sister engaged to abusive guy and we aren't even supposed to know about it...

[doublescorpio]

My sister has been in an on again/off again relationship with a 20 year old guy. She is 26. I believe this is her first relationship, and my family isn't even supposed to know about it. She has told one person, a mutual friend between me and her, and this friend has been keeping me posted on her since there was suspected emotional abuse/jealousy from the boyfriend last year. To my knowledge, they have been 'dating' since June 2008 and there has been alot of deceit involved in the relationship.

 

When we were concerned about the abuse, between myself, our friend and my mother we did some snooping. I know invading privacy is wrong, but we really didn't care if this is a relationship we weren't supposed to know about, and he was abusing her as well.

 

We discovered the guy is very manipulative for a 20 year old, very jealous, constantly accusing her and telling her how upset he is with her over nothing. He contacts her several times a day. Her texting back and forth with him privately was so constant that we barely spoke with her the entire time we were visiting together several months ago (we all live in different cities- hence calling her out on this is difficult).

 

Just recently I was informed that this guy has proposed to her and she accepted. And we still haven't been told about him. Call me crazy- but when a family considers themselves close, shouldn't we meet the fellow before they decide to tie the knot?

 

I am really distraught over this and have not told my mother yet. I think it would really hurt her. My family rates A+ when it comes to support- you don't get much more supportive than we do. I am not supposed to know either, but this guy is still manipulative and abusive to her. My sister has major confidence issues, and I imagine this is why she is doing this. My aunt also claims she and my sister are alike- they get a power trip from not telling family about things in their life. I am hurt that she never told me either, I am in a 6 year relationship with my boyfriend (we are not engaged yet) but I am a couple years younger than her so that could be why.

 

I am afraid she will marry this guy then end up in pieces in a dumpster somewhere. Sorry for the description but typically that is the direction manipulative and emotionally abusive relationships go.

 

Should I tell my mother (and we all stay quiet until my sister chooses to announce her engagement to a guy we didn't know she was seeing) or should I tell my sister I know and betray our mutual friend who has been giving me the info? The friend is very trustworthy, and cares for her very very much but feels powerless in telling her that he disapproves of this anymore. He is afraid of driving her further away.

 

Any advice is appreciated... I cannot tell anyone I know due to the privacy of the situation so I really appreciate the anonymity of the internet at times like this.

[TaraMaiden]

You tell her you know, and that you completely disapprove.

And you tell him that you have a Private Investigator on his case, who has been detailed to watch him sporadically and randomly, and that if you discover once - just once - any form of emotional, verbal or physical abuse you will be sure he will live to regret the day he was ever born.

 

Be scary.

This is no time to pussyfoot around.

He's a young manipulative jerk, and it needs nipping in the bud.

And be angry with her, too.

How dare she do this to her family??

[You'reasian]

A woman at 26 is on a different emotional level than a young guy at 20. Way different. You should bring that up as a concern for the two of them being together.

 

Why do you think this guy would hurt her? Does he have a criminal record?

[Lizzie60]

Your sister is 26.. she's an adult.. and IMO, she needs to deal with her own issues.. you cannot prevent your sister to get heartbroken or whatnot..

 

If I were you.. I would tell the friend to talk to her.. if your sister hasn't confide in your or your mother that means she doesn't want you to get into her business.

 

I think you should all mind your own business.. it's not like she was 15 and the guy was 30.. gosh .. she's older than him...

 

If she's a doormat .. I'm afraid there is not much you can do to prevent any hurt and pain..

 

It sucks..but that's life. We can't live others' lives for them..

[doublescorpio]

All very good, and very different advice. Thank you for your replies.

 

The fellow in question had a juvenile record for petty crimes, and had to seek therapy for anger management. I don't know if he is 'recovered' or not, but with him still being manipulative and controlling I worry.

 

Unfortunately my sister is emotionally immature for her age, the the age difference between them may not be as big a deal as it is for most couples.

 

I think I will decide to keep out of it for now, apparently she is planning on introducing our mother to him in a couple months which will be shocking, at best. But it may finally clear the air and get this dealt with. Unfortunately I do not feel I can be supportive towards them as a couple after all this. My boyfriend as well is very cross with her as she has said things in the past and lied to us BIG time under our roof while she was visiting. The things she lied about to cover up her tracks with this relationship were despicable, at best. While staying with us she broke up with this guy (for the third time I think) in my bedroom, and instead of being honest with us why she was crying she lied and said someone DIED. She made up a fake name and story, everything. My boyfriend still has not forgiven her for that one, but me and our mutual friend had let it slide. Perhaps we shouldn't have though.