bellabella Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hi all Been a while since i've been here, but here goes. Met a guy in May and we really hit it off. Since then we've been seeing each other a few times a week and most weekends pursuing a joint interest. Since the first day I met him we've barely gone a day without contact and I always look forward to hearing from him. He gave all the signals of being interested and eventually we hooked up. Since then we've hooked up a few more times but he says he's not interested at the moment in more than friends, but yet continues to contact me all the time. Two weeks ago I told him i wanted more or nothing and he told me not to pressure him. Then continued to carry on as he had been before with just as much contact (and seeing each other), but nothing physical. Should I take him at his word and give up all hope of anything more? Would someone really bother investing so much time in someone if they really had no interest, even if they knew that the other one liked them? Never had this situation with someone before! Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Time to be harsh, so I'm sorry. He's putting in effort hoping to get some more hook-up time with little emotional investment on his side. I hate to say it, but I see this as you being nothing more than a booty call. His effort isn't becuase he is interested in you as a person, he's interested in what's between your legs. If you want a full blown commitment and he does not, then you need to cut everything off. Do not withhold intimacy but keep in contact. As you said, it is ALL or nothing. Meaning either he dates you or you completly leave him be. You can't live your life in limbo. Learn from this. If you want more than a booty-call or FWB, then do NOT be intimate before you know the real status between the two of you. If the guy knows he can get sex without an emotional connection, then he'll think you are the best person on the planet. He doesn't have to put forth the effort as if you two were dating, yet he reaps all of the benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bellabella Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 yeh, that's what I probably would have thought, but the reason we stopped all the physical stuff is because he doesn't want a relationship right now, and he doesn't want to do the wrong thing by me. He seems to be putting all the emotional energy into it, without getting the sex! I know he cares about me a lot (as a friend) - the question is does someone put all that energy into just a friendship if they don't want anything more (more effort than any of my exes have put in!)? Or do i need to just accept it and try to stop liking him? Time for sleep now. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 He sounds as if he's putting some energy into it because he's hoping to get back to sex without strings. What does he do for you? Regardless of that, if you want more than friends and he doesn't then you simply cannot settle for anything less than what you want. It will just be too difficult for you. Trust me. Do you really want to see him go off and date another girl in front of you? I only know what you are telling me, so maybe he really does care about you as a friend. Maybe he does want to to the right thing and not be in a FWB. But to me, it sounds as if he's just not that interested in a relationship with you at this point. You need to accept that and stop analyzing his actions. I bet if another girl comes along, all of a sudden he would be ready to commit. It always happens in these types of situations. You'll be left absolutely crushed, so take some pain now and move on to save yourself a ton of pain in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 What do you want? It seems you made yourself pretty clear...more or nothing. So what are you still hanging around in the same situation? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 OK, here's one scenario.... He's still got 'feelings' for someone else, hence doesn't want a 'relationship'. He finds you attractive and knows women's psychology enough that, if you and he have sex a few times, there are switches in your brain that will be thrown to give him a positive position with you with minimal maintenance as he sorts his feelings out. This is the male version of the monkey-branch theory of relationships. He's paving the way with you (and likely with other ladies) for a replacement, at some point in time. He's very smooth. Since you and he had sex repeatedly, I'll assume you enjoyed it. He knows this. Now, he can back off the sex, purportedly for noble reasons like not wanting to hurt you, and remain in contact, knowing his presence will take your emotions back to the sex. Tic-toc. I wish my game was that good. Too old I guess Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Sounds to me like he's looking for a FWB situation only. If you want more than that, run. Once you get into a FFWB situation, the chances of it growing into more than that are almost zero. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bellabella Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 ok, thanks for the opinions. I guess I'm not giving enough information. I know how much he cares about me, and he is a good friend, that part is not in question. I know he's not in it for the sex either. We spend a lot of time together, and will continue to, as we share the same interest and we like taking part in it together. I would be pretty gutted if he started seeing someone else, however, at the moment I know there isn't anyone else as there's no spare time. The question is more about how much time he invests in me, and then says he's not sure what he wants and we we should just be friends, this is what i find confusing. He thinks of reasons to contact me, and we never go a day without speaking on the phone/emailing, even if we're seeing each other that day (he initiates 80% of the time). I don't know, i guess i'll just have to see how it pans out and give him some time. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 When I was the gender-reverse, an emotional tampon, I could have written your post. Beware that people are not always what they appear to be. Long life experience and many mistakes have led me to this conclusion. He knows what you want; he knows how you feel. You really know none of these things from him. He's giving you just enough to keep his name in front of you and to hopefully keep you from accepting the serious attentions of another man. I ran into a lot of women like yourself when I was single for about 20 years. There was always someone else 'kinda' in the picture, someone they had sex with but were unclear about the relationship. I didn't really understand the dynamic at the time but assumed they were unavailable and moved on. Beware of meeting a good man and him discerning likewise about you, as long as you remain in this dynamic. Set a timeline for the 'all', and, if no joy, he gets 'nothing', as in a black hole. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author bellabella Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks - I don't think he's meaning to be unfair to me, but he is a bit. Though our lives are quite tied together, and i do get a lot out of the friendship too. So I'm not going to cut all ties, but we could stop all the extra calls and emails. The way things are, i wouldn't have anyone else because i do still hold out hope for him and it wouldn't be fair on another guy. I don't get why he is doing it though, he doesn't want me, but doesnt want anyone else to either? Going on holiday with him in a few weeks, will see how it is after that, then i might have to make some tough decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Simply put, he wants what you give him, not to be confused with you, the person I understand that now, after a couple decades of a similar experience. Perhaps in your case it will be different, and I will be wrong, but it's up to you to decide how you want to live *your* life. Like you said, decisions. Decisions can be a good thing Link to post Share on other sites
Author bellabella Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 yes, i've thought that, maybe he likes the companionship, someone to talk to and having someone who cares about the day to day stuff, but that's what a girlfriend is for. Onwards and upwards anyway. Thanks Carhill Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Simply put, he wants what you give him, not to be confused with you, the person I understand that now, after a couple decades of a similar experience. Perhaps in your case it will be different, and I will be wrong, but it's up to you to decide how you want to live *your* life. Like you said, decisions. Decisions can be a good thing carhill gives the best advice here! I say you listen to him... think about what YOU want and are you getting it from this guy? if not, it's time to move on... easier said than done I know but believe me, it will hurt that much less. Let's just say I've been in your shoes before and it sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
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