Frightening sings of CP in my relationship - For those in CP relationships

[leap83]

After 2 days of non-stop reading "He's Scared, She's Scared", I'm faced with the reality. ALL of the signs in the book, resembled themselves in my last relationship (and other ones too), that I'm feeling sick right now. Here's what were some of the signs in my relationship. I hope it helps someone out there who might be stuck in the same pattern.

 

1. He said "When I'm with you, I feel out of control." - My first thought was that it's odd he said that.

2. On our 4th date, he said he had a joke for me. Apparently, he was walking with his brother and they saw a shirt with a couple at the altar on it - underneath it said "THE END". He started to laugh. I laughed it off.

3. He said he was "indecisive".

4. He was ALWAYS late for our dates (except the first one) and kept apologizing about it. It was ALWAYS the traffic's fault - never his.

5. We were talking once in the car and discussing issues in our relationship, when he started to breathe heavily and opened up the window. I looked at him and he goes "I'm claustrophobic." Mind you, the car is huge. PLENTY of space.

6. He ALWAYS had to be in control of EVERYTHING. He set up the dates. He set up where we're going. If I mentioned some place, he would say "Maybe we'll go there some time." He was so much in control in this part of the relationship, that he created distance when distance was needed - ie. He wouldn't see me for 5 days at a time.

7. He never picked up the phone after 10pm. His excuse was that he was busy and had to get up early. In all honesty, when he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to talk.

8. He set up HUGE barriers after the first night we got closer.

9. He said he would get a puppy or a kitten and he kept saying that for a month and a half but never got one. When I asked why didn't he get one, his explanation was that "my apartment is too small to hold a dog/kitten.... it's not the right time.... I don't know whether I can take care of it now." Issues with commiting to an animal.

10. The first date he mentioned how he doesn't like when someone else is in control. That's why he's self-employed. He's in control ALL the time. He couldn't sustain a job at one place for longer periods of time - when he was younger though, he was able to.

11. He is LEASING his car. He has plenty of money to buy new one, yet he's leasing it. I thought that was odd right from the beginning.

12. He said he never started thinking about "we" in a relationship. It was always "I".

13. The more I got close, the more he pulled away. Example: we spent a very nice weekend together - it was relaxing and we had some deep conversations (nothing serious). He didn't call for a week after. I thought I messed it up. In reality I didn't.

14. Everything was going perfectly, flawlessly (if it wasn't I wouldn't be in such shock), when he decided to add "drama" to our relationship by saying he had "unresolved issues". He cried. He said he didn't mean to say/do this. He said he never wanted to hurt me.

15. At the beginning of the relationship, he e-mailed me every day and talked with me all the time. He all of a sudden stopped phoning (phoned once a week), texting (texted only when he wanted to).

16. He never wanted to work on things. Every one of my "we can work this through... like this" would be shut down by "I want to do it BUT...."

17. He put up huge barriers and even said that whenever he felt like fr example buying me flowers, something was "BLOCKING him".

18. He said I was his "check list girl and a perfect woman for him" yet he's not with me now.

19. He fed me with thoughts about the future, what could be, at the beginning of the relationship.

20. When confronted with "What do you fear of? Tell me. What is scaring you?" he was completely silent.

21. At the end, he found every excuse as to WHY our relationship WON'T work. Some of these things were bizzare like "our personalities are too similar" or "our values are bang on".

22. He broke off a 7yr relationship - I don't know why. He says it was all her fault and she was not right from the start. He said it took him 2 YEARS to fall in love with her and then he was blamed for everything the next 5 yrs. I find this hard to believe even though when he was telling me all of this, I disliked her. Now I don't believe a word of it.

23. I think he already has someone lined up - I don't have all of the facts yet. But he jumped right into a relationship after his 7yr one and then if he jumps right into another after this one, it is pretty clear.

24. All of his thoughts/feelings/words are contradictory. One day he said how much he believes we belong together. The next he would say that our personalities are too similar and it would never last.

25. As long as they're chasing you, you're safe. Otherwise, they will run for the hills. As soon as it starts looking like this could be for a long haul, they're out and on their merry way.

26. After everything, you're still confused as to what the hell happened. You can't believe it. You try to find answers to your questions. The more you ask them, the more they pull away. They get overly protective, until they're totally out of your life. But not to worry, they're back again. They go in and out. ALL THE TIME.

27. Vacation for more than 5 days, scared the **** out of him.

28. "I need time to think about us"; "I need time to think"; "I need space"; "You didn't give me enough time" - some common phrases you'll hear.

29. He starts controling you in sex life. Cuts it off when he thinks you're getting too close. But then lures you in when you least expect it. This part of the relationship is only on their terms. The guy I was seeing, probably unconsciously, said "For God's Sake... I'm cutting off intimacy because it HURTS."

 

Well, these are some red flags to watch out in a man with CP. I'm the "passive commitmenophobic" and he's an "active" one. If I remember some more, I'll add them. Don't fall into this TRAP. As soon as you notice this, get out. Don't try to be friends with them, because it will NEVER happen. Unless he acknowledges his problems/issues and honestly believes that he needs help, don't believe anything they say. Block e-mails, fb, phone... if they want, they'll find you. Let them come to you. Back off right away. Don't make the same mistake I have made as a passive commitmenophobic (trying to work this through, trying to understand by calling them, showing them how much you love them, trying to win them over again, etc). IT WON'T WORK. Back away. Put it in your head that this won't work and move on. Do EVERYTHING to move on. Don't get stuck. Imagine they're NEVER coming back. Work on your issues with a counselor. Surround yourself with friends. Don't dwell on these issues - you will NEVER find answers to your questions. Move on. If they come back, make sure it is for the right reasons; otherwise, out the door they go.

[georgia girl]

Well put. Now, I am "gulping" your words.

[leap83]

Haha... If only I was smart enough to apply all of this earlier and STOPPED ignoring BIG RED FLAGS. I would be happier right now.

[caramel c]

Good lord, many of those are painfully familiar.

[GrayClouds]

Is it the challenge of a CP that women go for, is a guy who wants to commit found boring?

[leap83]

Caramel: Yeah. This was just ONE of my relationships. The 4 yr one - he was the adult child. He never wanted to grow up. I don't want to go into it - the book covers ALL of my relationships. It's quite mind blowing really. And it covers my problems as well.

 

It's insane.

 

Another thing: he will never say ILY. They're scared of ILY. They freak out.

Also, they will say things are moving too fast, when in actuality they're moving accordingly - not too slow/not too fast.

Btw, if they are telling you how they feel, LISTEN to them. Don't take it as a joke (like I did). Listen to every word they say because they mean it. Usually, they warn you about this on the first date. They DO have feelings for you, but they're scared of them. If they say something like "I feel deeply connected to you", they mean it but it freaks them out. Usually, they'll try not to say these things, but sometimes they will pop out - they're not lying (they're telling the truth). But they fear commitment so there lays the problem. It's NOT you. It's THEM. So if they say "It's not you. It's me" - believe them.

[leap83]

GrayClouds: Well, yes. If you're a passive commitmenophobic like me, you tend to find those that want to commit, boring. You feel like you always want that "adventurous" relationship - unrealistic beliefs. You don't want to fall in the trap of being a housewife or doing the same thing over and over again. The man who can't commit is someone you're chasing. You're chasing them because you can't have them. It's a vicious cycle. Sometimes, women like me, don't even notice these patterns until something like this happens. I only started to notice these patterns in me now. It's pretty bad.

 

Passive commitmenophobics will ALWAYS find active commitmenophobics. They will try to be in a relationship. Patterns repeat. One side pulls, the other drags. Non-stop.

 

That's at least the case with me. And I'm willing to admit it. I don't necessarily run away from those kinds of relationships - I want one. I'm very passive - I don't create. I tend to accept and blame myself. But yes, usually, men who want to commit, I don't find attractive - I don't know whether they want to commit or not because I reject them before I even know. There lies the problem.

[GrayClouds]

Intensity over intimacy... It does sound like your figuring it out. What makes you a passive CP?

[Goatsbreath]

wow, I'm the almost complete opposite of that guy. I never feel any of that and those things are never issues in my relationships. Still, I get dumped but this guy goes on. I get dumped without ever knowing what the problem was, I still don't know. hmm........, maybe I need to be late for my next 20 date encounters ..........wth hell, why not, atleast then I can think of a reason to chalk up the last relationship to

[leap83]

wow, I'm the almost complete opposite of that guy. I never feel any of that and those things are never issues in my relationships. Still, I get dumped but this guy goes on. I get dumped without ever knowing what the problem was, I still don't know. hmm........, maybe I need to be late for my next 20 date encounters ..........wth hell, why not, atleast then I can think of a reason to chalk up the last relationship to

 

LOOOL...

 

That means you're normal (to some degree ). It's a good thing! The nice guys always get dumped. Have you ever read that book "Why men marry bitches?" It's the same thing with women - they LOVE bad boys and those guys that drive them NUTS. It's pathetic. But it's the reality. I'm trying to change that reality by being more cautious the next time a guy asks me out.

[leap83]

Intensity over intimacy... It does sound like your figuring it out. What makes you a passive CP?

 

Passive CP - I'm usually on the receiving end. I tend to have unrealistic dreams and fantasies about the relationship. I only see what I choose to see - usually only the good things, ignoring the bad things, red flags, etc. I tend to always want reassurance and I always feel insecure. So to give you an example

 

I know you love me. Deep down. Yet I would need you to say it constantly. So I would be like "Do you love me?" You would say "Yes. I do" and I would be like "Why do you love me?" And after you tell me why you love me, that still wouldn't be enough. I would still feel insecure.

 

I tend to try and fix things - things that are not fixable. I live in my fantasies. So everything is bad in a relationship, yet I fantasize about marriage, children, etc. I tend to talk about this a lot - I would tell everyone that I want a good marriage and children. Yet, I'm scared of getting bored and being trapped in that "boring" marriage - like housewife, etc. I'm clingy. I have attachment issues - I get attached too early, too fast. I never take a step back and re-evaluate the whole situation.

 

Also, when I'm in a relationship with someone who is an active commitmenophobic, I have this tendency to smother them. I want to show off that I'm perfect in every way, very early on (which really doesn't make sense). I let them control me. It becomes pathetic. I suffer. Get my heart broken. And off I go and find another unavailable man. I also have tendency to seek out unavailable men - either emotionally or in general unavailable (in relationships) - now this was not the case with me ever, but I do tend to find emotionally unavailable men... men who can't love... men who believe they will never be able to love.... and yet I stick around. It's a constant pattern. A vicious cycle.

 

And one more thing: if a relationship ends, I tend to dwell on it (like I'm dwelling on this one) and I find it hard to move on. I analyze every bit of it and think it's all my fault (when it's not). I find excuses as to why something didn't work. I go through ex. "If I only got that dog then, he would still be with me"; "If I were prettier, he would be with me" etc.

 

Edit: Just like in this relationship - I tried to fix things. He was emotionally unavailable - it was evident from the beginning, yet I stuck around. Our second date, gave me a huge flag he wasn't emotionally ready. Something felt off about him. Yet I didn't listen to my gut feeling. He warned me. I didn't listen. He told me he would hurt me. I ran towards it (ie he pulled away, I smothered him).

[thelipless]

Its good to see the effort you put into this thread.

 

HOWEVER

 

I have NO idea what CP stands for...

[leap83]

Its good to see the effort you put into this thread.

 

HOWEVER

 

I have NO idea what CP stands for...

 

Commitmenophobic. Someone who fears commitments either in relationships or in life in general.

[GrayClouds]

Passive CP - I'm usually on the receiving end. I tend to have unrealistic dreams and fantasies about the relationship. I only see what I choose to see - usually only the good things, ignoring the bad things, red flags, etc. I tend to always want reassurance and I always feel insecure. So to give you an example

 

I know you love me. Deep down. Yet I would need you to say it constantly. So I would be like "Do you love me?" You would say "Yes. I do" and I would be like "Why do you love me?" And after you tell me why you love me, that still wouldn't be enough. I would still feel insecure.

 

I tend to try and fix things - things that are not fixable. I live in my fantasies. So everything is bad in a relationship, yet I fantasize about marriage, children, etc. I tend to talk about this a lot - I would tell everyone that I want a good marriage and children. Yet, I'm scared of getting bored and being trapped in that "boring" marriage - like housewife, etc. I'm clingy. I have attachment issues - I get attached too early, too fast. I never take a step back and re-evaluate the whole situation.

 

Also, when I'm in a relationship with someone who is an active commitmenophobic, I have this tendency to smother them. I want to show off that I'm perfect in every way, very early on (which really doesn't make sense). I let them control me. It becomes pathetic. I suffer. Get my heart broken. And off I go and find another unavailable man. I also have tendency to seek out unavailable men - either emotionally or in general unavailable (in relationships) - now this was not the case with me ever, but I do tend to find emotionally unavailable men... men who can't love... men who believe they will never be able to love.... and yet I stick around. It's a constant pattern. A vicious cycle.

 

And one more thing: if a relationship ends, I tend to dwell on it (like I'm dwelling on this one) and I find it hard to move on. I analyze every bit of it and think it's all my fault (when it's not). I find excuses as to why something didn't work. I go through ex. "If I only got that dog then, he would still be with me"; "If I were prettier, he would be with me" etc.

 

Edit: Just like in this relationship - I tried to fix things. He was emotionally unavailable - it was evident from the beginning, yet I stuck around. Our second date, gave me a huge flag he wasn't emotionally ready. Something felt off about him. Yet I didn't listen to my gut feeling. He warned me. I didn't listen. He told me he would hurt me. I ran towards it (ie he pulled away, I smothered him).

 

 

I am impressed...Now how to put the insight into action...that the part that get me.

[caramel c]

Is it the challenge of a CP that women go for, is a guy who wants to commit found boring?

 

It seems like typically, these guys appear like they CAN commit because (at least in my case) he had NO problem steering the relationship towards the future through words and actions both.

[leap83]

I am impressed...Now how to put the insight into action...that the part that get me.

 

How? Well, it's not simple.

 

First thing is to cut off all contact with this guy. Stay away from him for awhile, until I'm completely healed and able to handle anything that comes my way.

 

Second thing is counseling. Acknowledging these issues is a BIG step. The next big step is to stop this pattern by starting to pick the RIGHT men. That means no more ignoring red flags + no more fantasies = NO HURT. I honestly don't want to be hurt anymore. As soon as I feel like something is off or there is HUGE red flag waving in front of me, I will say "Thank you very much for your time. I wish you all the best, but you're not for me." End of story. Cut it RIGHT AWAY.

 

Counseling will help me gain more confidence. My insecurities seem to stem from my childhood - lack of love from my father.

 

Just being honest will help me. I have to be honest with myself. I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the beginning of the relationship and the man I choose. I have to make sure I'm steady on the ground and not floating around in my fantasies. I have to LISTEN, listen, listen to EVERYTHING they say and keep whatever I have to say to myself at the start. So more listening, less talking.

 

This should get me on the right track. As soon as I notice drama, I'm out. I don't need that. I don't want that. I have to become comfortable with myself and my own life. He has his own life, I have my own and we're together. I have to be comfortable to be alone. So, it's about building my self-esteem and making myself what I wanted to be all along. It's about taking the fantasies and making them realities. It's a long road. I have already started to do some of it and sometimes it hurts having to do what I've been doing. These transformations hurt. But you know what?! In the end, I will stop being hurt maliciously by these men.

 

It's a long road. I might get tired and want to give up, but I'm determined to work this out by the end of this year. I'm determined to resolve the internal conflict within me. I feel it's about time.

[leap83]

It seems like typically, these guys appear like they CAN commit because (at least in my case) he had NO problem steering the relationship towards the future through words and actions both.

 

Yes you're right about this one. They APPEAR. They have a MASK.

 

An example: I asked my guy this: "When you met me, were you looking for a fling or a long term relationship?" and he said "A long term relationship. I want a long term relationship." He wants it yet he fears it.

 

When talking about future.... he said to me "I want 2 kids and a house with a porch" (exactly what I want). It's words that keep you thinking he is ready to commit. The actions though don't match up.

[leap83]

Also I forgot to add:

 

They're almost always unhappy. Unhappy about their job, their family, their life in general. They sulk in misery. Why are they unhappy? Because they always believe they deserve better and can find better - perfect is the word I'm looking for. My guy was a mix of narcissistic and claustrophobic CP - having tendency to lean towards one or the other. They believe there is ALWAYS something better around the corner. Something PERFECT. They believe in "soul mates" yet they're never happy if they do meet someone who might be in fact the right person for them.

 

They're also CONSUMED in their thoughts. They might tell you they love you, but there is always "but...." in their head. They're CONSTANTLY looking for a way out. Some of them go to the extremes - they enter a relationship and right from the start, they plan on how to break it off. My guy wasn't so extreme but he was pre-occupied with analyzing and thinking about everything and anything.

 

One night we were sitting and enjoying the silence, when he says to me "What are you thinking about?" I said "Nothing in particular" (I really wasn't thinking anything). He says "You look like you're thinking about something." And I was like "Thinking about what?" He says "I don't know." This came up ALL the time. We would kiss and he would ask me what I'm thinking about (even though I wasn't thinking of anything in particular... just enjoying the moment). They never seem like they can relax and enjoy the moment. They're constantly worried, but pretend they're not.

 

When I say over analysis - I mean breaking down relationship into small bits and pieces. They feel guilty... oh yes they do. And sometimes they admit it. My guy thought he would never be able to give me what I deserve (he's right on that one) and he felt guilty all the time about that.

[westrock]

Leap, you have made some great observations with your comments. Thanks for sharing your experiences and insight.

 

My understanding is that the attachment issue that the passive-CP experiences usually manifests itself from a fear of abandonment. At some point when a passive-CP was little, some event occurred that caused them to feel abandoned in their primary relationship (the relationship with your parents).

 

My insecurities seem to stem from my childhood - lack of love from my father.

 

You're lucky that you can identify the source of your insecurities. For others, it may be something very minor that they cannot pinpoint or even recall as an adult. For example, if the passive-CP's parents dropped them off at a relative's house for the weekend, they may have wrongly interpreted it as their parents abandoning them. As adults we know intellectually that we were not abandoned, but as a child the passive-CP made wrong conclusions and the emotional impact affects them today to the point they fear being abandoned in their primary relationship (that with their romantic partner). Whether or not the passive-CP was actually abandoned or not is probably not relevent anymore. What's important is that the passive-CP felt that they were abandoned.

 

I tend to always want reassurance and I always feel insecure. So to give you an example

 

I know you love me. Deep down. Yet I would need you to say it constantly. So I would be like "Do you love me?" You would say "Yes. I do" and I would be like "Why do you love me?" And after you tell me why you love me, that still wouldn't be enough. I would still feel insecure.

 

Because of the fear the passive-CP experienced during their childhood within their primary relationship (their parents), as they grow up and enter into adult romantic relationships, their childhood abandonment fears manifest themselves again and they have difficulty believing their partners when the partner tells the passive-CP that they love them. The passive-CP's fears cause them to doubt such expressions of love. Paradoxically, the very act of the partner expressing their love to the passive-CP triggers the abandonment fear in the passive-CP. Essentially, the passive-CP is afraid that they may be abandoned once again. Hence, the passive-CP seeks out increasing levels of reassurance from their partner and eventually the passive-CP becomes what is known as "needy".

 

Intellectually, the passive-CP knows that their partner loves them but emotionally they have difficulty because of the unresolved childhood fears.

 

As long as the passive-CP has the unresolved childhood fears of abandonment, no amount of reassurance by their current romantic partner will be able to heal the childhood fears of the passive-CP. If the passive-CP doesn't understand the true source of their insecurities, they will continue looking to their partner to resolve the insecurity when they should be looking to themselves and more particularly their childhood.

 

Acknowledging these issues is a BIG step.

 

I agree. In order to deal with this, the passive-CP needs to acknowledge that the cause of their current feelings of insecurity is their unresolved childhood wounds that are being triggered by the events of the current romantic relationship.

 

Once the passive-CP acknowledges the cause, the next step is to heal those unresolved childhood woods. This is easier said than done. But, the good news is that as an adult we have the ability to look back on our childhood from the perspective as an adult and we can come to different conclusions as to what really happened: 1. we weren't actually abandoned at all, we just misinterpreted what really happened because we were too little to understand, or 2. if we were actually abandoned at the time, we can understand what happened, and we can recognise that we actually survived the abandonment and we've made it to adulthood despite everything and we are now mature enough to examine what happened. The effect of reaching a different conclusion is that we become less dependent on our partner for assurance which results in us increasing our internal self-esteem.

 

The next big step is to stop this pattern by starting to pick the RIGHT men.

 

The interesting question is why then does the passive-CP keep picking a CP as a romantic partner?

 

I believe the reason is that as long as the passive-CP has unresolved childhood fears, they will subconsciously pick a partner that supports their abandonment fears such that there is always an element of abandonment in the relationship. It is no co-incidence that the active-CP person is actually the best person to fit this scenario. As long as the passive-CP has unresolved feelings, the subconscious thinks that the "RIGHT" person is actually another CP. In essesence, the passive-CP and the active-CP are co-dependent on each other, until one breaks the pattern and at that time the passive-CP subconsciously begins to understand that "RIGHT" is a partner who supports "love" rather than "abandonment".

[mimiminx]

It seems like typically, these guys appear like they CAN commit because (at least in my case) he had NO problem steering the relationship towards the future through words and actions both.

 

Absolutely. Mine was ALL about our relationship and steering it towards marriage, children, the future by words and actions both as well. He asked me to marry him, told his family about it, bought me a ring. ALL about the relationship... except when it got too tough or not "perfect" enough. Then he backed away. I was the one hesitant to get in the relationship, I was the one hesitant to move in with him, I was the one who said we should wait a little longer to get married. BUT, I truly want those things and I did all those things when the time was right. They all happened... except the marriage part, only because he ended it. This doesn't make sense. I have the book too although it doesn't make me feel much better.

[westrock]

Mimi,

 

I read your other thread, and I don't intend to threadjack Leap's thread here, but the following words in your post here stood out to me:

 

I was the one hesitant to get in the relationship, I was the one hesitant to move in with him, I was the one who said we should wait a little longer to get married. BUT, I truly want those things and I did all those things when the time was right.

 

I may be misunderstanding your situation, but IMO your description about your actions seem to describe someone who is an active CP.

 

Mine was ALL about our relationship and steering it towards marriage, children, the future by words and actions both as well. He asked me to marry him, told his family about it, bought me a ring.

 

These words don't really describe someone who is actively CP.

 

ALL about the relationship... except when it got too tough or not "perfect" enough. Then he backed away.

 

Is it possible he got tired of your hesitating all the time?

 

This doesn't make sense. I have the book too although it doesn't make me feel much better.

 

You know your situation best so I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into your analysis of your situation, and if i'm misinterpretting it, please let me know. Is it possible that you are the one who is the active CP and your ex is not actively CP (or more likely he is passive-CP) ?

 

/end thread-jack

[seoa]

I may be misunderstanding your situation, but IMO your description about your actions seem to describe someone who is an active CP.

 

....Is it possible that you are the one who is the active CP and your ex is not actively CP (or more likely he is passive-CP) ?

Nope - Mimi is right, these are active-CP indicators... My ex was the same...

 

The underlying CP issue is 'fear of rejection', so it's quite common for them to want to lock things down insanely quickly... Mine was talking about shopping for engagement rings after 3 weeks, I was the one saying "erm, I love that idea, let's revisit it in a few months". He was engaged to his first wife within 4 weeks, I wasn't willing to risk a repeat of that...!

 

I've got 'He's Scared, She's Scared' on order, because I want to check I wasn't colluding - but I really don't think that I was. I have pretty healthy self-esteem, and I challenged behaviours that weren't OK - he admitted to the phobic physical reactions about 2-3 months in, and went to see his therapist, which seemed to help. He was really working on his issues, but unfortunately we (I) didn't discover about CP until after we broke up, so we were mostly dealing with symptoms /behaviours rather than the root cause.

[mimiminx]

Mimi,

 

I read your other thread, and I don't intend to threadjack Leap's thread here, but the following words in your post here stood out to me:

 

 

 

I may be misunderstanding your situation, but IMO your description about your actions seem to describe someone who is an active CP.

 

 

 

These words don't really describe someone who is actively CP.

 

 

 

Is it possible he got tired of your hesitating all the time?

 

 

 

You know your situation best so I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into your analysis of your situation, and if i'm misinterpretting it, please let me know. Is it possible that you are the one who is the active CP and your ex is not actively CP (or more likely he is passive-CP) ?

 

/end thread-jack

 

Nope, Seoa answered the question for me actually. I'm definitely not in fear of commitment. I am very happy with it.

[leap83]

westrock: Thank you for your reply. Yes. My father acted like a jerk, but I was never really around him and he left my mom and me pretty early - when I was only 8 months. I don't remember any of it. However, I seem to pick the men that fit his personality. That's how I concluded that he was the root cause of my insecurities. Not to mention the cheating in the previous relationship - this made me lose complete trust in anyone. It took me about a year and a bit to get over that relationship and he still thinks he can control me by contacting me through Fb. It's very annoying. However, I gathered the strength to say "no" every time he contacted me.

 

As for this guy, he truly could be an amazing individual. So much potential in everything he does... so much dedication... yet, I have no idea what triggered him to become this. I don't know his full life history. All I know is that his parents are together, they're not workoholics at all, he has 4 siblings... The only part where I think might be a problem is here: when we talked about his dad, he had high opinions of him - it was like he was looking up to him and if he didn't attain what his dad attained, he would be screwed for the rest of his life. His mother on the other hand is a very nice woman who according to him "smothered" him with love. He gave a couple of examples - he would come from school and then she would ask him whether he wants something to eat, take his bag, turn on a TV, etc. He would tell her to leave him alone. He moved out when he was 18 (according to him because of this). Now, I don't know what else has been happening in his family. I know that his brother is about to get married. My guy went to this ceremony before the wedding and he said something that really confused me at the time "Seeing her (bride) talk about my brother the way she did made a cold-hearted bastard like me start to cry. It's pretty bad. It's good to see that someone has THAT MUCH love for another human being and I was jealous. He has everything I don't. They bought a house. They bought a dog. He's living his dream."

 

I didn't know what to say to that really....

 

I don't think he knows what is wrong with him. I really don't. I'm sick and tired of playing "Red Cross" all the time and trying to help them, but he means a lot to me (which makes it very unfortunate). I don't know what to tell you. I want to send him this book - he reads tons and let him read it. But I have a feeling like he'll shrug it off.

 

He tried going to a psychologist but he says it didn't work. When it came to letting out his feelings, it didn't help. So I stopped concentrating on him... Started to focus on myself.

 

He never treated me badly. That's not the point here. He just ran off - which could be considered as treating me badly. But IMO it's better he did that now, than later. But our relationship was very nice before this tug of war started. He also mentioned that "slowing things down" would have helped. But he was the one making them fast. I don't think he realizes that.

[leap83]

Nope - Mimi is right, these are active-CP indicators... My ex was the same...

 

The underlying CP issue is 'fear of rejection', so it's quite common for them to want to lock things down insanely quickly... Mine was talking about shopping for engagement rings after 3 weeks, I was the one saying "erm, I love that idea, let's revisit it in a few months". He was engaged to his first wife within 4 weeks, I wasn't willing to risk a repeat of that...!

 

I've got 'He's Scared, She's Scared' on order, because I want to check I wasn't colluding - but I really don't think that I was. I have pretty healthy self-esteem, and I challenged behaviours that weren't OK - he admitted to the phobic physical reactions about 2-3 months in, and went to see his therapist, which seemed to help. He was really working on his issues, but unfortunately we (I) didn't discover about CP until after we broke up, so we were mostly dealing with symptoms /behaviours rather than the root cause.

 

Do you think talking about the root cause and concentrating on that would have helped your relationship?