Seperated with kids

[tnttim]

I am 32 she is 29, married 9 years, and have 2 kids. A month ago I caught her texting another man, about 600 times in a month. I know what that means. I moved all of her stuff into our bedroom and I live in the living room. I was done with her at that point. After I cooled down I said we could work this out, and she said no. She said their was no passion, no love for me anymore. She hasn't stopped texting him, or seeing him. She says nothing is going on but I know I do not have anybody in my life that text and talk to that much. I know I'm going to hear it from you guys when I say I want her back. So save the insults, it doesn't help, and it won't wake me up. I have built a family with her and I want to continue it reguardless of whats she's done. I haven't made the mistake of begging her to stay, or say "but I love you" or the marriage vows speech. I have let her do her thing. I try to be happy around her all the time, and not show I'm dying inside. We talk each day, usually under an hour. We spend every Monday together to watch House. She has opened up to me about things in her past that bother her, not anything about us, which I think is good. I just listen and try not to offer any advice, let her be her. I am reading a book that says I should the opposite of what we are normally taught. It says to take this time to find myself again. Do things I wouldn't normally do, agree with everything she says, date other woman as friends, act like you've given up on the relationship, and have fun. I have done a lot of these things. I'm looking for what works. What can I do to better my chances of getting her back? I am prepared to let her go if she chooses. I know if something serious is going on she'll not be able to live here for very long, she'll want to be with him. I'm prepared for that outcome. I feel like since she is still living her I have a shot. I also know she could just like the comfort of having a semi-family and a new love.

[WTFO]

I am reading a book that says I should the opposite of what we are normally taught. It says to take this time to find myself again. Do things I wouldn't normally do, agree with everything she says, date other woman as friends, act like you've given up on the relationship, and have fun.

 

 

 

 

I don't know if I would jump to this extreme,just yet. IMHO I would exhaust all avenues before it got to this. just my .02

[imagine]

Legally- get back into the house. Technically you've just cut your own throat.

 

You are doing what is called the 180. It can work, but it does not involve you walking out of the house. Another thing about walking out is that it gives her the opportunity of inviting another man into the premises and making you look like a bad guy in front of the kids.

 

Please read the articles at Marriage Builders.com. Come back when you are done.

[tnttim]

I never intended on leaving. Dating another woman will give me self worth, show me I don't need my wife and make her jealous when she sees me with another woman making me happy. I'm just not ready to do it, and it seems too drastic right now.

[Auroracoladybug]

Doing things for yourself will give you self worth (psst secret: you already are worth it), no you don't need your wife but you want her? I think best to say go out but don't date for dating and jealousness...for fun and time out.

[stepka]

don't drag another woman into this--too hurtful and really you'd just be using her. Not fair at all.

[tnttim]

This seperation to me at least means try new things, and do things by yourself for yourself. That is why I'm not doing it, right now it's not for me to date someone else. I'm just saying I'm am thinking outside the box right now. It's the way I am. I smoked crack from age 16 to 21, and then 1 day I said this is not for me. I quit cold turkey, and never even came close to coming back. When I think with my mind instead of my heart I always come out on top. I was just asking for opinions, and thank you to those who gave it.

[tnttim]

Doing things for yourself will give you self worth (psst secret: you already are worth it), no you don't need your wife but you want her? I think best to say go out but don't date for dating and jealousness...for fun and time out.

 

I totally agree with you. Believe me I'm amazed by my progress right now. I read Homer Macdonald's stop your divorce and it really changed my outlook on life, all aspects not just her. I know the differnece between a want and need. I have 3 needs, air, food, and shelter; everything else is a want. He says when you think of everything as a want, and say you don't get that want. Then you won't be so disappointed and won't dwell on it. You say I have what I need, and I'm happy to have that. I still want my wife back though.

[tnttim]

don't drag another woman into this--too hurtful and really you'd just be using her. Not fair at all.

 

I disagree. First when you date someone you should have no expectations of a second date or a relationship. You are simply trying to have fun with someone of the opposite sex. If you are busying your mind with thoughts of relationship then you'll never get it, it just happens. If you like spending time with that person it will grow without you trying to make it grow. Roses don't need use to make them grow, they do it by themselves all the time. Read above, I am willing to try anything, and everything. It doesn't mean I will do it, but I want to consider everything and not close my mind to anything.

[Auroracoladybug]

good for you tnttim...I miss my H too...going and doing things but yes time will come naturally...

[tnttim]

good for you tnttim...I miss my H too...going and doing things but yes time will come naturally...

 

Thank you

[tnttim]

I know my wife is with this other guy. I have been able to truly accept this today. I also have decided to stop working on the marriage, it's over. I am going to continue to get myself better. When I heal myself I am going to find a sweet girl and make her mine. I know my next relationship will be better because I am better. I will continue to strengthen my relationship with my family. I will keep being friends with her for the sake of the kids. It's over and I'm happy, I would have never guessed it would happen so quick.

[Auroracoladybug]

I am glad that you are at this point tnt...for me the problem is J isn't with anyone else and things have been weird...He spent Saturday afternoon with me and inviting me to go out with him and our son...then Sunday when I went to pick up our son he was even willing to go to dinner with us and wanted to show me where his new condo is...I want him back so bad and even with all the stuff he has put me thru in the last three months...yes he needs to become more stable and figure himself out and he is in a year long lease with that place...I truly wish that I didn't have to get the divorce to get Child Support...

[coldatnight]

I know my wife is with this other guy. I have been able to truly accept this today. I also have decided to stop working on the marriage, it's over. I am going to continue to get myself better. When I heal myself I am going to find a sweet girl and make her mine. I know my next relationship will be better because I am better. I will continue to strengthen my relationship with my family. I will keep being friends with her for the sake of the kids. It's over and I'm happy, I would have never guessed it would happen so quick.

 

I'm happy for you. She probably never deserved you anyway. I bet you kept trying to change and help the marriage. You changed so much you weren't even you anymore. You do need to find yourself again, don't wreck your next relationship with the baggage of your old marriage. I like how you put sweet girl, not sexy or hot. You obivousely have learned looks mean very little in a long term relationship. Good luck, I hope I never see you again on here:p

[runrocket]

I know my wife is with this other guy. I have been able to truly accept this today. I also have decided to stop working on the marriage, it's over. I am going to continue to get myself better. When I heal myself I am going to find a sweet girl and make her mine. I know my next relationship will be better because I am better. I will continue to strengthen my relationship with my family. I will keep being friends with her for the sake of the kids. It's over and I'm happy, I would have never guessed it would happen so quick.

 

I'm sorry things did not work out the way you wanted them to, but I'm glad you were able to find peace with it. All the best.

[tnttim]

Here's an update of my situation. We are almost fully back together now. We kissed 2 weeks ago like teenagers. We went on Saturday, a real date. We had sex on Monday. I truly feel okay right now, the heartache is gone, and I don't worry as much when she leaves the house. But, the almighty BUT, I still think she is in some way with this guy. I do trust her but I can't fully trust her right now. I found out she was cheating as soon as it happened, because I could feel it, call it intuition. I have a great ability to know when I'm being lied to or deceived, should have been a judge. My opinion is that she is keeping him around because she fears I'm going to turn into Dr jeckyl again, drinking and yelling. I realize time heals all wound, and I can't rush time. My question is: Do I confront her and tell her to end it, never really works, or do I slow down with her and continue going out and having fun without her, which seemed to get me were I'm at today.

[nobmagnet]

take your time. Your dating and thats good but rushing straight back to how it was is a mistake. You both need to change to move forward. I would suggest (if your not already doing it) marriage councilling. It will enableyou both to learn from this andmake you stronger as a couple if it works

 

xx

[seibert253]

Your marriage will not heal until a number of things occur. Having sex and spending time with each other does not mean her A is over. Judging by what other's have been through, her A is probably not over. Your marriage will not heal and she will not give you 100% until the A is done. Until she's truly remorseful, honest, and committed to you, the drawl of her A will be there, and she will go back. It's like a drug.

She needs to hear from you the damage she's inflicted on your marriage and you. You need to tell her point blank, you do not trust her, but you want to. Let her know she can do the following to regain your trust and fix the damage that's occurred:

 

1. She has to go NC with the OM. Period, end of story. She needs to send him a NC letter, E-mail, text, whatever. It needs to be short and to the point; "I've decided to commit to my marriage, therefore our relationship is over. Do not contact me again in any fashion ever again". That's it, nothing else. You need to see this, and watch her send it.

 

2. You need to "see" that she can be trusted by her being totally transparent in everything. You need to see for yourself by having access to her cellphone, e-mails, etc. You need to "see" for yourself that she is honoring NC and is committed to your marriage. Tell her; "right now I do not trust you, but by being transparent in giving me access, you are proving to me you are trustworthy".

 

3. She needs to be brutally truthful and honest about EVERYTHING, to include her affair. She needs to answer ALL your questions honestly. Without honesty, you have nothing.

 

4. Both of you need marriage counseling to identify problems within your relationship which lead her down this road. Don't be confused with this, the A is her fault and hers alone. But, MC helps to identify issues which will insure this doesn't happen again. You both should consider Individual Counseling. For you it is to help you deal with this and other issues which will arrise. For her, to understand why what happened, happened, and how she can work through this and to deal with her past issues, and those which will come up in the future.

 

These are not negotible. It's either all or nothing. Please don't be illusioned that because you had sex and everything seems alright, that it is. Because in all likelyhood it is not. Many affairs go "underground" and they just find better ways to hide it. Many "take a break", then resume after the heat is off and the BS thinks everything is "back to normal".

 

Your wifes reaction when you present this to her will speak volumes about how she feels about you and your marriage. If she truly loves you and wants to remain married to you, she will do whatever it takes to remain. If she waffles, complains, or flat out refuses, chances are your marriage is below the OM on her priority list and the A is not over.

 

Present what I said to her in a loving compasionate way. Don't make demands but present it as her choice. Goes like this"

"Honey I love you more than anything but by what's happened but I'm not sure you feel the same. There are some things you can do to show me you love me and are 100% committed to our marriage. These are not demands and I'm not going force anything upon you. These are some things I think you can do to show me your commitment to our marriage. The choice to follow these lies with you."

 

Try this and keep us updated.

[nobmagnet]

very very very good advise

[JLoves]

Thanks for the update. It gave me hope that there is still a chance of reconciliation with our partners, and that the 180 does make a difference.

 

Good luck with your situation, I hope things keep progressing the way you want them to..

[tnttim]

I like your advice but no way am I following it, sorry. It's up to her to prove that to me, I shouldn't have to ask. I know she still talks to him, she told me. I have stopped being so loving towards her. I fed her a little now I'm gonna take it away. If she wants me she'll have to come to me. If not, I'm done trying, I'll move on. My heart is almost healed, my new life has begun and I love it. What she does and the sins she commits are her cross to bear. I'm happy and that's all that counts. My kids are well taken care of by both of us, who could ask for more. I don't need her love, I want it. I can walk away from a want no problem. I needed her love 2 months ago, I'll never be that guy again. I'm here to help now. So please don't listen to anyone who says I should ask her to. She just came in here and asked me I'm looking for something better. I told her yes, then I said a reconcillation will just happen, it won;t be planned.

[tnttim]

Thanks for the update. It gave me hope that there is still a chance of reconciliation with our partners, and that the 180 does make a difference.

 

Good luck with your situation, I hope things keep progressing the way you want them to..

 

It works, just follow it to the T. It helps even if you don't get back with your ex.

[tnttim]

Wow it works. When she gets mad and negative, I just agree with her. Whatever she says, just agree no matter how crazy it sounds, it works. She appoligized to me the next day, after an all night and all morning hissy fit. I think that's what they look for, strength and emotional stability. I stood my ground and didn't let her piss me off. She gave me her ring and said I can do what I want with it. She's also talking about renewing our vows on our anniversary. WTF is going on? She didn't want anything to do with me a month ago. The difference was my attitude and the fact I was going out and having fun. Sound familair.

[JLoves]

She gave me her ring and said I can do what I want with it. She's also talking about renewing our vows on our anniversary. WTF is going on? She didn't want anything to do with me a month ago. The difference was my attitude and the fact I was going out and having fun. Sound familair.

 

Ride that roller coaster baby...

 

I'm with you on the 'if she wants to reconcile, then she has to do the work'. I've decided that in my relationship, that it's up to her now. I can't make her come back, she has to decide for herself. Which ever way she decides its going to go.

 

I'm just going to get on with my life, with or without her. 1 day, 1 month, 1 year.. How ever long it takes.

 

Been over a month that I've been solo parenting.. Getting easier every day.

 

I think what seibert253 is trying to say is that those things can be talked about once she decides to work on the relationship properly. There's no point talking about it until that happens.

[tnttim]

Ride that roller coaster baby...

 

I think what seibert253 is trying to say is that those things can be talked about once she decides to work on the relationship properly. There's no point talking about it until that happens.

 

She has already told me that she knows she needs to go NC with the OM. I still don't think she has, but that's not the point. A lot of people miss what's really going on when a seperation happens. They only think on their own terms about what she's doing. My wife is reeling most days, she still confused. A good husband would be there for her, listen to her problems, and understand them. It's no wonder why a lot of people fail at this point. They get a little contact from their jilted spouse and they start again with their selfish feelings. Then wonder why they run to the OM. I want to be her sancuary, and she needs one. The fact she still talks to him bothers me, but I don't let it show, I joke about it. I'll let the OM f**k it for himself, and I know he will. Am I scared of the future, NO, I can say that with confidence now. I'm happy and that's what life is all about. Am I forever changed from this, hell yeah. Is it better or worse this way, I'll never know the answer to that so I don't worry about it. Thanks for the positive post jlove.

Edited December 13, 2009 by tnttim