beyondsad Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I came across a picture of my husband that has always been one of my favorites of him, and in that instance I was overcome with such emotions it surprised me. In the picture we are on our honeymoon and he looks so handsome and carefree- getting ready to go surfing and I remember being so in love and feeling so loved by him. We are at a year from his A and I have finally come to realize I will never again feel that again. No matter how hard we are working at it those feelings of total commitment are forever gone. I tried to talk to him about it and he just so adamnent that we put it all behind us that he fails to see me slipping away right in front of him. We are hanging on not wanting to let go of 14 years, but he is not that man I saw in that picture and he can never be again . His affair has forever changed me and in some ways I still have so much anger at him for doing this to us. I stll lie awake at night wondering why I am settling for this relationship. In my heart I feel I will walk away from him because he is not the man in the picture I married , he is some stranger that totally bull****ted me to believing he was a good guy!
aeh Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Beyondsad, I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I had to respond because I know exactly how you feel and have said almost every sentence you posted verbatim. I have to ask though, do you ever have good days, where you feel there is hope?
Author beyondsad Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Good days hmmmm. I feel I am my worst enemy because when I am having a good time my mind wonders to that place and starts thinking about him and her!! Example- date night, good dinner, few drinks, drive by the beach he pulls in to the parking lot , things get heated up and bam my mind is wondering - did he do her in his truck etc. I am able to keep my mouth shut at this point but WTF will this ever go away. My H wants everything to just go away. He tells me he loves me , our life , kids everything but I am dying slowly inside. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how does he not see or feel how bad I am doing I use to feel so lucky having him now I feel like I got the booby prize. I question myself all the time WHY do you stay WHY. Seeing that picture of him so frickin good looking and remebering how lucky I felt I was to have married someone who feels thae same way about me- is crushing. This sucks!!!!!!
turnstone Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 People don't change. Not fundamentally. The affairs my nearly x has had came as no real surprise to me. I knew, deep down, that he was dishonorable and had no integrity. The pain I feel is truly not as bad as it would be if I had felt about him what you way you felt about your husband. Now I'm not taking that away from you, but if what you say is absolutely true, if you once believed he was the good man you say he was, then you're doing yourself no favors (you are, as you say being your own worse enemy) in hanging on to your grief. You need to find a way to work through it and find a way for him once more to be the good man you married.
silktricks Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Beyond, your feelings are understandable, but they are not accurate. No one is all good nor all bad. Even good, honest honorable people can do bad, dishonest, dishonorable things at times. I'm sure that your husband wants all the pain and sadness to be gone from you. But that's not reality either. It takes a lot of time to heal from any severe injury, and you've experienced the most significant wound to your heart and psyche that you'll probably ever have. A year doesn't usually resolve the anguish and pain. You need to know, however, that the feelings you say can "never" return can. Have you gone to any MC? You may find that it helps. Do you have an understanding of what happened to your husband that allowed him to have the affair? Do you trust him again? The pain can go away, but it is necessary to rebuild the marriage basically from the bottom up. I can tell you that I have back the feeling that I'm lucky to be married to this man. I, too, didn't think that could return
freestyle Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I feel a big part of the problem is your H's desire to "sweep everything under the rug". You're only a year past the A. After 14 years of marriage. It's completely normal for you to feel what you're feeling. A betrayal isn't something you just "shrug off"................. Do you feel that he's shown adequate remorse? He needs to understand that it's on him to do the bulk of the heavy lifting right now. He's the one who needs to do the work to regain YOUR trust-by offering complete transparency, accountability, and compassion for your current state of mind. The intrusive thoughts and images about your H and the AP are also normal. According to what I've read, they do lessen in frequency with time as the healing process progresses. Your H needs to participate in the healing process as well, it's not just about you--- it's about the two of you. Are you going to MC?
misternoname Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Wow...can I relate! After my divorce I had the unpleasant task of sorting through pictures. Like you, I would look at old pictures of us trying to remember what my life used to be...carefree and loving. But as soon as I put them away I immediately reminded myself that the girl in the picture is the same one that blatantly and with zero regard for me, jumped into bed with other men. I agree with a previous poster's assessment...sweeping it under the rug doesn't work. We tried that. no counseling, no real resolution. All it did was give her a chance to "get away" with it and made me a paranoid nut. Like you, visions of her indiscretions would creep into my mind at random times...eating at me like a cancer. Oddly enough, it was her that finally packed up and left. I thought my life was over but a little over a year later I'm so much better off. No more recollections, no more worrying where she was, who she's with, etc. I see two options for you. Get into serious counseling and YOU take control of how you decide to resolve the lingering emotions. He lost the right to dictate anything to you the minute he stepped out of the marriage. Option two is simple...get the hell out and move on. Frankly, option 2 hurts the most initially but fixes the problem a whole lot faster. Option 1 takes a lot more time and patience. I will warn you...no matter what you do be prepared for never truly trusting him again. The 800 lb gorilla in the room never really leaves. Good luck.
Author beyondsad Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 We went to MC , we do date night , he is transparent in his comings and going . I would have to say the delay in recovery is with me. I am very non-trusting where before it never entered my mind. TIME is what I hope will heal me. I want to feel happy again , I want to feel like he's the one again. I find joy in my life , I am a very active woman and have great kids , good job etc it is just I have become insecure and I don't like who I am now. I was on AD for alomost a year and weaned myself off them about a month ago. I think he is doing everything he can it is just I can't seem to let it go - I am so damn resentful that he did this to us and everyday trying to have a smile on my face trying to be happy is just wearing. We are getting thru this but it seems easier for him than me. That damn picture last night was so symbolic to me and just brought a rush of emotions and memories. You just don't know what is in your future because looking at that picture of him just made me think back to a time that I knew in my heart that he was incapable of hurting me the way he has.
misternoname Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I fully understand...I went into a deep funk...insomnia, lethargic, uncaring about life etc. My self esteem was crushed. Your mind will play tricks on you...it must have been my fault somehow. Maybe I wasn't attractive or maybe I was not adequate in the sack. I must be a loser... Once I was free, I had to beat the women off with a stick. I've been dating for the last year and a half a beautiful woman 8 years my junior. She tells me all the time how handsome I am how much I satisfy her sexually and so on. Once my self esteem was healed my depression issues vanished. I figured out real quick that my ex's problems were hers and hers alone. I wasn't the cause and I sure the hell wasn't going to be the solution. Please don't let his stupidity bring you down! If you are as you described I guarantee you could do better than a philanderer...just my humble opinion.
Author beyondsad Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Misternoname- thank you for your opinion I see truth in it. I am smart enough to know in my brain that his infidelity comes from within himself and his own weakness. I think how could I have missed that in him and it pisses me off!!! My life seems to be in a limbo neither healing nor getting worse just sorda trudging thru. My family thinks everything is fine and are doing well. It is deep within me that I feel so unsettled. If yu knew me as my friends do they are shocked that I am staying with him as I am with myself. I am just on that fence for now hoping for the best. How long I can stay here is the question. I hate to think that I am just postponing what may happen anyway if I don't feel better soon!! Thanks all for your insight
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hey Beyond I wonder if you not allowing yourself to accept that he is not the man you idealize in that picture is actually causing you to suffer. What I am saying is that...he is not that man, and in many ways, affair or not, he has changed. He is the man he is today. He is also not just the man that had an affair. When you compare the superman in the picture to the creep that cheated on you...of course you will be sad. Nobody is just one sided...we are people, made up of many sides. When you can accept that he is both men, and many other things then you may find some peace. The other realization you may have to come to is that you may not want the man that he is...that can be a painful truth. However, I think you bring upon some of your suffering by refusing to see that he is really not either man...but a new man...as you are probably not the same woman you were on that honeymoon.
quankanne Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 sounds like you're doing everything you can to heal the marriage, but in order for it to truly heal, he has got to face his transgressions and allow you to talk about it. Or else it turns into a big, festering wound that has the potential to erupt, or worse, seriously poison you. Just because *he* doesn't think he needs to address his actions doesn't mean they shouldn't be. I'm guessing that once you work through this by talking about it, true healing will commence ... good luck! q
1_hangininthere Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I read your post closely and had tears when you said something about how he isn't the same person you married. It does suck to look at old pictures and wonder what happened. Here's my advice (for what it's worth). If this is the first time he has been unfaithful you have to get through it. Hang in there and keep working on it. But you have to decide that your marriage is more important to you than your pride. When these images pop in your head you have to try to change the channel. Think of something else. Focus on the good things he has done for you, the times he brought you chicken soup when you were sick, or hugged you when you were sad, or listened when you were angry. Whatever you have- focus on the good. It is too easy to focus on the bad things. I'm not saying bury your head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. I am saying don't let it run your life. If you're still hurting and feeling this way then you do need MORE counseling- together. BUT if he has cheated on you before... f%$# 'em. pack your bags and beat feet!!! There. That's my advice. But advice and butt-holes. Ya know.
FreezorBurn Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Good days hmmmm. I feel I am my worst enemy because when I am having a good time my mind wonders to that place and starts thinking about him and her!! Example- date night, good dinner, few drinks, drive by the beach he pulls in to the parking lot , things get heated up and bam my mind is wondering - did he do her in his truck etc. I am able to keep my mouth shut at this point but WTF will this ever go away. My H wants everything to just go away. He tells me he loves me , our life , kids everything but I am dying slowly inside. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how does he not see or feel how bad I am doing I use to feel so lucky having him now I feel like I got the booby prize. I question myself all the time WHY do you stay WHY. Seeing that picture of him so frickin good looking and remebering how lucky I felt I was to have married someone who feels thae same way about me- is crushing. This sucks!!!!!! Your are still on that emotional Roller coaster. "STOP" don't make any perminate choices untill your feelings are in check. Guys have affairs for totaly diffrent reasones then girls. HE CAN AND STILL MOST LIKELY LOVE YOU. I say when those feelings come up Like they did and still do with my cheating wife. Physicaly remove yourself from there presants so you don't start up anything. Of cource I have a hard time living by this but I try.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 beyondsad I hear where you are coming from. Sorry I don't have an answer for you. When I was in your shoes the mere presence of her made me want to wretch. All the "I'm sorrys", "I want you back"s, "I'll never do it again"s, "You are the one I love"s, just didn't cut it. There was no way I could ever so much as kiss her again. It was just too dirty! And there is no way I could have worked through the sex images! It was like the movie "Old Yellow" I saw once as a kid. Once! And Never again. I know how it ends and do not ever want to go there again. I choose mrnoname's approach and am glad I did. I have now been with my GF for well over a decade and have no problems with what she did with guys that came before me. Even made love in the same bed as with her previous boyfriend. No problem How you get around those triggers I do not know. I never wanted to try
Recommended Posts