Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My A ended about two months ago. My OW smartly ended it because she was done putting her self second while I made up my mind. I really miss her. It really hurts. I'm just wondering how long it took some of you to grieve and get to a point where it didn't hurt so much?
NOTSURE7 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My A ended about two months ago. My OW smartly ended it because she was done putting her self second while I made up my mind. I really miss her. It really hurts. I'm just wondering how long it took some of you to grieve and get to a point where it didn't hurt so much? Well according to all the so called experts on here(ducking..lol)... because i am only one month from dday, i am not the norm and most dont beleive me when i say it, but i got over my ow a few days after as i confessed my A to my W and went full Nc,The first few days were rough because of course anything you do for a year becomes habit and especially when its an addicition you go through a withdrawl of sorts. Now maybe its because my A didnt have any of the usual going out to dinners or going away on trips and although very Ea in nature the actual meetings were not always often and only sexual in nature and i never spent a dime on her... so i was able to realize shortly after my fog lifted that it was just a fantasy land i was living in to get away from the real world and that in reality this wasnt my soulmate,we werent in love and life with her would be no different than i have.... just dont think about her and concentrate on the things in your life that are important, whether it be work or your family and look at it this way, if you wanted her so badly and she was the one she wouldnt have to wait around for you to make up your mind because you would have easily chosen her long ago.. hang in there in time it will pass...
Author Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 Well according to all the so called experts on here(ducking..lol)... because i am only one month from dday, i am not the norm and most dont beleive me when i say it, but i got over my ow a few days after as i confessed my A to my W and went full Nc,The first few days were rough because of course anything you do for a year becomes habit and especially when its an addicition you go through a withdrawl of sorts. Now maybe its because my A didnt have any of the usual going out to dinners or going away on trips and although very Ea in nature the actual meetings were not always often and only sexual in nature and i never spent a dime on her... so i was able to realize shortly after my fog lifted that it was just a fantasy land i was living in to get away from the real world and that in reality this wasnt my soulmate,we werent in love and life with her would be no different than i have.... just dont think about her and concentrate on the things in your life that are important, whether it be work or your family and look at it this way, if you wanted her so badly and she was the one she wouldnt have to wait around for you to make up your mind because you would have easily chosen her long ago.. hang in there in time it will pass... This isn't the first time i have heard confessing the A helps. I am maintaining NC now, we had our final "closure" talk yesterday to close the door forever. Our A was physical and we took trips, but we were long distance so I only saw her maybe ten times in the ten months we were together.
NOTSURE7 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 This isn't the first time i have heard confessing the A helps. I am maintaining NC now, we had our final "closure" talk yesterday to close the door forever. Our A was physical and we took trips, but we were long distance so I only saw her maybe ten times in the ten months we were together. before i answer, i will tell you that it raises a red flag that you say your A ended 2 months ago but you just had your final "closure"talk...you need to end it, if it ended 2 months ago you shouldnt still be talking, nc is the only way you will ever get over this ow... so yes i can tell you that confessing the A helped me but i will also warn you that the devastation you will cause your W will be like nothing you have ever seen, so you have to make that choice and in my opinion the only reason to confess the A should not be to get over the ow quicker... i guess it all really depends on you..what you want in the future and what you hope to acheive...i personally was sick of a life of lies and living like an impostor in my families world, i wanted it to end and i wanted to find my balance and happiness no matter were that lead me..i also wanted to finally be honest and i wanted my W to be able to make decisions knowing what she had in me..so we are now working to repair our m and it is a long hard process.. so yes i told my unsuspecting W about the A and i went full and i mean FULL Nc, that was the best thing i ever did because my head is so much clearer now and i see that the A was just that, this wasnt my long lost love or soulmate,it was person who offered me something different and exciting and made me feel alive and thats all... again i dont think you should think about confessing to your w if the only reason is to get over the ow...
ladydesigner Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I am still grieving the loss of my OM one year later. I still have not gone NC that is most likely why. The OM still emails me. I am not going to respond to him again. I am convinced to go NC with OM. I am rebuilding my marriage things are starting to get better and I do not plan on telling my husband of the affair. My husband also had an affair (although it is no excuse for mine). I really do not see how me exposing my affair is going to help anyone and my therapist agrees with me unlike many of the posters here.
pkn06002 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My A ended about two months ago. My OW smartly ended it because she was done putting her self second while I made up my mind. I really miss her. It really hurts. I'm just wondering how long it took some of you to grieve and get to a point where it didn't hurt so much? All depends One big factor is how long was the affair. I can say for me the hurt was pretty much done around the 7's or 8th month mark. Stay busy and what ever you do stay NC!!!!! Oh and for the record I too confessed did not make a lick of difference in how I processed the post-affair.
confusedinkansas Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 My A ended about two months ago. My OW smartly ended it because she was done putting her self second while I made up my mind. I really miss her. It really hurts. I'm just wondering how long it took some of you to grieve and get to a point where it didn't hurt so much? The pain will ease in stages. At first it hurts like hell. Then you'll get mad at her - for no reason really - but you'll feel angry. Then you just will think of them from time to time & instead of being mad you'll just have memories & little pain.........then before you know it, you'll have gone weeks & months without giving them much thought at all. Mine's been over for more than a year now & I still get little sad feelings from time to time. But my marriage is my #1 priority ~ SO i push the feelings to the back of my mind. So, answering your question - almost a year for me. NC with her is the very best thing you can do for yourself.
Hotchocolate Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Devil would you consider leaving your W for the OW if you miss her so much?? Is it the thrill you miss or something deeper? I know it's probably hard to seperate the two.
Author Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Devil would you consider leaving your W for the OW if you miss her so much?? Is it the thrill you miss or something deeper? I know it's probably hard to seperate the two. I considered it a whole lot. In the end I chose my wife...even though in many ways I feel that I lost my soulmate because of it.
confusedinkansas Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I considered it a whole lot. In the end I chose my wife...even though in many ways I feel that I lost my soulmate because of it. IF there was talk between you & the other woman of being together.....Then yes, this process will be much more difficult. You will second guess your decision - many, many times. I wish I had a magic answer to say when & how the pain will go away....But since you've made the decision to be with your wife - If you concentrate on that & stay focused, eventually things will work out for the best. Good luck to you.
Author Devil Inside Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 IF there was talk between you & the other woman of being together.....Then yes, this process will be much more difficult. You will second guess your decision - many, many times. I wish I had a magic answer to say when & how the pain will go away....But since you've made the decision to be with your wife - If you concentrate on that & stay focused, eventually things will work out for the best. Good luck to you. There was a plan...I couldn't go through with it. Thank for the supportive words. I guess going on and on about how much I miss my xOW is not helping my current goal of reconnecting with my wife.
foreal Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Devil, What is it about your Wife, specifically, that you would miss if you were never to see her again?
Sanafa Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Guess I have become the pot stirer Can I ask you something Devil? As the OW. Here is my problem with you "settling" ( for lack of a better word) to work on your marriage. I would have NO problem with it if you weren't questioning and believe the OW was your soulmate. Will you ever treat your Wife the same way as the Other Woman? It's a serious question and the reason I ask is this. Divorce is ****ing hard, but do you not believe it is selfish to stay in a relationship that you will never give 100% too? Are you your best with the OW, and if so can you rekindle that with your wife? Guilt, Shame are big big grips on our emotions and I think it is great when the H says, yep I know what I want... I want her, but when someone says what you have, I question if you are not only doing harm to you but your wife as well. She does deserve to have what you had......either you can see yourself providing that or hopefully you love/respect her enough to let her go and let her find what you have. I just don't understand, truly..... it goes back to only those in a serious Affair, long term, emotional, not just sexual... would potentially understand. You will always know what your relationship was like, at it's best with the OW....if you can't offer that to your Wife..... then you need to re-evaluate your decisions for everyone's sake.
Author Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Guess I have become the pot stirer Can I ask you something Devil? As the OW. Here is my problem with you "settling" ( for lack of a better word) to work on your marriage. I would have NO problem with it if you weren't questioning and believe the OW was your soulmate. Will you ever treat your Wife the same way as the Other Woman? It's a serious question and the reason I ask is this. Divorce is ****ing hard, but do you not believe it is selfish to stay in a relationship that you will never give 100% too? Are you your best with the OW, and if so can you rekindle that with your wife? Guilt, Shame are big big grips on our emotions and I think it is great when the H says, yep I know what I want... I want her, but when someone says what you have, I question if you are not only doing harm to you but your wife as well. She does deserve to have what you had......either you can see yourself providing that or hopefully you love/respect her enough to let her go and let her find what you have. I just don't understand, truly..... it goes back to only those in a serious Affair, long term, emotional, not just sexual... would potentially understand. You will always know what your relationship was like, at it's best with the OW....if you can't offer that to your Wife..... then you need to re-evaluate your decisions for everyone's sake. This is a great question. I don't know if I will be able to give my W 100%. I am willing however to try. At it's best my relationship with my xOW was out of this world. Everything I always wanted. However, we were not living in a day to day reality. We were not living together, raising children together, paying bills together, or getting on each others nerves all the time. I also know that the whole time I was with her we were infatuated. You remember how great it feels that first year or so. It is impossible to have that your whole relationship with anyone. This is not to say my life wouldn't have been better with my xOW...but then you consider divorce, custody issues, financial crap, we lived in different states...she has an ex...so like who moves. In the end I know that I should have taken the risk if I really loved her like I say I did. I didn't do it...I was a pussy...the risks were too great. I really do need to evaluate whether I can be the husband my W deserves. I can't answer that now...all I can do is commit myself to the process. Keep evaluating my true feelings and go from there. I've lost my OW forever, I'm not going to lose my W without giving it a shot at least. In the end, however, I need to do what is best for me...I can't lie to myself.
FromI Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 This is so true DI. I am in exact situation as you... with the exception that my affair lasted almost 2.5 years and I have to say that it wasn't great only the first year... it was great till the last day. The risks are too great.. too many dear people too harm and we've harmed enough with our selfish affairs. Sanafa, we try to restore the M, because we owe that to our H/W, kids, parents. No one says we will "try" forever. If it doesn't work out, we will part our ways; at least we'll know that the damage we produced with the A was irreversable, but before we actually really try we can never know and the doubts would always faunt us.
Sanafa Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 This is so true DI. I am in exact situation as you... with the exception that my affair lasted almost 2.5 years and I have to say that it wasn't great only the first year... it was great till the last day. The risks are too great.. too many dear people too harm and we've harmed enough with our selfish affairs. Sanafa, we try to restore the M, because we owe that to our H/W, kids, parents. No one says we will "try" forever. If it doesn't work out, we will part our ways; at least we'll know that the damage we produced with the A was irreversable, but before we actually really try we can never know and the doubts would always faunt us. I really do appreciate why and why you should really try. I get it more than you know, and really hear you about the pain that we as the H/OW have created and the guilt and knowledge of that we will carry for the rest of our lives. My only concern when someone is going back, is that in order to do that without potentially causing more pain the the BS/Kids, etc that they do it with a open heart and a true effort to work on it. For me, it is not only important because you deserve to be the honest, but coming from an affair similar to yours ( it really was great til the very last day) I also think the Wife deserves the exact same in a relationship.....If you are already questioning it, then BEFORE raising hopes, I would think the honesty of that while maybe difficult, is better than the BS having to yet indure the pain of another painful "truth" day. There is no question that if you had any kind of emotional attachement to the OW, it's going to be tough.... more like hell, but if your confident that is one thing, if you are already second guessing the process before you start, you are imo, setting the BS for more dissapointment. EVERYONE is entitled to experience love... and Devil... I tend to disagree, perhaps in fantasy but I have seen first hand couples who are open, honest and more in love today than the day they met..... when you meet the right person, everything just seems easier...including the bills, and the day to day stuff. We use to say, most will never experience what we had..... and I still believe it. We let it go, and it was for the best, but getting to experience it for as long as we did is more than most will get....and the cost was more than either of us could have anticipated, I know I wish we had been selfless enough to walk away earlier.
Sanafa Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 This is so true DI. I am in exact situation as you... with the exception that my affair lasted almost 2.5 years and I have to say that it wasn't great only the first year... it was great till the last day. The risks are too great.. too many dear people too harm and we've harmed enough with our selfish affairs. Sanafa, we try to restore the M, because we owe that to our H/W, kids, parents. No one says we will "try" forever. If it doesn't work out, we will part our ways; at least we'll know that the damage we produced with the A was irreversable, but before we actually really try we can never know and the doubts would always faunt us. Really a great post, and I can see the pain. So many think we don't experience pain as the OW/H/W..... but if you have any emotion at all and you see the collateral damage it is truly impossible not to have guilt and remorse. I would never even look down that road again. I regret the affair so much, the avenue we choose and the selfishness, however I can't regret caring I won't regret us, and I truly hope he doesn't either.
FromI Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I regret the affair so much, the avenue we choose and the selfishness, however I can't regret caring I won't regret us, and I truly hope he doesn't either. As a WS, I told my OM the exact same words... Maybe this is one of the reasons I still can't let go. It is really hard to get over him...No matter how many times I tell myself that it was wrong and what I have at home is right... I still have a long way to go. I wish to all in a situation like ours to get over..
Sanafa Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 As a WS, I told my OM the exact same words... Maybe this is one of the reasons I still can't let go. It is really hard to get over him...No matter how many times I tell myself that it was wrong and what I have at home is right... I still have a long way to go. I wish to all in a situation like ours to get over.. I guess I see it as *easier to get over if you cared... for me anyway the idea that I would have hurt so many without that, would be too much. Bizarre but it is easier for me to know I loved him enough to let him go, I truly did. It was hell at first and I did have a melt down 3 days into our NC, it was my B-day... no excuse but lost it and I have had my angry moments as well. For the OW/OM you can second guess yourself too.... and still very early in our NC but I am back to trusting my gut, my feelings and what I know and knew in it. Nothing more I can do and I would rather respect us and let us go than hate in order to make it easier. The thing is .... I don't know if this helps at all... but what you have at home is right, just different..... there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen people compare the BS/OW an truly we were never in a competition to begin with...... simply different.
Author Devil Inside Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 I guess I see it as *easier to get over if you cared... for me anyway the idea that I would have hurt so many without that, would be too much. Bizarre but it is easier for me to know I loved him enough to let him go, I truly did. It was hell at first and I did have a melt down 3 days into our NC, it was my B-day... no excuse but lost it and I have had my angry moments as well. For the OW/OM you can second guess yourself too.... and still very early in our NC but I am back to trusting my gut, my feelings and what I know and knew in it. Nothing more I can do and I would rather respect us and let us go than hate in order to make it easier. The thing is .... I don't know if this helps at all... but what you have at home is right, just different..... there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen people compare the BS/OW an truly we were never in a competition to begin with...... simply different. That's a good way to put it...different. A part of me wants to believe I wouldn't have been happy with my xOW, that it was A fog. However, it was really good while it lasted. Now on to dedicating myself to my M. I have been so selfish.
Owl Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I've read that a good "rule of thumb" for how long the "withdrawl phase" will last is to allow for one week/month duration of the affair, starting from the day that NC is established. Not from the day that "the affair ended"...but from the last day you had contact with her/him. So if your affair lasted six months, you can expect about two months of withdrawl (plus or minus), starting from the day you ended contact with your affair partner. Again, there are some contributing factors, but if you're otherwise doing all that is needed for recovery, this seems to work as a general guideline.
bullhunter Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I didn't grieve. I ended it and was happy and relieved it was over. It has been quite a few years now. I never saw her again and never wanted to.
Sanafa Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 That's a good way to put it...different. A part of me wants to believe I wouldn't have been happy with my xOW, that it was A fog. However, it was really good while it lasted. Now on to dedicating myself to my M. I have been so selfish. Good for you, be fair to yourself and allow yourself the time you need to actual see if your feeling are fog or real. Work hard at recovery, because as someone else said - If you don't give it a honest and full effort, you will always have guilt and uncertainty. You don't have to have all the answers now. On the flip - In a six months/ a year, if these doubts are nagging, don't ignore them, address them because staying where you can't give 100% will be selfish.
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