dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 This is not easy for me to post about, and is taking a lot of courage, so please, if you are just going to be nasty - don't reply. I know it's an open forum and what not, but I'm having a really hard day, and am close to tears. My date started out awesome as always. I came to his house, he had burgers cooking for us and fries. He got into the shower and we head off to play poker at a bar. We were going to try and be there early so I could sit next to him (I'm still learning texas hold'em). THere was only one spot open and a few tables full of people I didn't know. My anxiety started rising. I told A to take the seat and I just wanted to watch Monday night football. He keep pushing for me to play (becuz I've been very excited about this all weekend). Eventually spots opened up, so he had me come watch. During the 15 minute break, I (for the first time) brought up my anxiety disorder. (Which by the way I've been keeping under control wonderfully all on my own, until tonight). I don't normally bring up my AD - but since I could feel it rising, and I didn't want him thinking I was upset with him, I let him know. After a few hours I was feeling back to par. I was shooting pool with people he knew while he was finishing. That's when my attack must have hit me full force, because I don't remember anything til we were at his house. When I have a full blown anxiety attack, I block a lot out. Probably because I'm shamed of my AD. If any of you have had a full blown panic attack, then I'm sure you understand. I would have stopped drinking, but I was feeling a lot better, so I just went on with it. Honestly, I had like four drinks, I can handle my liquor beyond that with no issue. Anyways so flash forward to what I remember next. Me sitting on his steps clutching my bag (I had cloths to change into). Him telling me that this is all too much and it's over. I didn't think he should be driving as far as my place even to just drop me off, because he'd been drinking. I didn't want to get back into the jeep with him. It was also too late to be going on the metro alone. All I can figure is I must have said something when I was having my AA. Sometimes when I have one, my fear takes over and I say some dumb or mean ****, feeling as though I'm sticking up for myself. Then flash forward (missing some parts) I was up stairs, he was down in the garage. My wrist is bleeding, bleeding really good. Now before you get ready to make a comment, I've never cut myself before. I am scared of needles for God Sakes. I could be drunk off my arse, and still freak out over the idea of getting a tattoo. Also before you think of the next comment, I love my life and I don't want to die. I *think* I was trying to distract the hard fears with pain. The gash was a good one - in the sense that A felt the need to call the hospital. And of course that brought on the hospital. That just added my anxiety. I've had some bad experiences in hospitals. So a lot of the ride and hospital stay is fuzzy. My arm in pain, and freaking about going to the hospital. I was crying and shaking. I've never felt such a horrible attack in my life. I think part of it is my woman friend is due in a week, so that added wacko hormones into the mix, and obviously the few drinks I had. They gave me a larazapam to calm me, wrapped up my arm, and I had to wait for someone from mental health seeing how I was being a crazy head case. I finally got discharged 9 this morning. I tried and tried to get a hold of someone for a ride. A turn his phone off after I tried talking to him when I woke up from my sleepy pill. He asked me if I was happy with myself. I tried to explain how fuzzy everyone was, and that I wanted to know what happened. He used the term crazy and me in the same sentence. Hell I'd probably say the same if I was looking at me having the worst AA ever. I feel ashamed, stupid, scared, and worried. He hasn't called, texted, or emailed to see how I was doing. Some how in all the commotion - he has some of the clothes had for changing. Some how I wore his nice hoodie that I was using for a jacket last night when we got a strange cold front. Thankfully the Doctor have me a script for medicine that I can take on as needed basis. Although it will make me pass out 30 minutes later. Also a sheet full of low cost therapy. He hasn't axed me off the social networks we're friends on. I don't even know what to say to him. It's hard for me to even say all this here. Nothing he did started my anxiety. Things have been awesome between us. I was talking to my mom this morning, letting her know I was okay, and sharing the story (she's familiar with my AD, and has been around when I've had a few bad attacks). She told me to rest today, not to over stress about it all. She told me that if I don't hear from him by tomorrow, I should send him an email, trying to explain my AD and what not, and also to get the empty spots filled in so I can know what I'm doing when I'm having an attack, to better handle it when/if it happens again. She also seems to think he decided to hang on to some of my stuff because he wants to wait for things to calm down and have a reason to talk to me. Why couldn't I control it like most other times? Okay, lets have it. I'm ready for it.
Kamille Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 ((Dreamergrl)) I really don't have much to say. Just take care of yourself today, make sure you're okay. And I'm sorry he reacted the way he did. I agree with your mom. Give him a few days and then get in touch with him. In the meantime, rest and do stuff that makes you feel good. (You know me... Of course what I would do in your shoe is hit the gym for a mellow session tomorow morning...)
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh, love, I'm so sorry to hear this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. ((hugs)) Sweatheart.
GorillaTheater Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sorry Dreamer. No advice other than tell you I feel badly that you went through this. Hugs, kid.
anne1707 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Dreamer You're certainly not going to "get it" from me. I along with everybody else on here will be first of all glad that you home and safe. You look after yourself and rest first and foremost. As for your AA - do you think that maybe with all the excitement/tension/nerves of meeting someone you really liked possibly made you more susceptible to an attack? Only theorising here but just an idea. However the fact is that it has happened and you are understandably upset and confused - especially as you have so much unexplained time. I think what your mum has suggested is right. Give it a couple of days and if he has not been in touch then email him and explain your AD. It would obviously be of benefit to your peace of mind to fill in those blanks too. If he is what you have been hoping, then there is a chance for you (depending on what happened). However if he has no interest whatsoever just because of your AD, then you deserve better. Look after yourself
Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh, sweetie, I'm so very sorry you had that awful experience. (I don't say this with irony or in a patronizing tone... I truly, sincerely mean it.) Kamille, I think, is right. Give the guy a few days. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 awe... i am sorry A was probably just freaked out is all, first this is the First he's heard about your AD, second you told him in public where you couldn't really talk with him intimately and at length about it, and third you tell him and then you have a pretty intense attack- it's not like you just were ill and sick- plus you do not yet remember what all happened, and lastly you were bleeding from your wrist..... not that you were trying to harm yourself- but does A know that? i think he did the right thing by taking you to the ER, he didn't know what to do and it is best to err on the side of caution. rest up, let the dust settle, he (i would think) contact you to see if you are ok, and just take it from there... no pressure on you, be yourself AD and all. do not be ashamed or get down on yourself, this crap happens- there are many people with Anxiety in all forms and varying degrees (my husband just started having panic attacks this spring). look on the bright side- at least you didn't poop your pants! i hope all goes well and you are doing ok.
JohnP82 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Wow, sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better and it all works out.
northstar1 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 DG - I won't add much here other than please rest, and take care of yourself. You're strong kiddo, you'll be back on your feet and kicking $ss in no time.
EricaH329 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh my goodness!! Thankfully you are alright!! I know this story all too well. I used to have extremely bad panic attacks, to the point where I locked myself in my house for a month straight!! I know the humiliation and fear you go through while having them. Have you been put on medicine for it before? If not, it's good that you have it now. Some attacks are worse than others. Some you just can't talk yourself out of. I know that when I would be in a public place, there was no talking myself out of it. I had to separate myself from the situation altogether. I think with therapy, and the medicine, you'll be able to get back to normal again. I feel your pain. But it is nothing to be ashamed of. When I had my attacks I would also black out. Stay strong! You will get through this!!
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh wow, I am so, so sorry to hear this - it isn't your fault, it is a medical issue, so don't beat yourself up about anything that you did or didn't do...I bet he is just shocked and it is a lot to take in, plus if he is really into you, it might have been a big blow for him to think oh no, this can't continue because I can't handle this, or y'know, just doesn't understand it, so he can't process it and wants to just not deal with it... Maybe the best thing would be to ask him to tell you exactly what happened so you don't have to worry about the not knowing/filling in the blanks? Anyway sooo sorry to hear about all of this - poor you...
Author dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks everyone. I couldn't stop the tears in the hospital, and I'm barely holding them back now. I know it's only been a week and a half, but I don't want this to muck up stuff. How many would actually give me a second chance after this, so soon into the dating. Probably none.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 My ex-SIL used to get panic attacks and they sounded incredibly frightening. You're not alone, dreamer, and have nothing to be ashamed of. At this point, focus on you and feeling okay about yourself. His perceptions and feelings are immaterial, right now. You've already explained that you had AD to him, so it's up to him to process what happened. More ((hugs)).
Author dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I know I should have brought it up in a non public place but it just happened and I wanted to let him know just in case. He didn't take me to the ER, he called 911 and had an ambulance come. He does know about the bleeding wrist. Thankfully it wasn't deep enough for stitches, and is closing up well, although I think there will be a light scar, and ugh people are gonna look at my wrapped wrist and gawk. At least I have the wrist brace, and a doctors note to have work keep it like for 3 or 4 days. One thing I did find out, was it was a butter knife. So yeah, obviously I wasn't trying to off myself. I think, this is just an assumption, that I was trying to turn the mental pain into physical pain as a last resort. I keep thinking about how should I have been able to control it, we'd have had a nice pleasant night. Instead, I get an attack, and I'm just I was very self defensive when I had it (like I need to protect myself, even though he had done nothing wrong). My guess is he got offended, and took it to heart. All I wanted to was just lie in his arms and calm down. I always feel good with him, and when he cuddles me, it's wonderful.
Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 How many would actually give me a second chance after this, so soon into the dating.I would. In a heartbeat. I imagine your date will too.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 My ex-SIL used to get panic attacks and they sounded incredibly frightening. You're not alone, dreamer, and have nothing to be ashamed of. At this point, focus on you and feeling okay about yourself. His perceptions and feelings are immaterial, right now. You've already explained that you had AD to him, so it's up to him to process what happened. More ((hugs)). Aww TBF, I know I need to make me okay, but I can't help thinking about how I hurt someone while having my AA. I don't think he understand the concept of a full blown AA. Any one here ever had to explain it to someone, and how did you do it?
2sure Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Dreamer, An anxiety attack always makes us drink more. And drinking more makes us behave in deplorable ways. Which the next day, make us more anxious. You can deal with anxiety attacks or you can deal with a drinking problem. If you have ANY choice at all , do not make yourself victim to both. If you need a hand, PM me. I get it.
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 And if he doesn't...he's the wrong guy. I know that's easy for me to say, but it is so true. Whenever the right person comes along (and who knows, maybe that's him), then they'll take all of this as it comes...it's human for him to be shocked if he has never seen it before and might need time to process. But if he can't process it, then he is making room for the right guy to come along in the future who makes you feel the way this guy does, AND who can handle everything that life and your relationship throws at him/you both.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I would. In a heartbeat. I imagine your date will too. Thanks Thadeus, and I hope does as well. God, I can only imagine what spewed out of my mouth.
sb129 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You're certainly not going to "get it" from me. I along with everybody else on here will be first of all glad that you home and safe. You look after yourself and rest first and foremost. Give it a couple of days and if he has not been in touch then email him and explain your AD. It would obviously be of benefit to your peace of mind to fill in those blanks too. If he is what you have been hoping, then there is a chance for you (depending on what happened). However if he has no interest whatsoever just because of your AD, then you deserve better. Oh Dreamer, nobody is going to be mean to you about this- its scary and beyond your control. Agreed with all of Annes post above, especially that you are home safe and sound. That is the main thing right now. I can understand why you are feeling so frustrated at this recent turn of events- give yourself a few days before you start trying to find out why it happened.
sb129 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 PS- I did wonder whether you are on any meds and whether they react with alcohol or not? I am sure you have a handle on all that, but just wondered.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I keep thinking about how should I have been able to control it, we'd have had a nice pleasant night. Instead, I get an attack, and I'm just I was very self defensive when I had it (like I need to protect myself, even though he had done nothing wrong). My guess is he got offended, and took it to heart. All I wanted to was just lie in his arms and calm down. I always feel good with him, and when he cuddles me, it's wonderful. do not "should" yourself...... and it's not like you intentionally did this- like you said, if you could have you would have controlled it. worry not about it, just focus on you.
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thank G-d you're okay! You ARE okay, and you WILL BE be okay, no matter what happens. Believe that. One of my best friends has PD, so I'm pretty familiar with it. It's very, very scary, as I imagine it is for you as well. I have seen first hand how terrifying they can be. ((HUGS)) In any event, I think your mother gave you some very sound advice on all points. He's probably just a bit freaked out right now. Do you remember whether you were able to communicate to him what happens/how you behave (whatever occurs) during a PA, before it happened? Give yourself a few days, and then reach out to him. Try not to worry yourself about the outcome before then. When the time comes, hopefully you'll be able to gather some information from him to piece the puzzle together. The missing patches alone would drive me crazy, and I'm sure they're bugging you too. I'm so sorry you went through this. Why couldn't I control it like most other times? What other instances were you able to control it? Do you have agoraphobia as well? Or... You were feeling better, so you started drinking again. Do you think perhaps the alcohol intensified it? Maybe that's it? FWIW, my friend ceased smoking and now only has a glass of wine here and there, as he was told that smoking and drinking have been linked to causing PAs and/or making them worse. You'll obviously want to talk to your doctors/therapist about that, but just though you might want to consider it for the future.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Oh yeah, meds, when I got diagnosed when I was 23/24 I got put on larazapam. It made me so groggy in the morning, I felt like I had a sleeping pill hangover. Doc suggested after a week of getting it in my system to take a half a pill on an as needed basis. After a while, I switched to an anti depressant. I just wasn't feeling anything at all. Eventually I learned to meditate and talk myself through it. 2sure - I will PM you for sure!
Jersey Shortie Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sorry to hear what you went through. But try not to fret too much. My one girlfriend has serious OCD. Her now husband is the perfect match for her because he is calm and relaxed and just teases her about her OCD. It helps balance her out. She always worried about her OCD and how to tell the new guys she was dating about it. We actually became friends because she dated my older brother. And remained friends even when they broke up. If this man doesn't turn out to be the right one for you, there will be another one who will.
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