Stuck with a repentant husband?

[turnstone]

I've been reading threads in this forum for a few days now and its helped my understanding of affairs a lot, I'm grateful I found it. There still remain a few questions though, so I hope writing here will help me to discover the answers with your help. I have been married for six years and two weeks ago I discovered my husband has been having an affair for the last five. Its complex, but it turns out that he has been sleeping with one woman on and off for the entirety of the five years and several others inbetween.

 

Despite the fact that our sex life hasn't diminished at all in the time we've been an item (we have always had sex at least once a night when we're together) and the fact that we've always been good friends, laughing and joking, sharing all the ups and the downs, I've suspected he wasn't faithful to me. Those instincts I wish I'd listened to, have been proved right. I suppose it was a combination of believing I wasn't good enough to be given the gift of trust and the belief I was too good for anyone to cheat on me. A weird mixture of insecurity and arrogance.

 

Anyway, I digress - the point is, since discovering the multiple other women, I've stopped loving him. Completely. But despite this and moving myself and my things lock stock and barrel out of his life and his way, he is literally begging me to come back to him with such profound and profuse apologies I'm almost embarrassed for him. Even writing 'my husband' makes me feel.... bleugh.

 

I have flowers delivered every day with letters, notes, cards. He turns up at my work and my home with gifts and promises. He's given me his passwords to every email address he's ever had - including some I didn't know about. He sent me the names and contact details for the women he's slept with since being married to me (who knows if its all of them?) and has told his son from his first marriage the reason for my leaving. (His son is 24 and a great guy, we've always got on very well. I had no intention of telling him what his father had done and I'd reassured my husband of that, but my husband apparently wants to prove his transparency/honesty/blah to me.) All this and I'm unmoved. I just want him to leave me alone now.

 

What do I do? What do I think? What should I feel? Frankly, I'm lost.

Edited October 6, 2009 by turnstone
horrid editing

[loveslife]

Honestly, I wish more people would feel the way you do when they discover their spouse has been having affairs. Stop loving them. Trust is gone, respect is gone. What else is there?

 

If he has been capable of such an intricate web of lies for so long then he has proven he cannot be trusted. He's a manipulator. He manipulated you. He manipulated all these women and now he's betraying them by giving you their names and contact information. Nice guy all around.

 

Just because he's being nice to you now and contrite doesn't mean he has CHANGED. And it doesn't erase YEARS of deceipt. It's just some smoke and mirrors. Someone who would do this has serious issues that don't just resolve themselves overnight.

 

And don't fall for going to MC. It's well beyond that, IMO. Besides, lying men use MC to manipulate the women.

 

You deserve so much better. A good man is out there just waiting to show you.

 

Take some time to work on yourself. Figure out why you allowed yourself to get into this situation. Pursue your dreams.

Edited October 6, 2009 by loveslife

[1Angel]

No, no, no. A leopard cannot change his spots. Sure he might be a good guy with admirable qualities when he wants to be. He might be genuinely sorry. So what. That doesn't change the fact that he's mistreated you. Once a serial cheater like that, it's really hard almost impossible to be any different. It's a pattern. It's not you or anything you did. You must keep believing that.

[Ronni_W]

What do I do? What do I think? What should I feel? Frankly, I'm lost.

Although there wasn't cheating in my marriage, at the end of it I felt the same as you. Unmoved. Lost. Detached. Like I was watching a really bad, bad movie.

 

The flowers and crap...I felt both amused and confused.

What I did...the best I could, to get my 'new life' on track. I did not, really, pay much attention to what he did or said. Looking back, I think that was cos I just didn't have the energy.

What I thought...my brain was vomiting random crap in those days at the rate of a thousand feet per second. I don't have memory of too many specifics.

 

Does yours know that you are done? And that you won't be manipulated by flowers or anything else that he can think to 'offer'?

 

Hugs, and best of luck -- I hope he does somehow get the message soon.

[silktricks]

You feel what (and how) you feel. You shouldn't IMO try to change how you feel. That would be lying to yourself. Of course, it's possible that your feelings will change back, too.

 

You've got all the time in the world to make decisions, and I would (personally) suggest that you don't make any permanent decisions while you are still in shock - either to go back or divorce. Take your time so that whatever you do you are prepared.

[Athena]

The title of your thread made me laugh! Certainly, I think you are lucky to have lost your love for him just like that -- it allows you to let off your Commitment to BE with him. He was f**king other women left, right, and center, and that shows how low his commitment to you really was. Be glad your feelings kicked in to protect you.

 

As for his begging, pleading, and repenting -- this is all part of his seduction. He will do Whatever It Takes to get the woman he wants (which is why he is such a successful Charmer with so many women), all he is doing now is charming you up.

 

Let him go while you can. While your heart has detached. He is a serial cheater, through and through.

He had no 'reason' to cheat on you, he just did because he could. And yes, he seems genuinely trying to win you back for himself now... and when he gets you (because he gets ANY woman he sets his sights on) he will soon be back to his old tricks. That's my opinion, based on his past actions. Behaviors tell you what the person is Thinking... your H's cheating tells you he feels entitled.

[turnstone]

Thank you all so much.

 

Loveslife, I'm glad you've advised against MC (marriage counseling, right?), I don't want to disclose my feelings about anything, let alone about this, to anyone that may have any interest in his wellbeing.

 

1Angel, thank you for the reassurance. I suppose because of the extent of his cheating, I can only think he is ill in some way, and I don't believe there's a cure even if he wanted one.

 

Ronni, its great to hear from someone who's felt the same way. I love your description of brain vomiting crap, that pretty much sums up my confused and tired thoughts. I have told him in no uncertain terms that its over and the flowers and crap will get him nothing but my pity, but he's not listening. I wish I had not given him my new address and I'm considering exploring the appropriateness and possibility of a restraining order.

 

While I can see the sense in not making any drastic decisions whilst still in shock, silktricks, he and every twisted thing he stands for is repellant to me, and the more he pursues me and tries to prove his integrity (WTF?) the more I feel revolted by him and my marriage to him.

 

You know, I had a msn conversation with one of the other women, the one that he'd been sleeping with on and off for the duration. She had the sheer afrontery to tell me she 'pitied me'. I feel sick that I have had him inside me.

[turnstone]

Yes, Athena, I feel you're right.

 

your H's cheating tells you he feels entitled.

 

THAT is it! My God...........

[loveslife]

Ugh. I know how it feels to be so disgusted by someone you've trusted, loved and been intimate with. It's like a part of you dies and you feel empty inside. (At least that's what happened with me.)

 

What Athena said about him feeling entitled really is hitting the nail on the head. Abusive men feel entitled. They don't respect the women they are intimate with. "Being nice" is just a part of the abuse. It's just another ploy to have "ownership" of you.

 

And yes MC does stand for marriage counseling.

 

I am SO glad that you are turned off by this jerk. Believe it or not, many would not be turned off, they'd be trying to figure him out. That's a big mistake. None of this is about what he feels, it's about how messed up his THINKING is.

 

The other woman "pities" you? Ha! That's because she thinks he likes her better or she is somehow superior. You and I know better.

[misternoname]

I'm one that forgave and tried to forget but in the end we were just putting off the inevitable. Her cheating ate at me like a cancer...at the most inappropriate and random times a vision of them f***ing would pop into my head.

 

In retropsect I wish I had had the courage to walk away when I should have. My reward for staying was more infidelity, more pain, more broken promises, etc.

 

After 23 years of intermittent misery I'm finally free...sharing my life with a sweet loyal woman that treats me with respect. Speaking of...cheating to me is the ultimate act of disrespect and without respect what do you really have???

 

I admire your bravery...I'd reject future gifts from him, stop contact, dust yourself off and get on with life 2.0.

 

Best of luck.

[turnstone]

I feel all my muscles clenching when I see him, my stomach, my fists, my mouth, everything.

 

The lack of respect and everything else identified here is what gave me cause to suspect his trustworthiness. His niceties were very much part of controlling me and yes, I see that he's using the same tactics. Or at least trying to.

 

I remember him telling me one of his exes was a 'nice' person and then going on to inform me that I wasn't. He looked at me with curiousity when he said this, like he was examining a specimen for a reaction.

 

I can't fathom how other betrayed wives cling to hope, I can understand why, but not how. In many ways I see that they are so much stronger than I could ever hope to be, but reading this board has made me realise that that strength is a double edged sword for them.

 

As for the pity, I'm still dumbfounded by it and have no idea what to think. It has to be projection, surely?

[Ronni_W]

I have told him in no uncertain terms that its over and the flowers and crap will get him nothing but my pity, but he's not listening.

Turnstone,

Maybe he IS listening...and he is just misinterpreting, or lacking an understanding of, what you mean by the word 'pity'??? I don't know...brains are creative and can twist anything around to suit the desires and agenda of their 'owners'.

 

So. Maybe he's got some whacked-out notion going on in his head that goes something like, "Well, at least she's still feeling something for me! And 'pity' is kinda close to empathy and compassion, isn't it? So maybe if I just keep this act up, I can transform the 'pity' that she's currently feeling for me into compassion...then forgiveness...then love!"

 

To him, you're still feeling something for him and, perhaps, that is all he needs to keep doing what he is doing? Maybe he just doesn't have the emotional fluency to recognize that 'pity' is NOT a good thing?

 

I'd be tempted to tell him that all the flowers and crap KILLED all the 'pity' that you had left, and now there just is nothing at all. No feeling...definitely NO feeling. Just a vague image of Johnny Depp...or whomever is your fave fantasy. That's what I'd try, to be honest.

[turnstone]

misternoname, thank you.

 

Speaking of double edged swords, your post is certainly bitter sweet. Sweet for the encouragement and belief in me, which is wonderful to see at this time, but bitter because that marque, your avatar, is my husband's brand.

 

Ah life.

 

But how to stop contact? I have blocked his numbers, he gets a new number, I shut the door in his face, he leaves the flowers on the step, I return his letters - 'return to sender', he sends more.

 

I shall start looking for a new apartment.

[turnstone]

Turnstone,

Maybe he IS listening...and he is just misinterpreting, or lacking an understanding of, what you mean by the word 'pity'??? I don't know...brains are creative and can twist anything around to suit the desires and agenda of their 'owners'.

 

So. Maybe he's got some whacked-out notion going on in his head that goes something like, "Well, at least she's still feeling something for me! And 'pity' is kinda close to empathy and compassion, isn't it? So maybe if I just keep this act up, I can transform the 'pity' that she's currently feeling for me into compassion...then forgiveness...then love!"

 

To him, you're still feeling something for him and, perhaps, that is all he needs to keep doing what he is doing? Maybe he just doesn't have the emotional fluency to recognize that 'pity' is NOT a good thing?

 

I'd be tempted to tell him that all the flowers and crap KILLED all the 'pity' that you had left, and now there just is nothing at all. No feeling...definitely NO feeling. Just a vague image of Johnny Depp...or whomever is your fave fantasy. That's what I'd try, to be honest.

 

Goodness, you're right. Thank you, that's super advice.

 

Reading further, it would seem that serial adulterers aren't uncommon, that there are certain shared traits and one of them is persistance when finally dumped by their wised up wife. I'm tempted to inform the other woman/women that he's free for them to plunder now in the hope they may distract him.

[misternoname]

Sorry about the moniker but I do love my little screaming German bastard LOL!

 

Not every guy that drives a Porsche is a prick (but I will agree most are!)

 

Your attitude and interpretation of the advice you've received tells me you'll be just fine. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders.

 

Hang in there!

[loveslife]

I'm tempted to inform the other woman/women that he's free for them to plunder now in the hope they may distract him.

 

At the very least one or two of them might turn on him for giving you their contact info.

[turnstone]

Sorry about the moniker but I do love my little screaming German bastard LOL!

 

Not every guy that drives a Porsche is a prick (but I will agree most are!)

 

Your attitude and interpretation of the advice you've received tells me you'll be just fine. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders.

 

Hang in there!

 

Whilst driving a Porsche may earn one the title of prick (I'm not convinced that fits you though), being on the board of directors must have an even better accolade, surely?

 

At the very least one or two of them might turn on him for giving you their contact info.

 

Ha! That's certainly worth thinking about.

[misternoname]

Can't argue with that LOL!

[LakesideDream]

TS, I understand your situation. When the truth of the affairs, and betrayal my ex perpetrated hit me I wanted nothing more to do with her. It was over, divorce was nearly instant. (24 hour State)

 

Happily she didn't "hold on" as there was nothing to hold on to, even after 25 years.

 

I suggest you simply ignore him. Do what you are doing. Block his numbers. Don't speak to him. Take his presents, put them on eBay, put his flowers in a trash basket hopefully where he can see it. Continue to refuse to participate in his maddness/game. It won't be long until he gives up.

 

Sorry it turned out this way.

[Athena]

I feel all my muscles clenching when I see him, my stomach, my fists, my mouth, everything.

Wow, your body KNOWS what's what! See, not only our mind with logical reasoning can Know things, the body Feels things! And yours is in tune.

 

The lack of respect and everything else identified here is what gave me cause to suspect his trustworthiness. His niceties were very much part of controlling me and yes, I see that he's using the same tactics. Or at least trying to.

Yes, he must have a degree in manipulativeness.... usually people who are very diplomatic have this flip side to them as well -- the manipulative side

 

I remember him telling me one of his exes was a 'nice' person and then going on to inform me that I wasn't. He looked at me with curiousity when he said this, like he was examining a specimen for a reaction.

Ugh! Look up Narcissist, Narcissism, and possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your H is full of it! Looking at you to find your Red Buttons, prodding and poking to see how you 'work'... thing is, he's probably so confident that the 'nice, remorseful, Flower giving, begging, pleading' approach will work with you, that it is going to continue for a very, very long time!

 

I can't fathom how other betrayed wives cling to hope, I can understand why, but not how. In many ways I see that they are so much stronger than I could ever hope to be, but reading this board has made me realise that that strength is a double edged sword for them.

Thank you for this. I am one of these 'strong' wives... it did work against me. It allowed me to give him chance after chance, while wearing me down and making me weak.... I should have dumped his sorry arse from the first affair... I WANTED to believe he had made a mistake, I wanted to believe he loved me more than he loved to cheat. Not so I am afraid... and I made 100% sure of this -- he's cheated with 8 different women, over many, many years (he also had cheated on his first wife, but she dumped him the minute he told her of all his affairs).

 

As for the pity, I'm still dumbfounded by it and have no idea what to think. It has to be projection, surely?

Could well be, or else it's one of those words we all have a slightly different take on... for you it could be insulting, for her it could be compassionate... who knows? Who cares? SHE was helping him to betray you! Who gives a $hit what she thinks of you?! Clearly her rationale is all messed up to begin with!

[turnstone]

Ugh! Look up Narcissist, Narcissism, and possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your H is full of it! Looking at you to find your Red Buttons, prodding and poking to see how you 'work'... thing is, he's probably so confident that the 'nice, remorseful, Flower giving, begging, pleading' approach will work with you, that it is going to continue for a very, very long time!

 

Ok, will do.

 

I'm worried about the persistent pleading. Although I'm one hundred percent positive I won't ever give in to it, I'm dreading living with it for much longer.

 

Thank you for this. I am one of these 'strong' wives... it did work against me. It allowed me to give him chance after chance, while wearing me down and making me weak.... I should have dumped his sorry arse from the first affair... I WANTED to believe he had made a mistake, I wanted to believe he loved me more than he loved to cheat. Not so I am afraid... and I made 100% sure of this -- he's cheated with 8 different women, over many, many years (he also had cheated on his first wife, but she dumped him the minute he told her of all his affairs).

It would seem that often (if not always) the most productive, constructive thing to do is the very opposite of what we sometimes instinctively end up doing.

 

I hope your experience will teach you only to recognise the good when it happens and if you haven't already, you will be filing for divorce very soon.

 

Could well be, or else it's one of those words we all have a slightly different take on... for you it could be insulting, for her it could be compassionate... who knows? Who cares? SHE was helping him to betray you! Who gives a $hit what she thinks of you?! Clearly her rationale is all messed up to begin with!

 

Quite right. Although I don't think she meant it with compassion. Last night I looked at his emails and sitting there smugly was an email from little-miss-sincere telling my soon to be ex that it didn't matter that I knew, they could continue seeing each other, she wouldn't pressurize him to leave me.

 

Beggars belief.

 

Checking his emails, just like having anything to do with him, isn't helping me. I'm not sure why I did it last night, maybe as an attempt to gain some level of control back because with him breathing down my neck every minute, I feel I still have none.

 

God I want to hurt him though. I want him to suffer, I want his dick to fall off in miss-compassion's mouth.

 

I'm angry, really, really angry.

[Fallen Angel]

misternoname, thank you.

 

Speaking of double edged swords, your post is certainly bitter sweet. Sweet for the encouragement and belief in me, which is wonderful to see at this time, but bitter because that marque, your avatar, is my husband's brand.

 

Ah life.

 

But how to stop contact? I have blocked his numbers, he gets a new number, I shut the door in his face, he leaves the flowers on the step, I return his letters - 'return to sender', he sends more.

 

I shall start looking for a new apartment.

 

I saw you mentioned earlier thoughts of a restraining order. perhaps you should look into one. Even if you do not actually get one, perhaps the threat of one will work for a time.

 

I would say that you should keep records of his calls, coppies of his letters, take pictures of the "gifts" with a date/time stamp on them. Tell him you are filling for a restraining order and are going to file criminal charges of harrassment and/or stalking if he doesn't cease in his behaviours and unwanted attentions immediately.

 

I would send the threat of pressing criminal charges and a request for No Further Contact in writing. Keep a copy for yourself and send it registered mail so he knows you mean business!

 

And be vocal about his unwanted attentions to people in his social circle. Make sure everyone knows that you have asked him to stop. Perhaps having others know what an a$$ he is making of himself will shame him into leaving you alone.

 

Good Luck!!

[turnstone]

Stay away from me.