Jaspe_Loco Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I'll try to summarize, but it's a long story. About 18 years ago, (I was 20) there was a girl that worked next door to my employer that I was crazy about. I was somewhat shy then and was afraid to ask her out. After several months, I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out only to find out that had left for college, presumably never to be seen again. From that point, I swore to myself that I would never fear rejection again and been considered bold and confident by most women since. I married a couple of years later and just had a miserable marriage. I was committed to try to make it work but my wife wasn't. I had been consulting with an attorney about divorce when I met someone (Kelly) at work. She was walking down the hall with her three kids, one in diapers, and I still couldn't resist introducing myself. I made every opportunity to be near her or get to know her despite knowing she was married. I was relentless. And one day, we finally kissed and it was unlike any kiss I'd ever experienced in my (at the time) 35 years. I knew when I kissed her she was the one... even though I had never believed is such a thing. A month later, I filed for divorce. It had nothing to do with Kelly... it had been a long time coming. Things were off on and on with Kelly and I due to her guilt. A couple of times she ending things, I did once or twice because I could tell it was so hard for her. But we'd alway end up together again. After nearly 6 months of separation, I reconciled with my wife. She was about to go bankrupt and didn't want my daughter (6 at the time) to watch her mother fail so miserable... even though she did it to herself. She did appear to have changed and I thought I would give it one more try. Despite reconciliation, I still continued to see Kelly. A few months later, our jobs separated Kelly and for a little over two months. We emailed several times a day at first, then they tapered off. When were back at the same office again, she was distant from me. I confronted her about it, but she wouldn't admit there was anything wrong. I knew her well enough to know that she was trying to distance herself from me to save her marriage. I backed off. I was furious that she wasn't honest with me, but understood that she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to go through with it if we were alone. In the meantime, my marriage only got worse. I wanted to leave, but my wife always made it hard for me. She would use our daughter to hurt me and I couldn't stand that. Contact between me and Kelly was professional only. Whenever she made an attempt to be anything more than professional, I would distance myself. A little over a year after Kelly and stopped seeing each other, we started talking on a friendly basis again. She would stop by my office, or I would stop by hers. But I tried to keep some distance between us until about 8 months ago, when we kissed again. She told me that she tried to make things work with her husband, but that he wouldn't stop drinking. He did what he wanted to do and never considered her or the children. She also said that she never stopped thinking about me. During our conversation, we were talking about our past when she mentioned she used to work with someone I knew. I asked her what her maiden name was and.... unbelievably, she was the girl that I was too afraid to ask out. All the time, I'd been in love with the one that got away and didn't know it!! I'd always knew she looked familiar, but we live in a small town and she's only a couple of years younger than me. I just thought we'd seen each other around. To make a long story short (too late, huh), a couple of months ago, we decided to leave our spouses and pursue a relationship together. Working together adds some complications to it, so where trying to be patient and plan over the next few months. I have to admit that the failure rates for our kind of relationship are high... and it worries me. I like to think that we're different from others, I imagines that there are a lot of other divorced couples that thought the same thing. I will say that I've never loved anyone as I love Kelly. I didn't even know what being in love meant until I met her. Our relationship is strong and not based on sex or the "excitement" of cheating. We didn't even have sex until a few months ago... almost two and one half years after meeting. I'm extremely happy, but a little worried too. I don't want to be just another statistic.
Bejita463 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I'm extremely happy, but a little worried too. I don't want to be just another statistic. You are a statistic. The only thing that remains to be seen is what that statistic is. As for the story... just keep in mind that someone who is willing to betray one spouse may be willing to betray another. I am not referencing her alone there. You have to do right by you, but part of that is recognizing what has happened. Marriage is supposed to be sacred, and kissing people who aren't your spouse does not really fit into that category. Your relationship may end up with trust issues if care isn't taken to avoid it. For what it is worth, I do hope things work out for you despite not particularly liking how you've gotten to them.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I have to admit that the failure rates for our kind of relationship are high... and it worries me. I like to think that we're different from others, I imagines that there are a lot of other divorced couples that thought the same thing. I will say that I've never loved anyone as I love Kelly. I didn't even know what being in love meant until I met her. Our relationship is strong and not based on sex or the "excitement" of cheating. We didn't even have sex until a few months ago... almost two and one half years after meeting. I'm extremely happy, but a little worried too. I don't want to be just another statistic. Funny, all I see is rainbows and butterflies, but all I smell is horse poo.
seibert253 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Funny, all I see is rainbows and butterflies, but all I smell is horse poo. That's too funny. But true. You're a cheater, she's a cheater, maybe you deserve each other. By the way, too many of us here are sick of the justifications for cheating. There are none. But what the hell, if you love her D your wife. If she really loves you, she'll D her husband. Then the two of you can be happy and everyone else, kids included, can be miserable.
Double Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 You're apprehensive because both of you have chosen to take the easy route.
lkjh Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 you hit on a woman while she was with her kids including one in diapers. I am so gonna laugh when she cheats on you
RedDevil66 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 the only thing that stands out in your post is when you said "I was furious that she wasn't honest with me" Just sorta of ironic that you expect honesty from a cheater. Sometimes these sorts of unhealthy unions do work out. My ex off 11 yrs left me for a married women. She left her husband. They got married and have no been together for 9 yrs. Oh and I forgot to mention, he begged for me back about 100 times, even after they were married. Now he's cheating on her. It's par for the course.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 You are a statistic. The only thing that remains to be seen is what that statistic is. As for the story... just keep in mind that someone who is willing to betray one spouse may be willing to betray another. I am not referencing her alone there. You have to do right by you, but part of that is recognizing what has happened. Marriage is supposed to be sacred, and kissing people who aren't your spouse does not really fit into that category. Your relationship may end up with trust issues if care isn't taken to avoid it. For what it is worth, I do hope things work out for you despite not particularly liking how you've gotten to them. Despite some of the generalizations above, I don't like the way it happened either. I spent the first 13 years of my marriage dedicated to my wife despite her multiple affairs. I remember how it hurt to feel betrayed. It surprises me how easy it has been, especially over the last year since Kelly and I have gotten so close. But instead of cheating, we should have ended our marriages before pursuing this relationship. I know this, but when you're involved in an affair, especially an emotional one as ours. What once was morally black and white, becomes morally ambiguous. I appreciate the well wishes.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Funny, all I see is rainbows and butterflies, but all I smell is horse poo. Maybe you should shower.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 . Then the two of you can be happy and everyone else, kids included, can be miserable. My wife was verbally abusive to daughter and verbally and physically abusive to me. Before I ever considered having an affair, she attacked me in front of my daughter because she found a CD in my car that had one love song on it, amongst fifteen other songs. She punched me, kicked me, and clawed my arms and stomach... in front of my daughter. When I filed for divorce, I provided the judge with nearly 60 pages of journal entries concerning her behavior. In the end, I was granted full custody of my 6 year old daughter and initially held a restraining order against my wife from contacting us. Kelly's husband is a heavy drinker. A typical weekend night with him begins with her dropping him off at a party and picking him at 4 am, kids in tow. If she refuses, he threatens her, calls her wonderful names like "bitch", and tells her that he's going to get a girlfriend because she a horrible wife. Oh, and he does this in front of their kids. Also, he's unemployed at the moment. He didn't like his 60K a year job because he had to work late hours. Of course none of this is justification for cheating... we both should have left our spouses before we met. But don't assume our selfishness will make our kids miserable. I dare say our kids would be better off if we were married.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Oh and I forgot to mention, he begged for me back about 100 times, even after they were married. Now he's cheating on her. It's par for the course. I won't be begging my future ex-wife back no matter what happens between me and Kelly.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 You're apprehensive because both of you have chosen to take the easy route. How exactly is this the "easy route"?
seibert253 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 My wife was verbally abusive to daughter and verbally and physically abusive to me. Before I ever considered having an affair, she attacked me in front of my daughter because she found a CD in my car that had one love song on it, amongst fifteen other songs. She punched me, kicked me, and clawed my arms and stomach... in front of my daughter. When I filed for divorce, I provided the judge with nearly 60 pages of journal entries concerning her behavior. In the end, I was granted full custody of my 6 year old daughter and initially held a restraining order against my wife from contacting us. Kelly's husband is a heavy drinker. A typical weekend night with him begins with her dropping him off at a party and picking him at 4 am, kids in tow. If she refuses, he threatens her, calls her wonderful names like "bitch", and tells her that he's going to get a girlfriend because she a horrible wife. Oh, and he does this in front of their kids. Also, he's unemployed at the moment. He didn't like his 60K a year job because he had to work late hours. Of course none of this is justification for cheating... we both should have left our spouses before we met. But don't assume our selfishness will make our kids miserable. I dare say our kids would be better off if we were married. You've answered your own question. If the two of you will be better off without your current spouses, and happier together, then both of you need to get D'd. Then live long and prosper, and let the chips fall where they may.
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