juliebijoux Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Recently my boyfriend talked to an old friend of his who is now into swinging. He asked me if I would be interested, sort of as a joke, and I said no. However, he keeps bringing it up that I should be with other guys, just for sex, well everything but vaginal sex. I don't know if it is a fantasy or insecurities on his part. He explains that as long as it is just sex then that is ok because it doesn't mean anything emotionally. He says that sometimes you just need to mix it up with another person. (This is before marriage, after marriage it is not allowed to him) All I know is that I could not think of him being with another girl in any sexual way. I will fully admit that I would go completely insane with jealousy. My new technique right now is to just support him and tell him that he is all I need. I don't mind if he watches porn or shows me porn that he finds interesting. Is this weird???? What does anyone think?
Thaddeus Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 The "lifestyle" (I think that's what they call it now) seems to either becoming more and more popular, or people are simply more open to discussing it. I wouldn't say it's weird, jut a bit unconventional. Has your bf ever actually done anything like this before? Or is it just fantasy on his part? Reason I ask is that the fantasy is ALWAYS better than the reality. If he has done this before, that's fine. It's not my thing, personally, and it's clearly not your thing and that's perfectly ok too. But if he has done it before and wants you to participate and you've made it clear that you're not into it, I think you have some serious discussions ahead with him.
Author juliebijoux Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 No he hasn't done anything like it before. I do see its appeal as doing something totally new and exciting. I mean when he first mentioned it I was like, "hmmmm two guys=twice the fun" But when I thought of all the details of it and how it could actually play out (jealousy, stds) I decided that it wouldn't be worth the risk, plus I am up for plenty of other sexually exciting stuff that happens b/t only 2 people.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Honestly, there really isn't a point in staying with someone who is willing to pass you around if you are not into that sort of thing.
AAlike Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Honestly, there really isn't a point in staying with someone who is willing to pass you around if you are not into that sort of thing. I don't see a problem with him being OK with it, but encouraging it?? makes me think that there is an ulterior motive in play...
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Honestly, there really isn't a point in staying with someone who is willing to pass you around if you are not into that sort of thing. I absolutely agree with the sentiment that it takes two to tango (or, more to the point, to successfully swing requires the core couple to have similar levels of desire to do so), but I gotta say Lucrezia, I found your categorization of it as "pass[ing] you around" just a touch inflammatory. To the OP, if that's not your thing than it's not your thing. If your bf was sort of maybe interested and/or curious and floated a trial balloon by you and he's okay with the fact that you shot it down, that's okay too. If he truly is a lifestyler in his heart of hearts, and you truly are not, it may mean that ultimately you guys are not good partners for each other.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I absolutely agree with the sentiment that it takes two to tango (or, more to the point, to successfully swing requires the core couple to have similar levels of desire to do so), but I gotta say Lucrezia, I found your categorization of it as "pass[ing] you around" just a touch inflammatory. If a woman was really not into it, but only indulging her husband out of fear of losing him, then I think I would also categorize this as being "passed around". As someone who has been involved in this sort of sex play, I would never disrespect the person I was with to involve them in something of this magnitude that they weren't truly into. A relationship cannot stand when one person is into this and the other isn't.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 but I gotta say Lucrezia, I found your categorization of it as "pass[ing] you around" just a touch inflammatory. Sorry, wasn't meant to be. To the poster, sorry if this offended.
Author juliebijoux Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Lucrezia, I wasn't offended. Your comment made me think. I need to be with someone I love and respect and who respects me. However, although my bf has a friend who is into the lifestyle, he himself has never tried it. After I said that I wasn't interested the first time, we had a little talk and he said it was cool and that he was unsure as well. I was actually the one who brought up the topic the second time. I don't mind if he has a fantasy. However I am not sure if that is mostly it. He says that he feels bad that it takes him a long time to finish, sexually, and he wants me to be able to have a variety of sexual experiences.
lostsunsets Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I hope that you have decided against it. So it takes your boyfriend a long time to climax. I thought most girls would like that. You need to seriously think about the jealousy aspect of this. And how you would feel about yourself when you look in the mirror the next morning. Having a happy life is about avoiding things that make you unhappy with yourself.
in_absentia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Realistically I think it's either a) He has a fetish for his partner having sex with other guys, and him possibly watching it. It's a pretty common fantasty for many guys. b) He's not as into you as he used to be, and wants to open the door for you to see other people, so that he can do the same. Do either of those seem likely?
Author juliebijoux Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 in_absentia: I think that it is choice a) because he basically told me that he would be very turned on by it, but, I know that he has never acted out on this fantasy with other partners. As for b) it could definitely be a possibility for this type of situation, but things are good between us and last week he asked me to move in with him. We've been together for over a year. lostsunset: I have thought about the jealousy aspect....I know myself too well that I know that I would have go into a jealous rage if I saw my boyfriend f***ing some other girl. I told him that..... Now I just had a thought, is that why it is more appealing for him? I admit that, for me, it could make it more exciting. Any lifestylers out there want to comment?
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If a woman was really not into it, but only indulging her husband out of fear of losing him, then I think I would also categorize this as being "passed around". As someone who has been involved in this sort of sex play, I would never disrespect the person I was with to involve them in something of this magnitude that they weren't truly into. A relationship cannot stand when one person is into this and the other isn't. Perhaps you are right, I may have overreacted a bit, I think because I so strongly HATE the term "wife-swapping" as it's completely mysoginistic in nature. Truth be told, women rule the lifestyle and for the most part us men are along for the ride. Though it is a very nice ride. That said, the very WORST kind of swinger is a couple where one is obviously into it and the other is obviously NOT. The good news is that those kind of couples may as well be wearing neon paint as you can see them coming from 2 miles away...
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Sorry, wasn't meant to be. To the poster, sorry if this offended. No problem, see my prior post for an explanation...
Sandita Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I guess if you are both okay with it... why not? To me it wouldn't feel right though...
Dexter Morgan Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I think your bf wants you to be with other guys so that way he has a green light to be with other girls. and he says you can have sex, just not vaginal sex? how stupid is that? you either have sex with others, or you don't. so tell us, you really think you'd be ok with him out there boning other girls? And if he wants to swing, sorry, he doesn't get to tell you what kind of sex you can have, because if you think he will do everything except stick his vienna sausage in another girl.....think again.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 one thing that you probably haven't considered, but does happen. Sometimes the 3rd person in the mix, and the single opposite sex participant actually fall in love with each other, leaving one of the original partners left out in the cold, looking for a new relationship. If one is really in love with another, then they would never think of sharing their partner. Swinging just opens couples up to all kinds of possible problems.
caduceus Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 It would be mere supposition to determine what his motives are regarding this, without knowing him. Having said that; I have to add, that the "No Vaginal Sex" stipulation is kind of suspicious. That statement in itself indicates a control issue, or proprietary stance of your body. "You can have sex with other men, so long as it's limited to oral, anal or a handjob", is what I'm hearing, "because I'm (he's) the only one who is going to be having vaginal sex with you." Am I over-reaching with that quote? My wife and I have done this a few times, (it just happened the first time, we liked it, and do it when the mood strikes) and I would never even consider telling her what she could and couldn't do sexually.
nvntr007 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Swinging just opens couples up to all kinds of possible problems. Depends on your perspective. My wife and I, in the distant past, had some GREAT swinging experiences. There was one in which my wife got to f**k a single stud who was a casual friend and a guy she had the hots for. It worked out perfectly. In fact, the memory of that night is still a major turn-on for me, and, no doubt, is for my wife. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained", Henry Ford.
Gamine Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Recently my boyfriend talked to an old friend of his who is now into swinging. He asked me if I would be interested, sort of as a joke, and I said no. However, he keeps bringing it up that I should be with other guys, just for sex, well everything but vaginal sex. I don't know if it is a fantasy or insecurities on his part. He explains that as long as it is just sex then that is ok because it doesn't mean anything emotionally. He says that sometimes you just need to mix it up with another person. (This is before marriage, after marriage it is not allowed to him) All I know is that I could not think of him being with another girl in any sexual way. I will fully admit that I would go completely insane with jealousy. My new technique right now is to just support him and tell him that he is all I need. I don't mind if he watches porn or shows me porn that he finds interesting. Is this weird???? What does anyone think? Despite all of the naysayers I'm here to say that NO MAN who loves a woman passes her around from guy to guy. Period. End of sentence. They can dysfunctionally call their 'feelings of attachment' to their SO whatever they like but it isn't love. He wants permission from you to have multiple partners... in which case you have a choice to make. Do you go along with it because you love him... however he cannot reciprocate. So where does that take you? You've got all of these 'swingers' and those proclaiming 'the new lifestyle'. There's nothing new about it. There have always been people who are horny, who like the idea of stability, yet who want to change their partners like they are changing their underwear. This guy doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you. If these are two things important to you... then I'd end the relationship and find someone who does. You are headed down a slippery slope that will lead to you becoming less... and that is not what this life is for.
nvntr007 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Gee whiz, Gamine, your comments don't make sense. You are being soooooo judgmental of the original poster and of all those who have added their two-cents worth to this thread in their attempt to shed some light on her quandary.
Gamine Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Gee whiz, Gamine, your comments don't make sense. You are being soooooo judgmental of the original poster and of all those who have added their two-cents worth to this thread in their attempt to shed some light on her quandary. I am not judging the OP, in fact I am telling her she is worth far better treatment than this man is offering her... or inflicting... depending on how one looks at it. Why don't you see that I have answered her quandry... if she were a girlfriend and we were sitting and having coffee... I'd tell her precisely what I posted above... and you know what? She would say... You're right. I know when she reads it she will understand it. And, I hope she finds a man who can provide, love, nurturing, respect and support to her. This dude is a dud.
Dina2208 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 umm. dump his ass! this is ****ing gross and stupid. i dont think its normal to encourage your boyfriend/girlfriend to have sexual relations with other people. you can do wayy better!
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Despite all of the naysayers I'm here to say that NO MAN who loves a woman passes her around from guy to guy. Period. End of sentence. Perhaps you should keep your advice to subjects about which you have some knowledge and experience, because your statement here is just plain wrong. First, the lifestyle is not "passing a woman around from guy to guy", it's about a relationship of equals sharing an enjoyable experience. Secondly, who made you judge and arbiter of who's love is true and who's is not? You are projecting your values onto people who don't share them. As I told the original poster, if it ain't her thing, that's fine, and if it ain't YOUR thing, that's equally fine, but your statement is inflammatory, insulting, and at the risk of being repetitive, wrong. You've got all of these 'swingers' and those proclaiming 'the new lifestyle'. There's nothing new about it. There have always been people who are horny, who like the idea of stability, yet who want to change their partners like they are changing their underwear. We don't change partners. Our partners are stable, long-term, mostly married, and most find the lifestyle brings them closer together... not farther apart. So please refrain from making statements that sound authoritative and well thought out when you have absolutely no knowledge of the actual subject at hand.
Guitarjeff Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Interesting. What I want to know is, are divorce rates higher in the "lifestyle" community?
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