My heart breaks.....

[whattodonow12]

I am the OW that has been in a mainly EA with a MM, but we have also been physical. We were friends in college and connected on line almost a year ago. We both have school aged children. I am currently separated from my H, but that just recently happened. He is not aware of the other man in my life. My MM loves his wife, but is not in love with her. He respects her for the type of woman that she is and the mother that she is to his children. We started talking to one another one day and just never stopped. In the beginning, we would spend hours every day talking non-stop. He planned on leaving his wife at the time. He told me that he fell in love with me and was not trying to have his cake and eat it too. We have a connection on many levels emotionally and sexually. It is just not there with our spouses. We both really never had the passion and the chemistry with our spouses that we have with one another. But, we know that sex is only a part of it. The emotional attachment and connection is extremely strong. He told me that he knew that I was the person that he should have been with all of this time.

 

However, he is completely riddled with guilt (as am I, but I am separated now so it is a little different). He decided before we were ever physical and we both talked about it, that eventhough things are very lacking with his wife that it was not enough to leave her over. He didn't want to break his family apart to make himself happier. He felt like his wife has lots of good qualities and didn't deserve what he would be doing to her. That he really owed it to his children to try to make things work. If there were no children involved, then we knew that we would already be together. But, we don't want to tear everyone's lives apart.(that we were being selfish) However, we were already in so deep emotionally with one another that it was so hard. We knew that we couldn't just break ourselves away from one another. We are on opposite sides of the country so we don't have the luxury of seeing each other very often. If we did, I am sure that things would have definitely gotten out of control and brought out into the open. So, we tried the be friends route. That works to a certain extent. However, when we see each other on the video cam, we realize that there is such an incredible attraction to one another, a chemistry, a pull that just takes over. We will try not to talk to one another, but that doesn't last long either. We just keep getting pulled back and feeling guilty.

 

We did have one opportunity to be with one another sexually, and it was so extremely satisfying for us both. It wasn't just because it was new to us. But, that we were so compatible with one another sexually and the emotional and sexual chemistry is just there. But, there was that cloud hanging over us (knowing what we would do to our children and families if we continued) We are so frightened of what it would be like to be together again, that we avoid any opportunities that may bring us physically closer to one another. That having that interaction again would make it just that much harder to stop.

 

How do I get over this? How do I stop loving someone? We both have said that it would be different when our children are older. I am actually separated from my husband because of his temper. I think that the lack of relationship I had there definitely opened me up to this opportunity, and I was just completely swept in. My MM wants to make things work with his wife for the sake of the family in general and his children. And, he hasn't said, but I am sure that the financial end of it to would be difficult to manage from what I gather. But, he fills like his pull to me, his attraction to me is like an addiction. He told me that as horrible as it sounds that he knows what a drug addict feels like because that is how he feels about me. It is just all of those ways that we connect to one another.

 

I feel lost. I know that he wants to try and work on things with his wife for the sake of his family. I was trying to do the same thing for a while myself. We both knew this before we were together the one time sexually, but when we saw each other we just couldn't stop. We agreed that would be it. Our locations make that part a little easier. It is just the emotional part... the guilt of having an affair... the lying.. the cheating. We both feel it, but still have that connection and can't seem to shake it.

 

I don't know what to do to get beyond this. And, thanks for reading. I know that this is long and I am rambling. Your advice and insight is appreciated. I have never posted on a forum like this. So, I do hope that I am not just ripped to shreds. I know that I am in the wrong. (that we both were)

[bentnotbroken]

Tell his wife, that should help you both out, but especially her.

[whattodonow12]

I haven't told his wife, but she supposedly got an email from someone that said that they thought we were having an affair. I didn't contact her, at all. But, she sent me an email stating that her husband told her everything. He didn't tell her the truth. He went into survival mode and lied. She believes that I am the one that just continually "tried" to draw him into an affair, but it didn't work because he is so devoted to her. From my standpoint, I am going to make every effort to not have any contact. MM and I talked, and he pretty much told her that I wanted something, but he didn't. He lied and told her that we had not had an affair. He pretty much used me as a cover for himself. In her email to me (she thinks I sent her an email to stir trouble), she just stated that I was pathetic in my attempts to draw him into an affair... that he only had pity for me... I am a unfit mother that needs mental health counseling... and that she is worried for the safety of my children. It was full of venom for me, for sure. I understand that she is pretty angry, and you can't blame her for that, by no means. But, she is fairly still in the dark if she believes him. If I did say anything else to her, she may not believe me anyway. (not that I plan to do so). I have dont' know if it would serve any purpose.

[jwi71]

I would use this to move forward.

 

When push came to shove this "love" threw you under the bus and showed even more of his character. And lets look at a few traits we KNOW:

 

1) He is willing to violate a vow made to his W and (presumably) God.

2) He is willing to abandon your "relationship" when he NEEDS to.

3) He lies to his W.

4) He lies to you.

5) He's a coward.

 

This is all tried and true. Oh...don't worry...he'll be back. When it suits him. And he'll say he did and said those things to "perserve the harmony in the home for his kids". Riiiiiight. He painted you as some crazy stalker chick because it SAVED his M. The one he desperately wants to keep. At least, that's what his ACTIONS say.

 

And you want to know how to forget the man who treats you like this? I would think that would be the EASY part....

[whattodonow12]

Thank you for your comments. They do make perfect sense. I have had so many things running through my mind. I just want to get through this. I appreciate the insight without insult.

[delirious]

What to do, welcome to LS, and to others who more than understand what you feel, ignore the 'you shall burn in hell' brigade. There are others here who perfectly understand how you feel. I thought it would never happen to me. It is painful, it does hurt. We know. Sorry no advice at the moment, but know exactly how you feel and hope that helps.

[EnigmaXOXO]

MM and I talked, and he pretty much told her that I wanted something, but he didn't. He lied and told her that we had not had an affair. He pretty much used me as a cover for himself.

 

And you don’t find his denial of his feelings towards you or his down-playing of your relationship the least bit insulting or belittling (???)

 

Next... if and when his wife discovers the truth, you’ll be downgraded from “the one he should have been with” to just another one of his “mistakes.”

 

If I were you, I’d stop trying to make excuses for the way this guy has been manipulating both of you ladies. Don’t try to over-romanticize the situation or rewrite him as some kind of noble family-man hero. You’ll recover from the disappointment of him much quicker that way... all the wiser the next time around from having gone through it.

[jennie-jennie]

What to do, welcome to LS, and to others who more than understand what you feel, ignore the 'you shall burn in hell' brigade. There are others here who perfectly understand how you feel. I thought it would never happen to me. It is painful, it does hurt. We know. Sorry no advice at the moment, but know exactly how you feel and hope that helps.

 

Whattodo, delirious is right, ignore the "you shall burn in hell" brigade. They love fresh meat.

 

I am the OW that has been in a mainly EA with a MM, but we have also been physical. We were friends in college and connected on line almost a year ago. We both have school aged children. I am currently separated from my H, but that just recently happened. He is not aware of the other man in my life. My MM loves his wife, but is not in love with her. He respects her for the type of woman that she is and the mother that she is to his children. We started talking to one another one day and just never stopped. In the beginning, we would spend hours every day talking non-stop. He planned on leaving his wife at the time. He told me that he fell in love with me and was not trying to have his cake and eat it too. We have a connection on many levels emotionally and sexually. It is just not there with our spouses. We both really never had the passion and the chemistry with our spouses that we have with one another. But, we know that sex is only a part of it. The emotional attachment and connection is extremely strong. He told me that he knew that I was the person that he should have been with all of this time.

 

However, he is completely riddled with guilt (as am I, but I am separated now so it is a little different). He decided before we were ever physical and we both talked about it, that eventhough things are very lacking with his wife that it was not enough to leave her over. He didn't want to break his family apart to make himself happier. He felt like his wife has lots of good qualities and didn't deserve what he would be doing to her. That he really owed it to his children to try to make things work. If there were no children involved, then we knew that we would already be together. But, we don't want to tear everyone's lives apart.(that we were being selfish) However, we were already in so deep emotionally with one another that it was so hard. We knew that we couldn't just break ourselves away from one another. We are on opposite sides of the country so we don't have the luxury of seeing each other very often. If we did, I am sure that things would have definitely gotten out of control and brought out into the open. So, we tried the be friends route. That works to a certain extent. However, when we see each other on the video cam, we realize that there is such an incredible attraction to one another, a chemistry, a pull that just takes over. We will try not to talk to one another, but that doesn't last long either. We just keep getting pulled back and feeling guilty.

 

We did have one opportunity to be with one another sexually, and it was so extremely satisfying for us both. It wasn't just because it was new to us. But, that we were so compatible with one another sexually and the emotional and sexual chemistry is just there. But, there was that cloud hanging over us (knowing what we would do to our children and families if we continued) We are so frightened of what it would be like to be together again, that we avoid any opportunities that may bring us physically closer to one another. That having that interaction again would make it just that much harder to stop.

 

How do I get over this? How do I stop loving someone? We both have said that it would be different when our children are older. I am actually separated from my husband because of his temper. I think that the lack of relationship I had there definitely opened me up to this opportunity, and I was just completely swept in. My MM wants to make things work with his wife for the sake of the family in general and his children. And, he hasn't said, but I am sure that the financial end of it to would be difficult to manage from what I gather. But, he fills like his pull to me, his attraction to me is like an addiction. He told me that as horrible as it sounds that he knows what a drug addict feels like because that is how he feels about me. It is just all of those ways that we connect to one another.

 

I feel lost. I know that he wants to try and work on things with his wife for the sake of his family. I was trying to do the same thing for a while myself. We both knew this before we were together the one time sexually, but when we saw each other we just couldn't stop. We agreed that would be it. Our locations make that part a little easier. It is just the emotional part... the guilt of having an affair... the lying.. the cheating. We both feel it, but still have that connection and can't seem to shake it.

 

I don't know what to do to get beyond this. And, thanks for reading. I know that this is long and I am rambling. Your advice and insight is appreciated. I have never posted on a forum like this. So, I do hope that I am not just ripped to shreds. I know that I am in the wrong. (that we both were)

 

I could have written this, down to the husband/SO with bad temper. The only thing that separates us is that I am an unapologetic other woman. I feel I have not done anything wrong. I fell in love with a man, that is all. Those emotions are overpowering.

 

Like you, my love is from my past. My emotions of love for him came to be when he was single. He had the key to the backdoor of my heart. I gave it to him when I was 15.

 

Breathe. What is happening right now? Why do you want to go into NC? Is it you or him pushing for NC? I can tell you I would not be doing NC right now if I was not forced to by my MM's determination. That is how tough it is.

 

The reaction of your MM to save his marriage by throwing you under the bus is completely natural. All it means is that he, at least for the time being, is not prepared to sacrifice his marriage. It really says nothing about how he feels for you or what kind of person he is. I believe you know yourself if he is a good person or not.

 

I wish you luck and hope to see you post some more.

[jennie-jennie]

1) He is willing to violate a vow made to his W and (presumably) God.

It is not possible to promise anything when it comes to emotions of love.

 

2) He is willing to abandon your "relationship" when he NEEDS to.

Do you feel he has abandoned your relationship? The fact that he saved his marriage does not say anything about whether he abandoned your relationship or not. "Survival mode" is a fitting term.

 

3) He lies to his W.

True.

 

4) He lies to you.

I don't think so. My MM does not.

 

5) He's a coward.

I am inclined to agree with that. A coward for not facing the fact that he should divorce his wife since he has fallen passionately in love with another woman.

[jennie-jennie]

I read in my thread that you felt humiliated and embarrassed. That might imply a different answer to point number two above.

 

Hugs to you from me.

[Lauriebell82]

The reaction of your MM to save his marriage by throwing you under the bus is completely natural. All it means is that he, at least for the time being, is not prepared to sacrifice his marriage. It really says nothing about how he feels for you or what kind of person he is. I believe you know yourself if he is a good person or not.

 

I disagree. I know you are an OW jennie, so I totally understand your perspective on this. I think the OP already knows what kind of person he is, but is so blinded by the chemistry that she can't see it. But honestly, if he isn't ready to sacrifice his marriage then where does that leave you whattodonow? Scared, confused, frustrated...

 

If the man TRUELY cared about you he would not want you to feel any of those things, married or not.

[fooled once]

You can live without him.

 

You lived without him before.

 

I understand you are hurting.

 

He has already lied to his wife and threw you under the bus. He should have been honest with his wife in that he did / does have feelings for you. He should have OWNED it.

 

He didn't.

 

Instead, he told her you are pursing him. You can image how you would feel if you found out your spouse was being pursued by some woman. It would infuriate you. So you can put yourself in her shoes and realize she is full on venom with you because HE didn't tell the truth.

 

So you know he is lying --- but is he lying to you too?

 

Stop video caming with him.

 

Stop responding to emails and calls.

 

He sure isn't looking out for you; so you need to look out for yourself.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[whattodonow12]

We spoke today in regard to this email that supposedly outed us. I did not send it, and it doesn't appear to come from anyone that I know.(after tracing the IP address). I think that his wife suspected and bluffed him, but he doesn't think so. It really doesn't matter anyway. I stated that this just forced us to do the right thing and not continue any longer. I did tell him that I was concerned about how his wife my react to me.... thinking that I am some pursuing crazy person and the only one "responsible." He told me that he told her that he wasn't that cut and dried (with it falling just on me). At this point, I am not sure it matters. She will believe what she believes, and they will have to deal with it. I am not the kind of person that would out him and give her details as to exactly what we have done. I just need to strength to move on and just see what happens from here I guess with my own life.... sad as it may be.

[2sure]

Think of the amount of lies, the begging, the convincing he must have had to do when his wife confronted him with what he has done.

 

A BS always has the inclination to first and foremost blame their own spouse. Who wouldnt? Thats if they dont throw them out the door completely before they begin with all their throwing OW under the bus, saying she is crazy, saying he wanted nothing to do with her. I mean, its a real effort, especially because unhappy or not - she knows him well. She knows the truth when she sees it as well as knows when there is much left out. He vowed his life and his love to her all over again.

 

So, so far...MM has told you repeatedly that he will not leave his wife. He wants to stay married for whatever reasons.AND he has clearly told his wife horrible things about you all to deflect her anger from him. Only part of her believes any of this.

 

Yet you...you believe it all. Because hey...you connect and you banged him once.If you read through most of the Infidelity stories on here you will find that most OW hooking up with MM are at vulnerable points in their lives....its a required element because most strong independent women dont buy this for a moment. So, now he has you and he has wife both snowed...because ...what? why? Its easier to make two women miserable than inconvenience himself.

[whattodonow12]

2Sure, no, I don't believe it all because I banged him once as you say. There is more to it than that, after all. However, I do realize that he is lying... lying to his wife.. lying to me about who knows what. And, I am sure that there is a part of her that only believes part of it, if any. If she didn't, she would be a stupid woman and I don't believe that she is. I realize that is something that she would not want to portray to me as the OW.(the fact that she didn't believe some of the things he is telling her) I am sure that she wants to hold on to her family. But, I am not snowed by any means. Like I said, I am just looking for the strength to move on in my life and make it better... see what happens in my life.

[Island Girl]

She believes that I am the one that just continually "tried" to draw him into an affair, but it didn't work because he is so devoted to her.

 

Of course she believes this because that is what he told her while he was busy throwing you under the bus.

 

From my standpoint, I am going to make every effort to not have any contact. MM and I talked, and he pretty much told her that I wanted something, but he didn't. He lied and told her that we had not had an affair. He pretty much used me as a cover for himself.

 

You should be really angry that he lied about you to begin with but even so - he lied to such an extent that she now believes you are an unfit mother and have mental problems.

 

I'd be livid that someone discredited me that way I don't care who they are or what our relationship is!

 

I wouldn't want contact if I were you. I'd be disgusted by him.

[jwi71]

1) He is willing to violate a vow made to his W and (presumably) God.

It is not possible to promise anything when it comes to emotions of love.

 

I disagree. To keep it short, I made a vow before family and God. I would never break that. Nor have I...and yes, more opportunities than most. And what does this say about ones R anyway...I love you but I dont trust my heart or yours enough to get married...this way when one leaves the other its "easier". Romance never dies I guess.

 

2) He is willing to abandon your "relationship" when he NEEDS to.

Do you feel he has abandoned your relationship? The fact that he saved his marriage does not say anything about whether he abandoned your relationship or not. "Survival mode" is a fitting term.

H threw her under the bus. How can anyone paint that as a "maybe its not so bad". Uh...he basically called her a crazy psycho chick...I would be mad as hell.

 

3) He lies to his W.

True.

Thats a given.

 

4) He lies to you.

I don't think so. My MM does not.

Actually, he does lie to her. How does one reconcile what he tells whattodo with what he DID? What he says about his M and the lengths he went to to save...speak volumes. And I tend to believe one's actions over words (words are so easily lies...actions, less so).

 

5) He's a coward.

I am inclined to agree with that. A coward for not facing the fact that he should divorce his wife since he has fallen passionately in love with another woman.

And here is the gotcha. He doesn't WANT to divorce his W. He's happy at home. Don't listen to him...watch what he does. He wanted an A...not a D. And he is going through incredible lengths to stay M.

[whattodonow12]

Honestly, I am completely disgusted by myself. I am disgusted that I let myself get into a situation like this. I did believe certain things, and I let it pull me back continually.... believing we could be still friends.. originally believing that he was in a bad marriage and was starting to divorce... I was nothing but honest with him, and when I say, honest, I mean completely about everything. I was separating from my husband, and I was completely honest about all of that.

 

Because of what his wife thinks, part of me wants to tell her everything at this point. But, I am sure that she wouldn't believe it anyway, and I am not sure what the point would be. If she is an intelligent woman, I am sure that she will figure it out. So, if anyone has any insight there, please let me know. I read the other thread about telling everything to the WS, but just not sure. I feel as if my emotions are in overload, and I don't want to do anything that will cause additional hurts for his family.

[2sure]

Your right - his wife already knows and the rest is easy enough to figure out. No need for you to call her.

 

What may sound to you right now is US reiterating what you already know...that it was wrong, that you were deceived, that you participated and also deceived....

 

Is really just another way of helping you process this and move on.

SEE the error, in detail. GET Mad at him and yourself. See him as he really is, not what both you and he portrayed him to be. Forgive yourself. Learn something. Slap yourself in the head, say WTF was I thinking....

 

And move on.

 

Its a process and you are doing it.

[whattodonow12]

Thanks for the candid comments. I do appreciate it. I really do. I just want the pain to go away. I am sure that I need to read further at some other posts. I am sure that they are probably spot on. But, I do wonder what is going through his mind right now... what is going through her mind right now? Is she really stupid enough to believe what he is telling her?

[whattodonow12]

And, oh, I find the Martyr post to be quite interesting. I see a lot of him in that.

[LakesideDream]

Thanks for the candid comments. I do appreciate it. I really do. I just want the pain to go away. I am sure that I need to read further at some other posts. I am sure that they are probably spot on. But, I do wonder what is going through his mind right now... what is going through her mind right now? Is she really stupid enough to believe what he is telling her?

 

 

wtdn, I hope for your sake that the pain you are feeling does go away. I know how it feels. It's hell.

 

More likely as time goes on the pain will begin to fade. That's how it worked for me. It's kinda like a sore, scabs over, you bump it, it bleeds again and hurts like hell.

 

The idea is that someday the scab falls off and there's a scar underneath. I've been healing for 7 years now, still in the scab stage. I'll let you know when it turns into a scar.

[HappyAtLast]

The reaction of your MM to save his marriage by throwing you under the bus is completely natural. All it means is that he, at least for the time being, is not prepared to sacrifice his marriage. It really says nothing about how he feels for you or what kind of person he is. QUOTE]

 

No, the above is not how a real man acts when confronted about his affair. He protects the woman he loves and does not cause her any pain or discomfort.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think anything other than that.

[HappyAtLast]

Just read the rest of the posts. Glad to see that you are trying to distance yourself from the situation. Please don't waste any time trying to figure out what his wife is or is not stupid enough to believe. Focus on getting yourself out of this unhealthy situation.

[datura_noir]

You have to go through the pain; it's the only way. There is no going around it. Use this time to delve into yourself and face the uncomfortable aspects of you. We all have to, it's a given. Some choose to self-medicate, with booze, drugs or sex, but that is the avoidance demon coming out.

 

Someday, this slice of your life will be just a scar that has healed, and you will hopefully be in a great place. Scratch that, you WILL be in a better place!