trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 So heres the thing, me and my boyfriend had been together for almost 13 years, I was 15, he was 18 when we met, and we have a 3 year old son. For the last year and a half he has suffered from depression and on thursday night he came into the house a totlly different man, he said that he didn't love me anymore and had no feelings for me, obvoiusly I am devestated by this. He then went to stay with his mum. Today I asked him to come around to talk about our son and he did but I also got onto the subject of our relationship, I asked him when he stoped loving me and he said that there is still a part of him that does love me so I replyed that we could try and make it work, to which he replyed that he just didn't have it in him yet to do that. So I said fine and didn't push the subject due to his illness. Now the thing is he has been acting like I have ended the relationship, although I am worried about him because ALL of his family are giving him grief about this because as I was brought up in care and have been with him so long I have grown very close to them all, 2 of his sisters can't even look at him and his mum seems just as devestated as me about it all. What I just don't understand is if there is a small amount of love there still why he is refusing to even try, this is the only time that we have broke up. I keep thinking (or hoping) that maybe he is just on a major downer and maybe in a couple of weeks time he will come home. Another thing is that while he was here today I asked him to take his things, while he was putting his stuff in the car I went for a walk and when I got back he was gone, but he has left half of his stuff?? which I don't understand because it would easy have fit in the car. Anyway sorry to ramble on, but I would like to know your thoughts on this.
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Depression is an ugly black dog and it colors everything about how he is seeing the world. It's not him talking, it's the depression talking. Is he getting treatment?
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Yes he is on anti- depessants but we are not sure if it is the right ones for him and he is still waiting to see a physiatrist
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Getting the right dosage and mixture of anti-depressants (SSRIs) can be a monumentally difficult task. Sometimes it can take months and months to get it all figured out. Many of them also take a fair amount of time to actually start working so it's not like he can try one type for a couple of days and see how it goes. Once his doctor as the proper dosage/mixture combination figured out, he'll probably be advised to take cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Accurate medication, combined with CBT, can make a tremendous difference. Just remember, he's not thinking clearly. When I said, "It's not him talking, it's the depression talking," I wasn't kidding. At the moment, his thinking is muddled and confused. But once he's on a good regime of SSRIs and CBT, that will help clear his head and he'll actually be able to think with some clarity.
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Thankyou, I really hope your right, I have never seen him so cold and distant even since he has been suffering with depresion, at the moment I am keeping an eye on him via his family because I can not face him at the moment as everytime I do he either tells me that he doesn't love me or like today that a part of him still does. His family think that I am daft for waiting and tell me that he isn't worth it after how he has treated me the last few days and that he has told me he doesn't want to be with me so I should just take that for what it is, but like I said he just seems like a different person to me and after spending everyday for the past 13 years together I know him inside out.
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I have just checked as I have a box in the cupboard still and he is currenlty on 20mg Citalopram
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I can't speak to whether the Citalopram will work for him or not, there's no way for me to know the answer to that. But at least it's a start. Other than his family members, do you have someone you can talk with? A good friend, a therapist, someone? Reason I ask is that it's excruciatingly difficult to live with someone with depression. *edited to add* Here's a link I found which might answer some of your questions about his meds: http://www.medicinenet.com/citalopram/article.htm
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 No, I don't have any family around me, only his and they have been fantastic with me and my son. I know I shouldn't but I do feel sorry for him where his family are concearned as they all seem to be pressuring him to get back with me and I don't want this because if it is like you say and it is the illness then this could make him worse.
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Impossible to say if it would make things better or worse for him. But I'd suggest that you could mention to his family that pressuring him right now isn't going to do any good, he may just dig in his heels harder even if it's not the right thing for him to do (remember, he's not thinking clearly and may not be able to make a cogent, rational decision). Also, bear in mind that it's not his fault, it's not a character weakness, it's not "karma" or "god wreaking vengeance" or any such nonsense like that. It's a biochemical disturbance in his brain, not much different than a diabetic having a biochemical disturbance in the pancreas. I sincerely wish you well. This is a tough situation and he's lucky to have you (even if he doesn't see it at the moment).
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Thankyou, you have been a great help, I did do alot of research into depression when he was diagnosed which is why I am so worried about his family making it worse. He knows how I feel, but at the same time I am not getting my hopes up to high and am trying to except that it is over between us.
Thaddeus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 ...but at the same time I am not getting my hopes up to high and am trying to except that it is over between us.Wait a sec, hold the phone here. Remember, he's not thinking rationally. I would hate to see you leave the relationship based on what he might say in his irrational state.
Author trixie21 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 No he has already said that is over between us, what I meant is that I am trying to prpare myself for the worst and that he could actually mean what he is saying, but no, I love him more than anything (well apart from our son) and I am not going to give on him untill I know 100% that this is what he wants.
PinkToes Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 My ex was depressed for years and managed fairly well on anti-depressants (and there are a lot of options beyond SSRIs as I've been on most of them) until he went through a series of things that triggered bipolar. It took a lot of experimenting with different medications before he found the right combination, but he is now doing quite well. In your case, it was definitely his illness talking, so try not to take it personally. If he isn't responding to the medication he's taking, hopefully his doc will make adjustments that will help him feel himself again. It's also important for him to be committed to getting better, as this process can take a lot of patience and trial & error. Meanwhile, try to stay strong and look after yourself until you know what's really going on with him. He sounds like he's really struggling. Take care.
Author trixie21 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thankyou to both of you for taking the time to reply, I have had a good sleep ( I am in the u.k) and have thought about everything that you have said. It has really helped to talk to someone who is not dirrectly affected with the situation as all of his family are too angry at the moment to try and rationalise his behaviour. He is having his son over night tonight ( he is still living with his mumat the moment) I am not sure if he is coming over for him or he will send his sister but if he comes i will try to put my feelings aside while he his there and be there for him as a friend. I just hope tha one day he will wake up and realise that he made a mistake and if he does I will never hold this against him because like you said if it is the illness then he isn't in control at the moment. I am also going to try and speek to his dotor today to explain the situation and my concerns. Thankyou
Author trixie21 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Well he came around to pick our son up for a few hours, I didn't show any of what I was feeling but instead asked if he was alright and if he had taken his medication and he has, he seems a lot more relaxed today, he then asked if I waned some money so I could go into town for a couple of hours and treat myself to something, while I am think why the hell do you want to give me money to go shopping? this is something that he does alot when we was together. Today he seems to be acting like we are still together which is very confusing for me and I am trying sooo hard to stop myself from begging him to come home. Anyway I am feeling alot clearer since poting on this forum and I hope with all of my heart that you are right, I just want him to know that I am still here for him but am scared that this might send him back down further. He is a brillient father so I should imagine that I will still see him most days. I just don't wont to pressure him as he is getting enough of that from his family like I said. I will proberbly sit down for anther chat next week, providing that he is in the right state of mind then.
PinkToes Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You sound like a very strong woman and you're going to need to muster up all the courage you can to ride this out. From what you've said, it sounds like the man you fell in love with is still there, he may just be spinning out of control at the moment. Without a doctor's evaluation, it's hard to tell exactly what's going on for him. Unless it's fully controlled with medication and/or other therapies, depression is a horrible thing to live with. It can affect every part of your existance with a sense of hopelessness and dark despair, and it isn't unusual to feel irritable most of the time. Before my ex was diagnosed bipolar, his behavior got very erratic; it wasn't the man I'd come to know. And it was very hurtful, but now I know it wasn't him, it was the illness talking. See if you can find a book titled "Is He Depressed or What?" by David B. Wexler. It's an excellent description of certain behaviors that seem to be more unique to men who are depressed. There's even a chapter on how to look after yourself while your partner is going through his stuff. I found it enormously helpful. If you truly love this guy, and it sounds like you do, and your gut tells you to wait it out, I would encourage you to do that. You can get through this, and hopefully you will come back together even stronger.
Author trixie21 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I have had to learn to be strong the hard way, but I won't go into that. Anyway he is coming to see our son again tomorrow, but again I won't mention our relationship, I will just let him know that I am still here for him. Hopefully he will start to feel abit more himself soon. It's just so hard I am still very much inlove with him and I want him to come home but at the same time he says that he doesn't want to be with me.
Author trixie21 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Well it has now been 10 days since he walked out, since I last posted we have had another chat and he is still certain of his desicion. I am just so confused right now and have asked not to come around or phone me because when he does he acts like the break up hasn't happened and just talks to me like he usually would. I have arranged for his sister to come and pick our son up when he wants to see him, I also feel very sorry for our son as he keeps asking where daddy is, you see the thing is just over a week ago he idolised his son but now seems to show very little interest in him, he has only had him 3 times since we split and every time he makes his excuses to leave him with someone else. The last time I spoke to him was because I had mentioned to his sister that I would be changing the house around and getting rid of some pictures and he actually phoned me up to tell me that if i got rid of the pictures to give them to him and actually said " I love them pictures" and after telling me all week that he doesn't love me and then tells me that he loves these pictures I was just like WTF!!!! and he still ahsn't picked up the rest of his stuff. Another thing is that his mum was at my house yesterday for a coffee and said that he will proberbly be back in a couple of weeks beging to come back, why would she say this? Or maybe its just her wishful thinking. Anyway sorry to ramble on
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