My first break up...

[disarm_1]

So here's my story.*For the past 3yrs I've been in a relationship. A great one. I'm 24 she's*22. We've had our ups and downs but we're very young so that's expected.*We always made it through everything though. Less than a month ago we celebrated our 3yr anniversary. We took a trip to San Francisco and everything seemed great. Then this past week happened.

*

This past weekend we had a dust up because I was being cranky about my internet not working. Haha.*Nothing big, so I thought. A day went by and she*wouldn't*return my calls. The day after that she replied and said she needed sometime to think about things. I'm thinking "what's the big deal? it was a stupid argument." As the day went on i tried getting more out of her and she said*she needed to say something but felt it was the right thing to say it in person. I knew what that meant. She was planning on breaking up with me. We met the next day and she did exactly what I thought she'd do. The reason was nothing like what I expected.

*

I assumed she'd say she was tired of arguing about small stuff, etc. Instead she said that she's at a stage in her life that she feels she needs to be on her own experiencing things. She wants to find her own path and figure out what she wants in life. We met when she was 19 and she feels that such a serious relationship is too much too soon. Since she started dating at age 16 her longest period in between relationships has been 2 months. She doesn't really know what it's like to be on her own. As she was breaking up with me she told me I was the perfect boyfriend. She had nothing to complain about. Her love for me hadn't changed. She thinks I'm perfect for her but that we met at the wrong time in our lives. We met too soon. She says that we grew too attached to each other and isolated our friends. We've become to dependent on each other and we don't know how to function alone. She'd like to end things despite the fact that she loves me so much and she isn't quite sure she's making the right choice. She admits that this might be the wrong decision and she'll realize it was a mistake. There's only one way to find to find out though. She gave me the "if you love someone let them go" line. We decided that it'd probably be too hard to stay friends right now. Well she decided that and also that we shouldn't talk for awhile.

*

As for me I'm so confused. I thought things were going great. Just a couple of weeks ago we're planning our next vacation. Why now? Why is this happening? She says that there wasn't any one thing that caused this. She had been thinking about it for awhile. She didn't say how long. I'm mad one moment then I feel bad about being mad at her. I think about this every second of every day. I've even dreamt about her rejecting me as I beg her to come back.

*

You should know that up until I had met her I never had a girlfriend. She's my first. Surprising because I was 21 but it's true. I'm thinking it's making this*experience extra hard because my first relationship lasted so long and was so important.

*

*I can't argue with her about being too attached. There is truth in that. We talked constantly throughout the day whether by phone, aim, email, or text. Our friendships also took a hit. I told her that we could work on these things and still stay together. We can spend less time together. We'll do our own things, see our friends more. She said that she didn't want to work at it. She feels it's too much too handle at her age. The thing is that from day one we both said that we wanted to experience the world and not settle down before we've accomplished what we want in our lives. It's not like I'm pressuring her to get married. That's the last thing I want at my age. I thought things were perfect because we're two people who don't want marriage or kids and we can enjoy the world together. Apparently she wants to go at it alone.

*

*The other day I had a good talk with my dad and I really felt better. Immediatley after that*she called me out of the blue apologizing and saying she didn't want me to hate her but she had to do this. I was actually the calm one and told her things would be ok, I loved her, i'm not mad, I'll always be her friend. it was really strange. We were both surprised as to how I was taking it. We decided we'd try to stay friends, we're sure it's gonna be difficult if we see other people but we'll try to stay friends. And we're not saying that it's impossible that we'll ever get back together. After all it's not like we ended on a sour note or argued about anything.

*

Now today I'm down again. I'm wondering if I just said all those things because I was on a high from talking to my dad. Did I even mean it? I'm I only saying that because I see it as a way to keep contact going? I still have questions.*She said "i don't want to be with anyone right now", then she talked about how we'd handle it when or if we see other people. She said I was perfect! If she doesn't want to be with anyone, then decides it's time to date again, why wouldn't I (who she says is perfect) be the one she'd come back to??? Everyone says to back off, giver her time and let things work themselves out. I feel like I should be out there fighting to get her back! Everyone says that'll push her further away though. I feel like this would've been easier if she would have told me I was a horrible boyfriend and she couldn't stand being with me. It's been less than a week so all these feelings are very fresh.

 

 

*

[disarm_1]

And yes I know most first relationships don't last forever. I do know some that have though so it's not impossible

[N.Colony]

I'm going through what you are describing right now. Although we are not each other's firsts. I'm 24, she's 22. Dated for 2 and a 1/2 years.

 

Give her space. Don't call her. Don't text. I know this is hard, it's REALLY difficult for you and I can tell you want her back. If you must communicate, keep it light, brief, and simple. Don't talk about your situation with her. This is hard, but this is what you must do.

 

At this, point, CHASING HER WILL ALMOST LIKELY PUSH HER AWAY. You need to live your life and try to not to make her the center of your world. Make her miss you. As of now, focus on forgetting about her. Go to the gym, get in better shape. Pick up a new hobby. Hang out with friends. Get better and more comfortable at talking to women (who knows who you might meet?). Regain your confidence and inner security. In as much you think she's awesome, there's always someone as good or better out there.

 

Women (especially young ones) generally don't seem to handle it well if they think you are reliant on them for your happiness. As a lesson, when you date again, be as safely aloof as possible. Keep "I love you's" to a minimum, be a challenge, and still at times do your own thing. Have a life outside of her. Let her attach herself to you, but don't get too sucked in that you lose yourself. Be the man.

 

Again, leave her alone. It's clear she wants to be alone. No amount of begging or pleading will do anything. Trust me on this one. If she wants you, she'll come back. And if she ever asks you if she can back in the future, your answer should be "I don't know". Don't make her believe you are always ready to reward bad behavior. You want to get yourself to a mental state where you are quite indifferent to whether she comes back or not.

 

The first loss is always the hardest. But it gets better. I've been there before. Broke up a serious stuff at age 21. The next month or two were some of the hardest of my life. You'll be fine. Guaranteed.

[disarm_1]

I appreciate the words and hope that I can follow through. Today had been my first full day in 3yrs that we haven't spoken. It's been difficult to say the least. I'm trying to look at the positives. I had a great conversation with my dad. We never talk like that! Deciding if I should go out of state for law school won't be so difficult either.

[hoping2heal]

Here's the deal. It's over for her. You had the unfortunate experience of dating someone who had poor communication skills (this could just be due to her age though, hopefully she'll grow through the years). To you, it seemed like you had this great relationship, while all the while for a long time she'd been keeping her true feelings/thoughts/fears/plans all to herself, never sharing them with you but harvesting them for a long while. This BS she told you about being a perfect boyfriend and still loving you; she said that for herself.

 

She feels guilty I am sure, and it was easier to avoid guilt by talking you up. The reality is, and anyone who's ever experienced real love will testify; we'll do anything we have to when we love someone. We'll make any compromise, contemplate any sacrifice. We want them to be a part of our lives and can't imagine them NOT being one. We still grow, explore new interestests, expand as people but we ALWAYS naturally WANT them in the picture with us.

 

We don't just let someone we're in love with walk away, nor do we have the desire to be away with them. She should of told you the truth so you wouldn't get sucked into the elusive false hope bubble, but she's young and she's probably just doing the best she can with what she knows.

 

She doesn't love you like that, the ship has sailed. Go NC to heal and move on, she isn't coming back.

[N.Colony]

By the way, I want to congratulate you for acting cool about everything, and not crying and begging. Even if she doesn't come back (which is most likely), she'll respect you a lot for for your cool demeanor.

 

You may not believe me. But if you work at forgetting her and talk to other women, you'll get over this girl in less than 3 months. Believe me. I've been there before.

[disarm_1]

to hoping2heal: thank you so much for what you said. thats what i'm feeling! you said "The reality is, and anyone who's ever experienced real love will testify; we'll do anything we have to when we love someone. We'll make any compromise, contemplate any sacrifice. We want them to be a part of our lives and can't imagine them NOT being one. We still grow, explore new interestests, expand as people but we ALWAYS naturally WANT them in the picture with us."

 

I tried telling her that I felt just like her. I in no way want marriage, or kids at this point. I'm focused on my happiness and there's no reason why we can't make this work. That's what was so great about us. We were to like minded people who could accompany each other as we experience life. Her answer "i don't want to have to make it work." I guess that says it all.

 

to N. Colony: Thanks. I myself am very surprised as to how I've handled it. Do I think about it constantly and feel like crap a lot? Sure, but besides those first few moments when she broke the news I haven't begged. The day after when she called me, I was the one who comforted her. Which brings me to my current feeling of anger towards her. Since when is the person who was dumped supposed to be comforting the dumper?

 

I went out to eat with a friend last night. He made me feel a bit better. Not once in our relationship did she cheat, or do anything that would purposely hurt my feelings. She treated me good, I did the same. At least my first relationship was a good experience. At least my first gf didn't tell me I was an awful person or give me some sort of trust issues. As my friend told me "You had 3 good years with her. She broke it off in one of the least traumatizing ways as possible. If you'd like I'll trade you my last break up." I politely declined. His last gf had an abortion when he didn't even know she was pregnant. She broke the news in a text. Again I'm looking at the positives in this situation. It's all I can do for now.

[hoping2heal]

I agree. You did have 3 good years with her . If she tells you she doesn't want to have to make it work; and I applaud you for being objective enough to know what that means (good for you!) it's done and over with. You seem to know this and you aren't taking the bait to get her back when there's no longer anything to salvage. I agree, I'm glad your first relationship experience was a good one, now you will heal and eventually meet others in your future .

[NightLord1]

Despite how long you can be with a woman does not matter for anything. If they happen to feel at any given moment a particular feeling that consumes them beyond everything else they are going to act on it and when they do their is no changing their mind. Period.

 

The flip side to that though is being such emotional creatures women will constantly change their feelings at any given moment depending on how strong the urge and the feeling is.

 

So my point is she may be feeling that way now about you but if you play your cards right and do as the other people have said, she may come to miss you so much that THAT feeling will consume her and she will want to come back to you again and there will be no changing her mind on it.

 

Regards,

[DSM-IV]

topic creator.... About how you had a talk with your dad, then told HER it would be all right... do NOT put weight into that. That was temporary, and meant nothing. Your dad gave you a temporary shield to hold. You are setting yourself up for a let down if you follow that.

[disarm_1]

Nightlord1: if there's one thing I know about her it's that there's no changing her mind when she's made a decision. Especially if I'm telling her she's making a mistake. You speak the truth.

 

DSM-IV: I'm not sure I understand. Do yiu mean that I shouldn't put too much weight in to my words? I do think what I said was the right thing to do and what I hope to end up truly accepting one day. On the other hand I do agree with you and think my dad gave me a temporary shield I was in a high and that's why I said those things.