How to afford being more cavalier?

[Lights]

What social skills would I best learn in order to be able to afford being more cavalier and merciless when dealing with people in my area?

 

I am currently seeing myself stuck as having no choice but to play nice and follow all the rules if I want even a chance of anyone dealing with me, but similar compunctions do not seem to apply to other people. I would like to learn the skills required to turn the tables.

 

What skills would I best learn, and what resources would be most useful to accomplish this?

[Pedigree]

Why do you feel that you need to be more "merciless"?

[Lights]

Why do you feel that you need to be more "merciless"?

 

As it stands right now, if I wish to have any chance at dealing with other people around here, I must tolerate behaviors from them that they would not tolerate from me. In that vein, if I knew how to shut them down very cruelly, and also if I learned the appropriate skills in order to be able to afford such behavior (i.e. be able to do so without incurring further limitations on who will actually deal with me at all), some issues could be solved.

[Calendula]

As it stands right now, if I wish to have any chance at dealing with other people around here, I must tolerate behaviors from them that they would not tolerate from me. In that vein, if I knew how to shut them down very cruelly, and also if I learned the appropriate skills in order to be able to afford such behavior (i.e. be able to do so without incurring further limitations on who will actually deal with me at all), some issues could be solved.

 

What kind of behavior are you having to deal with that would make you want to purposefully become more cruel to other people?

 

There has to be a better way of handling it, besides sinking to their level of nastiness. Thing is, no one on this forum will be able to help you figure out what that 'better way' could be if we don't know more about the kind of unacceptable behavior you are dealing with. What particulare issues are you trying to solve and what methods have you tried in the past?

[Lights]

What kind of behavior are you having to deal with that would make you want to purposefully become more cruel to other people?

 

There has to be a better way of handling it, besides sinking to their level of nastiness. Thing is, no one on this forum will be able to help you figure out what that 'better way' could be if we don't know more about the kind of unacceptable behavior you are dealing with. What particulare issues are you trying to solve and what methods have you tried in the past?

 

I would like to be able to afford to be casually and freely disrespect people in my area, without any adverse consequences to the rest of my interpersonal dealings, and to be able to be very cavalier when dealing with people in my area. I'd consider something other than sinking to their level, but I don't exactly see the culture working hard to mend its ways and earn back my favor, so it's clear that things are not going to change and I might as well work towards being able to get away with the same behaviors.

 

If you need a specific example, I have on several occasions been stood up and/or had my time wasted, and yet the transgressor was able to get away scot-free with said behavior, and yet it did not have any consequences with regards to other dealings (people were still willing to talk to and deal with said person rather than having their reputations permanently shot as someone worth working with/dating/whatever, nor was I able to teach them the proper way to show me respect).

 

However, I am being forced into a situation wherein any similar behavior on my part would guarantee negative social consequences (this culture is doing its best to force me into being a 'beggar' who has to struggle to get anyone to even talk, rather than having people reach out to me and compete for my time regardless of such actions, so I cannot currently afford to casually ditch people and disrespect people without losing hope of future interactions with other people).

 

But that is just one example of one behavior. I would like to be able to casually disrespect my area's people on a regular basis and yet have them struggle for my time. Written as such, the concept sounds quite unreasonable, but clearly it's realistic because it can happen so frequently with me on the wrong end of it.

 

All I've been able to do is basically suffer the disrespect and remain defenseless, unable to avenge the disrespect nor make an example of the individual, and move on to the next individual, equally defenseless against similar future transgressions.

 

Given the sort of culture I'm up against, I am interested in what would be good ways to maximize the respect I command, while minimizing the amount I need to proffer, and also to be able to get away with cruel and/or rude behavior. What would do that?

 

In sum, I would like to learn how to turn the tables on this area.

[Calendula]

I did some looking at your past posts and it seems like this isn't your first time trying to deal with this socialization issue you have. See below:

 

Yes, that's precisely the problem. I am trying too hard, and others aren't trying at all. The problem is that I have no choice but to try too hard because if I don't, I guarantee my own isolation regardless of my desires or lack thereof for isolation. How would I teach people that it's time to start getting off their asses and walking straight up and saying something even as dirt-simple as "Hi. My name's Nick...", or sending the simplest of emails?

 

Well, in my case, the place I might I happen to be can vary. It isn't always about hanging out or other social things either; trying to meet new people in things like night classes (not to mention getting them to work with one in good faith) is just as vile; the behaviors I encounter there and in other things are the same. Their one-way b.s. and hypocrisy appear to know no bounds.

 

While I can certainly understand that a good number of people one might encounter could be undesirable (as per your examples), I just don't understand why it's so impossible to have even basic social effort coming my way, whether from new people or from existing "friends".

 

It seems to me like you expect other people to change their approach to you and treatment of you to be more positive and welcoming without you making any positive efforts on your part, and without you changing your approach towards them. In this regard I think the below poster may have been onto something.

 

that right there is your problem. you seem to have this grandiose sense of entitlement, that you are such a prize and the world should bow in recognition of your greatness. if that in and of itself wasn't off-putting enough, when someone is actually trying to be nice to you in spite of it, you are a complete *** to them. quite frankly, i'm shocked nobody has beaten you silly yet. sorry for being brash, but i am just perplexed that you could be perplexed. if i acted like this, i imagine i would be a pariah too.

 

Have you ever thought about exactly how you approach people? IME I have found that people respond to others based on how they are approached. If you approach them with the feeling that you will be put upon or mistreated, or with a 'chip on your shoulder' like you deserve their respect without giving them yours first, then your approach is likely to come off as rude or otherwise undesirable and their automatic response will be disdain. Perhaps they see you as needy or whiney for whatever reason. If you are always complaining or worying about 'how everyone mistreats me and walks on me' then how could you expect any other treatment?

[Lights]

It seems to me like you expect other people to change their approach to you and treatment of you to be more positive and welcoming without you making any positive efforts on your part, and without you changing your approach towards them. In this regard I think the below poster may have been onto something.

My positive efforts are a given if I want any chance of people even talking to me. I do not feel the need to increase them further if what I am given in return is disrespect. Thus, I am asking how to get more and need to offer less, and also how to get away with disrespecting people myself since it seems so common in my culture.

 

 

Have you ever thought about exactly how you approach people? IME I have found that people respond to others based on how they are approached. If you approach them with the feeling that you will be put upon or mistreated, or with a 'chip on your shoulder' like you deserve their respect without giving them yours first, then your approach is likely to come off as rude or otherwise undesirable and their automatic response will be disdain. Perhaps they see you as needy or whiney for whatever reason. If you are always complaining or worying about 'how everyone mistreats me and walks on me' then how could you expect any other treatment?

 

What else can be done? The mistreatment is a reality. Attempting to ignore it is merely a temporary delusion a la the cheap psych-up feel-good stuff some people may speak of (which disappears the moment one's concentration or guard goes down anways).

 

If they want the chip off my shoulder, they can start by working hard, struggling to earn back my trust. But even that's not happening.

[Calendula]

It seems like you have decided that the world is out to get you and the only way to deal with it is to fight it. Thing is, what are you fighting against? People's responses to your behavior? The best way to do that is to change your behavior so that their responses are more desirable to you.

 

In your post below, I am confused as to what your 'area' is, what your 'culture' is? Some geographic background would help here - what country are you in and is there a racial difference that you are up against? Is your problem mainly in social settings or in work settings?

 

I would like to be able to afford to be casually and freely disrespect people in my area, without any adverse consequences to the rest of my interpersonal dealings, and to be able to be very cavalier when dealing with people in my area. I'd consider something other than sinking to their level, but I don't exactly see the culture working hard to mend its ways and earn back my favor, so it's clear that things are not going to change and I might as well work towards being able to get away with the same behaviors.

 

If you need a specific example, I have on several occasions been stood up and/or had my time wasted, and yet the transgressor was able to get away scot-free with said behavior, and yet it did not have any consequences with regards to other dealings (people were still willing to talk to and deal with said person rather than having their reputations permanently shot as someone worth working with/dating/whatever, nor was I able to teach them the proper way to show me respect).

 

However, I am being forced into a situation wherein any similar behavior on my part would guarantee negative social consequences (this culture is doing its best to force me into being a 'beggar' who has to struggle to get anyone to even talk, rather than having people reach out to me and compete for my time regardless of such actions, so I cannot currently afford to casually ditch people and disrespect people without losing hope of future interactions with other people).

 

But that is just one example of one behavior. I would like to be able to casually disrespect my area's people on a regular basis and yet have them struggle for my time. Written as such, the concept sounds quite unreasonable, but clearly it's realistic because it can happen so frequently with me on the wrong end of it.

 

All I've been able to do is basically suffer the disrespect and remain defenseless, unable to avenge the disrespect nor make an example of the individual, and move on to the next individual, equally defenseless against similar future transgressions.

 

Given the sort of culture I'm up against, I am interested in what would be good ways to maximize the respect I command, while minimizing the amount I need to proffer, and also to be able to get away with cruel and/or rude behavior. What would do that?

 

In sum, I would like to learn how to turn the tables on this area.

 

The only way to gain the respect of others is to EARN it. The only way to earn it is to give it first, yourself, to them, and to show that you are worthy of their respect through commendable actions and behaviors. You have to GIVE respect in order to gain it.

 

Unless you want them to fear and hate you that is. I have a feeling this would backfire on you, though... you already don't seem to be traveling a good social interaction path.

[Calendula]

My positive efforts are a given if I want any chance of people even talking to me. I do not feel the need to increase them further if what I am given in return is disrespect. Thus, I am asking how to get more and need to offer less, and also how to get away with disrespecting people myself since it seems so common in my culture.

 

If they want the chip off my shoulder, they can start by working hard, struggling to earn back my trust. But even that's not happening.

 

But why should they? They have nothing to gain from it. You have given them nothing.

 

It sounds like you hate them all, whoever 'they' are, and no matter how you think you behave positively, I would bet anything that your true feelings come out in your treatment of 'them.' You despise them and therefore you simper or pout when you deal with 'them' and perhaps act stuck up, like you are too good for them and they don't deserve your oh so good attentions. I know I wouldn't respond positively to such an attitude, especially if I had the feeling that "this person doesn't like me."

[Lights]

It seems like you have decided that the world is out to get you and the only way to deal with it is to fight it. Thing is, what are you fighting against? People's responses to your behavior? The best way to do that is to change your behavior so that their responses are more desirable to you.

But what's left to change? What behavioral changes prevent, say, being stood up?

 

In your post below, I am confused as to what your 'area' is, what your 'culture' is? Some geographic background would help here - what country are you in and is there a racial difference that you are up against? Is your problem mainly in social settings or in work settings?

I'm from the US, and though there may be a racial difference, this seems to happen with most races. This happens mainly in social and in school settings; work-wise things are reasonable because the people I deal with are better-selected and also the nature of the interactions are different.

 

 

You have to GIVE respect in order to gain it.

We'd all like to believe that, but that's not really what's been happening here, has it? Otherwise they'd not have disrespected me the first time around...

 

Unless you want them to fear and hate you that is. I have a feeling this would backfire on you, though... you already don't seem to be traveling a good social interaction path.

Fear wouldn't be a bad idea if I could learn the skills required to create and harness it well, and not have things backfire. Where would I best learn such skills?

[Calendula]

It is impossible to earn true respect by being disrespectful yourself. Perhaps you are already doing what you are hoping to learn from this thread and the negative responses people are giving you are because of it...

 

I would like to be able to afford to be casually and freely disrespect people in my area, without any adverse consequences to the rest of my interpersonal dealings, and to be able to be very cavalier when dealing with people in my area. I'd consider something other than sinking to their level, but I don't exactly see the culture working hard to mend its ways and earn back my favor, so it's clear that things are not going to change and I might as well work towards being able to get away with the same behaviors.

 

If you need a specific example, I have on several occasions been stood up and/or had my time wasted, and yet the transgressor was able to get away scot-free with said behavior, and yet it did not have any consequences with regards to other dealings (people were still willing to talk to and deal with said person rather than having their reputations permanently shot as someone worth working with/dating/whatever, nor was I able to teach them the proper way to show me respect).

 

But that is just one example of one behavior. I would like to be able to casually disrespect my area's people on a regular basis and yet have them struggle for my time. Written as such, the concept sounds quite unreasonable, but clearly it's realistic because it can happen so frequently with me on the wrong end of it.

 

Given the sort of culture I'm up against, I am interested in what would be good ways to maximize the respect I command, while minimizing the amount I need to proffer, and also to be able to get away with cruel and/or rude behavior. What would do that?

[Lights]

But why should they? They have nothing to gain from it. You have given them nothing.

It's a troublesome standoff that way. I haven't learned any skills that would bring me leverage over them.

 

It sounds like you hate them all, whoever 'they' are, and no matter how you think you behave positively, I would bet anything that your true feelings come out in your treatment of 'them.' You despise them and therefore you simper or pout when you deal with 'them' and perhaps act stuck up, like you are too good for them and they don't deserve your oh so good attentions. I know I wouldn't respond positively to such an attitude, especially if I had the feeling that "this person doesn't like me."

 

Most of this is accurate save for the acting stuck up part; I am stuck not being able to afford doing that, and I'd like to learn how to afford to be stuck up and cavalier to them. I have to keep playing nice as it stands right now; I'd like that to end, since clearly it doesn't go both ways.

[Lights]

It is impossible to earn true respect by being disrespectful yourself. Perhaps you are already doing what you are hoping to learn from this thread and the negative responses people are giving you are because of it...

 

I just can't believe that. What's so horrible about asking someone to work with one, and why does it make them choose to stand the asker up?

 

All I want to know is how to turn the tables here; how to be the one who can afford to perform those sorts of behaviors, rather than being the target.

[Calendula]

But what's left to change? What behavioral changes prevent, say, being stood up?

 

I would have to know you personally and see how you actually behave in order to help you with this one. Perhaps you should see a counselor or talk to any friends or family you have and get their perspective. IME if you treat someone with a truly friendly, open, giving manner, they will, in general, respond positively.

 

I'm from the US, and though there may be a racial difference, this seems to happen with most races. This happens mainly in social and in school settings; work-wise things are reasonable because the people I deal with are better-selected and also the nature of the interactions are different.

 

Your contempt for others is showing in your above statement. In work settings people have no choice but to maintain professional relationships, whether they like you or not. In social settings they can let you know what they really think without repurcussions. It is a free country.

 

We'd all like to believe that, but that's not really what's been happening here, has it? Otherwise they'd not have disrespected me the first time around...

 

Are you sure they were the ones doing the disrespecting 'the first time around'? From your posts, this thread and others, you seem to have a healthy dose of contempt for most people in general, and this would mean that you are the one starting down the disrespect path with them.

 

Fear wouldn't be a bad idea if I could learn the skills required to create and harness it well, and not have things backfire. Where would I best learn such skills?

 

WOW!!! I can't help you with this one. That is a dark path to want to choose to travel down. You intentionally want to be able to make people fear you to earn their respect?!?! Have you been suffering from low self esteem or mental abuse most of your life or something and just decided you might want to go postal on everyone? I don't understand why you could possibly WANT others to fear you in order to gain what you think would be respect. Sorry, but Wow.

[Lights]

 

Your contempt for others is showing in your above statement. In work settings people have no choice but to maintain professional relationships, whether they like you or not. In social settings they can let you know what they really think without repurcussions. It is a free country.

That mention wasn't about liking anyone or telling anyone what they think or about contempt. The people in workplaces are better-selected; people who go around wasting other people's time in workplaces or standing people up for business meetings, regardless of the state of any particular personal relationship, generally don't end up spending that much time in that workplace, and are thus selected out.

[Calendula]

While you think that you might be "playing it nice" I have to wonder what this entails for you. The fact that you freely admit that you hate and despise the people you interact with makes me think that these feelings are strong enough that they would be coming out in your dealings with others whether you mean for them to or not. Many people can have a sixth sense as to when others don't like them or despise them, and therefore respond to the subconscious signals you are giving them which say "I really don't like you, but I am acting nice because I think I have to be," instead of to what you may actually be saying.

 

If you asked someone to "work with you" on a project or something, and they didn't show at a designated place or time, can you be 100% certain it was because of you and not because of something else in their lives that just came up? Why does it all have to be about you? The world really isn't out to get you. I promise.

[Calendula]

That mention wasn't about liking anyone or telling anyone what they think or about contempt. The people in workplaces are better-selected; people who go around wasting other people's time in workplaces or standing people up for business meetings, regardless of the state of any particular personal relationship, generally don't end up spending that much time in that workplace, and are thus selected out.

 

But they still have no choice but to work with you and be professional. They must hide or disregard their personal feelings in the interests of getting the job done. Are you friends with anyone you work with and therefore see on a daily basis?

[Lights]

While you think that you might be "playing it nice" I have to wonder what this entails for you. The fact that you freely admit that you hate and despise the people you interact with makes me think that these feelings are strong enough that they would be coming out in your dealings with others whether you mean for them to or not. Many people can have a sixth sense as to when others don't like them or despise them, and therefore respond to the subconscious signals you are giving them which say "I really don't like you, but I am acting nice because I think I have to be," instead of to what you may actually be saying.

That's possible. If it's true, I don't really know what to do about it, though.

 

If you asked someone to "work with you" on a project or something, and they didn't show at a designated place or time, can you be 100% certain it was because of you and not because of something else in their lives that just came up? Why does it all have to be about you? The world really isn't out to get you. I promise.

 

Actually, I don't have any reason to believe I had caused any of it. They chose to do so on their own; I didn't exactly somehow force them to stand me up.

 

In one of the recent cases I can be certain that it was not about something more urgent coming up and am certain it was purely a stupid and disrespectful action; in another I never got any information of any kind. I'm not saying this is "all about me". But, if I must be in a situation wherein this sort of behavior is going to happen without consequence to the person performing it, I would rather be the one who can perform it rather than the be the target of it.

 

But they still have no choice but to work with you and be professional. They must hide or disregard their personal feelings in the interests of getting the job done. Are you friends with anyone you work with and therefore see on a daily basis?

Regrettably, I'm not currently working, and I haven't been able to see any of them anytime recently (everyone's rather crazy, for good reason). I was on pretty decent terms with some of them, and that was fine. I had no problems with most of them, and have not had any problems with any of the ones with whom I'm still in touch.

[Calendula]

That's possible. If it's true, I don't really know what to do about it, though.

 

Being aware that you might be doing something like this is a start. If you pay attention to what you might be doing, you may catch yourself in the act and realize how you are influencing people's responses to you. Sit in a supermarket or shopping mall and watch people some day (take a book so you don't look like a stalker ). Watch how strangers initiate conversations with each other in checkout lines. Watch how shopkeepers make a sale to a potential customer they know nothing about. Watch how kids respond to their parents - the yelling parents and the nice parents. Just watch, and think about what you see.

 

Actually, I don't have any reason to believe I had caused any of it. They chose to do so on their own; I didn't exactly somehow force them to stand me up.

 

In one of the recent cases I can be certain that it was not about something more urgent coming up and am certain it was purely a stupid and disrespectful action; in another I never got any information of any kind. I'm not saying this is "all about me". But, if I must be in a situation wherein this sort of behavior is going to happen without consequence to the person performing it, I would rather be the one who can perform it rather than the be the target of it.

 

So, people can be disrespectful *****s. It is a fact of life. It doesn't mean you have to be one though. Do you really want to intentionally treat people the way they have been treating you when you seem to despise such behavior so strongly? Why would you want to treat others this way when you hate being the recipient of it so much? Sure you could say it is to give them some of their own back, return the treatment, but that would put you on their level. The same level as people you say you hate.

 

As far as people being disrespectful and mistreating others, I like to believe that people get what they deserve out of life. I suppose you could call it Karma. While you may not be the one to punish them for their transgressions against you, if you can convince youself that the world will give them what they deserve for their dispicable behavior, then the responsibility will be off of your shoulders. It isn't your job to punish them for their wrong-doings. If they really are bad people, then they will get what is coming to them. It may be later on down the road, and you may not be around to see it, but if you can believe it to be the case, then you won't have to worry about it anymore. You can get on with your life and spend your time and energy trying to figure out how to be a BETTER person instead of how to mistreat people like they have mistreated you.

 

Just think, perhaps they will someday inadvertantly be disrespectful to the person who would have given them a raise had they been polite. Perhaps they won't show up for that one dinner date where they would have bought a winning lottery ticket on the way home. I'm sure you can come up with all sorts of scenarios that 'could' happen to these people who have mistreated you, in which you wouldn't have to lift a finger, and in which life takes care of it for you.

 

This is how I deal with those few 'really not nice' people I encounter. I trust the world to deal with them as they deserve. It isn't my job to punish them so why should I take my limited time and energy worrying about it or trying to deal with them? I have better things to do.

[Lights]

Being aware that you might be doing something like this is a start. If you pay attention to what you might be doing, you may catch yourself in the act and realize how you are influencing people's responses to you. Sit in a supermarket or shopping mall and watch people some day (take a book so you don't look like a stalker ). Watch how strangers initiate conversations with each other in checkout lines. Watch how shopkeepers make a sale to a potential customer they know nothing about. Watch how kids respond to their parents - the yelling parents and the nice parents. Just watch, and think about what you see.

Thanks, Calendula. I'll try that.

 

So, people can be disrespectful *****s. It is a fact of life. It doesn't mean you have to be one though.

I don't have to, but I want it as a practical option for me.

 

Do you really want to intentionally treat people the way they have been treating you when you seem to despise such behavior so strongly? Why would you want to treat others this way when you hate being the recipient of it so much? Sure you could say it is to give them some of their own back, return the treatment, but that would put you on their level. The same level as people you say you hate.

I have no need to put on some sort of show of virtue; such virtue has not been earned. If this is the level of behavior that is offered, that is all that I shall myself offer. I feel no need to walk into mistreatment through some naive show of saintliness.

 

As far as people being disrespectful and mistreating others, I like to believe that people get what they deserve out of life. I suppose you could call it Karma. While you may not be the one to punish them for their transgressions against you, if you can convince youself that the world will give them what they deserve for their dispicable behavior, then the responsibility will be off of your shoulders.

I am not a believer in any such thing, but even if I was one, the matter of dealing with this remains on my shoulders for as long as I remain defenseless against it happening again and again and again.

[Calendula]

I was just doing a bit of light reading and though you might find this thread interesting:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3

 

Especially check out post #42 Nice guys vs Jerks.

 

Which of these categories do you think you fall into? Which do you think people that you seem to dislike so much think you fall into? How do you think others see you?

[Lights]

I was just doing a bit of light reading and though you might find this thread interesting:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3

 

Especially check out post #42 Nice guys vs Jerks.

 

Which of these categories do you think you fall into? Which do you think people that you seem to dislike so much think you fall into? How do you think others see you?

 

There's no question I'm bitter.

 

People I dislike could be any of the above. I couldn't care too much how they deal with random women, save for any possible similarity with how they treat me. It's how they deal with me that matters in that regard.

 

All I can guess is about how others see me is that they feel that they can commit transgressions against me safely; that's what's got to change.

 

It's frustrating seeing people all so often speak or write so glibly about "not taking any **** from anyone" (as was mentioned in that post), and yet fail entirely to directly teach practical and legal methods of deterrence or destruction against those who would offer someone "****".

[Calendula]

I have no need to put on some sort of show of virtue; such virtue has not been earned. If this is the level of behavior that is offered, that is all that I shall myself offer. I feel no need to walk into mistreatment through some naive show of saintliness.

 

From our exchanges, I'm pretty sure we have a very different way of looking at interpersonal relationships, and I'm not sure how much more perspective I can give you. Behaviors, good or bad, are the kind of thing you have to observe and emulate or avoid, they can't be communicated effectively through text. I really do think you might benefit from talking to a counselor, if only to get their impressions on how you approach people and how they respond to you.

 

In life we may not have a choice as to how people treat us, but we DO have a choice as to how we will respond to them. I don't believe that ignoring or avoiding disrespectful people that mistreat you is being naive or saintly, it is simply one way of dealing with the situation. Choosing to associate with different people, and avoiding those who treat you poorly would probably be a good place to start. Try the watching thing first, though, and test your approaches on strangers in the checkout line at the grocery store to see how they respond to you. I'm not saying try to pick up girls or anything, just try and have a conversation. You will likely never see the person again, so you have nothing to loose, even if you do come across as a creep or they think you are strange for talking to them.

 

I am not a believer in any such thing, but even if I was one, the matter of dealing with this remains on my shoulders for as long as I remain defenseless against it happening again and again and again.

 

I would say that you have choosen to let this 'issue' remain on your shoulders and bother you. Sure, it happens to you; sure, you have to deal with it; I'm not denying any of that. But YOU are choosing to dwell on it and let it affect your behavior and outlook on life. Why let these people who don't have your respect have such power over your life, actions, and feelings? There is no 'defense' that could keep others from treating you in this way, except perhaps keeping youself out of such situations, so why not roll with the punches and ignore their behavior so you can get on with your life instead of letting them hold you back by obsessing about it?

[Calendula]

There's no question I'm bitter.

 

Hmmm...As far as being bitter, at least you admit it. Getting over that would be a big step for you towards improving your relationships with others. No one wants to hang out around someone who is bitter, complaining, and blaming the world and everyone else for their problems instead of just dealing with them. I don't know how much of this you do, but it does kind of go with being bitter.

 

All I can guess is about how others see me is that they feel that they can commit transgressions against me safely; that's what's got to change.

 

It's frustrating seeing people all so often speak or write so glibly about "not taking any **** from anyone" (as was mentioned in that post), and yet fail entirely to directly teach practical and legal methods of deterrence or destruction against those who would offer someone "****".

 

Hmmm... How to "Not take any **** from others"...

 

I suppose it could be interpreted as meaning that someone doesn't tolerate or acknowledge inappropriate behavior made towards them. Sometimes the best way to deal with people's bad behavior is to not acknowledge it/ ignore it, AND not let it get to you. This is harder to do than it sounds, however, as you no doubt know.

 

I think the ability to elegantly not tolerate the poor behavior of others comes along with self confidence. When you are confident in what you believe or feel, and know yourself to be worthy (of whatever), others can sense this and instinctively respect you for it. Kind of like how the sensing of the bitterness works, only its the positive version of that. How good would you say your self-confidence levels are?

[Calendula]

Have you ever thought about taking martial arts or boxing classes?

 

It could be a good way for you to vent some of the pent up bitterness and frustration you seem to have - against a punching bag instead of towards other people who don't really deserve it. It could also be a good way for you to improve your physical self-control (and therefore, perhaps, your mental control of your feelings) and possibly your self-confidence.

 

Just a thought...