we first met back in '99, I was competing for Great Britian in martial arts and externally, my confidence was high, although internally, I was nothing.

Her confidence was low on both scales due to a lifetime of feeling rejected. I built her up so much and helped her achieve her dreams.

I guess she couldn't handle the ego that came with her accomplishment.

She's now going back up to the North East to a place where she vowed she'd never live again as it she could only take it for 2 weeks at most for a holiday.

Back to parents who divorced and rejected her and offered her no help.

To a family that gossiped and were small minded.

 

I think that she feels waving her Degree will win her favours or respect, but the truth is, the fanfares will die down within a week or two and pretty soon, reality will set in and she'll realse it's not the promised land.

 

Me? I'll live with regrets of not marrying her sooner or having children with her years ago.

At 37, I feel like my time is over and I'll never meet such a sweet beautiful caring woman, for she can be at times, again.

 

When we met, it was pure chance and luck. Very much a Sliding Doors kinda scenario.

We were destined to meet I believe and so does she. Did.

A close friend of hers lived next door to a close friend of mine. Our friends were friends but we never crossed paths in either house.

She wanted to send her son to a martial arts club and she went to a martial arts store and looked at flyers.

One of them was mine and she took my number down but didn't get around to calling.

 

There are other instances, but you get the idea.

 

It's why we used to say we were meant to be. And now I am haunted everywhere I go by memories that torment and remind me of what I had but have ultimately lost.

 

I really do appreciate your words, honestly, but there are reasons for why some people can't cope and kill themselves.

 

I think of her. How she held me and said "I'll love you forever".

And I said, "Only forever?"

Nothing more. Nothing less.

[ecm]

I don't know what to tell you that could make you feel better instantly. the only thing I CAN say is this: the situation that is making you feel hopeless right now won't seem so huge in the future. I look back at many of thi times I've been sad and now think...wtf was I thinking? Honestly. You have a lot to live for. Patience, though it SUCKS, is a virtue

[stace79]

I'm 37.

I'm also going blind.

I've spent 10 years with a woman and made her dreams come true.

Every thing she's wanted to achieve, I've helped her do so.

 

I have no support network. I have my mother and that's it and even then I feel guilty upsetting her as her health isn't brilliant.

I have fairweather friends who have used me when they want to feel good about themselves so I have cut them out of my life.

 

I had a grandmother, but she is my ex's.

I have a son, but he's my ex's.

I have a dog and 3 cats, but they are hers. One of them is mine but I cannot take him away from his family.

 

I really, really do appreciate everyone's words, but ultimately, I have nothing to show for my life apart from a bag of "What if's".

 

I have nothing to show.

No one to come home to, no one to hold me at night or tell my secret dreams to.

 

I envy those of you who have managed to cope so much.

I wish I was like you, but I'm not and I won't kid myself.

 

I know that the magical "One Day" will make everything alright, but I also know that the time between now and then, will be too much.

Not everyone can be a broken hearted success story.

Some of us slip between the cracks or make the 3rd page for all the wrong reasons.

 

I would die just to have her hold me and say "I love you" one more time.

 

You have a hell of a lot more to show for your life than many rich people who have three degrees and a fancy car and house. You helped someone else. You were selfless and kind and generous. Do you know how many people actually have those qualities?

 

If you were able to exhibit that once, you can surely do it again. I have been where you are, too. I am only almost 31 and I felt like I had nothing to show for my life, either. And I have gotten myself into one mess after another.

 

But at the end of the day, all you really have is yourself and your thoughts. And only you can control them. You have the power to change your own life -- we can only try to listen/offer advice.

 

Don't waste the gifts you have -- kindness, compassion, generosity -- because they are so rare these days.

 

My suggestion would be to try and volunteer some of your time, instead of sitting contemplating ways to die. I visit a pediatrics unit of a local hospital, and that usually makes me a lot more grateful. Seeing children not even 10 years of age suffering from cancers and heart defects or dealing with radiation and chemotherapy -- somehow I just feel a little more lucky.

 

Plus knowing that these kids count on me to show up every other Saturday helps me feel needed and useful. It might work for you, too.

[Limbo21]

Oh Vampire, I feel for you man. I've not spoken about my suicidal thoughts on LS for fear of being ostracized but I'm having a hard time. Depression, anxiety attacks, agrophobia, hopelessness & fearful of the future. It's not about loosing my girl, that's just brought unresolved issues to the surface.

 

I'm currently on meds and sleeping pills but I didn't want to take the anti- depressents wanted to die. I've got another docs appointment on wed to up the strength

 

You MUST speak to a helpline as I have (already twice today). Yes we see no future right now but that's because were depressed. Were ill, we can't see straight

 

The people on here are fantastic. They have help me so much (ronni & nedved to name a few). Use them, I implore you

 

I can go into greater detail because my story is very very much like yours but I'm not posting to talk about me, I've got my own threads

 

Speak to someone, don't think about the future just yet. Stay of those platforms and keep posting

[stace79]

Regarding God, I have prayed every night and talked one to one with the powers out there. I've thanked God for giving me the strength to see the day through and begged that I be helped to get my Butterfly back.

I have done every single thing asked of my by her; jumped through hoops, run in circles and followed when she's moved the goalposts.

 

I have excelled in college to the point where I have recieved a distinction for my first main exam.

I have passed 7 entrance based exams. I have been elected student rep.

I have done everything just to hear her say "I'm so proud of you" - and all because she said we all needed to make positive changes to fix the situation.

 

It's like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey.

 

However, God didn't listen to me and so now I don't care for God.

The whole 'he may have better plans for you' makes prayer redundant. If it's pre-destined and praying has no effect, then what's the point?

If God works for you and you have faith, then I wish you the best of luck, truly.

 

Praying to God doesn't mean we always get what we want. Prayer is about turning to God with our problems and our hurts. We may not always like God's plan for our life, but he knows best.

 

Maybe God's intention in bringing this woman to your life was to motivate you to educate yourself. Obviously you are very intelligent and hard-working, to achieve the accolades you have in school.

 

Maybe you should couple your prayer with reading the Bible or going to church. I don't presume to know much at all about religion, but I do know that according to the Bible, God expects us to learn more about him through reading the Bible and developing relationships with other people who have the desire to know God fully.

[Vampire]

Thankyou for that.

I've phoned the Samaritans a couple of times, but apart from "Oh no" and lots of "Yes"'s, it gave me no comfort.

There is no replacement for the human touch.

 

Today I have sent her a few text messages and one on Facebook, although we're not even friends on ther as I joined after we split.

Nothing.

 

My son won't even answer his phone when I call. I guess his mother has made moving sound like the best plan all around. Emotional blackmail can be done through the subtlest of measures.

 

It's surreal to go from being so loved to cold indifference. I have no idea how the transition is made in such a short space of time.

 

It suprises me when people in the world, in general, say "Only weak people and cowards commit suicide" or "It's the easy way out".

I beg to differ.

It's not about being a coward or weak. Far from it.

As for the easy way out. That's a joke. You're driven to the point where there is nothing left to hold on to.

I have tried beyond belief over the past 4 months. Every single day without fail. That I agree took strength, but it was being held together by a promis or a dream.

When the promis is broken, what do you have to hold on to?

 

I really am extremely sorry if my posts are against the grain of how a board should be, or are pissing people off, but all I can do, is speak from the heart as there is very little else left.

[GorillaTheater]

It suprises me when people in the world, in general, say "Only weak people and cowards commit suicide" or "It's the easy way out".

I beg to differ.

It's not about being a coward or weak. Far from it.

As for the easy way out. That's a joke. You're driven to the point where there is nothing left to hold on to.

I have tried beyond belief over the past 4 months. Every single day without fail. That I agree took strength, but it was being held together by a promis or a dream.

When the promis is broken, what do you have to hold on to?

 

I really am extremely sorry if my posts are against the grain of how a board should be, or are pissing people off, but all I can do, is speak from the heart as there is very little else left.

 

It feels like all you have in your life is pain. Overwhelming pain. And everything you see or do or think is done through this suffocating blanket of pain. You just want to end the pain, I get that.

 

But pain, just like everything else in life, passes. And once it fades to the background, and life becomes enjoyable again, you'll look back thankfully that you didn't end things.

 

This isn't just a platitude, Vampire. I've lived this, emphasis on the "lived". Don't cheat yourself of the future.

[shineonu]

Thankyou for that.

Today I have sent her a few text messages and one on Facebook, although we're not even friends on ther as I joined after we split.

Nothing.

 

I hate to get realist...but this is a sure way to push her even further away.

Accept your reality as it is now. Work on you and not things that are out of your control (e.g., her).

 

I'm just now starting to get a pretty good grip on myself and it's taken me a year.

It starts out terrible...suicidal. don't do it. because each week, you'll find it's just a little bit easier...

after that, about every few weeks or so, it will hit you again full-force, just like the day she left...but then you'll pick up where you left off, and it will be even easier next time.

you'll do this little routine for a long time, and pretty soon, you'll realize you don't care so much anymore.

 

And then it's around that time whe she calls YOU. :mad:!!!!

but by that time...meh. maybe you care, maybe you don't.

 

You're in survival mode right now. A wounded wolf licking his wounds. Short on energy and a lot of healing to do.

Don't worry about controlling anyone/anything other than yourself. Pick one or two things important in your life and use them as a goal. But YOU always come first no matter what.

 

Another big thing that helped me...

I listened to A LOT of male self-help stuff. I highly recommend anything by David Deangelo, but especially his "Deep Inner Game" lecture.

Buy/obtain this however you can. This is some real stuff. Helped me reconnect to myself as a man who's suffered near-complete devestation and loss...even though the subject matter isn't specifically about that.

search for it on Youtube and you'll get a taste of it.

 

 

good luck.

Edited October 27, 2009 by shineonu

[Vampire]

I hate to get realist...but this is a sure way to push her even further away.

 

 

I hear what you're saying, but she has the advantage as she's planned this out in advance and has had a few months to hit me with it.

 

Not contacting her 2 days after she has destroyed my world as it stands, is like being kicked in the nuts and asked not to scream in pain.

It's impossible, however rational the logic may be.

 

She has ignored every call and text. The house phone is not answered and neither is my son's phone.

Am I not allowed to contact him?

Has he been coached to only answer his phone if his mother rings him?

Has he been told not to answer the home phone?

Is he doing it so that it doesn't upset his mother, regardless of how his father is feeling?

 

That's what makes it all so worse.

I know I'm not his biological father and as such, have no rights whatsoever.

 

It's so much easier for her to run home 300 miles away and take my family with her while I'm left to wander in London with all these ghosts surrounding me.

 

I wish all break-ups were black and white, but you have to concede that there are shades of grey and not everything is solvable by NC.

 

I love my family with all my heart and would die for them.

But I'm already dead to them.

Vicious circle.