Do I now inform his wife?

[juliebea]

I have read a lot of the forums and am hoping to receive advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation to myself. What did they choose to do? I will attempt to make this short:

 

I was introduced to a forces man by a mutual friend, thinking we had similar experiences from our first marriages...(my husband had an affair while i was pregnant and left me for his gf. He had doubts about his wife and bF's while on deployment.)

 

Our relationship started 2 and half years ago, he was on deployment, therefore the initial six months contact was in the form of text, emails and phone, I felt it was a safe and secure way of building up a relationship with someone. When we met face to face, the emotional spark and attraction was there in reality.

We continued to see one another for another six months, until through circumnstances (phone call) I discovered he had been in a relationship the whole time we had been in contact and building a relationship.

He was engaged and his fiance 7 months pregnant. (This is exactly the time in my pregnancy i unfortunatley found out about my husbands affair. I was in shock speaking to his fiance on the phone and refused to answer any of her questions, stating it was his responsibility to inform her of the extent of his relationship with me.)

He phoned me that evening apologising, i was angry and hurt and told him i wanted no further contact.

Three months later, he text asking to meet. I stupidly did as even though i was still hurting, I wanted him to explain and give me reasons for his actions, closure possibly?.

But when we met he informed me that his relationship had ended, although he was still in regular contact with his ex, due to the birth of their baby.He

was living in forces accomodation and would i consider being in some form of contact with him?

You can imagine how plausible his words were, reassuring and extremely caring and remorseful for all his lies and deceit.

Too cut a long story short.... this weekend i have just discovered through the wonder of the internet... he has obviously actually been with her all the time and was recently married to her

.

He told me he was unable to contact me this month from where he was been posted, as he is on training exercise for his deployment next month to afghanistan.

 

He has obviously been in this country, at home and now married......................

I know I am extremelly angry and hurt at the moment, it is not easy to deal with the fact, that i allowed myself to be fooled twice, idiot is not the right word, but i wonder if people can answer two questions.

 

1. How can someone lie and deceive two people.... and marry someone when they are in an affair (although I was unaware I was in that situation with them!!!)

2. I did not want to be the person who informed her of his affair, meetings etc the first time. But at the moment i am feeling i should write her a letter, apologising for my part,(even though I was not aware of their situation) enclosing evidence.......... he has left me hurting and devastated with his ongoing lies! I feel that he should not be allowed to hurt and cause so much pain but continue in his family life with apparent happiness. Why should he be happy?

 

Sorry my head is sore with all the images and how he could possibly commit himself and go through the marriage ceremony, knowing he was having affair...

[torranceshipman]

Tbh, I think it would really be the right thing to tell her - send her evidence. She needs to know what she's married so she can make an informed choice. Much better to tell her than to leave her married to some guy that is a cheater and compulsive liar - that'll also save her future gaslighting, it will save her living through future A's of his that he has with other women, will protect her from the STDs she might pick up from the whole deal, etc, and leave her free to (if she chooses) find a man that actually loves and respects her. I'd tell my best friend, I hope my best friend would tell me if I was in this situation, so in general, I think it is great to treat another woman like a friend and look out for her...telling her the truth would do that. You didn't set out to do anything vindictive whatsoever by getting involved with her H/boyfriend as he always lied to you about that.

[juliebea]

Thanks for your advice, sorry if my story was a bit garbled. I am so confused, lacking sleep and food since discovering, that throughout the emotional roller coaster i have been on for a long time. He has continued to in his relationship.

 

It is torturing me mentally and emotionally that he has been planning and participated fully and lovingly?? in his marriage. Having real difficulty understanding how someone could?

[WalkInThePark]

Yes, in this case you should tell her. I would even say that it is your moral duty. Collect all the evidence you have, otherwise she might not believe you. If possible I would go to her in person so that she sees that you are not some nutcase.

 

Last year, I met a similar con artist. We had a short relationship but certain things just didn't add up. Eventually I contacted his ex-wife. Turned out the guy was living with his steady girlfriend and her kids. He was playing father to her children and she was the ideal victim because she was a widow.

I am normally an emotional person but once I noticed that this guy had lied from day 1 and really made a complete construction to be able to have two women in his life, I was absolutely cool and ruthless. I kept in contact with him for two more weeks so that I had more evidence that something went on between us. Then when he was abroad for a couple of days, I went to his girlfriend with all the emails he had ever written and told her what had happened.

She immediately threw him out and she thanked me for letting her know what he had done.

 

Afterwards he contacted me to tell me that I had betrayed his trust. Hihi, unbelievable isn't it?

 

I managed to get over it rather quickly but in the relationship I had after him, I have noticed that it is very difficult for me to trust someone. I hate the fact that I do it but I do check a lot of things via the internet.

 

BTW, do not blame yourself for having fallen in the trap of a pathological liar. Unfortunately you don't have any defense against such a person. If someone really wants to hide the truth for you, he will do everything possible to avoid that you discover it. If you yourself are a good person who is giving the benefit of the doubt to other people, you are a target. As a friend of mine told me: "It's only a thief who thinks that someone will steal from him."

[juliebea]

I must thankyou for your insightful response. I am just wary in my mind for two reasons......

I still am unsure if i should be the person who divulges about his lies and deceit to both of us, i will be the person causing the pain to her, even though he was the ultimate cause of it all.

 

The other is because i think they have only been married for the time he was meant to be on excercise.. sometime in the last 3 weeks and she has a now 1 year old with him. Do I really want to be person to possibly split the family unit up?!?!

And as you said, you received a response from him regarding your actions. I am worried about how he will respond??

 

Sorry i have been her in my marriage!!! and know the pain and relationship you have with the father of your child..... no matter what they will allows have a part in your life because of the child.

 

I am so confused!?!?

[jwi71]

1. How can someone lie and deceive two people.... and marry someone when they are in an affair (although I was unaware I was in that situation with them!!!)

 

Doesn't matter and asking yourself will not only consume you but remain unanswered. Only this "man" can answer that. Let this go.

 

2. I did not want to be the person who informed her of his affair, meetings etc the first time. But at the moment i am feeling i should write her a letter, apologising for my part,(even though I was not aware of their situation) enclosing evidence.......... he has left me hurting and devastated with his ongoing lies! I feel that he should not be allowed to hurt and cause so much pain but continue in his family life with apparent happiness. Why should he be happy?

 

Your motivations are twisted. Ratting him out to hurt him because he hurt you is just as ugly as what he has done. Don't stoop to his level...no way you wallow in **** and come out smelling clean.

 

Since YOU are posting and NOT his W...my advice is to NOT contact her. What are you going to say "HI, its Jane and I'm still effing your H...here's the photos to prove it"...sorry...nothing good comes of this for YOU. Walk. Never look back.

 

Your homework is to explore yourself. Understand the why's and hows you became involved with him ESPECIALLY given the history.

 

 

 

 

Sorry my head is sore with all the images and how he could possibly commit himself and go through the marriage ceremony, knowing he was having affair...

[sadintexas]

I still am unsure if i should be the person who divulges about his lies and deceit to both of us, i will be the person causing the pain to her, even though he was the ultimate cause of it all.

 

The other is because i think they have only been married for the time he was meant to be on excercise.. sometime in the last 3 weeks and she has a now 1 year old with him. Do I really want to be person to possibly split the family unit up?!?!

 

I'm not usually if favor of an AP to tell the BS, but in the situation, you didn't know.

 

You are not the one brining her pain. He is. You are just giving her information about her own life so she can make an informed decision. And again, YOU would not be the one splitting up the family unit. It's his behavior that's caused this. Not yours.

[Gamine]

Put yourself in her shoes. She needs to know that she is sleeping with the enemy.

 

I don't know if my story (to follow) will be of any comfort to you, but I will share it with you.

 

When I was around 27 years old, I met a man who was dashing, successful, older, and super attentive. He spent quite a bit of time with me, calling me, flowers, Thanksgiving... the whole thing. Oddly, he was so smitten in just 1 month he asked me to marry him. Sharing with my father how much he adored me. Ready to marry me. Me, of course, not wanting to get married and not liking all of this over the top nonsense ended it with him. Certainly I did not love him and didn't want any man who didn't love the true me.

 

In any event I found out about a month or two after ending it with him that he was in fact married with children.

 

This guy wanted to take me to his company's Christmas party. Delusional doesn't even begin to approximate his problems. Successful in business, articulate... but wanted something/someone enough to lie about something I would eventually have to learn about.

 

I often wondered what his next move might have been if I said "yes" to his proposal of marriage.

 

Some guys are psychos. I should have told his wife but did not. I wish I had.

[herenow]

Yes, you should tell his wife.

[fooled once]

I have read a lot of the forums and am hoping to receive advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation to myself. What did they choose to do? I will attempt to make this short:

 

I was introduced to a forces man by a mutual friend, thinking we had similar experiences from our first marriages...(my husband had an affair while i was pregnant and left me for his gf. He had doubts about his wife and bF's while on deployment.)

 

Our relationship started 2 and half years ago, he was on deployment, therefore the initial six months contact was in the form of text, emails and phone, I felt it was a safe and secure way of building up a relationship with someone. When we met face to face, the emotional spark and attraction was there in reality.

We continued to see one another for another six months, until through circumnstances (phone call) I discovered he had been in a relationship the whole time we had been in contact and building a relationship.

He was engaged and his fiance 7 months pregnant. (This is exactly the time in my pregnancy i unfortunatley found out about my husbands affair. I was in shock speaking to his fiance on the phone and refused to answer any of her questions, stating it was his responsibility to inform her of the extent of his relationship with me.)

He phoned me that evening apologising, i was angry and hurt and told him i wanted no further contact.

Three months later, he text asking to meet. I stupidly did as even though i was still hurting, I wanted him to explain and give me reasons for his actions, closure possibly?.

But when we met he informed me that his relationship had ended, although he was still in regular contact with his ex, due to the birth of their baby.He

was living in forces accomodation and would i consider being in some form of contact with him?

You can imagine how plausible his words were, reassuring and extremely caring and remorseful for all his lies and deceit.

Too cut a long story short.... this weekend i have just discovered through the wonder of the internet... he has obviously actually been with her all the time and was recently married to her

.

He told me he was unable to contact me this month from where he was been posted, as he is on training exercise for his deployment next month to afghanistan.

 

He has obviously been in this country, at home and now married......................

I know I am extremelly angry and hurt at the moment, it is not easy to deal with the fact, that i allowed myself to be fooled twice, idiot is not the right word, but i wonder if people can answer two questions.

 

1. How can someone lie and deceive two people.... and marry someone when they are in an affair (although I was unaware I was in that situation with them!!!)

2. I did not want to be the person who informed her of his affair, meetings etc the first time. But at the moment i am feeling i should write her a letter, apologising for my part,(even though I was not aware of their situation) enclosing evidence.......... he has left me hurting and devastated with his ongoing lies! I feel that he should not be allowed to hurt and cause so much pain but continue in his family life with apparent happiness. Why should he be happy?

 

Sorry my head is sore with all the images and how he could possibly commit himself and go through the marriage ceremony, knowing he was having affair...

 

You are only wanting to contact her for revenge.

 

Just let it go.

 

She will find out about him soon enough as I am sure you aren't the only woman who feel prey to him.

 

Your motivation is only to hurt him. Yes he is scum, but she doesn't deserve to have you tell her nor to hear it from you.

[bentnotbroken]

Tell her before she has more kids with this jerk off. Wanna bet he was screwing someone while on deployment?

[silktricks]

. he has left me hurting and devastated with his ongoing lies! I feel that he should not be allowed to hurt and cause so much pain but continue in his family life with apparent happiness. Why should he be happy?

 

I believe your motives for telling his wife are somewhat suspect.

 

Though his wife should know, I don't think you are the person to tell her.

 

Do your part by having no further contact with the man under any circumstances.

[GreenEyedLady]

Tell her before she has more kids with this jerk off. Wanna bet he was screwing someone while on deployment?

 

Ya know, I agree with this and I usually advocate not telling.

 

My bet is he probably has this scam going on with several women.

 

You didn't know, it isn't like you're pissed he dumped you, so you want revenge.

 

Why not do it anonymously if you can?

 

GEL

[juliebea]

I really do appreciate all your advice and for sharing your own experiences.

Another sleepless night...... justifying and reasoning with myself what the next step should be.

 

I know the steps i have to go through as unfortunately have felt this pain in my life before.......... want to wake up without that gut, sickening feeling in the pit off my stomach and for images and thoughts of him being in my thoughts!!

 

My motives might be for revenge at the moment..... that is why i have not done anything as yet. Taking time to think things through before i make maybe the wrong decision?!

[michaeL_yyy]

I really do appreciate all your advice and for sharing your own experiences.

Another sleepless night...... justifying and reasoning with myself what the next step should be.

 

I know the steps i have to go through as unfortunately have felt this pain in my life before.......... want to wake up without that gut, sickening feeling in the pit off my stomach and for images and thoughts of him being in my thoughts!!

 

My motives might be for revenge at the moment..... that is why i have not done anything as yet. Taking time to think things through before i make maybe the wrong decision?!

 

What did you do, eventually? Did you tell his wife? I am in a similar situation and I would like to know what to do.