tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 OK, for those not following along at home, Ex asked for a divorce in April, got her wish in early August. Said and I quote that she would rather drive her car into a post then be with me anymore! After everything was final, she came and got her stuff and left a letter explaining that we would someday be friends again. Yadda Yadda, you all know the drill and can see my threads. Well fast forward my hellish life to recently. Sick as a dog, caused by my work and pretty much living on LS. Havent spoken to her since the day our marriage ended and haven't seen her in person since she walked out on me the day my best friend died, July 2. Now I'm getting texts asking how I am because she heard I was sick. Although I don't know how, none of my friends or family have talked to her anymore then I have. Didn't respond. Yesterday,I get a card that it took me til today to open. Nothing, cold as ice, all business written into a card? Why does she bother? She wanted me gone and i gave her what she wanted, so why keep picking the scab I'm so desperately trying to heal? I'm giving her nothing, not a text, call, wouldn't even wave if I ever saw her on the street. It's what she wanted from me. So why the half a$$ attempts at contact with no purpose? I literally stared at that envelope for a good long while with a lot of fear and just a shred of hope for what might have been inside. Why do the leavers feel it's necessary to toy with our hearts and keep the pain alive? TOJAZ
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Nothing, cold as ice, all business written into a card? Why does she bother? She wanted me gone and i gave her what she wanted, so why keep picking the scab I'm so desperately trying to heal? Please describe this. My best friend, someone who has a lot of life experience and went through a brutal divorce 28 years ago, has offered me the opinion that, behind the anger, there is regret; regret for her decision; regret seeing you move on in a positive way; regret that she now must accept full responsibility for her choices. When a woman is used to getting what she wants and others serving her, such change is painful. He and his wife have been real helpful to me during my divorce in making contingency plans for unexpected turns of events, and especially with emotional support. I hope you don't feel alone. I know what that's like. Sucks big time. Hang in there
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Please describe this. Well, not sure what i expected, but it was a cute little greeting card, inside she drew out the time limits on my health insurance, when my coverage is going to end (already has been well covered in the divorce paperwork) then ends it, after apparently knowing about my hospital visits, that she hopes I'm well? The part i found strange was that she put it all in a card rather then just typing it in an E-mail or text or something like she has always done in the past, seemed very deliberate! TOJAZ
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 What was the theme of the card? Sorry for sounding morbid, but I'm fascinated by the psychology of the divorcing woman I've even been thinking about starting up therapy again just to learn more about this dynamic and better psychological tools to deal with it. I hate the knot in my gut all the time. Guess you can identify with that, perhaps....
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 What was the theme of the card? Sorry for sounding morbid, but I'm fascinated by the psychology of the divorcing woman I've even been thinking about starting up therapy again just to learn more about this dynamic and better psychological tools to deal with it. I hate the knot in my gut all the time. Guess you can identify with that, perhaps.... Yeah, I can relate. The card was blank on the inside, an all occasions card. The front was a Renoir painting of a woman with a dog. Wasn't really the card itself, more the gesture. My entire seperation was carried out through E-mail and text, so actually sending a card stands out. TOJAZ
JaneDoe35 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 I honestly find it impossible to comprehend your ex-wife. Who does this sort of thing? Sending a card, knowing that just seeing the envelope would send you into a tail-spin. It is downright cruel whether intentional or not. Burn it.....or just recycle it as if it is nothing. Sorry that you have to go through this.
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I honestly find it impossible to comprehend your ex-wife. Who does this sort of thing? Sending a card, knowing that just seeing the envelope would send you into a tail-spin. It is downright cruel whether intentional or not. Burn it.....or just recycle it as if it is nothing. Sorry that you have to go through this. Wish i could. Filed it away with everything else shes sent me. A lovely box full of 13 years of love letters and pictures, and divorce papers and cards like these. I wish i could understand. She maintains in her letters that she wants to be friends etc. Yet this is what I get. Sad thing is, l;ately i've been the one giving advice here, and now from one card, here I am again. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Tear it up, put it in an envelope and mail it back to her, that shoud get the message through. If she sends another, don't open it, return to sender. Message should be recieved loud and clear. Who the h**l does this women think she is? She gave up all rights to your kindness and love when she tore your heart out and stamped on it and NOW she wants to rub salt in the wounds as well?????????????? If she wanted to try enad resolve things with you and reconcile she would alk over broken glass, believe me, send the card back, if she truely regrets what she has done she would be at your door. This women is unbelievable, she is just trying to aliveate her guilt (because she knows she was wrong in what she did, but can't admit it, doesn't have the strength of character) and so she feigns concern about your illness, to make herself feel better. This isn't about you Tojaz AS ALWAYS (and all our cases) THIS IS ONCE AGAIN ABOUT HER AND HER NEEDS. SELFISH.
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Did the card look like this? Tell me, was your ex a card person while you were married? BD cards, anniversary cards, thank you cards, etc? The quick answer is to forget it and relegate her to the compost pile of the past, but you did start the thread I literally stared at that envelope for a good long while with a lot of fear and just a shred of hope for what might have been inside. It's ironic that, legally, you're a lot further down the divorce road than I am, but, emotionally, I'm far more neutral/indifferent. The quote above underscores that. My knot comes from the reality of my life's work riding on the peaceful outcome of this divorce; I haven't been where you are for a couple of years now. I can empathize though. Maybe some exit therapy could help. If you don't mind introspection, you can learn some tools to manage your emotions when these hiccups pop up. My bet is there will be more of them. She's not done with you yet
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Tear it up, put it in an envelope and mail it back to her, that shoud get the message through. If she sends another, don't open it, return to sender. Message should be recieved loud and clear. Who the h**l does this women think she is? She gave up all rights to your kindness and love when she tore your heart out and stamped on it and NOW she wants to rub salt in the wounds as well?????????????? If she wanted to try enad resolve things with you and reconcile she would alk over broken glass, believe me, send the card back, if she truely regrets what she has done she would be at your door. This women is unbelievable, she is just trying to aliveate her guilt (because she knows she was wrong in what she did, but can't admit it, doesn't have the strength of character) and so she feigns concern about your illness, to make herself feel better. This isn't about you Tojaz AS ALWAYS (and all our cases) THIS IS ONCE AGAIN ABOUT HER AND HER NEEDS. SELFISH. I second this and agree with Lisa, tear it up and send it back to her. You don't need her pity, you don't NEED her at all after what she has done...I'm learning this as well with my STBX. She is feeling guilty and is trying to hurt you so she can feel better. Remember all the advice you gave me about my ex doing this....it's a game....an ugly, selfish game.
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Tear it up, put it in an envelope and mail it back to her, that shoud get the message through. If she sends another, don't open it, return to sender. Message should be recieved loud and clear. Who the h**l does this women think she is? She gave up all rights to your kindness and love when she tore your heart out and stamped on it and NOW she wants to rub salt in the wounds as well?????????????? If she wanted to try enad resolve things with you and reconcile she would alk over broken glass, believe me, send the card back, if she truely regrets what she has done she would be at your door. This women is unbelievable, she is just trying to aliveate her guilt (because she knows she was wrong in what she did, but can't admit it, doesn't have the strength of character) and so she feigns concern about your illness, to make herself feel better. This isn't about you Tojaz AS ALWAYS (and all our cases) THIS IS ONCE AGAIN ABOUT HER AND HER NEEDS. SELFISH. Oh, I know Lis, but that little shred of hope that my wife is alive and well somewhere inside the monster i've been seeing, keeps me opening them. I doubt I could take her back. I've seen and learned too much, and seen some of what i've been missing in others. Still, that hope for an apology, a shred of remorse, would give me a lot of peace. I guess, in the end thats all I want for my life, a little peace. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Oh, I know Lis, but that little shred of hope that my wife is alive and well somewhere inside the monster i've been seeing, keeps me opening them. I doubt I could take her back. I've seen and learned too much, and seen some of what i've been missing in others. Still, that hope for an apology, a shred of remorse, would give me a lot of peace. I guess, in the end thats all I want for my life, a little peace. TOJAZ I know, I want an apology too, I want/need him to admit he has CP so I can get some closure and some peace, but I also know it's never going to happen, he isn't capable of it, if he was he wouldn't have walked. I also now he is gone, because he was never the person I thought he was in the first place. Same with your xw, she appeared to be one thing when in fact she is another, for some reason we just missed it or they didn't reveal it to us. This isn't a case of the person we loved dying and being replaced, the person they are now is the person they ALWAYS have been, this capability was always in them. I get your shread of hope, but she isn't there, because she never was. (Sorry if I am being blunt tonight, very tired, fighting sleep).
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Did the card look like this? Wow, you are really into this! No, it looked like this>>It was a close up of the girl in the lower left, all the others are cropped out http://www.impressionist-art-gallery.com/images/Luncheon.jpg Tell me, was your ex a card person while you were married? BD cards, anniversary cards, thank you cards, etc? Yes, cards for every occasion, usually two. All carefully picked out, etc. Still have most of them. The quick answer is to forget it and relegate her to the compost pile of the past, but you did start the thread Easier said then done. It's ironic that, legally, you're a lot further down the divorce road than I am, but, emotionally, I'm far more neutral/indifferent. The quote above underscores that. My knot comes from the reality of my life's work riding on the peaceful outcome of this divorce; I haven't been where you are for a couple of years now. I can empathize though. Maybe some exit therapy could help. If you don't mind introspection, you can learn some tools to manage your emotions when these hiccups pop up. My bet is there will be more of them. She's not done with you yet Way ahead of you there. Way ahead of you there.
floridapad Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Tojaz, the answer to your subject line "why must they play wih our heart" is pretty telling. The answer is (and yes I know you know this).....because YOU allow her too. YOU allow her to have power over YOU. YOU allow hope to creep in to the forefront. I know it ain't easy but it is what it is.
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 I second this and agree with Lisa, tear it up and send it back to her. You don't need her pity, you don't NEED her at all after what she has done...I'm learning this as well with my STBX. She is feeling guilty and is trying to hurt you so she can feel better. Remember all the advice you gave me about my ex doing this....it's a game....an ugly, selfish game. Agreed, and like I told you, I'm a sucker! So much so, I cant see the same things i tell others in my own life. Said it many times, but things are so much clearer when your on the outside looking in. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Agreed, and like I told you, I'm a sucker! So much so, I cant see the same things i tell others in my own life. Said it many times, but things are so much clearer when your on the outside looking in. TOJAZ That is so true, it's easier said than done.....
Author tojaz Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Thats right. I'm a romantic fool, but i would rather feel the pain of love lost then feel nothing at all. Just a rough patch, gotta get back on the horse before Gunny finds this thread and blasts me. LOL:laugh: TOJAZ
2.50 a gallon Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) Tojaz Maybe this will give you some insight. I was once in a relationship, the girl was madly in love with me, my family was madly in love with her, my sister and my mom would take her shopping, between them and her parents wedding plans were already being made. And it might have happened as I did love her. To make matter worse, she was a shy 23 year old, and had few boyfriends. She worked nights as a head nurse, but was so shy that the only time she was out of her apartment, was a 10 foot walk from her door to her car. She had a brand new car for over a year and had never had the courage to take it above 45, until I came along. I was kind of a wild child in those days and with me she got the courage to venture out into the world of bars, dancing, partys and she came out of her shell. Unfortunately for her, I met someone else, whom I fell madly in love with and I know I broke her heart when I broke up with her. Six months later, I am out Christmas shopping for my new lady and notice that the previous girlfriends car is home, Thinks me, now is the chance to get my things back, records, winter jacket, and knock on her door. When she answered the door I notice that there were no holiday decorations. But seeing me her face lit up, until I announced that I was just there to pick up my stuff. The pain that flashed through her face scarred me forever. All I could mumble was I'm sorry and ran away. WHAT AN IDIOT! I was in my own happy little world and never considered the fact that it was Christmas and what her feelings would be like. You talk about stabbing the knife in deep, I did it. I just wasn't thinking is no excuse. Sometimes we get in our own little world and totally forget how our actions may hurt another. Ten years later Karma got me back. The year before we got married the XW started what I hoped would be our Christmas tradition of tree decorating, when she emerged from the bedroom, in this black scanty lingere, with heels and stockings. Hugh Hefner eat your heart out. We got married over the holidays, honeymooned over Christmas, so the first Christmas after the breakup was a double whammy. I had a new lady, so was surviving. But the XW wanted me back, even sent me a gift. Then came the Christmas card with no return address, The d*mn card had a picure of Betty Paige (sp) dressed in lingere on the cover, inside was a note inviting me over to decorate her tree along with her address and phone number. Karma can be a bitch! I know she didn't mean to hurt me, she just wasn't thinking Gallon Edited October 17, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
Author tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 I get what your saying gallon, and it makes a lot of sense, but me and her have gone down this road before on my birthday. At the time we were still married but had been apart for quite awhile. She sent me a card and I didn't even have the nerve to open it, had a friend do it and she told me it was nothing I wanted to read. For 13 years cards were a huge deal for any occasion. I later wrote her an E-mail telling her exactly how I felt and would rather not be hurt. She knows exactly what shes doing. When she got he rown place she mailed me a few thing, nothing but the return address on the envelope, now her maiden name in letters twice the size of all the others, should really stop over analyzing these things, but thats deliberate. TOJAZ
Heartford Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Tojaz Maybe this will give you some insight. I was once in a relationship, the girl was madly in love with me, my family was madly in love with her, my sister and my mom would take her shopping, between them and her parents wedding plans were already being made. And it might have happened as I did love her. To make matter worse, she was a shy 23 year old, and had few boyfriends. She worked nights as a head nurse, but was so shy that the only time she was out of her apartment, was a 10 foot walk from her door to her car. She had a brand new car for over a year and had never had the courage to take it above 45, until I came along. I was kind of a wild child in those days and with me she got the courage to venture out into the world of bars, dancing, partys and she came out of her shell. Unfortunately for her, I met someone else, whom I fell madly in love with and I know I broke her heart when I broke up with her. Six months later, I am out Christmas shopping for my new lady and notice that the previous girlfriends car is home, Thinks me, now is the chance to get my things back, records, winter jacket, and knock on her door. When she answered the door I notice that there were no holiday decorations. But seeing me her face lit up, until I announced that I was just there to pick up my stuff. The pain that flashed through her face scarred me forever. All I could mumble was I'm sorry and ran away. WHAT AN IDIOT! I was in my own happy little world and never considered the fact that it was Christmas and what her feelings would be like. You talk about stabbing the knife in deep, I did it. I just wasn't thinking is no excuse. Sometimes we get in our own little world and totally forget how our actions may hurt another. Ten years later Karma got me back. The year before we got married the XW started what I hoped would be our Christmas tradition of tree decorating, when she emerged from the bedroom, in this black scanty lingere, with heels and stockings. Hugh Hefner eat your heart out. We got married over the holidays, honeymooned over Christmas, so the first Christmas after the breakup was a double whammy. I had a new lady, so was surviving. But the XW wanted me back, even sent me a gift. Then came the Christmas card with no return address, The d*mn card had a picure of Betty Paige (sp) dressed in lingere on the cover, inside was a note inviting me over to decorate her tree along with her address and phone number. Karma can be a bitch! I know she didn't mean to hurt me, she just wasn't thinking Gallon Wow, this is so sad, but wonderful at the same time. You realized the pain. I bet it has made you a better person, realizing how you can deeply affect those that care about you. Maybe Tojaz, this'll help you feel your ex isn't harming you on purpose. It's just all she knows to do.
Auroracoladybug Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 With the baby I have to see J often enough to keep my mind on wanting what may never happen...last night idiot me asked him if he missed me...He said he missed being around but couldn't answer if he missed me
Author tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 With the baby I have to see J often enough to keep my mind on wanting what may never happen...last night idiot me asked him if he missed me...He said he missed being around but couldn't answer if he missed me What do you think he meant by that? He's not going to throw you a bone just yet, but that statement is a lot different then it was when you started out. TOJAZ
2.50 a gallon Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 Tojaz You are so right. This was a subtle deliberate "Ha Ha, I hear you are sick" I have no idea why she continues to try and tweak you. Prepare yourself as I think you can expect a holiday card also Gallon
Author tojaz Posted October 17, 2009 Author Posted October 17, 2009 Tojaz You are so right. This was a subtle deliberate "Ha Ha, I hear you are sick" I have no idea why she continues to try and tweak you. Prepare yourself as I think you can expect a holiday card also Gallon Way ahead of you!
LisaUk Posted October 17, 2009 Posted October 17, 2009 PLEASE if she does, DO NOT open it, RETURN TO SENDER, unopened!
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