sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 For those who don't know my story... about 15 months ago my BF of over a year cheated on me and left me for someone at work (they are still together). It was the first time I'd been cheated on and the betrayal was more painful than anything I've ever lived through. You can look through my threads from last summer if you want to know more. Anyway - since our last conversation, in May 2008, I have not laid eyes on this man and we have not had any contact. It took me a long, long time to get back on my feet and even longer to stop thinking about him at every moment of every day. I'm doing pretty well now, though I admit he is still in my thoughts periodically. So I went to the climbing gym tonight to do some bouldering. This gym is one of the places I had to "reclaim" since we spent so much time there together. I've done a pretty good job of it, and while I still generally try to avoid the days/times we used to go together, in recent weeks I haven't thought much about seeing him there. So I'm bouldering in this back part of the gym, and out of the corner of my eye I see a familiar profile. I take a few more peeks and sure enough, it's him. He looks pretty much the same, maybe longer hair and slightly heavier? But basically the same. I should say that I was feeling (and looking) awesome tonight- I ran 6 miles this afternoon at a record pace, I'm climbing stronger than I ever have before, and I was wearing a new and rather flattering blue workout shirt. Once I knew it was him (and I knew he saw me because every time I glanced his way he was looking in my direction), I spent half an hour thinking "you jerk, are you going to have the guts to even say HELLO?" Because it seemed like he was making an effort to avoid being wherever I was. I was enjoying what felt like the upper hand, meaning he seemed to be gutless and unable to face me. And why on earth would I ever approach him, the cheating liar that he was? But then...duh duh DUH... he came over and said hello. We had a 5 minute conversation. He asked how I was doing, how work was, how my family is doing, hey heard you've been out climbing with [mutual friends], blah blah blah. I told him about my sister's new pregnancy (twins), about work, about me doing well, and having a lot of life balance in the work-life equation. Then to be polite I asked how his work is going and how his daughter is doing. Beyond that, I didn't make much of an effort to make conversation - to be honest I couldn't think of much to say. The whole time I had this vague thought of "wow, this is the man I loved so much, whose body I wanted so much... and...man his teeth are white." (He has a bridge and caps that have been whitened brighter than pure driven snow). And his face was that same expressionless face I've always known - he never shows his feelings. There was a long pause, he said "well, it was good to see you"; I replied with "see you around." Here I'd spent months worrying what would happen if/when we ran into each other, and it was so...anticlimactic. I was thinking "our last interaction was me sending you a scathing email chewing you out for being a cheating lying jerk and now you think you can just make polite conversation and act like nothing happened? Do you think this gets you brownie points or something?" I'm sort of waiting for the emotional tsunami to hit. I don't feel overly upset right now. I feel curious about what he's thinking and feeling, and whether seeing me has triggered anything (because he buries things and then implodes when seemingly minor things trigger him). But at the gym he was a stranger to me, totally disconnected in physical time and space from the boyfriend of my memories, so at least I'm not relapsing into wishing we were back together.
Peanut9330 Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I know how you feel I had the same kind of encounter not with my recent ex but the one before him. After our brief conversation I was just waiting for it to hit me but a few hours passed by and nothing, than a few days, weeks and now its been years and thankfully I didn’t have a break down. I thought I would because of what we went through but it didn’t happen. I'm sure you'll be fine you seem to have taken in pretty well but in the event that you have a hard time you have all of us on LS for support.
kizik Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 WOW. That's... pretty crazy, SSG. I think the fact that it WAS anticlimactic is a GOOD thing. Kind of like a "he's not so great" sensation? I think this was great for you. I've seen my ex out a few times, but never talked to her. Last time I saw her, it gave me a stomachache. But you are doing awesome! Good work on maintaining your dignity and NOT telling him off (as much as you would have liked to). You rock, signed kizik.
Beeotch Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Glad to hear that it was not a disaster.... I think that if someone has wronged you and does not ever apologize....you can never be friends or view them in a normal fashion ever again. You may not be angry or upset or overly bothered but as you said in the back of your mind, when they are acting as if everything is fine, there is that voice asking are they frickin serious??? Sooo yea....the slate can never be cleared fully unless this person apologizes. In that way you know they have remorse, are sorry and when you see them around it can be genuine and you can see them as a human being....you won't have any more questions. But until then....you can be cordial but there is going to ALWAYS be those lingering ill-feelings and this disbelief that they could truly be acting as if nothing happened.
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Seriously. I just don't understand people who don't make an effort to apologize or right the wrong, when they KNOW they've hurt someone. I looked up my email to him last year I was damn clear about how hurtful he was. How do you just block that out? How are you a member of the human race if you can't ever say "I'm sorry"? When I know I've hurt someone I don't feel right about it until I've apologized.
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 That was funny about his teeth! That really is a good thing, how anti-climatic it all was. gosh, I cant even imagine walking up to my bf a year and a half from now and not bursting into tears. Then again, I can definitely imagine walking right past my ex husband after al this time and not even caring about being polite enough to say hi. Soo..I guess theres something to that whole time thing.
playlislay Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 How are you feeling today missy? Has the 'emotional tsunami' hit yet? I know how when you see/speak to/hear the ex, you sometimes feel somewhat liberated as you took it a lot better than you thought. But the next day? Well, in my opinion, the next day can suck! Or maybe not for some........ Dont let your mind get absorbed with thoughts of him again. Think of how far you have come and how much better off you are without that cheating pig! I hope youre having a greeeeat day!
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 playlislay, thanks for asking. I am feeling annoyed and angry this morning. He probably left that little exchange thinking that since I didn't slap him across the face or chew him out, that I must have forgiven him and the chapter is closed. I had one other boyfriend that was like this - treated me really really badly and never apologized for it. I lost all respect for that guy and refuse to rekindle the original friendship we had. It's such a bummer to realize I dated - and loved - another tin man who lacks empathy and remorse. I hope I've learned my lesson!!
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 That was funny about his teeth! That really is a good thing, how anti-climatic it all was. gosh, I cant even imagine walking up to my bf a year and a half from now and not bursting into tears. Then again, I can definitely imagine walking right past my ex husband after al this time and not even caring about being polite enough to say hi. Soo..I guess theres something to that whole time thing. I don't know your story, but believe me I wouldn't have handled it this well if it had happened even just a few months ago. I felt really surprised, in the moment, at how anti-climactic it all felt, and how I really had nothing to say to him. And I used to just worship that body - my god, that body - but most of what I noticed last night was the teeth. The ridiculously, overwhitened teeth.
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 WOW. That's... pretty crazy, SSG. I think the fact that it WAS anticlimactic is a GOOD thing. Kind of like a "he's not so great" sensation? I think this was great for you. I've seen my ex out a few times, but never talked to her. Last time I saw her, it gave me a stomachache. But you are doing awesome! Good work on maintaining your dignity and NOT telling him off (as much as you would have liked to). You rock, signed kizik. Thanks Kiz! I'm as surprised as anyone that it went down as non-dramatically as it did. As I just posted, I am feeling some after-effects today, but I do think I am doing awesome. I think it helps that I met someone a month ago who actually interests me - and seems interested in me. It's completely platonic right now but it's good to have a decent man in the picture to contrast against the hollow and selfish ex.
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I know how you feel I had the same kind of encounter not with my recent ex but the one before him. After our brief conversation I was just waiting for it to hit me but a few hours passed by and nothing, than a few days, weeks and now its been years and thankfully I didn’t have a break down. I thought I would because of what we went through but it didn’t happen. I'm sure you'll be fine you seem to have taken in pretty well but in the event that you have a hard time you have all of us on LS for support. Thanks, Peanut! It's nice to think that maybe I won't have a huge devastating setback - a sure sign that time has done its healing work.
Ingenue Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 SSG, I think it was great that your first physical meeting with the ex was so anti-climactic. It shows the progress you've made and the indifference you feel towards him. The fact that you're angry the day after is understandable, considering how he's unwilling to take responsibility for his actions and own up to hurting you. The good thing is that he is no longer your problem. Could you imagine dating somebody like that now? Someone who has that little respect for himself and others, is selfish, a colossal douche and is a genuinely unpleasant man? Be proud of yourself that all you thought of when you saw him was how white his teeth were. I have to agree that without a genuine and sincere apology, the two of you simply cannot be anything more than simple hi-and-bye people. Why would you want to be? I remember that our relationships roughly imploded at the same time last year, with science guys who were colossal douches. When my ex and I spoke in February, he pretended like everything was cool too. He gave a half-hearted apology that wasn't genuine. I did the same thing as you. All I could think about in the conversation was, "why on earth did I go out with this selfish selfish man?" It's nice when the exes come off the pedestal and it sounds like your ex is completely off. Based on your attitude and what you've written, I don't see an emotional tsunami hitting you. I think you've reached that place where it no longer matters.
ReturnToSender Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I don't know your story, but believe me I wouldn't have handled it this well if it had happened even just a few months ago. I felt really surprised, in the moment, at how anti-climactic it all felt, and how I really had nothing to say to him. And I used to just worship that body - my god, that body - but most of what I noticed last night was the teeth. The ridiculously, overwhitened teeth. My ex husband and I havnt seen each other in 7 years and we werent together for the last year of our marriage, so 8 years altogether. It has been a *lot* of time! Defintely though, when we first split up, I was a MESS!!!!! and I really let my life go down the tubes for awhile there. Looking back now, its like...dang, all that for him? Hah! So yeah..time is an amazing thing...
playlislay Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 playlislay, thanks for asking. I am feeling annoyed and angry this morning. He probably left that little exchange thinking that since I didn't slap him across the face or chew him out, that I must have forgiven him and the chapter is closed. I had one other boyfriend that was like this - treated me really really badly and never apologized for it. I lost all respect for that guy and refuse to rekindle the original friendship we had. It's such a bummer to realize I dated - and loved - another tin man who lacks empathy and remorse. I hope I've learned my lesson!! Thats ok, I experienced similar situations. He cheated as well and although I havent seen him since April (split christmas 2008), I have recently seen a picture of him and his new gf. It is weird. Something was telling me to check his profile picture as I somehow knew that it had changed from just him, to him and another girl. And I was right! What's even worse, is that she is one of his friends who I had conversed with over facebook. When I first saw it, I felt somewhat happy and liberated. It was nice to see that he was happy as I only wish the best for him (and yes, I am still stupidly in love with him). I was happy that he was happy and I thought that due to my reaction, I would be fine. But ooooooh nooo, I had to have a dream about him and her. I woke up in a fit of tears the next morning. It has set me back quite a few steps. Anywho, funk what he thinks! You shouldnt care anymore, although it is easier said than done. Dont let it play on your mind sweet. What is done is done. You must have given it to him good when he cheated on you, so don't feel that you have to punish him any further. Yes, what he did was probably heartbreaking for you-I know the feeling! But you have to realise that he is the baddie in all of this. You were the one that had the good heart and if he didnt realise what he had, then more fool him You think that you know someone, but sometimes people prove you wrong. It is a hard fact of life..............that is all for today I hope your dreams are full of fluffy kittens and diamonds, ANYTHING but your ex!
Beeotch Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Seriously. I just don't understand people who don't make an effort to apologize or right the wrong, when they KNOW they've hurt someone. I looked up my email to him last year I was damn clear about how hurtful he was. How do you just block that out? How are you a member of the human race if you can't ever say "I'm sorry"? When I know I've hurt someone I don't feel right about it until I've apologized. Exactly....then have the nerve to chat them up.
Beeotch Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 playlislay, thanks for asking. I am feeling annoyed and angry this morning. He probably left that little exchange thinking that since I didn't slap him across the face or chew him out, that I must have forgiven him and the chapter is closed. I had one other boyfriend that was like this - treated me really really badly and never apologized for it. I lost all respect for that guy and refuse to rekindle the original friendship we had. It's such a bummer to realize I dated - and loved - another tin man who lacks empathy and remorse. I hope I've learned my lesson!! I actually feel the same about my ex.... I saw him this weekend (after not seeing hm since May, he randomly calls on Saturday night and invites himself to accompany me to a party)....I allowed him to because 1. I don't hold any hatred for him and I do know he has issues therefore I decided to treat him with compassion and understanding instead of anger and resentment and 2. I was like what the hey, I was not the one who initiated anything soo it is up to him and it must have taken a lot for him to ask me this...(he was fumbling with it on the phone and hinting at the fact he was driving around aimlessly but I pretended to be unaware of the hints to see me as in the past I would ALWAYS meet him 90% of the way, I would always be the one doing the inviting etc so I just acted like I didn't know what he was trying to say until the clues got bigger and bigger until he finally just blurted it out....lol) I didn't do anything foolish, I was nice to him without coming off as if I wanted him romantically...plus we were hanging out in a group. But now...I am thinking that perhaps it was TOOO easy....perhaps I should have told him NO! Perhaps now he thinks ohhh all is forgiven he can just call me up whenever and I will be cool with him. That is NOT the case though. I have let go of my anger and resentment for the most part but the truth is: until the other person says sorry....you can never be 100% there. So until he does...I will continue keeping my distance. I certainly was not the one inviting him out and I will not be....so IF he pops back up and wants to go out again as if nothing occurred....I think I will pass. I can have compassion without allowing him to do whatever he wants. He KNOWS I don't hate him...but he also needs to know that I do feel wronged and he cannot just act as if everything is cool without ever trying to make amends.
0hpenelope Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It's been a while, SSG, but I'm glad to read that you're doing ok.
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Ingenue and 0hpenelope it's great to hear from you both. Ingenue - yes, I think the ex is completely off the pedestal now. I feel sad that he wasn't at all the man I hoped/wanted him to be, but that's a better place to be than thinking he IS that guy (somehow) and the new girl is getting all the good stuff he never gave me. Wrong! He's still disconnected, aloof, uncommunicative, blank, shallow, etc. 0hpenelope - I really am doing okay; the emotional tsunami didn't hit. I wonder if/when I'll see him again and how he'll handle it. If he continues to act like nothing happened, I probably will say something about it. But otherwise it's onward and upward... Road to Joy - nothing magical here, just the gift of time and healing. Good luck to you.
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