caring guy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi I was recently mailed by a girl on a dating site. We met & had a good time, but she talked a lot about her ex who she split with 2 months ago & had been with him 2 years. She told how horrible he was to her, how he called her names, flirted with other women in her presence, used her for money, drank heavily & did drugs. How he criticised her about her looks etc etc. Some more that is so bad!! I couldn't believe what he had done, & yet he finished with her & she wasn't over him but knew she had to move on! I'm unsure how she can be not over someone like this, but he sends her sms's regularly calling her names & this constantly delays her getting over him, but she refuses to change her number & give him some things back she has of his! Sh said i was lovely & gave me a kiss on the date! I saw her the following weekend & we had a great night dancing, we kissed passionately & then she went home as she had a babysitter! She got home & in middle of night he sms'd her & she told me she wasn't over him & that she thought by getting with someone it would take her mind off him. I was upset! We agreed to cool it down & went a walk the following week, & we did, no hand holding, no 'us' talk. We agreed to go out dancing again & we did. I ended up at hers & lots of intimacy & kissing & more or less admitted we were dating, but take it easy! Then, 2 days later, she gets a call from the ex & she then messages me saying she is far from over him, that she thinks she will love him for months!! I was astounded. This guy beat her up & she couldn't even introduce him to her parents in 2 years in case he was abusive or swore in front of them!. He manipulates her, winds her round his finger to use her for money & yet she isn't over him, the HIM how she said he was!! So with me, its like on/off/on/off. So she wants space & feels hurt & wounded by it all. Needs time to get over him!! I'm gutted cos i like her a lot, but i have anger too!! & told her how used & hurt i felt & she accused me of being too 'coming on strong'. Just because i wanted too know where i was! I was prepared to give her time she needs as in person she's lovely. She admits though to be messed up & her self esteem is rock bottom. I was just giving her the attention & affection she never had. Here's the 'some more' bit! I find she's back on the dating site & has made friends with someone on there who has a m/bike, good job etc & he is also on her networking site. So no coincidence! She doesn't know i know about this guy, they may not be dating, but it coincides with her telling me she needs space getting over her ex & makes me wonder if all that about her getting over is rubbish!! I can't contact her as she said only occasionaly & yeh i was hurt & used & think i annoyed her with what i wrote & she says she's sorry for hurting me. I'm just all over the place & hate that in limbo feeling of not knowing whats happening!! Thanks cg
Soul-Searcher Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Run. She sounds like a train wreck and you don't need that. She obviously likes the bad boy thing and maybe she found it unusual for a guy to be treating her well aka you. I also find it strange that she thinks you are coming on too strong. You just wanted to know where you stand. As for the other thing....serious red flag. I wouldn't give her a second thought. She doesn't seem to care about you and seems hung up on this guy who treated her like crap for 2 years. You have been on only 2 dates right?
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 she said-I was just giving her the attention & affection she never had.That sounds really nice - for her. Now would be a great time for her to learn that it isn't free. Humans aren't orifices to have life and emotion sucked out of. Here's a really cool tool I learned, mostly as a result of the psych work I did in MC. I've run into a lot of women like the one you describe in my life. Now, once the bitch session begins, I flip a switch in my head and go into therapy mode, listening but not involving any emotions. Just like in therapy, there's a time limit. The payment is mutual interest and care. This is where most (not all) women fail. They're used to thinking it's a one-way street when someone is giving them 'attention and affection' in such situations. If I don't get reciprocation, therapy ends No need for you to wonder what's happening here. You already know. Do what you know is the healthy thing.
Author caring guy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Hi & thanks I thought by how she was talking & actually seemingly enjoying what she was saying, very weird! Like she wants to get to the topic of 'him'. He was sectioned once, threatened to burn her house down with her & her kids in it, i mean wtf!! I'm thinking she wanted the attention when she wanted it, to up her esteem!! & i was giving it her!! We had 2 nights out where it was lots of kissing & holding hands & 1 night where she invited me round cos we planned to go out but was raining & when i got there she was dressed very sexily & we watched a dvd & cuddled a lot (which she says she never got) & i ended up staying over with lots of sex!! Also we had 2 walks in the park!! It wasn't all 'him' talk, but more or less got round to it with me telling her what to do & she says 'i know, i know' but doesn't do it!! When she told me, the day after a lovely day out, that he'd spoken to her & that we should maybe not meet, i was quite angry & felt messed about & when she said she wanted space, i kinda over texted!! & said how i felt!! Thats what she means by 'coming on strong' cos i was angry & she said she didn't need me being like this when she felt so down!! He's the reason she felt down!! Constantly putting her down!! Now i see her on the dating site & having made friends with someone with a m/bike (which she likes), i feel like it was all a lie or that she's wanting again to meet someone to try put her ex to back of her mind!! Real pain it feels!!
bean1 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 This chick is a total wackjob and you should thank your lucky stars that she won't be in your life. She is beyond messed up. Don't go on 2nd dates with people who rant about emotional issues and ex's on the 1st date. You really dodged a bullet here.
Author caring guy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 I know i'm hearing sense from you guys & yet can't believe how a 35 yr old girl would say such stuff unless she was emotionally messed up over him that she admitted she was!! We sent text messages for a week before we met & the 2nd 1 was about 'to be hones i'm just out of a relationship blah blah' & that i'm prob still in love with him as it doesn't just go away over night!! That she told me she found pics on his phone of him with another girl in bed & how his brother hung himself & if affected him bad etc!! He gave her black eye & treated her so bad & yet she still loves him, so she says, & then i think about the guy she's made friends with on the dating site!! Will she be telling him all this too!! It just makes me wonder what the truth is & kinda feels bad being messed about!! Maybe i was holding onto something as she is incredibly hot, however shallow that sounds, but even though, we clicked in conversation (when not about her ex) & fancied each other. I just think i screwed up by pushing her in messages about being unaware as to where i stood!! I was neither here nor there!! cg
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I wouldn't have gone a second date with her seeing as all she did was talk about her ex on the first date.
bean1 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I know i'm hearing sense from you guys & yet can't believe how a 35 yr old girl would say such stuff unless she was emotionally messed up over him that she admitted she was!! We sent text messages for a week before we met & the 2nd 1 was about 'to be hones i'm just out of a relationship blah blah' & that i'm prob still in love with him as it doesn't just go away over night!! That she told me she found pics on his phone of him with another girl in bed & how his brother hung himself & if affected him bad etc!! He gave her black eye & treated her so bad & yet she still loves him, so she says, & then i think about the guy she's made friends with on the dating site!! Will she be telling him all this too!! It just makes me wonder what the truth is & kinda feels bad being messed about!! Maybe i was holding onto something as she is incredibly hot, however shallow that sounds, but even though, we clicked in conversation (when not about her ex) & fancied each other. I just think i screwed up by pushing her in messages about being unaware as to where i stood!! I was neither here nor there!! cg You can't undersand why she would hold on to such an abusive jerk, but your are pining for a nutjob biatch? Do you see the irony here? You guys are doing the same thing. She wants to jerk who treats her like crap, you want the bitch that treats you like crap. And both come to LS not understanding each other, when really, they are not much different
paddington bear Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Talking about an ex on first date, or indeed second or 3rd, whether good or bad is simply not good. As you I'm sure already know it means she's not over him and still loves him, or is not over the hurt that relationship caused. See her as an addict. An addict to emotional and physical pain. She's no longer with the ex, yet he still calls and sends her texts - he isn't an ex, there is unresolved something going on there, and she might either get sucked back into a relationship with him (with his promises that things will change) or find someone else to abuse her in the same way - as I said, an addict. Someone normal and with a healthy mental attitude towards dating and women (such as yourself) would be too weird for her, and might I add she has just been using you as someone to talk about her ex with. I've been in the same situation with a guy I liked, thought he was there with me, but he wasn't - he was there with me while his head was focused solely on his ex and that's what he talked about much of the time, I was merely the sounding board for his unresolved issues with his ex. Should have kicked him to the curb long before I did.
Author caring guy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Yeh Paddington, i guess i looked st her good side as there were times when chatted about lots of other things, but not once did we see each other without his name cropping up! I see now why she craved my attention & actually instigated the kissing & affection & sex. It was like on her terms & that was most of the time until he texted her & stupidly, as you say 'addict' she texted him back. She said she wanted a normal relationship, nothing like she had, but did nothing to stop him contacting her!! I know i pushed her cos i wanted to know my situation, but now seems like she's moved her attentions to another guy!! Am wondering if she has told me all she can & wants to start the ball rolling with him!! Someone to tell it all to again! I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, verbally & physically & guess i empathized & yet know what a good relationship consists of too & wanted to show her how good it could be i guess!! I put up like Paddington did & assumed over time she would smell the coffee & so i stuck at it!!
huck Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Dude.. Those Red Flags are hoisted high and blowing in the wind.. See that hill in the distance ??? Run For it - quick fast !....
Author caring guy Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I guess as i have been there, i kinda understood what she meant, as i put up for time & was told by people that it was making me ill with the stress that i was under with a girl in my past! A month after i ended i couldn't believe i'd actually been with her & realised! & yet the girl i was with did nothing in comparison to what he did to her! & yet now she's off looking for someone else!!
Author caring guy Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 She is now apparently seeing a guy, although am not sure as its only what i can workout on facebook, that has a good job, a m/bike, a car etc, material things & as she thinks i don't know, i'm playing on it like saying i'm looking forward to when your over him & we can be together etc!!, though i kinda don't mean it, but just to put her in bad light!! She told me she wants to be alone to get over him & now seems she's dating somebody else after all she said about needing time/space to get over the ex!!! This guy is a descent ,looking, mature, guy with a brain, i wonder if she's going on about her ex to him!! I would love to know!! & if she is, what he'd do!! If, not, maybe it was all my fault!! I texted her, talking about what she told me about what she wants as in us in the future!! & i know thats bull!! I just can't understand why this guy she's exchanged niceties with aint catching on!! Unless she just did that with me!! Or is materialistic cos he has what i don't as in great job, car & m/bike!! I hate that ****!!
Author caring guy Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Its doing my head in!! I mean if she's a wacko with issues & isn't over her ex & as she did to me by going off about her ex so much on the 5 dates we had, then how come this new guy isn't picking up on it!! I mean i know she may've wanted some attention, fun, sex, nights out etc & it was all good, i just wonder if she acted the same way as to this other guy as she did to me!! & if so, why the hell are they together!! Am thinking she may've not divulged cos she knows he has a bike, car, good job etc & he is unaware of her ex, which hurts as she can date him & feel 'over' her ex, as he has material things, but not me!! Like i say, if thats the case,i feel lied to!! Its either i hassled her, she has a new guy or she aint over her ex & if this new guy floats her boat, then how come she can't say to him that she aint over her ex!! wtf.
Author caring guy Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Ok, so this girl it seems is now dating some guy with a good job, material things like m/bike etc & he seems quite stable mentally!! I'm wondering why the heck he can't see what all you guys told me!! I mean if she's talking all the time about her ex to him, how comes he hasn't ran for the hills!! Unless, because i'm not a materialistic person & didn't have a m/bike or fab job at the moment, she felt she could waffle on about her ex & had nothing to lose!! & in the meantime have her fun!! Really hurts if thats the case!! Yet she told me about her ex from day 1 before she knew anything about me!! so i assume she's done the same with this guy!!
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