Ilovecake Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. 2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness, but you will find a way forward. Just curious what stage of the grieving process you guys are in. Of course we can go back and forth between the stages. I think I’m just at the end of 5 and beginning of stage 6. Today was a good day. I realized I no longer feel any physical attraction towards my ex which put me in an excellent mood. This might change tomorrow but today there are little rays of sunshine.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think I am between 5 and 6. Although I am still raging FURIOUS at her.
moo Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. 2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness, but you will find a way forward. Just curious what stage of the grieving process you guys are in. Of course we can go back and forth between the stages. I think I’m just at the end of 5 and beginning of stage 6. Today was a good day. I realized I no longer feel any physical attraction towards my ex which put me in an excellent mood. This might change tomorrow but today there are little rays of sunshine. I feel that I went through stages 1 to 3 at the same time. Then just 3- anger. Now I'm going back and forth betwen stages 4 and 5.
soheartbroken Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I prefer the 5 stages of abandonment. Obviously similar to the ones you mention, but they factor in that it's the death of relationship, not the death of the person. 1. Shattering: the initial shock, denial, punch-in-the-gut, suicidal, I-can't-live-without-you, fall to your knees feeling. 2. Withdrawal: obviously overlaps with shattering. Wanting to contact the person. Basically like withdrawing from a heroine addiction. You want your "fix" of the person. 3. Internalizing: feeling like a failure, rejected, low self-esteem, unworthy, angry at yourself. Putting them on a pedestal. 4. Rage: this time your anger is directed outward, to your ex or onto others 5. Lifting: haven't read this part cause I'm not there yet! I am definitely on internalizing. I never thought I'd feel like a failure, cause lots of relationships fail...but now I feel rejected, like a terrible person, low self-esteem, unworthy or her, wondering if I'll find anybody just as attractive, maybe she's out of my league etc. And like a failure! I just hope that I can move onto rage. But it's hard because she was such a good person.
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'm not in any one of those stages but would like to inject a comment. Don't be surprised if you don't follow the script. You'll find yourself moving back and forth between stages and as long as you don't get trapped in one stage, it's all good. Glad to hear that you're feeling good today!
caramel c Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Mostly, I'm going back and forth between these stages. It's been about 2 months since the breakup. I haven't settled into just one stage for too long throughout this time. I must say, being angry is kind of fun. I don't really know why. I guess it just feels better to get loud, to vent, to yell and scream to a friend. Once I'm done, I do usually end up laughing. Even though I really want to call and cuss his life out, I won't...
caramel c Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 ...and if I did cuss his life out, it would be in Arabic which is much, much worse...lol
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 ...and if I did cuss his life out, it would be in Arabic which is much, much worse...lolToss a couple of shoes at his picture.
caramel c Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Toss a couple of shoes at his picture. lmao Thats a good one.
Lyssa Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 3.. then 4.. then back to 3... 4, 5... back to 3.. down to 4, 5 then 6. Then I start bargaining again. I have come to accept the loss of my mother but at times, it is still hard and I'd fall back between 3 - 6. I'm slowly accepting it... very slowly.
Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Not in any of the stages at the moment , but I've lived through all 7 at certain times in my life. I would say that list is spot on. Once one reaches number 7, it seems like the process is complete. Mea:)
Thaddeus Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'm all too familiar with the seven stages. I think it's important to realize, though, that it's not nearly as linear as it's often made out to be. A number of posters have already alluded to that, and that was my experience as well.
Beeotch Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Fluctuating between 5, 6 and 7. And I hope it remains that way especially with 7. I DO NOT want to go back to any of the previous stages.
moo Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 ...but now I feel rejected, like a terrible person, low self-esteem, unworthy or her, wondering if I'll find anybody just as attractive, maybe she's out of my league etc. And like a failure! I just hope that I can move onto rage. But it's hard because she was such a good person. as attractive...you mean looks..pretty? I hope you mean on the inside. Inside counts more. Skin is just a shell.
soheartbroken Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 You're right Moo. First and foremost I want to find someone as wonderful as her (hence "she was such a good person"), who will love me and treat me as well as she did, who will feel good in my arms, who I can fall in love with like her (I hate those memories of falling in love...they are so painful!). But let's be honest. 99% of us have to be attracted to someone to want to be intimate with them...and part of what I fear is that I won't find myself attracted to anyone. That she will end up with someone gorgeous, etc, and that my standards will be set too high with her. Please don't think I'm a bad person. I'm just being honest on these forums. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit.
BackonTrack2 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 ending 6, starting 7 it has been 17 months since my event occured.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I've accepted it....but I still sometimes look back and wonder why us? I get the occassional flash of not anger, but frustration/irritation toward him.
Sbrizio Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Hey SHB, i'm in the same place, having the same fears, foreseeing a dark future where i'll be unable to find someone who attracts me, and anyway, they won't be attracted by me. But... i know others who had the same feeling and now are good and happy; and i also know that i felt the same in the past, and nevertheless i was able to fall in love again. Don't paint your future with the colors of your present (easier said than done, of course).
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