In search of peace and happiness: Battling issues from the past (LONG)

[leap83]

Hello everyone,

 

So, I have been posting on here for a month now and I want to thank everyone with whom I've communicated for all of your support through this emotional rollercoaster. After destroying every bit of chance I had with an incredible individual today (read the phone convo: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201035/), I have decided that enough is enough - I'm on the road to recovery and I hope all of you will help me through this (or that I will help some of you who have gone through similar experiences). I really need your support because it is about time to start living my life and have a healthy relationship. So, I'm going to tell you about my past and then tell you EXACTLY what I plan on working on for the next 6 months. This might be long (I want you to really see what I went through and hopefully some of you will relate) so bear with me:

 

My past: I was in a 4 year relationship that ended last year in May. Let's call him "B". The beginning of our relationship was like any other - went through the honeymoon stage and everything was nice. We fell in love after a couple of months. After about a year and a half, problems started to surface. They were there before, but I was too blind to see them. We fought constantly for the next 3 years - about everything you can think of. Some time in our 2nd year of relationship, he went on a blind date with his buddy - he said he wanted to be the wing-man. I wasn't feeling comfortable with this, since the girl he was paired up with liked him a lot. But he went anyway. My trust in him was completely shattered. My life was taking off so I started to become more independent and got a job as a journalist where I met an incredible guy (we had a lot in common) who just happened to be my boss. We developed a very close relationship (friendship) but B didn't believe and he thought I cheated on him. I broke up with him that night because I thought he was being absurd. We got back together 3 weeks later. Believe me, if I knew what I was going into, I wouldn't have gone back to him. The next month he called me every name under the sun, he manipulated me (I was in love with him so I did everything in my power to meet in the middle), he told his friends to pick on me, his best friend sent me a threatening e-mail saying how B is a fabulous guy, how I'm a bitch and I don't deserve B's respect, honesty or love. His friends made sure I felt uncomfortable. He made sure to destroy my confidence level. Then we broke up - he cheated on me with a girl 6 years younger than him.

 

I was a fool. Out of my mind. I thought I would never meet anyone like him. I put him on the pedestal. I made him use me and emotionally abuse me. Then I went back to him again after he broke up with that girl and said he "loved" me. The next year was nothing but hell - we fought CONSTANTLY, he kept insulting me to the point where I actually believed everything he was saying was the truth - I was useless piece of crap, broken, lost soul, mindless bitch, a whore, stupid, etc. He controlled me. We went on a vacation in May and it was the worst vacation of my life. I sat on the beach and wondered wth I was doing and then I decided that I need a reason to get out. My friend, who is hacker, hacked into B's e-mail account and found enormous amounts of e-mail from the girl he cheated on me with (mind you, recent e-mails) and when I got the proof I needed, I was out. I walked away. That was at the end of May.

 

Path to recovery: My confidence level was ruined. I felt insecure and alone. I felt like a loser. I was weak. I pushed my friends away from me but they didn't let me. I didn't trust people anymore. I didn't think I would be able to love again. These feelings lasted for a year and they're still present in my life.

 

New relationship: Let's call him "M". When I met M, my life changed. I didn't realize it at that time because I didn't expect anything to come out of it. I gave up on finding love and let myself sulk in misery, until my friends signed me up to an online dating site in April. I decided to meet a guy from there a month later, without much expectations. He sounded interesting. When I saw him, I knew I was in deep trouble (emotionally). M and I started to see each other and he turned out to be everything I ever wanted in a man - kind, sweet, honest, intelligent, hard-working, not too serious, fun. I quickly started to realize that I'm falling for him. That's where the problems started - I started to freak out. Somehow I think he sensed it too, because I would pull back then be close again. He was distant because his past relationship wasn't any different than mine - we literally went through the same thing. Then I started to notice that I don't trust him. He didn't give me ANY reason not to trust him, yet I thought he would leave me, that I was just some fling - I felt VERY insecure (he didn't give me any reason to feel like this though - he treated me properly). He was honest about his issues and told me that he has trouble dealing with his past. I wasn't honest with him. He thought we should break it off before we jeopardize the long term relationship because we were both emotionally unhealthy. I didn't believe him. I thought he didn't want to be with me. We talked through the issues for weeks (literally) and he was with me every step of the way. He drove for an hour and a half to see me and talk about this; he spent enormous amounts of time trying to rationalize everything with me; he showed enormous dedication - after all of that I STILL didn't trust him. The issue was within me - it wasn't him. It was ME.

 

After he said he saw a future with me and sees potential with me, wants to be with me when he's emotionally healthy and thinks I'm the perfect girl for him, I thought he was bull****ting. Most men do that. However, I was wrong. Ultimately, it made me push him away EVEN more. My insecurities made me panic... lack of trust which he noticed, made me hurt him. And ultimately, it led me to the phone conversation I had mentioned above (happened today). There's no chance for us now - I made sure of that. Subconsciously I made sure I destroy everything between us. He was right when he said like he feels something is off but can't pinpoint what - it was me and MY issues.

 

What next: I'm walking away from him. Bailing on him just like I did when he needed comfort, assurance and love. Why? Because I believe that if I stick around, I will destroy him and everything we had (I already did but whatever's left of it anyway). I need to stay away from relationships right now and deal with: trust, insecurity, attachment issues, fear of abandonment and repair myself fully. I can't be friends with him. I can't be with him. So I'm walking away. I know there is no hope for us anymore. I'm seeing him in 2 weeks at which point I plan on telling him this. It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, but I can't even look at him now, knowing that I have hurt him, disappointed him, lied to him, and not trusted him. I can't forgive myself and I don't think he will be able to forgive me either.

 

I will write in this thread as I cope with these issues and try to improve myself. I hope this will help someone out there in the same position. Sorry for the length, but your support would be much appreciated. I'm open to any questions you may have and I will try to answer them honestly. That's the only way I see myself being able to heal. I don't want pity - I really want you all to spill it on me. Only way I can properly work on these issues.

[Rudderless]

Hi leap

 

I can tell you're a journalist or similar, you write really well

 

It's obvious you've been in emotional turmoil for some time, and I can see why you would end up with a lack of confidence. I think it's a good idea that you take some time out - relax for a bit, do some things to take your mind off it all and get some perspective. I know how tough it is because I've been there, but I'm sure you'll find a way to muddle through

 

I read your other thread on the phone call. The thing is you write this:

knowing that I have hurt him, disappointed him, lied to him, and not trusted him. I can't forgive myself and I don't think he will be able to forgive me either.

This simply isn't true, I think you are outside of perspective on this. I think the way he acted and what he said was slightly manipulative. He left you hanging and then expected you to act patiently. It wasn't supposed to be a test which you pass or fail. You had an issue which manifested itself in a silly argument and you both couldn't to resolve it together in a calm and healthy manner. But really, the argument, and what was said isn't that big a deal when you look at it from a reasoned perspective.

I told you I would call you in a couple of weeks... but you never gave me the opportunity to do so - you called me even though I was planning on calling you. You didn't trust me. Then we talked again and I told you I would call you after my trip and you called me first AGAIN - not giving me an opportunity to show you that I meant what I said. I don't mind you calling me first... but you never gave me the time. You didn't let me prove it to you that I will call you. You assumed. Didn't trust me. I was hoping on seeing you when I came back. I planned on calling you. And here we go again. You don't trust me.

He's simply wrong, and making a huge deal out of nothing. If you two worked well together he would have calmed it down not turned everything into a huge deal about YOUR issues. How the hell are you supposed to build trust with someone that wanders off for a couple of weeks to get his head straight? That's some pretty unrealistic demands he's putting on you, he expects you to give him space and infinite patience for his issues, but then turns around and makes a big deal out of yours!!

[leap83]

Hi Rudderless,

 

Thank you for responding here as well. You've been of immense help for me and I can't thank you enough.

 

Thank you for the compliment. If you knew English is not my first language but 6th, would it make a difference?

 

Yes. He should have acted calm when I confronted him about it. But he didn't. When I called, he was already upset and frustrated by my message and the matching system for the dating site - why would he even mention that?! You're right - he asked me for patience but when it came to patience with me, he didn't give me anything. He knows I have issues and am not perfect. He knows about my past. Yet he chooses to think that I can deal with everything on my own and doesn't understand when he sees me in emotional turmoil.

 

Frankly, I called him because he said he would call me in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks came and no phone call. I didn't want to wait another week because I missed him so I called him - I wanted it over already and wanted him to tell me to get out of his life. That's what I expected. What ended up happening is that we talked for a long time and he said he missed me; then he said it would be difficult to see me right now because of the feelings he has and then he said he didn't see me as a friend. I don't think he knows WHAT he wants. And I don't need that. I need someone who is emotionally stable and able to replicate the feelings not run away from them (because that's exactly what he did - ran away as soon as things started to get serious).

 

I don't want to believe that he is a bad person. I rarely hate someone (actually I don't ever hate anyone) and I'd like to believe that I have learned something from this whole ordeal. When and if he calls me after his trip, I will think about whether to answer the phone or not (or take my bloody time answering to the message). If I answer, I'll remain calm and listen to everything he has to say without much involvement in the conversation and then I'll decide how exactly, put in very nice words, to tell him to get out of my life and move on.

 

I'm taking time off dating. I seem to pick the same men over and over again - it's a pattern - they're all unloved, broken, either come from broken families or broken relationships that have scarred them for the rest of their lives and they think they won't be able to love again, and play the victim role in the relationship. It's typical of my dad, except I was never close to him so I have no idea where and/or how I learned to pick out men that resemble him.

[leap83]

Btw, I forgot to mention that this guy has a controlling personality. It's the way he is. He likes to be in control of everything. I remember one time when we were together he said that he is out of control when he's with me. He didn't like this and I could tell (otherwise why would he tell me this?!). This was about a month and a half ago.

[cecile]

i have a similar problem with my dad as well. i wonder whether its true as the adage goes, that women seem to pick out men similar to their dads. or whether women with bad relationships with their dads tend to manifest that in their romantic lives. it all sounds so helpless and powerless to me.

 

my insight tells me that control is anything other than love. yet, we all do it because we essentially have those human feelings. as far as anything goes in the overall scheme; so long as these behaviors dissolve on a basis that is congruent with progress in life -- then, it is intentionally a chosen behavior. this means that the person realizes his or her behavior, possibly where it stems from, and decides to keep the patterns anyway.

 

through life and encounters, we learn what is right when dealing with people. it's all part of growth.

 

it sounds like him telling you that he feels out of control with you is controlling, sweet though it may sound. i'd say when he, you, or anyone is feeling such a way, enter a fruitful, productive and resourceful state of mind. (so that you, him, anyone is sitting in the power of your being and sharing that energy)