adamt Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It's been 4 months since i was dumped. I am 38, we went out for 3 years and always thought she was the one i would settle down with. The break up hit me hard. My head was all over and i kept breqaking down. I took a lot of advice of friends and family and off forums like this one. I finally feel I am moving on. Not spoke to the ex or bumped into her since the split. Is there a magic formula? No. Can you do things to help move on quicker? Yes. What advice would i give? 1) the day you break up. Tell the ex how you feel and you will fix things. Make sure they know exactly how you feel. If they don't want to give it another go then let them go. Accept their decision. 2) Do not contact them. either direct or through 3rd parties. Your head will be all over the place and you can not think straight so do not do anything that will make the situation worse 3) if you get the urge to contact the ex then call a friend or family or post on here. Keep tellling yourself they have gone for good 4) You will be hurting and any contact with the ex will result in your heart ruling your head. You will mess any chance up. 5) After a few weeks start to find hobbies and interests to fill your time. Join a gym, hammer the gym to take all your pain. take up swimming, borrow someones dog to go hiking with, go cycling. Take up some new hobbies. 6) Use the gym to get into shape,focus on yourself and eat healthy with it. 7) Try to get out of the house as much as possible and get as busy as possible 8) Read books before going to bed to help you sleep and not think about the ex just before bed time. You will be going through a period of not sleeping much. 9) keep booze to a minimum. it will give you a temporary high but then you will feel depressed again. Also you may do something stupid like contact the ex. 10) catch up with old friends, if you want to talk about the ex then don't be afraid to talk about her with people. 11) for the first 2-3 months you may break down over things that remind you of your ex. 12) After 1-2 months, the mist begins to clear and you start to get your emotions under control. you begin to think straight 13) If after 2 months you are still going to the gym and eating healthy you will have lost weight,got fitter and toned up. This will start rebuild your self confidence 14) after 2 months think about going on trips,short break with friends. 15) after 3-4 months of NC and keeping yourself busy you will have learnt to keep the feelings of your ex at the back of your mind. Think about the relationship, what you did wrong and what the ex did wrong. then remember that for the next relationship 16) after 4 months you may start to look at other people and consider starting to date again 17) do not rush and panic into thinking you must find someone new. Don't start looking until you feel ready. It will only create more hurt. Just focus on yourself and fixing yourself. There is no rush to find someone else. Focus on doing things that make you happy. People wil notice you are happy and that can helpto attract someone new 18) You have to want to move on. Push yourself outside your comfort zone. it is hard at first but every little step helps. It is a long process. 19) make medium term goals to focus on. 20) You will meet someone else in time. A good chance they have been through what you have been through. 21) Remember you have your health and can take control of your own life. There are people in a lot worse position. 22) People break up all the time and they always find someone else. 23) You will have up and down days. But hang in there, you are slowly improving each day. 24) Buy new clothes. If you have been going to the gym and eating healthy you wil have to do this anyway 25) block or unfriend them on social network websites. Remove the tempation to check on them I'm 4 months on, miss my ex, but put all thoughts of her are in the back of my mind. I've got used to being single now. In the process of joining a dating website and feeling excited about hopefully meeting new people. I am not expecting to meet my next long term partner straight away but just aiming to get back out there and see how it goes. I'm currently in great shape. never been this fit,even at 38. My confidence is returning. And i've picked up some new hobbies along the way. It feels like i have been in a washing machine for 4 months and the final spin is coming to an end. Will the ex come back? Unlikely but if she did I am a lot stronger now and will be in a positon to deal with it with my head rather than my heart.
rp123 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Great post. Great advice. Just wish I could implement it! After 13 days of NC, I'm really feeling it. Been so near to breaking so may times..........
Author adamt Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 13 days is only early days. get through the first month and it will gradually get better. To stop yourself contacting them think of the rejection you will felt when they broke up with you. Stay strong. if you get the urge to contact them then ring up a friend and talk to them about it. just gradually push yourself to do activies and keep as busy as possible. good luck
earner Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Excellent post Adamt, im glad to hear you are getting there, its been 4.5 months for me now too and I can finally see the light at the end of tunnel - there has been some very bad times though and I never wanna go back there again !
Author adamt Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 There is hope for everyone to heal and move on. The key is to work on yourself and stay busy and try new things. i look back to the first 2-3 weeks and i could barely talk about her without breaking down. I would break down at work and was in a daze for 2 weeks and couldnt focus on my work. I would cry driving home from work because it would build up during the day. Things would remind me of the ex and i would struggle to hold back the tears. I was sleeping for 4 hours a day for 2 months. Yeah, i still have my moments. But i'm hell of a lot better. You learn to deal with it and put things to the back of your mind and leave them there. I'm at the point where i wont let my ex control my thoughts anymore and i'm feeling ready to test the water and see who is outthere. I've got an appetite to try new things atleast once. we only live once. It is a long hard process but if you really want to move on you can and will as long as you stick at it. Good luck
angelface78 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I am at 3 months NC...trying hard. I am glad you are getting better. I still have bad days when i want to breakdown. Hes always on my mind...but i will keep going. You inspire me!!!
Author adamt Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Just keep at it and it will get better. keep busy. Went away with friends for the weekend and had a great time, i didnt really miss her or wish she was with me, although i still think about her and wonder what she is upto. been looking at some of our old photos tonight and i do feel my feelings are not quite as strong anymore. although I felt a little sad because we had some good trips. but circumstances became difficult and she changed. You just got to think that things just were never meant to be and there is someone better around the corner. Just got to make the effort because it does not arrive on a plate. I'm just waiting for my friend to write me a profile on a dating website. Gonna chuck myself in at the deep end and see how i do.
jessicasilver Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 wow ur post is great i enjoyed reading it everything you have said is so true !!! im so glad your healing, soon you will be so over it !!! i failed to accept the break up the first time round and begged my ex to come back... i know big mistake! but the second time round i kept myself busy, learned to love myself again and didnt contact him now his contacting me... but its too late
Author adamt Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 glad you liked it jessicasilver, hopefully it it can help you and anyone else that little bit more. I've come along way in 4 months. when i got dumped it felt my world had ended and been turned upside down and i felt lost with no purpose in life. I could not believe we were over as i felt i had found the one for me and we would never split up. all my plans had gone out the window. i know i could have done some things different. but in return she didnt communicate things. I did stuff like a surprise trip to rome one valentines weekend. I felt i would never get over her. I did the usual, couldn't sleep or eat. How could this happen to me when i felt so happy before teh split. she was even talking of buying a house together 2 months before the split. Now i am starting to feel she just isnt worth it anymore.Why let my life stop for someone who doesnt want to work things out and the feels it is easier to be selfish and walk away. Do you really want to be with someone who can be so cold so easily? I've not contacted her so there is no way i can have made it worse. i can think clearly now, got my emotions under control. Discovered what i enjoy doing,got new hobbies, got fit. basically it is your turn to be selfish! Being positive and feeling happy in yourself will help to find someone else. Who wants to go out and talk to someone who does not have a smile on their face ande looks down. New hobbies and interests will give you something to talk about when you meet someone else. Dont contact them, dont give them the satisfaction of knowing you still have feelings for them. Let them wonder about you. If you told them exactly how you felt at the time you broke up then nothing more will change things. It has to be them to want to come back without any pressure to make it work. If we ever bump into each other then reconnect then so be it, but it is not something i am banking on or trying to create that opportunity. The ex does feel like a distant memory of a relationship that lasted a lot less than the 3 years it did. In 4 months i have gone through a very hard break up which most people on here have gone through. If you want to begin to move on then you can do. But it is not easy and takes a lot of hard work and focusing on yourself.Don't give up. if you can manage 1 week of NC then you can manage 2 weeks, then 4 weeks..etc
angelface78 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Dont contact them, dont give them the satisfaction of knowing you still have feelings for them. Let them wonder about you. If you told them exactly how you felt at the time you broke up then nothing more will change things. It has to be them to want to come back without any pressure to make it work. If we ever bump into each other then reconnect then so be it, but it is not something i am banking on or trying to create that opportunity. . I like this part!! Its hard to do...but ive been on it for 3 months. 3 months of NC and its been hell!!!
qwest Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 first of all hi everyone! this is my first post. ive read the previous posts. i still dont know what NC means. but anyway.... i had a SERIOUS 6 month after she left me. but everything is person-specific... rather soul-specific! some thoughts: 1: you MUST know yourself before going into a relationship. in my opinion most of emotional "storms" come 'cos one doesnt know himself/herself. 2: do not ever talk to anybody about her/him. forget them. no talking. no calling. no texting.... nothing... take it like this: he/she is not part of your life and never was 3: you must be drastic. there is NO other way to do it. it act. speeds up the healing process. 4: never stay alone. 5: ZERO drinking. dont destroy yourself... build yourself stronger! 6: in case you cannot stop thinking think this: they lost you you didnt loose anything! 7: once again: you MUST be drastic. this kind of emotional shocks can literally destroy you. you MUST win! its a fight but everyone can win! 8: NOBODY can help you! nobody can live your life, feel your feelings, understand your pain 100%! nobody! this is why you shouldnt even talk to anybody about it. itll just confuse you! one says this... other says that... you dont need it. YOU must control yourself! 8: and finally: never give up! never! No1: you can do it! No2: there is always (!) somebody out there for YOU!
Author adamt Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Just an update... Going to meet up with the girl i met on the website.(seen a couple of pictures of her so she is not called Dave in a prison!lol!) She asked if i fancied meeting up. So i thought why not, nothing to lose. We have quite a bit in common. All the hard work over the last few months of sorting myself out, taking up hobbies, getting into shape and rebuilding my confidence is now paying off. I've also started to notice in clubs that i get noticed by women. Maybe it is a 6th sense they have! live life with a smile on your face! Don't give up on wanting to move on and don't feel you have to rush into finding someone else. Just get out there and do things you enjoy and get back to being a happy confident person. Then that will attract people Edited October 26, 2009 by adamt
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