TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 ...I threw him out. I am now, officially single.
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 'been and gone and done'......
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I'm fine, actually, but he seems reluctant to accept it.... "Threw him out" is probably overstating it.... because.... we share the same apartment, and both our names are on the rental lease. So I have no right to exclude him, or lock him out, or prevent him being here.... And actually, that's not my intention. We've split, but I'm not being a bi*tc*h about it... But he's not taking me seriously, at the moment.... I hate to sound the superior prissy cow, but he knows he's the one with the problem. He was gone about 3 hours this afternoon, and no-one was more surprised when he came back, than I was.... He'd been to see a friend, and admittwed, after some discussion, that he'd been an @$$hole, self-centred, and that basically, there hadn't been a relationship.... just him taking centre stage and me doing all the running around. So: he says he knows he needs to change. he says he knows that it's got to be more than the odd occasional token gesture, and he can't 'play' at it, and pretend that washing up once, and making the odd cup of tea, is going to cut it.... He knows he's been glorying in the limelight of his academic success long enough, and that now, he needs to get a job. Any job. To tide us over. What finally blew me over the edge? He took our last - and I do mean, last - £140.00 and gambled it away. Having hit rock bottom, and finding ourselves at our lowest point - he decided to take us that bit lower. Talk about hitting the self-destruct button..... We're not absolutely destitute, but I've had to cash in my savings account (there's £2,500 in it, which will just cover our used-up overdraft) and I get paid on the 27th.... Until then, though, we have no money. at all. So you can see why I got just a leeeetle bit pi$$y..... Mind you, he tried to give me my engagement ring back, and I said I wasn't ready, at all, to do that. I've changed my passwords on my laptop and PC profiles..... and I'm keeping him very much at arm's length, right now..... So he knows something's not right! he's gonna have to walk the talk, put his money where his mouth is (metaphorically speaking....) and come up with the goods. What is it we say on here.....? Oh yeah.... "Actions speak louder than words"....... Thanks to all, for looking in. Thanks quankanne....and TBF, thank you, too....((backatcha)).... wontgohomewou....can i take a raincheck on that.........??
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Well, he asked me if I was going to take the ring back, because if I was going to rub his nose in it, and keep bashing him over the head with it all, he'd drop it down a drain, and walk. So he doesn't get it. He thinks waltzing back home, spouting a few platitudes about how sorry he is, and he knows he has to change, will cut it. I tried to explain I wasn't either rubbing his nose in it, nor bashing him over the head, but I need proof. He has to 'walk the talk' and show me. Because it's obvious he wasn't taking me seriously. He got a bit annoyed at that, that I wouldn't just accept his word and go back to 'normal'. He needs to prove it to me. And not just for a week or so. He needs to show me he can change. Then, I'll take the ring back. And only then. So - how long do I give it......?
Art_Critic Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 he'd drop it down a drain, and walk. Did he really say that ?.. To me that is the means to the end.. if a person threatens somehitng like this then you call their bluff and you do the walking.. I know that you are both having money troubles and live together and that has to make this even tougher to weather.. Are you sure you want him back ?.. it seems like he isn't a man of his word till this point, do you think he will change ? By the way.. sorry your going thru this.. it sucks
nature Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 It doesn't really sound like you threw him out or ended things with him. Be careful. Saying that, yet not following thru on it, comes across weak in his eyes. And he will just know, even more, that he has you under his thumb.
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 He 'threatens' a lot.... like yesterday, he said - "If I leave, it's for good, I won't be back". Three hours later..... He's a lot of talk.... Which is why I am so guarded about this "I know I have to change" stuff..... It is the pits. Because, all said and done, I do love him. He's an incredibly stimulating person to be with. He's interesting, curious, fastidious about manners and social behaviour, appearance and education. He's articulate and is a skilful orator. He can run rings around people in discussions, because he does his research (he's unbeaten champion of Debate AND Mooting at University. Something unheard of, previously, for one student, over 3 years) and can pre-empt, 2 or 3 comments beforehand, what they're going to say, so he lays verbal traps for them, and makes them falter on their own arguments.... Hard to give an example, but it's amazing to watch him do it. he used to do it with me, but I know what he's up to now..... He's just pushed himself through 3 rigorous years of study, to qualify in Law. By his own admission, he's difficult to live with, creates a bow wave and is demanding. But he's never boring. Should this be enough? It was, to begin with. But when you have worked solidly for 3 years, to support the both of you, (and I now work 07.30 until 6.30pm every day) and you're not as young as you used to be.... it's hard. He loves me. God, really, I do know he loves me. Just not in the way I really need. He has glorious pipe dreams, about being in a bigger, more elegant house, buying me a little sports car, and taking me to Japan..... I'd love to visit Japan.....it's been a long-term dream for me to do that..... And yet, all I really want, is to be able to have him do stuff for me. ordinary, every-day caring stuff. like put the rubbish out. Or tidy up the kitchen, do some washing.... ordinary stuff. Is that really too much to be asking? After 4 years of complete and total indolence - barring what is an advantage for him, that is?
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Update: He won't discuss it but he knows something is definitely wrong, because I haven't taken back the ring, and neither have I mentioned it. He stays in his room a lot, playing on his PC (talk about avoidance).... He bought (note, HE bought) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and today told me. "you're a weird creature, aren't you? It says here...." and he went towards the back of the book. I know he hasn't even read the beginning, so I advised him to... and turned to the front section.... where it talks about Martians in their caves.... Which is exactly how he's been behaving. I then told him (due to our financial situation ) that I could walk to work, and he flew off the handle, thinking I didn't want to stop by the paper shop to buy him cigarettes - which wasn't the case at all. I just think he should save his fuel for when we might really need it.... So he slammed himself back in his room, and I left and walked to work. I want him to get that we're not together any more. But he seems to not even be willing to go down that path. He will, though. He'll have to. I could have been really depressed about this, but I am following my own advice: people can only make us feel miserable/despondent/sad/frustrated/angry if we let them. It all begins as a thought process, with whatever we permit ourselves to dwell on. So I really could be feeling very low about this. But I'm not. I won't let that happen to me.
GorillaTheater Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 He won't discuss it but he knows something is definitely wrong I should by God hope so at this point. We men a dense bunch, but there are reasonable limits to denseness even for us. Though the fact that he's an academician doesn't help. I'm sorry Tara, I missed this thread until now and I just wanted to wish you the best. I'm giving you a mostly chaste hug in my mind, if that counts for anything.
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 He's not dense because he doesn't see it... he's dense because he's avoiding discussing it. I just hope he's taking this opportunity - whilst I'm at work - to read the book and follow through. Chance would be a fine thing, but miracles do happen. I love your hugs, Gorilla Theater.... Bless your heart.
Peanut9330 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Wow you have a lot on your plate with him, but maybe if given some more time he will realize what he needs to do, its true actions do speak louder than words and if he cant back up what he says than what’s the point. I understand that you do love him and are hoping he will get the big picture and you never know he might, he probably doesn’t quite realize yet what it is he needs to do.. He's confused but if u do truly love him than give him some more time and see what happens. Good Luck I hope it works out for you! Keep us posted on your progress.
Peanut9330 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 And it must be so difficult having to live with him, I do feel your pain but i'm still wondering if you want to be with him and are just waiting for him to change, is that the case?? or are you done for good?
mickleb Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 He 'threatens' a lot.... like yesterday, he said - "If I leave, it's for good, I won't be back". Three hours later..... He's a lot of talk.... Which is why I am so guarded about this "I know I have to change" stuff..... It is the pits. Because, all said and done, I do love him. He's an incredibly stimulating person to be with. He's interesting, curious, fastidious about manners and social behaviour, appearance and education. He's articulate and is a skilful orator. He can run rings around people in discussions, because he does his research (he's unbeaten champion of Debate AND Mooting at University. Something unheard of, previously, for one student, over 3 years) and can pre-empt, 2 or 3 comments beforehand, what they're going to say, so he lays verbal traps for them, and makes them falter on their own arguments.... Hard to give an example, but it's amazing to watch him do it. he used to do it with me, but I know what he's up to now..... He's just pushed himself through 3 rigorous years of study, to qualify in Law. By his own admission, he's difficult to live with, creates a bow wave and is demanding. But he's never boring. Should this be enough? It was, to begin with. But when you have worked solidly for 3 years, to support the both of you, (and I now work 07.30 until 6.30pm every day) and you're not as young as you used to be.... it's hard. He loves me. God, really, I do know he loves me. Just not in the way I really need. He has glorious pipe dreams, about being in a bigger, more elegant house, buying me a little sports car, and taking me to Japan..... I'd love to visit Japan.....it's been a long-term dream for me to do that..... And yet, all I really want, is to be able to have him do stuff for me. ordinary, every-day caring stuff. like put the rubbish out. Or tidy up the kitchen, do some washing.... ordinary stuff. Is that really too much to be asking? After 4 years of complete and total indolence - barring what is an advantage for him, that is? My God! Stop defending him! This guy is a LOSER! Tell him to move out asap or move out yourself. I am serious!
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 And it must be so difficult having to live with him, I do feel your pain but i'm still wondering if you want to be with him and are just waiting for him to change, is that the case?? or are you done for good? I'm done for good. (thanks, also, to mickleb!) The problem is, we have just signed a joint tenancy, so we're kind of 'stuck' with each other for the time being. But me? I'm over it.
borbiusle Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Just curious, seems alot of women do what you do, little annoying things to hint at trying to break-up that just goes over our heads. You know he doesn't get it at this point(or maybe he's afraid to face the music, I dunno), so what's the holdup on breaking it off?
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I couldn't have been clearer. "I'm sorry but I think you should leave, because I'm done here, really." And I gave him back my engagement ring. He really is refusing to accept I mean it. That's his problem, I'm afraid. I made it as clear as I could.......
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 .....I then told him (due to our financial situation ) that I could walk to work, and he flew off the handle, thinking I didn't want to stop by the paper shop to buy him cigarettes - which wasn't the case at all. I just think he should save his fuel for when we might really need it.... So he slammed himself back in his room, and I left and walked to work..... And here we go.... it's beginning. He rang me at work this evening, and asked me if I wanted a lift home.... I replied that if he wasn't down in the car-park already, to not worry, I could walk, it wasn't a problem....So he said ok, and hung up..... I then called him walking home, to ask if he did in fact want me to pick up some cigarettes for him. I know what he's like without them, and it's an addiction, he's hoping to break with patches. When he can get his prescription. He said he didn't care whether I got him any or not, he'd been without them all day, so it was up to me and hung up. So I bought him a small pack because trust me, he's unbearable without them.... Got home - he's in bed. I put the pack on his bedside table, and leave. I go back in a half hour later, to ask if he wants a cup of tea. He opens one eye and says no thanks. Then, he gets up, slams around a bit noisily, gets dressed, ignores me completely, then comes in to the living room, and tells me "I'm going out for a while, I'll see you later." He leaves the room before I can reply. Then he comes back in. Obviously quite angry. "I don't know what your game was this morning, but walking out without saying anything, leaving me with no money for fags and just disappearing... if you want this relationship to end, then say so, but there's no need to be a cow about it." And he leaves. I asked him if he needed any money - how is he going out without a dime? But he told me to keep my money. All of it. He'll get his own. (yay!!) But he took the cigarettes I bought. So maybe something is filtering through. You think.....?
GorillaTheater Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Putting aside for the moment the possibility of getting Mr. Dynamic off the lease sooner rather than later, when does the term expire? How long do you foresee dealing with him being there? "if you want this relationship to end, then say so" Difficult as it is to imagine, you may have to figure out how to be even more blunt than you have been. I'd go with repeated tasering, but that's me. BTW, lately I've heard something about this "Karma" thingee. Do you know anything about it?
Kamille Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 ((Tara)) I'm sorry you have to go through this Tara. sounds to me though that you yourself aren't sure you want things to end. You know things have to change, but I can understand why he doesn't get that you two are over: he asked you flat out if you wanted things to end and it doesn't sound like you told him that YES that's what you want. You asked him instead if he needed money... Tara, ask yourself this: what do you want and need right now? Then tell him what it is that you want and need. It could be a break up or it could be to see him get his act together. But it can't be both. You realize that, don't you?
GorillaTheater Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 BTW, lately I've heard something about this "Karma" thingee. Do you know anything about it? I just realized that this could easily be misinterpreted. I was being a wise guy, referencing all the "karma" threads which drive you a bit batty; didn't mean to imply that what you're going through is in any way related to karma. Whatever that is.
Author TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Putting aside for the moment the possibility of getting Mr. Dynamic off the lease sooner rather than later, when does the term expire? How long do you foresee dealing with him being there? August 2010. Until he finds a good enough job to enable him to move out and find a place of his own. "if you want this relationship to end, then say so" Difficult as it is to imagine, you may have to figure out how to be even more blunt than you have been. I'd go with repeated tasering, but that's me. he gave me no chance to respond this evening - control issues, or what, huh? - But as far as I'm concerned if it needs an electric chair, he'll get the message. I'm keeping very calm in all of this. Maybe infuriatingly so, but I refuse to be drawn. I've mentioned before that maybe we should go our separate ways, and now, I'm putting my foot down and sticking to it.... BTW, lately I've heard something about this "Karma" thingee. Do you know anything about it? Search me, I have noooo idea. Spill the beans, do....!
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